My Husband goes for drinks after work freqently and often does not tell me when he is coming home.

(69 Posts)
PANCHEY Tue 15-Dec-09 07:56:20

My DH works very hard, or at least this is his propaganda.

He goes out for drinks often. We have two DDs of four and five months.

The issue is, he goes out and does not tell me, then arrives home when he feels like it. Rarely answers his phone, and if he does tell me when he is coming home rarely sticks to it.

He does not seem to get that although he is often networking, that I am stuck at home with a breastfed baby, who feeds most of the evening and needs to be held when not feeding, who does not go to bed until 10.30pm. His actions mean I get no break, and feel incredibly isolated. I am so angry with him. He thinks I am being unreasonable. I think that he acting like a petulant teenager, being totally inconsiderate.

I am not even saying that he should not go out, just want him to tell me when he is going to come home, so that I have an idea when I might get a little respite. I do not think that this is unreasonable. I do ask him not to go out for days in a row, but this week he is out tonight and tomorrow night. He has told me he will be leaving at 7pm tonight, but last week he said he would leave a 'do' at 8pm but then left at 9.30 meaning that I got no respite whatsoever and did not know where he was into the bargain as he arrived home absolutely out of his head at 11.30. Oh and by the way on many of these occasions I cook him dinner that he then does not eat.

No matter what I say, and I am totally explicit about the impact of his behaviour on me, the more I tell him the more he seems to do it, he is like a ruddy teenager testing his boundaries. Then the next day obviously I carry the can again as he gets over his hangover.

PANCHEY Tue 15-Dec-09 07:59:21

Sometimes he arrives home much later than this, meaning that he wakes me up when he gets home (if I actually sleep at all), then baby wakes at 5.30 for a feed. DD1 then wakes up at 6.30am ...which I usualy deal with as well.

With two "me time" is limited I accept this, but well AIBU?

wordsonascreen Tue 15-Dec-09 08:07:19

I wouldn't cook his dinner unless I was absolutely sure he was there to eat it.

Bf babies are a pain and you will be tied for the time being, that will change, not sure if your DH will.

If I'm out dh knows I'll be home gone 1am (last train)

All this leave at 8pm crap never works when in vino veritas.

SqueezinAroundTheXmasTree Tue 15-Dec-09 08:07:52

Networking = fannying around getting pissed! Well it seems to be the case with him anyway.

You are so not being unreasonable and he is taking the piss. It's not on. OK, you don't mind him having a night out here and there, nothing wrong with that but do you ever get the chance to do that? Or does he take you out as a couple?

I think he ought to spend a bit more time networking with his family and showing some responsibility in his life. Why should you constantly carry the can for him? This is something that will build resentment in you over time because you are giving up things to be a parent.....and he isn't. You need to be able to rely on him, he is 50% responsible. He needs to respect you as an equal.

piscesmoon Tue 15-Dec-09 08:09:14

YANBU. He is treating you like a nanny/housekeeper rather than equal partner. Sit him down and tell him that you are not having it. If he won't take you seriously suggest Relate. I would get a calendar and he has to put down in advance where he is going and the timing. He must be contactable in case of emergencies. Make sure that you develop a hobby and go out-get your date down on the calendar and if you are first down he has to be in to look after his DCs.Go shopping on Saturday and leave him to look after the DCs. Make him a hands on father. Don't let it carry on-he will get worse. He isn't single and fancy free-much as he might like it.

SnailWhaleTail Tue 15-Dec-09 08:11:22

go to your mum's house for a rest!

Seriously, I would probably give it til the New Year to decide how much you can take and in the meantime don't cook him meals or organise your evening around him and make it clear that if he turns up drunk or after you have gone to bed he can sleep in the spare room / on the sofa.

AllarmBells Tue 15-Dec-09 08:13:08


This is totally unacceptable.
It's not on that he doesn't help you at all when you have two kids, one of whom is so tiny. He should realise that working is if anything the easy option (or it would be if he didn't spend so long hungover) compared to looking after a school child and a BF baby. You might as well be a single parent.

