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AIBU?

to think my FIL is a selfish bastard (long, sorry)

19 replies

maxpower · 02/12/2009 12:54

I've been with my DH for 13 years. He has a sister who I get on with well. My MIL is absolutely lovely, but the same can't be said of my FIL.

It's my MIL's birthday on Saturday. A while ago, me and my SIL thought it would be a nice idea to go out somewhere for lunch. My MIL doesn't drive and there's limited public transport where they live, so basically, she can't go out anywhere unless my FIL takes her, which he doesn't. My MIL mentioned a nice restaurant where they live, but we didn't know the name of it. MIL & FIL got back from 2 weeks in Barbados at the weekend, so my SIL called her dad to find out the name of the restaurant and explain what we intended to do. He told her that it wouldn't be appropriate to go to that restaurant in the winter (!?) and refused to consider anywhere else. Instead, he announced he would cook for everyone at their house.

Not what we'd wanted, but, fine. So we decided lunch would be best as between us we have 3 under 4's. My SIL rang her dad last night to confirm the arrangements, and he was being funny about it. Apparantly, after they spoke, he started on my MIL telling her she was selfish to want to see everyone on her birthday, especially as they've just had a holiday!! He told her that when he was working, he had to go to work on his birthday (so what - don't we all? and just because she was a SAHM, does he think she didn't have to 'work' on her birthday?!!). Anyway, it all escalated into a big row. My MIL was understandably upset and has decided she just wants to forget about her birthday this year.

I'm livid. He is such a selfish tw@t, to have the front to accuse her of being selfish, I can't believe it.

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BelleDameSansMerci · 02/12/2009 12:55

YANBU - he sounds like a bully to be honest.

Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 02/12/2009 12:57

god he does sound attention seeking as if he can't bear people to do things for her

Could you go and pick her up and take for a spa treatment or something? somewhere he can't go....

JustAnotherManicMummy · 02/12/2009 13:00

Forget the lunch - book her some driving lessons.

FIL sounds vile.

ineedalifelaundry · 02/12/2009 13:02

How awful for your MIL. I suppose DH doesn't take after his father?

YANBU

Babbit · 02/12/2009 13:03

Do they have money worries perhaps?

maxpower · 02/12/2009 13:34

Thanks everyone.

Laurie we thought about that. But according to my SIL, she's so upset that essentially anything we do this weekend will just be tainted by FIL's behaviour. We're thinking of booking somewhere for lunch the following weekend and just picking her up and taking her without involving him in any way shape or form. However, there's a danger he'll just hold it against us all and with christmas coming, that could just be uncomfortable for everyone.

Justanother we've spent years trying to persuade her to learn to drive, she just doesn't feel confident enough to. It would make life so much easier if she could, especially they live 30mins drive from my SIL and an hour from us.

Ineedalife (love the name by the way) thankfully DH doesn't, he's much more like his mum in personality. He doesn't know what's happened yet, but he'll agree with me when he does. He's under no illusions about his dad.

Babbit if that was the case, I'd completely understand. But it's not. They've had 2 longhaul all inclusive holidays this year alone. They drive a nice car and are alawys spending money on their house. This is all about FIL.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest x

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ginnybag · 02/12/2009 15:58

Nasty man!

I'd still do something nice for your MIL's birthday, even if it's only something little. Why should she miss out?

Would you have any issue saying something to him, or getting your DH to say something to him if it came to it?

diddl · 02/12/2009 16:08

What a shame FIL got involved at all!

He sounds really strange tbh, begrudging his wife time without him on her birthday.

GroundHoHoHogs · 02/12/2009 18:00

OK Flash Mob girly birthday then... GO AND GET HER and take her to a spa for a day....

Bugger the FIL, he can sort himself out. If he has the audacity to get arsy about it, everyone, and I mean everyone just ignores it, he can only spoil the atmoshpere if you all allow him to. Treat him like the terrible toddler that he is...

