To still want him?

[mightymumof2]

Ok tried posting this on the relationship bit but seems quite over there so moving it here.

I have been thinking of posting for a while and checking the relationships talk hoping to read of someone in my situation so i would not have to.

Now I have decided to as I would really like to come across someone who may have gone through something similar and who came out the other end as a happy family.

Its a long story which im sure I could write a novel about but as this is MN i will keep it short....or try to.

My exP and I have two DC one school age one nursery. we seperated a few months ago. Before this he had been unfaithful a number of times over the years. It was always with the same person. It was not an affair as such but more a one night with this person in a space of a year.

He never told me I found out about it and the woman has been wonderfully entertained by my misery as she has wanted us to break up.

We have been to counciling together, he has been for counciling on his own. We got engaged as thing were going well. The last time it happened was over a year ago now however, I decided to end it because he seemed to have moved on but I just could not.

I am still so torn apart by this and although he has really tried and proved himself to me the last year I just could not stand the worry and the mistrust any more.

So after months of agonising over my decision and the heart ache that I was failing my children I made the leap and ended it.

Since him moving out it has been a real struggle he is having the children every second wkend and if he gets off work early will come and put them to bed.

Since we broke up he has asked if I would marry him now and put all this behind us. However, the last week I think he has given up as He just has not bothered being nice to me and in an arguement the other night hit me (this is the first time he has ever been violent)

I am just so lost because ultimately this was the man I was going to marry and spend all my days with and I still love him and am so desperate to have the solid family life for my children. But I can not change what he has done and I can not help that every day when the thoughts of what he has done (the cheating) come to mind I feel like my insides are being ripped out.

I think I have gone on for too long now so will leave it there but would be greatful if anyone who has had similar experience has any wise words.

[skidoodle]

You don't give your children a solid family life by getting back together with a man who has hit you.

[InMyLittleHead]

So, he's claiming to have had this big change of heart and is trying his best to win you back, but then hits you? This is his best behaviour?

Sorry, but he doesn't give a fuck about you.

What you've discovered about his infidelity is probably only the tip of the iceberg. I doubt it was just the odd infrequent one night stand.

[pumpkinpasties]

I'm sorry I've not been in your situation, but I think you should think yourself lucky that you've made an escape before the violence got any worse, which unfortunatly it usually dose.
children dont need to see their parents arguing and definatly not hitting each other.
I know its easy to say, but time heals all wounds and you will move on bcause eventually you will ahve to.
send ing you a big

[Sassybeast]

As much as your heart is breaking, a man who sleeps with someone else and who hits you is not your knight in shining armour. Perhaps next time he hits you, it might be if front of your babies. stay strong and stay away from this man - you deserve so much more. It is very very easy to keep going back because it's familiar and it's less scary than being on your own, but in the long run, this man will not make you happy.

[mightymumof2]

well no obviously him hitting me was not his best behaviour. this was just the other day. up until then the last say 16 months he has been as a partner should be.

I do know the full extent of the cheating and I did not just find out about it. It was over a year ago when i did. but broke up recently just because I did not think we could move on from this.

[wreckofhesperus]

Please don't go back to a man who has hit you. Please don't expose yourself to that kind of danger.

I understand if you're feeling lonely and wondering about what's best for your children that you might want to give it another go. I absolutely guarantee that being in a relationship where you can't trust your partner to respect you is not good for you or your children.

[Vallhala]

Just one slap, he's never done it before, right?

My ex husband was that man once.... until he hit me again. And again.And again....

Get out before either you or your DC get badly hurt, or worse. If they can do it once, they will do it again. These are not the actions of a man who loves you OR your children.

[InMyLittleHead]

How will you ever know that you know the full extent of it though? I am not trying to make you feel like shit, just pointing out that he has deceived you and the trust is gone.

[mightymumof2]

the problem for me is not that he hit me. I know that might sound wrong but I have hit him on a few occations in the past. That does not mean I dont give a f* about him. It was a shock as he is not in any way violent and obviously it should never have happened.

