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AIBU?

that mother wont have mine overnight but will have his cousins???

19 replies

porcamiseria · 30/09/2009 09:14

Whenever I leave DS with my mother he tends to cry and get upset (he is 1.5 years), and I can see that this really upsets her alot. For some reason he has not really clicked with them....he gets on very well with the rest of the family (DH) side, and I think maybe this is cos they are more relaxed with him. Anyway this upsets me, so I suggested she have him overnight. Friends have advised me to bite the bullet on this, as sooner or later he needs to spend time with them and he needs to get used to them. In parallel to this they often have his 2 cousins (similar age) overnight. The eldest grandchild is very familiar with them since birth and even tho his sibling is not the best sleeper she seems to be OK as her brother is there. I work 5 days and have NO HELP with baby from mother, so I am a bit reesentful that one side of the family can leave babies for nights and swan off, anyway my Mum said NO as she said that she does not think DS is "ready". Basically I think she is scared he will will cry hysterically and she wont get any sleep. The last thing I want to do is upset DS or my Mum, but when will he be ready? I want to be reasonable here, so how can I foster a better relationship. I am also very angry and resentful that one side can fxxxk off for baby free mini breaks and I cant, but I need to be a biggger person on this! any advice??

OP posts:

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GoldenSnitch · 30/09/2009 09:21

I think going straight to an overnight visit is a little extreme! If he's uncomfortable being left for short periods of time with her then overnight will be very distressing for both of them.

You need to spend more time with them while you are there - while allowing you Mum to be the hands on carer. Once he feels safe with her, he'll be happy to stay alone for longer and longer periods until eventually you can leave him overnight.

There are some things you shouldn't rush. Dropping him off for a terrible overnight stay could make him even clingier and your mother resentful and upset and the process will take even longer.

saadia · 30/09/2009 09:21

I think you should build up to it, start off by leaving him for an hour or so and see how it goes.

herjazz · 30/09/2009 09:21

ok - is it the principle of this that you don't agree with or do you really WANT to leave yr baby crying overnight with yr mother who doesn't sound like she can cope with it very well?

Cos I wouldn't want to be doing the latter.

Sounds to me like yr mom isn't ready to have yr ds - and he isn't ready to be left all night with her. I would work on building up their relationship in the day when you are around. Do nice things together - go the park, have fun. Maybe once he is settled with yr folks things will be a bit different

Try not to see it as a competition with his cousins or entitlement to help

handbagqueen · 30/09/2009 09:23

I wouldn't leave your DS overnight if he is upset being left with your mum during the day. The best appoach may be to build it up over the day slowly, until he is happier and more comfortable, then when you have daytimes sorted you can try nighttime. Nighttimes are pretty dis-orentating for young children and they tend to need someone who can give instant comfort if they wake during the night. The best way to build up time during the day is to start off with you being there too - so he doesn't associate your mum with being left on his own. This worked with my very clingy DD - and now she tells me to go out and leave her with my mum.

flowerybeanbag · 30/09/2009 09:34

Well if your DS is unhappy to be left with her at all I can't see that it's a good idea to suddenly leave him overnight. Similarly if your mum is concerned about coping with him and worried she won't get any sleep I think it's completely not on for you to expect her to do it anyway!

My parents live abroad, so it's not an issue. DH's parents have never offered to have DS overnight and even if they did I would not accept the offer. I certainly wouldn't ask them to do so!

The most they ever have him is for a few hours maybe two or three times a year. Afterwards they are always tired. DS isn't particularly hard work at all for a 2yo, but for people in their 60's it's very tiring. I certainly wouldn't expect them to have him overnight including getting up early with him just so DH and I can 'swan off' for mini breaks or whatever.

They do have my niece overnight fairly often and it's noticeable that several times my MIL has mentioned to me how tiring she finds it and how difficult it is.