I would take the "networking" excuse with a bucket of salt. I can't imagine what sort of work he does in this day and age where "networking" involves getting legless in a pub most nights. Turning up to something and showing his face and having one drink which can be a soft one might possibly have some benefit to his career, but not getting drunk in a pub. It sounds to me like he has some sort of drink problem, even if it's only that he craves the "freedom" of being off his face rather than a full-blown chemical dependency on alcohol. Now he is a father, he needs to grow out of this, however old he is.

You need to sit him down and get him to listen to you. Perhaps "I'm concerned that you have a drink problem" might work better than "I really need your help with the kids", although the second is equally valid.

YANBU. What are you getting from this relationship emotionally?

Tortington Tue 15-Dec-09 08:16:23

am sorry but hell no.

i wouldn't be cooking anymore, and if my dh treated me with the distinct lack of consideration and respect that your dh is treating you with, he would come home to find his shit in the front garden.

wordsonascreen Tue 15-Dec-09 08:16:47

Is your dd the 4 year old at school?

How often is often?

Tortington Tue 15-Dec-09 08:17:06

don't you go anywhere - tell him to fuck of to his mums....with his shit from the garden

wordsonascreen Tue 15-Dec-09 08:17:59

And what was he like pre kids?

Turning off a phone is inexusable BTW

TisTheSeasonToBeHully Tue 15-Dec-09 08:30:32

Kill him. Sort the insurance first. Seriously he is a complete and utter arse.

sarah293 Tue 15-Dec-09 08:44:07

yanbu. His behaviour is unacceptable especially now he has afamily.

Fibilou Tue 15-Dec-09 08:49:07

If this is happening again and again, you've tried to deal with it and he's just getting more ridiculous then I would simply lock him out next time.

My husband is very similar that he is extremely stubborn and the more he is asked/told to do something the more he won't do it. Sometimes I have to take really extreme action to make him do things but it does generally work.

foxinsocks Tue 15-Dec-09 08:49:44

has he always been like this?

girlafraid Tue 15-Dec-09 08:51:40

He is behaving very immaturely, but not sure how you get him to see that this is NOT ON

Do you get on with his mother? Could she help? Maybe involving someone else would get him to see how serious this is.
Is there any way you could express a couple of bottles (or use a bit of formula even) and leave him at home all day while you go out so he cabn have a taste of the high life?

mistletoekisses Tue 15-Dec-09 09:00:28


His behaviour is utterly inexusable.
Out of all of you have listed, him turning his phone off has me in shock. Who on earth does he think he is?

The networking? Total and utter excuses. I work with some very senior people for whom networking is essential. But they are home at least 5 nights out of 7 with their families!

He sounds like someone who doesnt want the responsibility of a family and doesnt give any thought as to the impact of his actions on you. Until he changes his priorities; I honestly dont know what you can do/ say to make him change his behaviours.

Is there anyone who can watch your DC's while you sit him down and have a serious conversation with him?
As someone else has suggested, can you go to your mothers?

Dare I also ask - do you think he is playing away? The phone being switched off would send alarm bells off in my head. Sorry if that question is out of order.

wannaBe Tue 15-Dec-09 09:12:26


I would never stand for it.

I have to say him switching his phone off would ring alarm bells for me too.

But how often does he do this?

will tell you an amusing story:

My parents had friends when i was growing up and the dh used to do this. His dw got thoroughly fed up of cooking his dinner and him not being home to eat it so she had it out with him. He said "just leave my dinner in the oven and I can eat it as and when I get home." So the next night he rolled in at 11:00 or so and asked where his dinner was and she said, "In the oven." It was a salad! grin

On a more serious note though, if he won't listen to you then you need to make your point with actions, lock the door/throw him out/make him sleep in the spare room..

addictedtolatte Tue 15-Dec-09 09:27:06

yanbu you say your dh works hard well you work hard too except you dont get to clock off but he does. i'd be telling if thats the way he wants he you clock off at 5 so he will have to pay for a childminder. you deserve a medal for putting up with it. hope he comes to his senses and you sort things out.

expatinscotland Tue 15-Dec-09 09:30:24

This person would no longer be my husband, tbh.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you is what makes relationships work, IMO.

And as I wouldn't behave in such a fashion towards my husband, I wouldn't accept it off him, either.

