To not want to spend my 11th Xmas in a row at my inlaws? Long I'm afraid...

[Flyonthewindscreen]

I posted on this about the same time last year, ended up giving in and am now facing an 11th year. Yes I know there is a lesson in there for me .

Background: I have been with DH 12 years, married 8, 2 DC (5 and 7). Every xmas (apart from the first which we spent separately) we have gone to my ILs. To cut a long story short my only family left is my DF and he is busy with my SM and her family at xmas and as I'm not keen on my SM there is no question of spending xmas with them - we usually do a duty visit just before and everyone is satisfied with that.

Until the last couple of years, DH and I have lived in tiny flats/houses and didn't consider offering to host xmas. For the last couple of years we have lived in a reasonably sized house and have offered but are turned down by MIL on grounds

1. Too much work for me and DH ( we are in our 30s, she and FIL in 60s and he has not been well)
   
2. Me and DH would'nt be able to enjoy xmas with DC as too busy
   
3. She always used to take DH and his Dsis to her Dsis at xmas until they were older (not sure how this is relevant) and finally,
   
4. she really loves doing xmas.
   
   Also other unvoiced but suspected reasons on her part -
   
5. me and DH would not do xmas to her standards, to be fair she does a wonderful xmas with vast, perfectly cooked spread and tastefully decorated house and no way mine and DH's first attempt would be like that and
   
6. SIL is v close to her parents and loves xmas at her childhood home with all traditions just so - she would be distraught at the thought of having to come to us instead.
   
   Which brings us to xmas 2009, subject not yet broached with ILs. Me and DH talk about it last night, decide we would really like to have some xmases at home while the DC are still young rather than them only having memories of PIL doing it all (We do have breakfast, some presents and until late morning at home but then are at ILs until boxing day).
   
   I say he (DH) has to broach the subject because they are his parents. He agrees. I also say there is no point "offering to host", it will just get refused for reasons as above, he needs to say "me, KamR and the DC want to do our own xmas this year, we hope you and SIL will join us and let us return a little of the hospitality we had over the years" (subtext so if you want to see your only DGC on xmas day you can come to us). DH looks worried, I am not convinced he will actually say this but will end up being a repeat of previous years.
   
   FWIW I don't mean this to sound like an anti IL/MIL rant, I actually get on fine with them for most of the year. There just seems to be this thing about xmas that brings out this weird power struggle...
   
   So if you are still reading AIBU?

[Uriel]

YANBU.

We decided when after we had kids that we'd spend Christmas Day at home. Much more relaxing and nicer for little kids, ioo.
Rellies welcome to visit after lunch!

[titchy]

I think it sounds nice goign there! However i can appreciate that you want to do things your way... Is there room for compromise?

Maybe MIL and SIL come to you Christmas Eve? Or you go there Christmas Day, but mid afternoon or early evening once you've had Xmas lunch and opened all your pressies?

Can the dcs be 'too ill' to travel this year.....?

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

YANBU. It's hard though, to not just feel that it isn't worth the hassle and to just give in. After all, they aren't horrible and they are doing a nice thing. But every year that you give in makes it harder the following year.

Spend this year at home, enjoy it.

How far away do they live? Can you split it up more? So, go there in the morning for presents, or have them to you for breakfast, or have lunch there but then go home for the rest of the day?

[CakeandFineWine]

YANBU We always end up at IL's as I don't get along with the vast majority of my family.
But this year is DH's 1st off work since we had DD now and I would LOVE us to do our own crimbo this year, I say go for it they'll come round!

[diddl]

Good grief!

Can´t believe you done this so long, even if they do put on a great spread!

We have every other as a family.

[witcheseve]

I think everyone is entitled to spend a Christmas how they wish. I would just say you are having Christmas day at home this year for a change and suggest visiting Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead.

We have always spent it together but can remember one year, when her kids were younger and I was single, Dsis saying they wanted a year on their own so mum and I went out for dinner instead. It was the most miserable christmas dinner I've had but still appreciated Dsis choice.

[Tommy]

Can't you just say you are staying at home as a family and that you'll go to them on Boxing Day?

(I am a bah humbug BTW - I can't bear all this emotive "Oh you must come to us for Christmas - it will be lovely with all the family there.... " stuff)

[BonsoirAnna]

Your proposed wording as in the OP as to how your DH should broach the subject with his family is perfect. You just need to perfect the training of your DH's delivery .

[jelliebelly]

Do you actually enjoy Christmas at theirs? What are relations like between you and mil the rest of the year? If you get on well and everybody enjoys the day then I think YABU. BUT if the day feels like a chore and you really don't enjoy it then YANBU and you should simply do what you want to do. BTW hosting Christmas is bloody hard work if you are not used to it. Have you asked dc what they would like to do?

Just beware that if you decide to upset mil by insisting on staying at home, you need to be pretty confident that everybody will enjoy it and that you don't have a rose-tinted romantic view of what it will be like.

[OscarByTheSea]

YANBU. Could you alternate years?

[BiteOfFun]

Can I swap places with you? I would wear a wig or something and be no trouble

[catless]

I always went to Mam and Dad's for xmas until I met my current boyfriend and in our second year together he invited us all to his house for xmas and my Mother was actually thrilled not to have to do it herself. I believe she even shed a tear!

[Ivykaty44]

Stay at home and have christams with just the 4 of you - otherwise your dc will grow up thinking that people never ever ever stay in their ownhome for christams...

