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AIBU?

To just let my husband lie in bed all day

19 replies

fernie3 · 01/12/2009 10:32

My husband has been suffering with depression for around a year now. He had one month off work in the summer because he just felt so bad from a mix of the depression and the side effects of the medication he was on. He went back to work and things seemed to be fine again.
This weekend thigns have gone downhill again. He WANTED another baby, he has always said he wants a big family and so we agreed to try for another since he was feeling ok. I told him I was pregnant last week and his response was not only unreasonable and a total shock to me but it really upset me and still does even though he has tried to take it back.

Since then he has been wallowing again, he slept all weekend, he has been lying in bed and he hasnt bothered to go into work he is just lying in bed doing nothing. I am terrifeid he will lose his job and tbh I just dont want to sit with him while he talks about how awful his life is. It isnt we have a great life, orur house is nice, we are not short of money, our lids are healthy and generally well behaved. I dont get it.I am so annoyed with him at the moment I just cant bring myself to even sit next to him let alone talk to him try and persuade him to get up etc.

Is it totally unreasonable to just leave him there all day - he seriously will not get up for anything other than to use to the toilet, last time I had to take him drinks.

unreaosnable to get on with my life and leave him there to do what the hell he wants?

OP posts:

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fernie3 · 01/12/2009 10:33

please ignore my mistakes!

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cantmummyhaveabreak · 01/12/2009 10:43

YANBU, leave him there by all means but please dont take him drinks...

not to pry but do you not think it may have been too soon to ttc if he was off work for a month real bad only in the summer... ? I can understand he seemed better, but a month off feeling like that is a heck of a long time, maybe he needed longer to get himself 'back to normal'... i mean there's not much you can do now, but make the most of it, and get him the right help he needs to be on top form for when the baby arrives.

Congratulations on your pregnancy BTW.

fernie3 · 01/12/2009 10:50

thinking about it now it was too soon. He was very enthusiastic about it and he has never been depressed about the kids so I just sort of went with it, obviously I was wrong to do that but as you say its too late to change it now.

I am going to leave him there I cant look after everyone and if he doesnt even want to try then thats it really, I spent my whole childhood living with my severely depressed mother looking after her and looking after my sister and I think I am over reacting because I really thought he was feeling better. The reason it was so bad in the summer is that a couple of very stressful things happeneds. they were resolved and he seemed better so I thought that was the end of it. Obviously not.

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Morloth · 01/12/2009 10:52

Is he getting any help for his depression?

fernie3 · 01/12/2009 10:57

He was on medication for a couple of months but the doctor took him off them because he was back to normal once a few things had been taken care of and he was not happy about taking medication. He has been back to the doctor yesterday who gave him a questionnaire and told him to come back in two weeks. It was a fight to get him to go in two weeks not only will his job be in danger if he stays off but god know how he will be then,he is 6 foot 2 and nearly 15 stone so not easy for me to force anywhere!

He doesnt really want help as far as I can see, he just wants things different.
I have offered to get a job so he can stay home he hated that idea. I have offered to move somewhere else. I even offered to have an abortion (although in reality I dont think I would) he didnt want that. I offered to leave he didnt want that. he doesnt want ANYTHING. He just wants to lie down all day and whine about things that really dont matter.

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Reallytired · 01/12/2009 11:00

I think that if he is as depressed as you say then you should phone his GP and arrange a home visit.

Either is is severely ill or he needs a kick up the backside. Only a medically qualified person can tell.

If he is severely ill then you are unreasonable to do nothing about the situation.

cantmummyhaveabreak · 01/12/2009 11:01

Well you can't bee too far pregnant yet so at least you have a good 6mths or so to get everything ready.

DH can get the right help and councelling? (if he isn't already) He will be fine about the pregnancy in time, when i fell PG with DD1 we really didn't feel ready at that time as we had a 7mo DS, DH was worse than me, but even he was fine within a few weeks.

Do you know the reason he has reacted badly to the news of being PG? surely he knew it was going to happen at some point as you were activley TTC- you were obviously at it enough to get PG, so why has he reacted so badly to it?

fernie3 · 01/12/2009 11:05

I have no idea at ALL why he has reacted so badly to the pregnancy, he was so enthusiastic about it and really seemed to want another. I was very shocked at the way he reacted and I still have no idea why, he wont discuss it at all either which doesnt help. As far as I can see nothing has changed we have room in our house we have no reason to worry about another and yet he acts as though it is a major issue.

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Knownowt · 01/12/2009 11:08

If he's depressed then trying to understand his thinking is an exercise in futility- he's suffering from an illness and his attitudes and behaviour are a symptom of that illness, not of his underlying views. It sounds as if he needs to see his GP urgently- will he go if you make an appointment for him? If not, I'd call the surgery and see if someone can come out.

