Mumsnet Talk

i'm probablly wrong here,but what do you all think?

dd 13 has finally befriended a girl in her form. she has learning difficulties/SN and has no friends. they have all just started year 9 at the upper school,so its all new and scary.

form teacher asked my dd's group of friends to help this girl out,in the playground mainly. but nobody wanted to be seen with her. she has a helper in class,but nobody around in social situations.

so,dd has decided to sod everyone else,and brought the girl into their group at break/lunch....

problem is,dd has also started to take her friend all over school to her classes as she was having trouble getting around and arriving very,very late. she has no memory it seems. really struggling. dd is getting in trouble now for arriving to her own classes late!!

should i tell dd to stop taking her,or let it continue?

Please please please let her continue. Your dd is a star who will achieve much in life and will learn far more from helping her than dropping her for the sake of a telling off.
She is old enough to approach the form tutor and say could she inform the other teachers/give them a note for late arrival.

I hope that my ds1 will have someone to help him.

The world needs more people like your dd.

I'd let it continue for a while longer. Depends what sort of punishment will be dished out to her for being continually late. Can't your dd explain the situation. Surely if the new girl is having problems finding her way round she should have a helper on those occasions too, not just in class.

Perhaps the teachers have overlooked this.

But has your dd explained WHY she's late.

What a lovely caring young dd you have
I would be very proud of her.
Can she not explain to school why she is late to class, perhaps her friend needs a little more support school are not aware of.

Hi your DD is obviously kind and courageous to ignore the playground intolerance. As the form teacher asked for help, I would contact her and explain that your dd is getting into trouble for being late - while she could then clear the matter with other teachers I think ideally the child'd helper should be asked to assist her around classes. Really the child needs her assistant to sort out her books and classes etc, it's unfair to expect her to struggle or for your daughter to take up the slack. My DD has a good friend with SN, she also took on a helper role with similar results - eventually her friend's helper took over the in between classes bit. They returned to being friends not helper and helpee .

yes. she has told her teachers. but these teachers don't teach the other girl so not so sympathetic. its a large school on 2 levels,so takes ages to get from one block to the other.

all the staff are tucked away in staffrooms at break/lunch with only the barest supervision. form teacher is new too. i think dd is roughly ten minutes late tops for her lessons,but she has PE with this girl and now partners her for some activities. she got a bit of flack from rest of her group for this as dd is super sporty and i think her new friend holds her back,but she seems a bit more accepted this week.

Ten minutes is very late when a lesson is an hour long. Your dd needs to tell the form tutor that her friend is struggling to get around school, and if she needs help, then the TAs should be able sort that out. I'm not saying your DD isn't being very kind, but it is too much disruption to her own lessons.

the teachers don't seem to want to interfere with social grouping at this age (year 9)but i suppose they are stretched too.

well,yes,i'm proud of her. she's that sort of girl though. i find adults rely on her alot,which sometimes annoys me. but i'm glad she did this. she held back for a while as the other kids from this girls previous school were very negative about having her join in with anything. my older dd (year 11) actually noticed and spoke to dd about it and asked her to rise above it as she felt sorry for the girl.

she's in bed now....don't know how long the lessons are,but think slightly longer than the hour. yes fallen madonna,did wonder about this.

Your DD sounds wonderful. She is supporting and helping her new friend very well socially. Hopefully the other kids will follow her example and look beyond the SN and see the person. Really don't think school should be shoving all responsibilty onto your DD though, the school should be aware of the level of help her friend needs and get a proper plan into place. Your DD will prob continue to get into trouble, miss some of her class work and become stressed by the situation. And what happens to her friend if your DD is absent, will anyone notice she needs help ? Not fair on either of the children involved.

It doesn't matter if the lesson is longer than an hour really. Ten minutes is too late. She will have missed the objectives and expectations for the lesson. She should pass on her concerns tomorrow I think.

Your dd does sound like a lovely girl. We need more people like her!

elliephant is right, though, the school should be working out how to support her new friend in getting around, not leaving it to dd and then punishing her for being late.

Maybe dd or you should be talking to her head of year? (Sorry, dunno much about how secondaries work these days.)

Hope dd can carry on being friends with this girl without having to take on responsibilities which shouldn't really be on her shoulders.

parents evening is coming up too. if its mentioned about dd being late i will address that with individual teachers. but in meantime,dd will have to approach her form teacher.

She sounds absolutely lovely. I would be so proud of her.

she has her moments but she is definitely a nice person. she's good with people!

I can only agree that you speak to teachers at the parents evening. Its not fair that your dd is being punished for being late but nor is it fair that this poor girl who obviously needs help is left relying on another pupil.

Your dd is a star

your dd sounds lovely!

Aw! Your post has brought a tear to my eye.

You have a wonderful caring daughter, please don't ask her to stop helping her friend.

Could you send a note into the secretary to ask her to let all your daughters teachers that what she is doing?

You daughter is one in a million and I think she deserves a medal, not a telling off!

What a wonderful daughter you have. Have a chat with her form tutor or Head of year re the lateness.

Hope my dd's grow up to be this lovely and caring

BTW am a sec school teacher and lateness to lessons is annoying. However, if there is a valid reason and the HOY knows about it that should be fine. The HOY simply has to let all subject teachers know that it is a short term thing. The friendship should be encouraged.

Another thought might be that the school may realsie this girl needs a little more tlc in terms of getting to and frpom classes. They may well enlist the help of a TA or someone so your dd does not always miss the start of every lesson.

I realise I have just pointed out I am a teacher and then posted with typo's!! Trying to cook and type........sorry!

Your dd is indeed lovely.

How long is the break between classes?

At this age the kids should know to time manage, and I suppose your dd should try to bring this girl to her class first, and ensure that she leaves in time to get to her own class? Surely it shouldnt take 10 minutes to walk from one part of the school, to the other?

Make sure you know for a fact that the reason for har tardyness is that she is helping another student, and not just an excuse.

i said in my op that it takes ten minute 'tops',bearing in mind they are all new to this school...its the upper school,bigger that middle school.

she is planning on bringing this girl home from school for tea one day next week,so will be nice to meet her. and meet her mum too. she doesn't get invited back anywhere apparently,but i have offered to drive her home afterwards. will see.

breaktime is 20 mins,lunch only 35 mins

Aww your DD sounds lovely.

In your position I'd give the SENCO a call and explain, ask her to have a word with the teachers in question. Or the head of year.

The SENCO might be able to arrange for the LSA to make sure the girl gets to her new class OK without your DD having to do it, but should certainly be able to keep the other teachers off her back.

I'm with TheFallenMadonna - your daughter is being lovely, but 10 minutes late is very late for any lesson, no matter the length of lesson.

she is being fantastic but she must be aware that she also has to look after herself.

Its like the bit in the aeroplane safety check where you are told to put on your own mask before helping others - its wonderful to help this girl, and if she was in her classes with her then that would be one thing but she is taking her from class to class and then going somewhere completely opposite herself.

Your daughter can see it as her job to befriend her, look out for her etc - but it is the school's job to help this girl get from lesson to lesson if she has problems remembering where to go....your daughter cannot risk her education, her exam results and getting detentions and tellings off in this case.

I doubt very much your daughter will feel brave enough to approach the school but you are in a position to do it -let them know you are trying to foster this citizenship and community skill in your daughter and you are very proud of her, but she is getting into trouble.