Mumsnet Discussions - to feel like I am really not coping working full time and studying when I can?

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to feel like I am really not coping working full time and studying when I can?

(17 Posts)

By Fri 06-Nov-09 20:48:07 Add message | Report | Contact poster

Hi fellow mums,

I have been doing my Phd for what seems like a lifetime (7 years in March 2010 when I will submit). I returned to working 2 days a week after having a year off with ds (2.5 years old) but since then have had to increase my days to four per week as dh has been out of work (apart from a few freelance jobs) since February this year. The fith day is meant to be to finish the Phd but I rarely get that full day because of the way juggling two research projects often goes (meeting/phone calls/other deadlines often fall on that day). My little ds is looked after by my dh for three days and goes to nursery for 2 days a week. But when I am in the house I feel as though and it is probably true that my ds is all over me from the moment he wakes up until he goes to sleep at night. He is very demanding seems to either be laughing or on the verge of a tantrum - with nothing in between for very long - I really do not get a break unless I go out of the house which I do but feel guilty - like I am running away from it all? AIBU? or is this a normal feeling?

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Mon 16-Nov-09 23:21:19

I've been there. Small kids, full time job, studying. It's far from easy.

I also found exercise useful - some head space time, and it released endorphins. And TBH gritty determination. Keep picturing the moment that you get there. - imaging how proud you will feel. And what a great example it will give your kids. You really are nearly there now! Chin up, you'll do it!

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Mon 16-Nov-09 23:18:02

I've just done an MSc with 2 small kids, a f/t demanding job and a dh away for weeks on end all year round.

It was hard, really hard but I just became ruthlessly organised.Kids in bed at a resonable time, house run like clockwork, nights with grandparents (I am at my best early morning so 4/5 hours at the start of the day represented huge chunk of work.)

I gave up many w/ends, nights nad holidays but I loved it in a masochistic sort of way and now it is done and dusted I am so very proud of myself.

Exercise helped enormously with the stress.Without my aerobics and runnig,I would have gone mental.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Mon 16-Nov-09 23:13:12

Stick with it! I felt just like you for the last year of my part-time phd. DH used to lock me in to a room to get on with it, bringing cups of tea at frequent intervals. It worked, finally finished, and glad I did. It took me 8 years, without kids, so well done you! I don't recommend the part-time route, unless you're not working in the field at the same time - so hard as you say to juggle similar projects and you've had enough of work when you finish to have to start same sort again. Good luck!

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Mon 16-Nov-09 22:14:40

I tried for over three years to study successfully for my PhD. First time it all ground to a halt when my Dad died. I took a few months out, but returned to studying still very heavy hearted. Then not long after my long term relationship (temporarily) broke down. And, it all became too much and I just walked away. I didn't even have a conventional job (other than some lecturing/tutoring at my university) and I didn't have children. But, I still couldn't cope with the stress of it all. I always intended to go back to it, but somehow it never happened. And, obviously now my research is probably no longer relevant.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Mon 16-Nov-09 21:50:34

Can you get more strict about not doing research project work on your PhD day? Could you work entirely from the library on that day, for example, so no-one can phone you / drop in / email?

I've found from my own experience that if you announce firmly for about a month that you do not work on Tuesdays, and you are not available on Tuesdays, it does sink in to those around you, and they adjust their plans accordingly.

But I have to say, I'm incredibly impressed that you're working, have a toddler and are doing a PhD!

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Mon 16-Nov-09 21:19:57

thanks everyone for the good advice - yes I have decided that it is only four months away and then I can get on with looking after ds and dh a bit more

Feeling better and a bit more realistic about things

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sun 08-Nov-09 09:03:49

I have just submitted my PhD this week grin

. Somehow (no idea how) I have managed this whilst having two children during the course of it. They are now 3 and 1. I also worked part time.

I am absolutely exhausted but just wanted to say there is light at the end of the tunnel and it can be done. However - working whilst they are up and about? Never going to work. I used to work when they were asleep or in bed in the evening. I literally had about 5 evenings out in four years but it was the only way I was going to do it. Can you get some quiet time that way? Can you go to the library on the weekends even if only three or four hours? Get some help from somewhere - this is short term and the sooner you do it the sooner it all finishes if that makes sense? A few months in the life of a PhD is nothing - and really those last few months can be so intense. Something has to give somewhere and in the long term it is important for you to have this PhD.

Good luck - it really can work itself out in the end.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sun 08-Nov-09 02:29:51

job, not jog. I had better go to bed.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sun 08-Nov-09 02:28:55

March 2010 is hardly any time away at all in PhD time! You are just going to have to put your family life second for a few months and get it finished. If you had a year or more left I would say you should take a break from it, but if you are submitting it in 4 months then just go for it. Do not try and work at home. Go to your research office if you have one, or the university library if you don't. If you can't get to that, go to your local library.

But do not stay in the house and try and write up with a toddler around. They are the greatest ever procrastination tool.

I would not worry about the having it all thing. Most childless people can't combine a job and a PhD. I think it is amazing that you have combined a jog, a thesis and a toddler. It is only 4 months and then you can have a normal life!

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sun 08-Nov-09 01:33:10

Can you plan something really nice for your family for when you submit? That way you have two really exciting things to look forward to, and you can concentrate fully on your ds and dh then. Perhaps a trip away to somewhere you both love to go? That will help assuage some of the guilt that you sometimes feel!

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to feel like I am really not coping working full time and studying when I can?