If you want your DS's relationship to improve with your mother, dumping him overnight isn't the way to go. I'd go with frequent visits, with you there as well rather than leaving him, and build it from there.

paisleyleaf · 30/09/2009 10:56

Are you spending time with your mum regularly and often with your DS anyway? I think that's where you need to start.
But overnight is long time for a 1.5 year old.
I don't really understand what your friends mean about biting the bullet - he'll have to do it sooner or later.
If you need a babysitter, how about asking your DHs family as he's happy with them.

OrmIrian · 30/09/2009 11:02

"Basically I think she is scared he will will cry hysterically and she wont get any sleep."

I don't blame her.

Do you really have to go straight for an overnight stay?

porcamiseria · 30/09/2009 11:42

Thanks everyone- you all speak sense. I think that I am letting resentment and frustration cloud my judgement here. No, why would I force suffering upon two people I love. Slowly slowly is the key here. Thanks again, as was very stroppy on this.

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 30/09/2009 11:43

Thanks everyone- you all speak sense. I think that I am letting resentment and frustration cloud my judgement here. No, why would I force suffering upon two people I love. Slowly slowly is the key here. Thanks again, as was very stroppy on this.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 30/09/2009 11:44

My kids didn't stay anywhere overnight without me until school age. Why does your child need to spend long periods without you? If he doesn't have to spend time without you then I wouldn't leave him. If he has to have daycare soon for work reasons then better to get him used to grannie slowly by you spending time all together and then just a couple of hours with her during the day. Overnight stays sound unnecessary and stressful. If your son gets on better with paternal grannie then might it be better to leave him with her if you have to leave him with anyone and she is willing to have him.

diddl · 30/09/2009 11:55

Why is it so important to leave him anywhere overnight?

I´m sure there are many of us who never have!

porcamiseria · 30/09/2009 12:06

I know! somewhat selfishly (!) I wanted a night out for a big party coming up, and throught "well if she has his cousins she can bloody well have him"- but as ppl have wisely pointed out having sobbing toddler and a stressed Mum is not ideal. Feel quite bad now. anyway, I had my innings with party nights out, more important to establish a comfortable rapport between them.
It DOES miff me that my bro and sister in law have this luxury but need to get over it.

Thanks again you have managed to stop me having a massive strop

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 30/09/2009 12:11

I don't blame you porca - for wanting a night out without him. Nothing wrong with that.

anniemac · 30/09/2009 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GoldenSnitch · 30/09/2009 12:31

You're completely entitled to want a night out, I know I do sometimes!

Maybe there is a way round it? Could your Mum perhaps babysit him at your house? You get him ready for bed and put him down and then leave your Mum in the house while you go out. As long as you're coming home the same night, he may not even realise you had gone and it might give your Mum and bit more confidence with him?

I know it stunts your night out a bit but something is better than nothing...

I did this with my Mum when she was nervous (promising she could call me and I'd be home at the first sign of trouble) and they were fine.

paisleyleaf · 30/09/2009 12:34

I tell you what though porcamiseria, it sounds as though you'll do quite well for babysitters once he's older. Your mum sounds willing enough when he's happy with it, and your DH's family are good with him.

2rebecca · 30/09/2009 12:59

Agree with goldensnitch. we didn't not go out when kids were young, we just got babysitters, who were usually sensible teenage kids of friends of ours. The kids always liked the babysitters when they were of an age to have likes and dislikes.

diddl · 30/09/2009 13:07

Of course you´re not selfish to want a night out-but is it possible to have one that doesn´t need a sleepover?

Or ask your MIL to babysit for a couple of hours?

Or if your husband isn´t invited to the party, he can babysit, of course!!

crokky · 30/09/2009 13:08

I wouldn't leave him with her in this situation. My DS was very familiar with my mum and very happy with her so I left him over night at her house a few days after his 2nd birthday. This was because I was staying overnight in hospital giving birth to DD so it was unavoidable for me to leave him. Anyway, my DS was scratching at the front door in the middle of the night looking for me - you don't want this for your DS - I'd give him more time.

In contrast, my DD is now 1.6 (DS is 3.6). Both would now happily stay overnight with my mum.

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