Yes it is hard being on my own but its not why I still want us to work thing out. Its because he is a good man who was still a boy when he made those mistakes and he is the best father I have ever met (obviously not the cheating)

When we are together as a family the four of us it feels right and the childrens faces say it all.

nobody sounds very forgiving on here. Maybe your right.

[mightymumof2]

my sister was in an physically abusive relationship and it was awful.

This is not the same we have been together 7 years and I am not scared of him one bit.

Beacause I hit him does that mean over night i am going to turn into a husband beater?

[InMyLittleHead]

No, I would never forgive someone who hit and cheated on me.

You say you hit him - obviously this was wrong of you and probably another example of why this isn't a relationship that can last. But how likely is it that you could kill him doing that? Men are stronger than they realise, and even without meaning to he could really damage you if he does it again. Imagine your children's faces if they have to visit you in hospital because daddy fractured mummy's jaw and gave her concussion.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I know a lot more better fathers than him, who are better fathers precisely because they don't hit and cheat on their partners. It really is completely unacceptable behaviour, and I hope you will see that.

[mightymumof2]

Thats a fair point. He is extremely strong. are you married with kids inmylittlehead

[honey123]

Once trust has gone it is very hard to get it back.
Even if you can forgive/forget him hitting you, you obviously can't get over the infidelity. Don't blame yourself, he was the one that did it, not you, you have put your children first by tryin to forgive but that isn't always possible. If he is a good father, as you say he is, he will still have a good relationship with his children.
Don't let the past make you bitter, I suspect you feel he hit you because you were being unreasonable, maybe that is why you ccan forgive that.
If you don't trust him now, is there anything he can do that would change that?
Maybe some things are just too big to get over.

[mightymumof2]

thanks for everyone has posted their advice so far.

Honey123 yes I know he will always have a fantastic relationship with the children he will always make sure of that.

he was 20 when we had our first child none of us planned to be parents and we probably would not have chosen to be together forever if it had not have been for the circumstances.

I coped with this much better than he did. He was really scared things started to go wrong from there I suppose.

I loved him more than he did me and I think he was just confused about what he wanted.
It was not until the last time that He really seemed to grasp the reality of how he had behaved.

Ever since then I have been the one who wanted to leave the relationship and he has been the one desperate for us to be together.

I really dont know what to think I know form an outsiders view he sounds awful and I suppose thats why its good to hear them.

I am not delutional I know he has been totally out of order and I have not just sailed along accepting of this.

Something inside me just says he is the one and I suppose I am just waiting for him to prove that to me.

The last week has obviously crushed all that. Where as before we were still good friends and spending times together with the children. Now I have said he can not come in the house.

Its all just such a mess

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"he had been unfaithful a number of times over the years. It was always with the same person."

Just keep repeating that to yourself, because it is why you don't trust him. It wasn't once - just some crazy drunken night he forgot himself. It was spread out over a period of years - so it wasn't a weird reaction to some traumatic event. It involved the same person each time - so having erred once your ex took no steps to prevent a recurrence.

I'm sorry you still want him, because he really isn't worthy of you. He is undoubtedly sorry to lose his comfortable berth with you, but if he cared at all for the solid family life you value he would not have behaved as he has.

[mightymumof2]

I know and thats the worst thing because I grew up with only a mum and had a difficult childhood. I swore I would never let my children be from a broken home.

I have morals and I could never ever be unfaithful I would noy do it to him or our children.

I just wish we had never had children now because its so unfair on them, now they will grow up being stereotyped and will always be seen as being from a broken home. These are the children that statistics show are less likely to succeed in life. I have failed them and I just cant cope with that I am in so much pain and have so much guilt because I couln not make it work I am crying all the time.

I remember as a child I was never given a chance at school because I was just one of those poor kids from a single parent family who would never suceed.

[InMyLittleHead]

That statistics stuff is all wank. If you are determined to give your kids a good life, then that's the most important thing. I'm sure you'll find someone else you doesn't screw around behind your back and hit you when he's annoyed.