Then all get together on boxing day for a family spread

Do what you want for christams otherwise you allways please everyone else but yourself.

[Longtalljosie]

You may need to do the "year after next trick" I'm afraid. You need to broach this with over a year to go. So say to them - we're looking forward to Christmas with you this year - but next year we're having it at home - and hope you can join us.

With this year in the bag, they can't say no without seeming utterly unreasonable.

Of course, YANBU. But family Christmases are apart from normal rules...

[Doodleydoo]

Ooh Christmas, always a power struggle in our house and we race around like lunatics. If you are brave enough go for the home alone option, just be prepared for the over emotional thing. But you are well ahead as they can't possibly have booked the turkey yet can they?

[nickelbabe]

yanbu.
is there any way you can put the point across that you feel offended that they won't trust you to put on the full shabang?
"is my cooking/hosting not good enough?"

a good guilt trip is the way to go.

[ilovemydogandmrobama]

Could you do a Christmas breakfast/brunch?

This way you could do it ahead of time, but also won't be competing with your mil, they could see the kids open presents etc.

[Lotkinsgonecurly]

YANBU, you have been very patient. Oh, how I long to say, this year we are having Christmas day to ourselves and having a big gathering on Christmas day. However, probably won't. Good luck, would it be possible to start a new tradition...this year to you?? Next year to them????

[Flyonthewindscreen]

Thanks for all replies, I think I will have to trust DH to take the lead re talking to his parents. The thing is on one hand we all do get along the rest of the year and I don't want to cause a rift with everyone miserable and spending xmas separately (the DC would hate not to see their GP on xmas day)but on the other hand I hate the feeling that MIL is betting on me not to cause a fuss and so "getting her own way" for yet another year.

We do all have a nice time doing xmas their way, its just that as I said in my OP me and DH would like the DC to have some memories (doesn't have to be every year)of xmas at home and although hard work it would be pleasant to be at home doing things slightly differently (less formal and feeling able to refill my own wine glass at my own pace ....)

[BlingLoving]

Can I clarify - you are happy to spend it with them, you just want to have it at your house for a change?

YANBU at all. And while I appreciate that for MIL it feels like the world's biggest big deal, I think you are taking the rigt approach. I would also get DH to try a little manipulation (not something I normally advocate) eg "KamR really would like to host it this year. She loves spending Christmas with you all but she misses her own family and would like to do something at our home" blah blah blah.

[Stigaloid]

Oooh good luck - think the wording is perfect. Just state that Xmas is at yours - they are welcome to come but you want the kids to have Xmas at home. Just as your DH and hid DSis had christmas at their family home. Simples. Good luck!

FWIW i don't share Christmas with anyone. Christmas day i am home with DH and DS (and soon to be born DC2) and that is the way it is. People can visit before or after but Xmas day is ours and ours alone!

[sayithowitis]

The way you have worded it is perfect. Nobody could or should take offence at that.

FWIW, we made it very clear to both families, before we even got married, that we would be spending Christmas day on our own, in our own home. W wavered a little when the Dcs were born, but after a particularly disastrous experience when DC2 was a bay ( think teething + viral infection + casual visitors just 'popiping in'for half an hour that turned into half a day and meant dinner for our guests not ready til tea time) we called a halt to it ane went back to our original plans of just us for Christmas Day. It is great. Occasionally we have an elderly relative for the day as he is now alone, but the whole family share it out and he is actually fun with my DCCs and no trouble at all for me and DH.

Once you have had your own Christmas once, i bet you have it every year!

Good Luck!

[ChairmumMiaow]

YANBU.

I keep saying we're not going to MIL's for Xmas repeatedly but all too often we go, and end up cooking the dinner in her house (DH hates her cooking and always suggests I cook all meals). She's been divorced nearly 25 years, lives alone and can no longer drive due to illness so even though DH doesn't guilt me into it, I feel bad even though we don't get along

We can't do it for a few years IMO as her house is not safe for DS (upstairs windows at floor level with really easy latches) and I won't leave him alone at all, just in case (I'm not normally that uptight).

Last year we got her to agree to come to ours for one night, which she did in the end but not till boxing day as we all had a D&V bug before Xmas. It was not a fun time so this year DH and I are going to the canaries where nobody can find us

[IloveJudgeJudy]

Can I just mention another point of view? When I was young we ALWAYS went to my mother's parents for Christmas and stayed till Boxing Day, along with all the aunts, uncles and cousins. It was fun, BUT we always had to be there for lunch and 2pm and I know that my grandmother used to get a bit shirty if we were at all late.
We lived 1 to 1 1/2 hours away and so for us children it was always a quick open our presents, look, say "thank you" and then off we went. We never had enough time to play with them as we were always rushing about. We didn't like that and I'm sure your children don't either.
So YANBU

[AnnVan]

DP's family have a similar problem. They ALWAYS went to their Nanna's for Christmas. Problem now is that most of us don't live near her. For DP the added problem is that she cooks turkey every single year (neither of us are turkey lovers) MIL and SIL finally broke the tradition Christmas 07, and insisted on having Christmas down our way. MIL's sis was distraught as it would 'ruin Christmas' for her darling angel DC's I can understand why Nanna was resistant to it, as she loves putting on the spread. In the end we won out though, and CHristmas was spent in Kent rather than London. Last CHristmas we went up to London, although we had difficulties getting there. Christmas will be down here again this year.
YANBU - you should be able to create some of your own traditions with your DC, not be totally bound by the traditions of the previous generation.