Mumsnet Talk

Can anyone help. My partner's mother has terminal cancer and he just cannot cope with this at all. I am offering all my love and support but he is shutting me out and talking about moving out. At the same time as this my mother is ill and in hopspital recovering from a serious op. I am working full time, looking after house and family and supporting everyone and I canot believe that my partner is being like this. I have told him that all I need is a hug now and then and to know he loves me (as I am a bit stressed out) and he is so full of grief and self pity he says that he cannot cope. His mother is still alive and I think he is wasting this precious time. I have tried everything but nothing I say or do helps. If anything it makes it worse.

Men don't seem to cope well with this kind of thing at all. We women are much stronger than men.

lyndor- I have been there. I go pregnant with my first child about 3m after DH's father was diagnosed with cancer (second time) He acted as if my pregnancy wasn't happening because it was easier. He went out and got drunk, would disappear for days on end, wouldn't talk to me. It went away for a while when DS#1 was born and he was a sterling father for the first few months and then he reverted.

But there is no rationalising grief. It had to be endured not cured. In the end DH had prozac and counselling and it did help but long term he just had to force himself to deal with it.

So sorry.

Have you tried getting in touch with your partners mothers macmillan nurse (they are nurses who specialise in managing the symptoms associated with terminal cancer) as they will probably be able to access some support for your partner?

From you post I can see that maybe he is a bit overwhelmed at your neediness at the moment and unable to focus on anything other than his mum which is why he is talking about moving out. I am not blaming you for this AT ALL by the way and totally understand why you feel as you do but equally can see why he might not be able to cope with your needs at the moment when he is clearly not coping with his own grief.

A bit of outside support from someone like the macmillan nurse might therefore help. If you do not know who the nurse looking after his mum is try ringing the local hospice for advice as i am sure they will have some pointers.

Good luck - sounds like a terrible time for both of you x

Whilst what you are asking for is perfectly reasonable and your dh is being completely unreasonable his mum is dying and i think you just have to allow him to come to terms with this in his own way.
The death of a parent affects everyone differently i am sure when he starts to come to terms with his feelings on this he will turn to you for support.
Do you have a good friend or close family who can support you at the moment ?

Sorry, I haven't any advice. I have been through a great deal of family and friends dying of(amongst other things)cancer this year and almost all of the 'emotional crutch' for everyone was me. Now my best friend has breast cancer. I'm afraid I just shove my own needs to one side and sort everyone else out.

You know how animals go off and hide and lick their wounds? Well, people do that too, and that is what I think your dh is doing. He is probably like a rabbit trapped in the headlights. A parent dying makes you think about your own mortality in a big way and it is huge thing to move past.

My dh was great when my Dad died, and was just there if I wanted him, and was around but not pushy if I didn't and just let me work through what I needed to get through. I think you need to keep the tea coming but step back a bit and let him come to terms with this on his own. Men are really little boys in big bodies - try to think of him as a dc for a bit, iyswim.

Lyndor, it must be a terrible shock for him and I don't necessarily think it is a 'man thing' It is a grief thing. We all cope in different ways and by god, it is HARD being an adult sometimes isnt it?

I do hope you are okay though Lundor, having someone behave in this manner is incredibly difficult

My DH's mum was diagnosed as terminally ill when DD was 5mo, and she (DH's mum) died when DD was 10mo. It is SUCH a hard thing to deal with, especially when you are feeling fragile too. I found the hardest thing was not being in control, and not being able to communicate properly with DH.
One thing I thought hard about when I felt upset about the fact that DD hardly saw DH for months (he was always at the hospital), or upset about the fact that when DH did have time he often was very upset or angry,was that how I supported DH through such an awful time was a key part of who we were as a couple. I would have hated him to feel like I stopped him grieving, or stopped him visiting so much. Good luck, and remember that he is probably going through just one stage of the grieving process. Things will change and get better.

Message withdrawn

Thank you all for your kind words of support. I do appreciate it. He told me today he is moving out as he just wants to be with his Mum and I do understand that,as this time is precious for them. I guess if you love them you gotta let them go.

Seeing their OWN parents die, often people have to face that they themselves will not be around forever. They may think, "Why am I with my partner/spouse- I don't really love them. I'm wasting my life". I think you should consider that this may be part of the reason why he is behaving as he is. It's a possibility you should at least consider.
If you cannot support your partner through this, then I have to say you are better off apart. His MOTHER is dying for goodness sake!
The one female he can NEVER replace is leaving him and you aren't prepared to put your own needs aside for the little time she has left.
I feel sorry for him.
Partners may come and go; you only get 2 parents- YOU are the unreasonable one here, not him.
In all fairness, I think you realise this deep down- be glad you've both got a chance to start again.

Huge sympathy to you both. In his defence, I would say that when you are in the midst of grief you are not in your right mind. I know when my dad was dying I behaved in ways that I would never have done normally and I'm not proud of it. YANBU though because the situation is incredibly hard for you too.

Marantha -that is a little harsh I feel. OP has already said she is doing all she can to give love and support.

