to be upset that I've been asked NOT to buy niece a christmas present as 'she is too old'

[theseconddayofchristmas]

I've been sent an email by my SIL to say that now that niece is 18 we shouldn't send her presents any more.

I had emailed to ask what she would like. We've always bought her something nice because we never see them any more (they moved abroad).

I am upset because this is really the only way we show that we still think about her - and if she is so grown-up, why is her MOTHER telling us this? Why can't she tell us?

I feel a bit upset about it - AIBU?

(have name-changed)

[MsDoctor]

Just send something anyway...iTunes voucher or something would be good.

[AvengingGerbil]

Is this SIL trying to tactfully say that she won't be buying gifts for your DCs once they are over 18?

Must admit, I don't do gifts over 18 either.

[sparklefrog]

I have had the same request this year. Money is rather tight in my house atm, but no matter how old my nieces/nephews are, I like to buy them a little something for xmas.

My eldest nieces are in their 20's now.

It seems unfair to me that they should go without a present because they are now adults.

[emsyj]

YANBU - your niece is an adult, and so are you. If you want to buy her a gift, what's it got to do with her mother??? I don't get it. Unless she wants to try and 'help' you out by taking away a sense of obligation that she feels is there? Do you have children that she buys presents for? Is she wanting to put a stop to this but can't think of any other way to do it than cutting off your gifts to her child? I would just tell her that you are very fond of Niece and would like to buy her a gift and that you don't consider that this places any obligation on her to reciprocate with your children.

[theseconddayofchristmas]

We have small children and she said she wants to keep buying them presents

I can't really make a lot of sense of it

I just feel upset because they moved so far away and this feels like she is cutting another tie, IYSWIM?

[SuWoombOfImmaculateConception]

In our family we stopped gifts when the children got to 18, I was never bothered. One of my nieces will be 18 next year and I think I will still buy for her as all the other ones are little. When they all get to 18 within a couple of years of each other, I will probably stop too.

[Tolalola]

I agree with emsyj. You get to pick who you buy presents for - that's sort of the point!

But I would mention that you absolutely don't expect anything back.

[sparklefrog]

Just wondering if you have always bought a gift for particular family members, every year, why you would stop once they reach 18 AvengingGerbil?

Genuine question out of curiosity.

Does this include all over 18's?

I admit I do not buy presents for brothers/sisters/uncles/aunts with children, since I cannot afford to buy for both adults and children in the family, but I always buy my nieces/nephews/parents and my own DC.

My son is now 18, and I still buy for him (even though he has told me not to worry because if he wants something he will buy it himself out of his own money).

[Gracie123]

I can see both sides really. Maybe you could write her a christmas letter/note and start a pen pal style relationship with her?
That way you haven't gone against her mothers wishes, but you still get to send something/show you care.

We have issues at the moment with parents (mine and DH's) will not respect our wishes regarding DS. We have strict rules about presents, partly because we don't have a lot of money but, as his parents, feel that it is our turn to be able to make up a stocking/buy his main gift. Our gifts are completely undermined when a well off relative wants to spend a couple of hundred quid on a gift.

We have told them they can either contribute to the gift we buy him, buy him a small gift, or buy him a small gift and contribute some money to his trust fund.

Unfortunately they never listen...

[jasmeeen]

Maybe she doesn't want you to feel obliged to buy her something as she is now 18?

But if you want to buy her something then do so, I'm sure she will appreciate it.

[pagwatch]

Some of my siblings started the whole - lets not buy for the children anymore ( very convenient when I had mine last and had bought for their for years ) then they changed that to 'lets not buy for the nephews and neices once they are adults.

I don't like not sending anything so I send each family a big lush box of chocolates. It has the extra benefitthat I can do all my christmas shopping on the Hotel Chocolate website and I am done in an hour

[sparklefrog]

Rubyrubyruby You have said exactly what I do, but in much less words

Thank you.

[Gracie123]

Oh yes! What about a family gift that they can all share? I'm sure her mother would appreciate that.

[hatwoman]

ya definitely not bu. you're an adult, she's an adult. you're her aunt, she's your neice. I think - that unless there's a very good reason - it's nothing to do with sil. I actually quite strongly believe this even if she weren;t an adult. I don't think parents have the right to regulate their children's relationships in this way. yes regulate them to prevent harm, obviously, but all the other stuff I think parents can only guide and advise - not lay down rules.

[Pikelit]

YANBU to want to buy your niece presents but YABU in wanting to read too many motives into your SIL's request. Isn't this about setting down markers for everyone? Only it may be that your niece wants to be released from buying reciprocal presents now she is 18. Which is quite a usual way of adult children dealing with their extended family at Christmas. Ultimately your choice is to carry on as before unless invited, by your niece, to do otherwise. But do make it clear she isn't under any obligation to reciprocate.

[theseconddayofchristmas]

they are both teachers so they end up drowning in 'family gifts' TBH

I just feel that our relationship with them is pretty non-existent now and this is just another thing

DH is particularly upset actually as he is her godfather

We email her occasionally but don't really expect her to have much of a relationship with us now she is a teenager and we are old fogies living in another country - but just wanted to do something that shows we care

[Gracie123]

hatwoman so you'd let you DC have anything someone bought them regardless of how you felt about it

I think it is a parents responsibility to help their children grow into mature adults with good character, and sometimes some rules need to be laid down to ensure that happens.

[Gracie123]

All the more reason to send her a proper handwritten letter. You are old fogies and can get away with it. Young people never get handwritten letters anymore and it's always nice to receive one, particularly from a foreign country.

You could let her know that if she ever wants a 'free' (accommodation) holiday in the UK you would love to host her.

As her godfather I think it's fair enough for DH to want a relationship with her, but also need to tread carefully unless you want to cause a bigger divide between SiL and yourselves...

[Gracie123]

I agree and hopefully will feel the same about my 16yo let alone my 18yo, but I haven't got any yet.

I'm not saying SiL is right by any means. I'm just saying that it will probably cause more tension/distance between you if you don't respect her wishes. Especially since she put them so formally in an email.

[pagwatch]

Gracie - that is a bit of an extrapolation from Hatwomans position isn't it.

She said that she is talking assuming there is no good reason for this random bar on presents. And that the present is not something damaging or harmful.

If I asked a relative not to bother sending a present to my DD and they chose to send her a book , are you really suggesting that I would be instilling poor morals and undermining the premis that 'rules are to be adhered to' by being a little miffed but letting DD keep it.

I would see that as polite and pregmatic. The present giver has been rude by ignoring my request but to shun the presewnt would be childish and overly dramatic. Surely?

[pagwatch]

pregmatic?

(Is that accepting the news that your contraception didn't work...)