for feeling like a skinflint when around DH's family who always spend ££££ on presents & materialistic stuff?

[stoviesfortea]

Hi, not sure if IABU or not here. I'm a regular poster but name changed just in case... I'm probably on a bit of a rant too. We (me, DH & 2 kids) don't particularly struggle for money but we are not loaded either, we have enough to break even most months I would say. For birthday presents we can only afford say £20 on one person and we can't / don't live an extravagent lifestyle, we have a mortgage plus 2 lots of part time childcare to pay for.

Anyway, DH's family are very materialistic and it just gets to me a bit. The other day we went for dinner to celebrate MIL's birthday and we got her a present around £20. I then felt so bad because DH's siblings each bought her stuff worth >£100 each I reckon. I know they are closer to MIL and maybe wanted to spend more but it just makes me feel so bad when we hand over what I think is a fairly good present and then they hand over a tonne of goodies.

Same goes for Xmas etc, they always spend £££££ on our kids while we don't (both out of principle and also cos of lack of £). At easter we got DS an easter egg and they got him a present that was probably near £100. They also redo their houses / kitchens / bathrooms literally every few years. They slag off DH and I because we haven't done our house up / got the latest gadgets / car etc but they seem to not realise that others just can't afford the things they can. They have no childcare costs either.

Maybe I am a bit but I also feel that some people consume waaaaaay too much these days and think everyone who doesn't is a total tightwad.

I always feel bad at the Xmas pressie exchange time because inevitably our £20 / £30 presents will look crap- I know it's the thought that counts but we will prob get slagged off- again!

[SqueezyIsBackToBlack]

Ignore them. It is the thought that counts and it shouldn't be about matching gifts penny for penny. No point in skinning yourself to keep up with them.

[vezzie]

Don't worry. Living within your means is an admirable skill and you are doing right by your own family

Also, a dedication to very expensive presents is tacky. You are not only sensible, but also more chic.

[CarGirl]

I can't believe they criticise your lack of £££££££££££s, have you asked them if you think you should get into debt to buy them gifts?

[PerArduaAdNauseum]

If they're actually being rude about your presents to them because you don't spend 'enough', then I think you should escalate and get them a goat in Africa this year instead. [evil].

Oh, YABU for feeling like a skinflint - they're being wastrels.

[stoviesfortea]

I think they think we have more money and they totally slag off DH as he drives (IMO) a perfectly good 'normal' car while they have a merc & a BMW. They just have too much money I think. Case in point- BIL bought a merc for the sole purpose of doing the school run

[CarGirl]

perhaps you just need to embarrass them and point out you just don't have the disposable income they all do. I also thought about giving them charity gifts

[dawntigga]

YANBU we have a maximum spend of £50 for birthdays/Christmas for us and immediate family. SIL spent £££££'s on her family and ended up having her house repo'd. She still doesn't get the connection!

SkinflintAndProudTiggaxx

[LoveBeingAMummy]

If they are that bothered your presents will be degraded.

Don't worry and e njoy being debt free they might not be

[MillyMollyMoo]

I wouldn't worry by the end of next year nobody will have any money what so ever with the tax hikes that are heading our way and then you can feel very smug that at least you have no debt

[ClaraJo]

Due to a lack of money, I now have to set a very strict budget for Christmas/birthdays for my own children, never mind everyone else's. And blow me, if they haven't used and appreciated what little I can now afford way more than the stuff they used to get when money was less of an issue.

Fortunately, my sisters and I have played a game of "what's the best present you can buy for under a fiver?" for years (we only buy for the children). I had my eldest when they were still heavily in debt with student loans, so it went from there. Even now they're very wealthy, we don't see the need to change the tradition, because it's fun!

I had to come straight out and say to my SiL that we wanted to do similar for her side of the family this year, and she started "oh but I love Christmas, and I love buying pressies" so I just said "well, we can't afford to reciprocate", so PLEASE can we agree on a budget? It was really hard at first to admit "Sorry, we just can't afford it", but now I don't feel any stigma.

And I always think of this - it's easy to buy presents if you just throw money at the problem.

You're not being at all unreasonable.

[MintyCane]

YANBU I know how you feel.

[Alambil]

I used my boots advantage points to buy my sister's present this year, so really I've spent nothing! I feel bad, but she knows I'm in dire straights wrt income atm so will understand and not mind... at least, not to my face!

YANBU - just keep doing as you are and be proud of setting a responsible example and attitude to your DC

[iwanttobepombear]

YADefinatelyNBU!
Could you ask them not to spend lots on your DCs as you can't reciprocate? Can't believe they spent £100 on an easter present .

What is important - how much money you spend on someone or the quality time you spend with them? I think you know what the right priorities are

[barbarianoftheuniverse]

We have exactly the same situation. A few months ago we gave DRels details of monthly income for this house- which turned out to be almost exactly equal to 'pocket money' paid out to their 3 dcs...

Haven't heard a word from them since!

[crokky]

I cannot imagine what your DH's family are actually buying eachother! I struggle to think of presents for adults and I always try and buy something that they need/can use.

My mum and my MIL do not like us to spend much on them. They want us to save our money so that we can look after our family, not spend it on gratuitous nonsense for them. MIL asked me to get her a particular £3 box of chocolates. She is very happy with this. She would cringe in horror if we spent £100 on her. Conversely, she gives us £100 in cash and gives the kids presents worth about £40 each - it is different - children like toys, grannies like buying toys (and me and DH like our £100 ).

I wonder how your MIL feels about all this (preumably pointless crap) stuff being given to her.

Having said that, I do know adults who behave like total children at Christmas and want a lineup of 10 presents for themselves so they can sit and open them like a 6yo. These sort of adults are usually easy to buy for as they are so materialistic, most gifty stuff will do.