Also at the rate he is going out, IMO that is drinking too much, and I have zero tolerance for drunks, either.

jelliebelly Tue 15-Dec-09 09:33:51

YANBU. He is being immature and selfish. the networking excuse is rubbish. has he always been like this or is it a change in behaviour? You need to put a stop to it otherwise he will just carry on and you will get more and more depressed about it. FWIW this is a particularly "sociable" time of year but even so with a young family at home he should grow up a bit and show some consideration.

expatinscotland Tue 15-Dec-09 09:36:21

and turning off the phone. not coming home when he says he will.

sorry, but that spells 'affair' to me.

ijustwanttoaskaquestion Tue 15-Dec-09 09:39:01

PANCHEY, if it wasnt for the fact you have two children, i would think that you were my friend.

I am constantly astounded to hear that he often doesn't come home until 11pm at night, even though he is in the pub that is five minutes walk from their house - he cant even go home and put his daughter to bed even when she is asking for her daddy angry.

She cooks him dinners and they end up in the oven waiting for him

My friend is slowly realising that there is nothing in it for her in this relationship, she might as well be a single mother - in fact, she would probably be financially better off as he spends all the sodding money in the pub anyway.

Its really so very sad, i like this guy but at this moment in time it is all I can do not to shame him by walking into the pub and telling him to grow the fuck up and act like a father and not a silly little boy. My friend did that once, marched into the pub told him straight - of course no one supported her, waste of sodding space some people.

My DP is often late home and i get really pissed off and moan at him, although i try my hardest not to - because, HE IS AT WORK!! He is a builder and he works his fingers to the bone, travelling to where the work is, working often until stupid o clock just to support his family - but still, when im sat at home on my own with DD asking for her daddy (daddy's lil princess ) I do get resentful - i think i should explode if he were in the bloody pub.

Would make me wonder exactly who he was with if i were honest

smellyjellybelly Tue 15-Dec-09 10:22:14

My dh used to be the same soon after having dd1. In the end, the lack of stability, emotional "thereness" and that he would pass out etc in front of dd meant that I ended up moving out. This happened whilst we were overseas. He too, was extremely stubborna and used to blame me for his drinking and going out. After I had moved out, after counselling, lots of talk, and a move back to the Uk, we have been able to sort out our problems.
I think a lot is down to finding it hard to deal with parenthood as well as bad company. Who is he out with? Do you know them? Does he have any close sensible friends who you can talk to who might be able to help him see that he is in the wrong? i really feel for you as it is a horrible situation to be in.

KTNoo Tue 15-Dec-09 11:07:12

I have a good friend whose DH is just like this, except they have 4 small children so she is barely coping. Her DH once came in from a night out at 3pm THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON.

Of course YANBU. But if he is anything like my friend's DH I'm not sure that things like you scheduling nights out for yourself will work. If my friend confronts her DH he just goes out more, to "punish" her.

I've stopped giving her advice and just listen now. I don't know why she puts up with it but for some reason she does. What I do know is that it will take drastic action to change anything.

Could you do something drastic?

amystev Tue 15-Dec-09 11:43:58

YANBU - your husband sounds like a complete tosser. No offence to you, but I would seriously be considering why I was staying with him.

When was the last time he did anything nice for you, let alone the kids? At the moment I'll bet he thinks he has it made - he gets to go out on the lash and act like a teenager while the missus does everything at home for him.

I think I would sit him down and tell him you are seriously thinking of kicking him out unless he pulls his finger out. If he carries on ship the selfish arsehole back to his mother's.

MrsMattie Tue 15-Dec-09 11:46:21

YANBU. He isn't showing you any respect at all and must really take you for granted. How upsetting this must be for you. Not sure what advice to give, as this would be a relationship deal-breaker for me.

TubbyDuffs Tue 15-Dec-09 12:00:42

Agree word for word with Amystev.

Would just ask how old is he? He sounds unbelievably immature. Did he want children?

Sounds like you've lost a husband and gained a teenager!

joanne34 Tue 15-Dec-09 13:22:26

This sounds familiar of my thread a month or so back..... My DP was doing exactly the same, I have a DS who is 6 and am now 28 weeks pregnant...