It's not you that didn't make it work. His behaviour has been totally out of order!

Look at this thread for inspiration:

[purpleduck]

"These are the children that statistics show are less likely to succeed in life"

Statistics schmatistics

Their father is involved in their lives, and YOU will be vigalent to ensure that they have a stable/happy home - regardless of where their father lives. It does not doom them.

As for the rest of it - you gave it your best shot and you can't get past HIS mistake - its not your fault, and of course it will hurt. You will get through this, and just because you are not with their father, does not mean you won't be with anyone.

You may not all be together, but you will still be a happy family if the adults make sure that is the case.

Good luck

[scottishmummy]

so much to deal with.you seem unclear.any friends/confidants who can support you?

this is your lived experience and only you can decide what you want to do, and when

shame you have to go through all this

[mightymumof2]

Thanks purpleduck.

But what happens when we do move on what happens when he has more children and sees them every day tucks them up in bed everynight how are my two going to feel when they only get to see him every second weekend.

What happens when we dont even live in the same town anymore.

Its just not fair on them. I just can not take the reality of us being seperate and how that is going to destroy the loving family unit they have.

We have only ever argued in front of them once so as far as they were concerened everything was great.

[InMyLittleHead]

Kids pick up on things, especially as they get older.

[mightymumof2]

I know if I was advising a friend I would say leave him.

But its not the same when your in the relationship. If it was not for the infedelity We would have such a strong relationship. We are best friends, we have so much fun, we get one another, we have the most beautiful smart children you've ever seen.

When I dont think about the past we are the happiest family around. Every one sees us like that. I have confided in a few of the mums at school that we have seperated and you should have seen their face their chin almost hit the floor. They are used to seeing us both out with the kids on the weekends on bike rides or at the park playing games which sometimes the whole park gets involved with. Hes such a family guy.

I just can not understand why he would risk all that. He obviously thought he would never loose it all. I mean his mum was treated even worse by his dad, he even went and had two other children with a different woman. And she just stayed with him regardless.

My ex sees this as strength that his mum was really strong to keep the family together. Even both his grandads have about 15 children each by different women. I think its the culture he was brought up in.

However, that definately is not my culture and that is why I am here on my own now suffering.

I just wish it could be fixed so there could be a happy ending for all of us

[SolidGoldBangers]

He doesn't love you.
You can't make him love you.
Trying to make him love you by putting up with shit, violence, lying etc and telling yourself is 'understanding' him or 'giving him a chance is going to hurt you and your DC. You can engage with him as a co-parent, the father of DC who is good to them, but this man is NOT your partner, or 'soulmate'. TBH it sounds like he considers the woman he keeps shagging to be his 'soulmate'. Don't hang on hoping for him to change into Your Partner, because he is not interested in being your partner.

[purpleduck]

Mightymum

You are borrowing trouble with all the "what ifs" and it is keeping you from doing what you know in your heart needs to be done.

Yes it will be hard - and you can't control what your dps choices may be in the future. But you can control how you deal with it. You can still decide that you will make a happy home for your children. You can decide that even if he (dp) sails off into the sunset you will talk to your kids, hold it together for them, and make sure they know that some adults make bad choices and it is not their fault.

You can do it!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

So he was brought up in a family where the men think it is perfectly OK to shag about and leave offspring scattered in their wake? It was not strong of his mother to put up with that - it simply encouraged her son to think that his father's behaviour was acceptable. And to behave that way himself.

No, it looks like he is unlikely to change his behaviour in the future, after all he is unlikely to really see it as wrong. If you stayed together, his infidelity is likely to continue.

You spoke of what would happen if you split and he 'moved on' to create another family, how hands-on would he remain with your two DC. It would seem, in his family, you don't have to move on to create another family! So even if you stayed together this could still be a concern.

You've said it yourself. If this was happening to a friend you'd tell her to leave. You know you need to take your own advice. for you.