It is understandable that her DH is behaving in this way given the situation, but it must also be really really tough for her to be shut out in this way and for her DH to be moving out from the family.

You sound like you are doing a fabulous job under difficult circumstances to me, Lyndor.

Marantha, your post is very speculative, and not terribly helpful IMO.

wheresmypaddle: Harsh?
I don't think so; this is one of those situations in life that a person really HAS to sacrifice their own needs for another person (IF they truly love them, that is- only OP knows whether or not she truly loves her partner).
If a person truly loves his/her partner, this should not be TOO difficult as he/she will derive a certain pleasure in seeing his/her partner's needs being met(in this situation the partner is at least spending time with his mum before she dies which should give OP some comfort).
If 100% self-sacrifice is not offered and gripes are made about how much time the partner is spending with his dying mother, then I am afraid that the partner whose parent is going to die may hold a grudge against the "moaning" partner for ever along the lines of "For god's sake, are they that insensitive? Can't they see my mum is dying".
Which will probably drive a huge wedge between them.
My advice: let him go, and find a friend to confide in. DO NOT EXPRESS PERCEIVED SLIGHTS TO YOUR PARTNER (if OP wants relationship to last the distance of course- I can't possibly know if she does or not)

My dh lost his mother 2 weeks ago.
She was diagnosed a year earlier, but no-one thought it was terminal.
I think that because our lives were (and still are) very busy, he coped amazingly, and has been as positive as he can be throughout.
My bil found it very difficult, particularly in the first 6 months. His DW found it very difficult to deal with, but in the end realised that she could do nothing, just stand by him and be there when he needed her. Now she's died, he needs her, and she has been his rock.

Maratha your post has me fuming! Yes his mother can't be replaced, but what kind of cynical world do you live in to think that a husband/wife/partner is disposable?
I can quite see why the OP is having a hard time, and can totally empathise with how she's feeling - I think this is a time when she needs sympathy, reassurances that this won't last forever, and a virtual shoulder to cry on, if it's needed - not judgement and implications that she's being selfish!

seaglass, I am afraid that a husband/wife/partner IS disposable in the world we live in. Else there'd be no such thing as divorce.
And if you DON'T think they are disposable, then you should be 100% behind my view offered here i.e. sometimes a partner has to put their needs to one side and ONLY concentrate on how the other person is feeling- even if it means they are inconvenienced for a while.
I also stand by my advice to OP:
Do not moan to partner about how down you are feeling, and instead confide in a friend about it.
If this site, is a virtual shoulder to cry on, good. But I'm afraid the OP has asked for advice and I, for one, will not patronise her. I will instead offer sound advice and that is:
Put up and shut up- be there if he needs you.
It is not forever.

Marantha, I have given that advice, just more gently than you.
The Op is going through enough at the moment (and believe me, I've been there, I know how she feels) without well meaning folk calling a spade a spade so as not to patronise.
She asked for advice, not critisism, and at a time like this, I'm sure it was more of a plea for support.

Oooh! Get me - never had an on-line brawl before!

Marantha - sorry if I've offended, the grief thing is still quite raw in the seaglass household, so this has touched a nerve

people ,not just different sexes are completely different in coping with grief and immenent death.
some people are able to talk about it...others become very introverted.
i dont know how old DH is but men were always taught that 'big boys dont cry'. i dont believe that but it used to happen.

men in general do tend to bottle it up and convert the pain into some kind of blame or anger.
he is starting a mourning process now,before she has died...which is quite normal....
maybe when she has passed away he will be able to come to terms with her death more easily as he will already have done alot of the grieving.
I speak from experience of that as i watched my mother die very slowly for 5 yearsin a residential/nursing home.
And like another poster said,you do become aware of your own mortality as YOU are next to go.

Well, seaglass, a very, very close relative of mine died a few years ago and I am afraid to say that my other half at the time did complain that I was spending a little too much time with them (my relative) and made me feel bad about wanting to spend what little time they had left with them and I am afraid to say that my love for my then other half did not grow as a result. In fact, I really began to get bitter about his insensitivity. I could not understand that he couldn't comprehend my pain. I ended up hating the guy.
I am human and it is conceivable that OP's partner may end up feeling the same as me as he is human, too.
OK, I may be being TOO straight but, if OP really loves partner isn't it better to couch advice in terms that cannot be misinterpreted?

Sorry for the hard time you had when you lost someone Maratha - obviously our own experiences make us as we are

Sounds like anticipatory grieving to me. I'm going through this. My husband is worried about me. When my mum told me I didn't speak, I didn't comfort her, I couldn't move. So probably not suprising that I think yb abit u. He's told you he can't cope and your response is he is full of self pity. Yes your mum has gone trhough a serious op (I'm glad she's come through it), his mum is going to die and death from cancer is horrible. Let's hope he doesn't take too long to get over it when she does die, cause it doesn't sound like you'll be very patent.

seaglass, sorry if I've upset you in any way.
I may come over as brash but I don't really like upsetting complete strangers. But I end up upsetting someone every time I come here so I'm going to give this site a miss from now on.
Nevertheless, this is a great site and I will say this: all the best, Mumsnetters!