I took advice from here, and talked to him. Its got much better, but has in the past two weeks got worse again. I think its the festive season, but my DP doesnt even come home... he sleeps on a mates sofa, then goes straight into work...

Re-reading these posts, I am seriously considering what the point is ?

I work full time, plus I run the home -Literally !

I am wondering whether it will continue when the baby arrives....

It's not on, and I completely understand how you feel.. You need to tell him.

joanne34 Tue 15-Dec-09 13:25:25

Maybe you should show him this thread !??

lovechoc Tue 15-Dec-09 13:33:44

he's in denial about his family situation now IMHO. So he's using 'networking' as an excuse to get out the house as much as he can. Many men do this.

Put your foot down and tell him like it is, show him this thread. He sounds like a twat. He wouldn't happen to be a wanker banker would he?

Pikelit Tue 15-Dec-09 13:42:37

If I'd put my foot down when ex-dh assumed that fatherhood could easily be fitted around a 7 night in the pub habit, we might have stayed together. But even if the end result had still been a divorce, it would have been healthier to have the talk about expectations. After 10 years and two dcs it wasn't much point suddenly appearing to take offence.

YANBU in wanting to know where your dh is and when he might be coming home. To use "networking" as an excuse is, quite frankly, taking the piss. As someone has already said, the very idea that any sort of productive connections could be made by a bunch of drunks is ridiculous. In fact, I'd have more respect for your dh if he simply admitted to being out getting pissed. The weeks immediately leading up to Christmas aren't best for tackling the problem because there might just be a genuine need to be out straight from work. But even so, you deserve the respect of being told an estimated time of rearrival home. Turning his phone off is doubly disrespectful.

expatinscotland Tue 15-Dec-09 14:57:05

'I think its the festive season, but my DP doesnt even come home... he sleeps on a mates sofa, then goes straight into work...'

WHY do you think so little of yourself that you allow someone to treat you like this?

What would be the point of showing him this thread, when he shows you every day that he doesn't give a shit about you and his kids?

Festive season, sleeping on a mate's sofa . . . c'mon, you're not that big a mug.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

expatinscotland Tue 15-Dec-09 14:59:50

K, here's a newsflash for all you: when I was shagging a married bloke, he used to use excuses like he was sleeping at a mate's, when really, he was at my place fucking me.

Anyone who believes that tired ol' lie on a regular basis is fooling herself.

Lemonylemon Tue 15-Dec-09 15:06:06

OP, YANBU. My son's dad was like this. I could only take so much and DS and I ended up moving out after OH had pissed his wages up the wall, spent his substantial bonus on god knows what and left us with no money for food just before Christmas one year. Oh, on top of being hassled for mortgage arrears that I knew nothing about until the mortgage company started phoning me. Oh, on top of the bailiffs turning up at the door when DS was 6 weeks old sad

Abubu Tue 15-Dec-09 15:33:48


I feel for you but in some ways I think this is what men are just like. I guess it depends on how often it is happening.

I consider DH to be a good husband but he still annoys me from time to time with stuff like this.

We had a huge row a few years ago (before having DCs) when he went out for the day to meet friends (from work who I didnt know). He left home at about 9am and he was going in to London. In the afternoon I tried calling him several times but he never answered. I started panicking wondering if something had happened to him. It got to the stage where I was calling every hour and just kept getting the answer phone.
Finally at about 10pm he decided to call. Apparently the pub was very noisy and he hadnt bothered to check his phone all day. I went ballistic and we had a huge row.

He hasn't done this since but at the same time he still ofen says he will be home at a certain time and then isnt. But if it is only an hour or so later than I expected I just let it go.

Last week he went out on a Christmas work meal and got plastered. I got woken up by the TV at 2.30am, (I just go to sleep now for the sake of my sanity rather than waiting up) where he had fallen asleep on the sofa, TV blaring out and kebab in hand.

We had our second pg scan for DD3 the next morning and he was so ill he had to go to the loo to throw up.