PixiNanny · 01/12/2009 11:12

tbh I don't think you should pander to him, ill or not. Loads of people are depresse or worse yet a lot of them still go about their days relatively normally. It's going to damage your relationship with him and your children's relationships with him if he continues on in this way so he needs to get up and get sorted imo.

(I know I sound harsh, I apologise, but it will deteriorate your life if he doesn't start getting his in shape and you cannot care for him, your current children and the baby on the way!)

kinnies · 01/12/2009 11:18

Oh dear frenie3

I agree with reallytired, call gp and get them to come round.

Can you get anyone else to talk to him like his mum/dad, friend, sibling? If you can think of someone then dont tell him their coming round cos if he's anything like i was when depressed then he will prob go mad!

Try to get some support for yourself too as it can somtimes be harder on the 'well' person than the ill one.

fernie3 · 01/12/2009 11:23

We live hundreds of miles away from any family and he has never told them about any of this. I am going to call the gp tommorrow if he is still like this. He seems to be awake now which is one thing.It took 6 months for me to get him to see a doctor about a hernia. That is what kicked all of this off in the summer. he had an operation which went a bit wrong, he ended up with a giant scar amd a quite bad infection. Once that was finally sorted he seemed to perk up, so I had just put the whole thing down to that plus our older daughter had e-coli at the same time (I had a REALLY good summer lol).

I will call them and ask them to come out tomorrow if he doesnt either agree to go or make a miraculous recovery over night.

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NightShoe · 01/12/2009 11:30

He needs an assessment if he cannot get himself out of bed. He may well have had a relapse particularly if his antidepressants have been stopped. It sounds as if an assessment with a mental health team may be more useful because you will get a much clearer picture.

Pixinanny, I'm not sure you understand how serious depression can get. People with a mental health diagnosis of depression who are in crisis do not go about their days relatively normally. It is not something the OP's husband can neccessarily just "get up and get sorted". I have worked with people who are so depressed they are mute, don't eat and cannot even gather enough motivation or self worth to get out of bed to go to the toilet (with envitable consequences), and whilst the OP's husband is not on this level, you wouldn't tell someone with swine flu to get up and get sorted would you? It patently isn't as simple as that.

Knownowt · 01/12/2009 11:35

Hope the GP's helpful, fernie3. My experience of GPs and mental health is that unfortunately you may have to push to get the help you want/need, and by definition the depressed person is rarely in a position to do this. This site is quite helpful www.familyaware.org/

fernie3 · 01/12/2009 11:36

Nightshoe I think you are right about the relapse. I didnt expect it to happen but perhaps I should have. I know that really I am being totally inreasonable to be upset with him. I know it isnt something he is doing just to annoy me. Even about the baby I think he really did want it. He comes from a large family and has ALWAYS said he wanted a large family. He is a great father and the children were really I think what helped him get better last time. I am hoping the docotr will have something more to do this time now that it has returned as last time he was quite dismissive about it.

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madamearcati · 01/12/2009 11:41

Pixi nanny- it is quite clear that you haven't the first idea about depression.You can't just get up and carry on as normal not only mentally but often physically as well

OP- please ring your GP today and explain the situation to him.You might think your husband is being unreasonable , but the fact is that depression often does not allow you to think rationally.
And definitely you need support too

NightShoe · 01/12/2009 11:44

Fernie you could always try accessing your local mental health services directly. Many will take direct referrals without going through the GP is you think the GP is unhelpful/dismissive, look for the local Access Team or Crisis Response Home Treatment teams which usually act as an assessment gateway. Even if they deem that he doesn't need their services then they will at least offer some more specialist advice. There may even be a central number, but it all depends on your local healthcare trust.

PixiNanny · 03/12/2009 16:05

Nightshoe: I know how bad it can get and I know it isn't a simple matter, however if he is at a point where he does occasionally go to work still then he's still at a point where he can go out and get himself some help (or at a point where she can get help and he can respond to it). Being honest though, she is not in a poistion to care for him and he needs to be able to care for himself before the baby comes otherwise she's going to be in an even worse state.

As I said before, I know that I sound harsh, however I'm more concerned for the woman posting (the one left looking after him and kids and in the future a baby on the way) than for her husband who doesn't seem to want to help himself right now.

Reallytired · 04/12/2009 09:48

PixiNanny: I don't think you have the first clue. It sounds like as if her husband has completely lost insight into how ill he is.

"however if he is at a point where he does occasionally go to work still then he's still at a point where he can go out and get himself some help"

If only it was quite that easy.

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