If all of you say, FIL, get over yourself, I doubt he'll have the balls to take you all on.

The driving lesson idea is an excellent idea! This birthday thing is exactly something you can use as leverage....

What an arse and a bully that man is...

CarryOnDancing · 02/12/2009 18:13

He sounds like a nut and theres no reasoning with nutty people so I agree that ignoring him is the best option. Theres actually no point in trying to speak to someone who is obviously unstable as they won't take it in anyway.

I would leave the irrational old fool at home and take your poor MIL out. I understand she may fear his wrath when she returns but surely thats better than spending the day with the grouch!

Oh and maybe a discussion about divorce isn't out of the question?!

maxpower · 02/12/2009 20:14

DH & I are seriously considering 'kidnapping' her on Saturday and taking her out somewhere!

I totally agree with the comment about him behaving like a toddler. Interestingly, at points, he's been estranged from his mother, father and sister, hmmm is there a common theme there??!! None of his family will challenge him because of the risk that he'd estrange himself from them and despite the fact that he's an utter arse, he is still their DF/DH. Because he is in essence so controlling over them all, if he did fall out with my DH or SIL, he'd make my MIL's life hell if she tried to maintain contact with us and none of us want that.

I'd happily tell him exactly how it is, but again, if he fell out with me (not that I'd care in the slightest) he'd take it out on my DH.

Basically we've all learned a lesson. In future, we'll all do what we want all the time and not include him in any way, shape or form.

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edam · 02/12/2009 20:21

Yes, do kidnap her without any reference to FIL - just turn up and do it!

What a miserable, selfish misanthropic git he is. How on earth did he manage to marry someone as nice as your MIL sounds, and produce your dh and SIL?

maxpower · 02/12/2009 21:16

edam it's an absolute mystery. He must have been a different person 30+ years ago. I can't tell you how lovely my MIL is, I feel so sorry for her stuck with him.

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coralanne · 02/12/2009 22:00

MIL probably doesn't drive because FIL has spent years telling her she is too stupid and would never succeed. My DS remarried and obtained her DL at age 49. New husband gave her the confidence to do that after first husband spend 20 years telling her how stupid she was. ( don't think a registered nurse could be that stupid)

coralanne · 02/12/2009 22:12

Macpower, as horrible as FIL sounds (he sounds like a bully and control freak) but presents a civilised front to the outside world I would like to comment how refreshing it is to hear a DIL say such nice things about MIL. I"d say 8 out of 10 MNetters can't stand MIL. I was seriously starting to worry about the time when DS gets married. Get on great with DD's DH but it seems to be the DIL's who have problems with MIL. BY ALL MEANS GIRLS PLEASE PROVE ME WRONG.

coralanne · 02/12/2009 22:36

Macpower, as horrible as FIL sounds (he sounds like a bully and control freak) but presents a civilised front to the outside world I would like to comment how refreshing it is to hear a DIL say such nice things about MIL. I"d say 8 out of 10 MNetters can't stand MIL. I was seriously starting to worry about the time when DS gets married. Get on great with DD's DH but it seems to be the DIL's who have problems with MIL. BY ALL MEANS GIRLS PLEASE PROVE ME WRONG.

AmericanHag · 03/12/2009 00:19

YANBU. Not only is your FIL a selfish bastard, he is abusive to your MIL. You can't change that - only MIL can (by leaving him, and she won't, certainly).

DO take your MIL out to celebrate her birthday without your FIL. Sure, he may pitch a fit later, but so what? Why should the rest of you tolerate his abuse?

If you all keep giving in to him, he'll just continue the tantrums and bully tactics.

MadamDeathstare · 03/12/2009 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maxpower · 03/12/2009 20:33

Ok, we've got it sorted. All the nice members of the family are meeting up with MIL for lunch on Saturday and she's very excited.

We'll have to get our own back on him by having a brilliant time.

coralanne DH and I are really lucky. We both get on great with our respective MILs. Hopefully I've given you hope that DILs and MILs can and do get on!

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