I don't get annoyed anymore. You can't change them.

bran Tue 15-Dec-09 15:42:32

At one stage I did an Excel spreadsheet for my DH. I listed the times that he promised to be home and times that he actually walked in the door (if after my bedtime I would put "after 11.30pm" or whenever I went to bed). I added up the hours that he was late and also added up the hours that he saw DS on a week-day evening. It gave him a bit of a jolt I think, even though he had been a lot better after DS came than before. A friend of mine did the Excel thing with her DH and logged the hours he spent on-line gaming, he genuinely had no idea he spent that much time on it.

Before DD came I agreed a behaviour contract with him, as his reliability had been slipping a bit. We discussed it on the phone (he was working abroad at the time hmm) and I wrote it up as we spoke, then emailed it to him and nagged him until he emailed back an agreement. He kept complaining about the cost of the phonecall, but I told him it was cheaper than a divorce. grin Being a hard-nosed bitch works much better with this type of behaviour than appealing for help or explaining how their behaviour hurts you IMO. An inability to deal with an emotionally charged atmosphere is probably one of the reasons he stays out.

YANBU, what he is doing is wrong, mean and selfish. It's not a good time for you to be making decisions, but in the long term you do need to decide whether you can manage his behaviour and stay with him for the things that are good about your relationship or split up. If this goes on indefinitely it's always going to be unfair on you, and your children.

mistletoekisses Tue 15-Dec-09 15:46:51

Abubu - Sorry, but cannot agree. This is not what all men are like. And I think we let men off the hook if we allow that sort of mentality to prevail.

Pollyanna Tue 15-Dec-09 15:52:45

my dh is the same, although he doesn't do it often.

I often read threads like these where people say "why do you put up with it", and wonder what I am meant to do to stop it.

short of actually throwing dh out (and I have threatened enough times - and each time he believes me and it completely contrite) I do not know how to stop it. I especially hate it when he turns his phone off and then rolls in very pissed.

I don't cook him dinner. but I can't stop myself getting livid - perhsps Abubu's approach is the way - just don't' react to it which is easier said than done I know.

joanne34 Tue 15-Dec-09 15:53:55

Well I dont know about PANCHEY, but my bloke isnt shagging another woman.... his first love is bicycles ! If he's not riding that, then he's on the net chatting about them or sitting around toasting a can to them !

I know he loves me... he's just an only child ( still is a child )and extremely selfish.... still thinks he is at Uni !

Ps PANCHEY, didnt mean to steal your thread, was just saying I understand.

expatinscotland Tue 15-Dec-09 15:55:07

'I feel for you but in some ways I think this is what men are just like. '

It's what people are like when they're allowed to act like twats.

Nothing to do with gender and there's the problem, women who are conditioned to allow people they're in a relationship with to treat them like shit because they have a penis. And men who think it's okay to behave like a twat because they're male.

expatinscotland Tue 15-Dec-09 15:57:26

'short of actually throwing dh out (and I have threatened enough times - and each time he believes me and it completely contrite) I do not know how to stop it'

That's why he keeps doing it.

Because you threaten, but you don't walk the walk, and that's enabling his behaviour.

You can't stop it.

So you either put up with it or throw him out and he might decide to stop it or he might not and you find someone one day who thinks acting like a teen stops when you're, well, not a teen.

ChickensHaveNoTinsel Tue 15-Dec-09 16:01:17

Men are not like this, the OP's husband is. My husband doesn't drink, so it has never happened to me. My father used to do it, though, all the time. Even as a small child I thought my mother was a mug. It's macho 'I've got the swinging dick' behaviour, designed to let you Know Your Place. He is a selfish, arrogant person. He thinks that you should be so grateful to have him, that you'll put up with this crap. Are you that grateful?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 15-Dec-09 16:03:37

expat, I am soooo with you on this

blokes act like this 'cos they can (if you put up with it, that is)

my DH could easily do this, in fact in his younger (I stress the younger as being before kids came along) days he did, but now he knows better

joanne34 Tue 15-Dec-09 16:08:16

For me;

He doesnt mean to treat me like shit.
He has been used to living on his own and living his own life for a long time.

He has always been a social person, has tons of friends... that fact is if I wasnt pregnant I wouldnt mind as much ! I would be out with him at the weekends... its the fact that I cant behave like that... and I am the only one behaving responsibly that is annoying me so much...

My ex used to do it aswell.... its like they can just walk away from all resposibility... I will be there to pick up DC etc....

Maybe its time to walk ?!

mistletoekisses Tue 15-Dec-09 16:12:50


Sorry if a few of us are coming across as very black and white.

He doesnt mean to treat me like shit.

Sorry - yes he does. As adults, we make choices every day. And your DH makes a choice not to come home, even though he knows that bothers you. So, he does mean to treat you the way he does.

If you are happy to let the situation continue, then thats your bag. But lets not make ridiculous excuses for fully grown men!

cassell Tue 15-Dec-09 16:15:42

I agree with abubu - this is pretty common and unlike others on here I don't think it is always a sign of an affair (ok sometimes it can be but not always).

With my dh we have agreed that he will let me know by 7pmish if he wants dinner that night (i.e. if he will be back before 8.30pm) or if he doesn't (i.e. he'll be back some time after that). That means that I'm not generally expecting him for a certain time so don't get annoyed if he is late and don't need to call him but he has flexibility in that he doesn't have to tell me until quite late what he's doing. Sometimes he'll know a few days in advance what he'll be doing and others he won't.

In return if I want to go out for the odd evening (as I am tonight in fact!) then as long as I book it in with him in advance then he will be home by 6pm (or whatever) and then he will definitely be there by that time.

It's certainly not perfect but it's working fine for us at the moment and OP I'm still BF so I know what it can be like in the evenings.

Though LOL at the idea of the "behaviour contract" bran!

amystev Tue 15-Dec-09 16:19:17

I've been in a relationship where I allowed my (thankfully now ex) partner to treat me like shite, but no more. Sooner or later you will realise that you are worth so much more than that, and when that day arrives you'll read through this post and wonder why the hell you put up with this crap for so long.

I know it's easy to just say 'tell him to pull his finger out', but I really think you have to put it to him, directly, preferably in words of 2 syllables or less, that you are sick of his bullshit and if things don't change then he'll have to leave. There is still a chance he doesn't realise what harm he is doing.

If, on the other hand, he is fully aware of what a wanker he is being and just doesn't care, then you know what you need to do.

joanne34 Tue 15-Dec-09 16:24:52

No, no its fine. You see it Black and White, just Like I would reading someone elses thread....

Although, I only tell you what he does wrong

So you could not see it any other way.

It sounds like excuses doesnt it ?

Maybe they are, maybe its a sign that I see the good aswell, and at the same time of slagging him off, am sticking up for him aswell ! Every story has at least 2 sides ?

His behaviour has got worse recently, and I am going to deal with it.

I am... its just come to a head again the past few weeks.

Im not going to stop him from going out, I just want some more help and respect.


aokay Tue 15-Dec-09 16:26:57

Incredibly mean and belittling and I feel so sorry for you. Is he aware of consequences of his absolutely inexcusible behaviour? - please give him some consequences........if he can't be more loving and respectful to you and his children honestly think you'd be better off withot him. I have children with an ex who made me feel like a single parent util I twigged I would be better as a single parent. Now have brill husband whos been supportive when I had e new baby, breastfeeding etc. Still feel sad for older children that their family broke up .........worth it for your kids to try to deal before you have to split but this behaviour not on and very unloving - no excuses at all. by the way - you're heroic b/f with no support - bet your kids are lovely.

Earthstar Tue 15-Dec-09 16:28:44

Stop cooking for him completely as how can you rely on him to be home to eat it - let him sort himself out, see how that goes down.

Make him sleep on the sofa if he comes in after you are in bed

Talk about this behaviour in front of his parents and his friends with children.

I sympathis bevause my dp was like this whilst working for a sales company. Things changed completely when he changed industries. I was miserable at the time and although dp wouldn't have admitted it at the time actually he was very unhappy too. Maybe your dp needs to get a job more compatable with family life.

expatinscotland Tue 15-Dec-09 16:34:01

'I just want some more help and respect.'

You need to learn to respect yourself first, for the sole reason that you are a person worthy of respect.

Expat is 100% right.

(do not cook for him btw)

Can you get any support from anywhere else? Family or a friend?

susie100 Tue 15-Dec-09 16:52:19

Bran I like your spreadsheet idea, I imagine that was very powerful.

My DH did this ONCE. He never did it again because I made it clear it was not acceptable and totally disrespectful.

He has continued to behave this way because there are no consequences ot him doing so (God I sound like Super Nanny but I think you have to treat him like a naughty toddler until he starts behaving as an adult!)

CLARKYBEAR Tue 15-Dec-09 17:13:11


joanne34 Tue 15-Dec-09 17:13:20

Well at least he is taking next week off to look after DS, while I am working.

That should wake him up a bit...

CLARKYBEAR Tue 15-Dec-09 17:29:16

well hopefully it will but he should be doing that anyway they are his kids as well and its not as if your going on a wild night out your going out to work to provide for you and your family.

ijustwanttoaskaquestion Tue 15-Dec-09 19:34:06

Where is the OP? Hope you are ok panchey.

I am genuinely stunned to think that so many men think this is OK!!And how many women accept it. I love my DP dearly, i wouldnt want to lose him and feel like i would almost forgive him anything to avoid this, but he doesn't treat me like the OPs DH and others on this thread - if he did, im not sure i would care if he stayed or not.

Its tough enough being a parent without all the emotional bullshit from partners - it really is easier to be a single parent sometimes i think.

piscesmoon Tue 15-Dec-09 19:52:33

I hope that you are OK Panchey. Have you got some support-family around?

PANCHEY Tue 15-Dec-09 19:52:43

No I do not think that my dh is shagging anyone else. I think that part of the issue here is that we are a mixed race couple, he is a first generation sri lankan tamil. He comes from a family where his dad had to go overseas to make money for years and years. He has seen families where the DH is doted upon. He was always served food by his sisters whilst at home before everyone else.

He is all of the things that I have said, but he does spend time with the DDs, he cooks all of the food at the weekends and I have put my order in for a child free weekend away post breastfeeding.

I shall also be taking up running post bfing. He will also need to cater for this.

I have threatened divorce, I know he hates confrontation and yes he does stay out later if he knows I am peed off. I have confronted him many times.

I would talk to his mum but she cannot speak english well enough, though I am sure that she would kick his butt if she knew.

Hard hard situation....

piscesmoon Tue 15-Dec-09 19:54:41

Can you get someone to translate and speak to his mum? Maybe he needs to hear from others.

PANCHEY Tue 15-Dec-09 20:01:16

Piscesmoon, nope no family nearby and my close friends all live in different countries. Just got DD1 to bed, breast fed one still up. I am ok, just not been able to get to a computer all day.

lavenderkate Tue 15-Dec-09 20:12:45

Panchey, if you think his Mum would kick his butt if she knew, then he already knows he is wrong.But I would rather keep my Mother in law out of it.

Perhaps you could go on strike, go missing for an evening, take a girly weekend away asap.
Anything to somewhat unsettle him, and give him a taste of his own medicine.

lavenderkate Tue 15-Dec-09 20:13:20

Hmm, very little breastfed baby, a weekend is a bit long I realise.

LeQueen Tue 15-Dec-09 22:20:10


I've learned to totally disregard it when MrQueen assures me he will be home at a certain time. We both know that shortly after the 9th pint all bets are off, and who knows what time he'll totter home? It's rare he has his phone with him, because he simply loses them once drunk. This is actually a relief because it saves me from his drunken, smutty phonecalls at 3.30am. Consequently, I simply go to bed and await him falling into our bedroom like a medieval tumbler, complete with half eaten kebab.

It's annoying, and I usually have a rubbish night's sleep. But, the next day he's usually very contrite and I get spoilt rotten.

But he only does this about 4-5 times a year, and that's perfectly tolerable in my eyes. And, the rest of the time he's a fantastic, hands-on Daddy and really good DH.

ijustwanttoaskaquestion Tue 15-Dec-09 22:23:25

panchey, i don't think the mixed race thing is an excuse tbh. He needs his arse kicked grin

Stigaloid Tue 15-Dec-09 22:28:54

Express express express - leave milk in fridge - book night at spa - express whilst away. Leave DH in charge.

piscesmoon Tue 15-Dec-09 22:42:00

If you are very alone you need DHs support. Sit down at the weekend when both of you are calm and discuss it. You could show him this thread and make him see that his is not the way a modern marriage works.

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