to ask to bring my 6m old baby to a no-children wedding abroad

(54 Posts)
pregnantpeppa Mon 28-Sep-09 21:54:27

I will have a 6m old baby at our friends' wedding in Spain next year. I also have a DD who will be 3.5 then - I am not keen on going away without DD1 but would not like to miss my friends' wedding, so would go for 2 nights and leave her with grandparents (only ever left her for one night so far).

However, our childless friends have said no children at all. I have explained my 6 month old baby is highly likely to be breastfeeding and not properly weaned (I bf my DD at night until 16m and was not able to leave my DD over night until she was 20 months as she didn't sleep through until then and was an absolute nightmare to settle). Whilst I was good at expressing first time round my DD only drunk tiny amounts from bottles and so there's no way I would have left her at 6m.

My friend suggested that we see how it goes at the time, but they would prefer that we did not bring the baby because they have said no children to others, and don't think its a suitable wedding for children. I have said that I will obviously take the baby out of the ceremony if it cries & will probably take it back to the hotel after the meal and not stay for the evening. Friends not very keen but said play it by ear. I don't think we can play it by ear - we will need to book flights, book the hotel & make arrangements for childcare - all in a peak time so need to do in advance so not hugely expensive. We will be short of money as I'll be on maternity leave and because it won't be our family holiday as can't bring DD1, will want to make it as cheap as possible if we can go at all.

I'm just not going to know if its possible to leave baby until almost immediately before the actual time IYSWIM unless something goes wrong with bf and I end up bottle feeding early on and have one of these babies who sleeps through before 6 months (I can but dream). I think I will just have to say we cannot come as we can only come if we can definitely plan to bring the baby. AIBU? Are our friends being unreasonable? Actually don't really care if anyone is being unreasonable, their wedding, my baby (sorry I know that's the point of the topic!) but am trying to decide what to do!

blowninonabreeze Mon 28-Sep-09 21:58:11

They sound fairly firmly against it (are they childless?) I think you can ask ONCE for a young baby at a wedding and if that request isn't met with the response "Of course - we wouldn't dream of you leaving her behind" Then you can't ask again.

I'd decline becuase there's no way I could leave my 6 month old either. Breast fed or not.

bibbitybobbityhat Mon 28-Sep-09 21:59:44

Don't go.

fruitstick Mon 28-Sep-09 22:00:52

I would tell them you can't go. If you have asked and they are still being cagey they obviously REALLY don't want children there.

It's their wedding and their choice, but it is also your choice to not leave your 6 month old behind.

We recently went to a wedding and left DS2 behind at 7 months. We were gone 24 hours and he didn't drink more than an ounce of milk the whole time. He had lots of watery foods and I gave him a good feed when I returned but couldn't have left him for any longer.

If it is more important to them to have no children than to have you present (which is sounds like it is hmm) then make your apologies and spend your money on a great family holiday instead.

Stigaloid Mon 28-Sep-09 22:00:59

Your friends have made it clear that they don't want children there YABU to keep asking when they have said no. You either leave your baby behind or decline the invitation. It sucks - i know - am in exactly the same situation with a wedding this weekend and heartbroken to not be going, but it is the bride and groom's desire to not have kids there and you have to respect that, no matter how much you wish to see them wed.

(hugs)

ThePinkOne Mon 28-Sep-09 22:01:11

Can you decline the wedding but make it your family holiday to go and visit them? (That's assuming they live in Spain?)

I certainly wouldn't leave my 6m old to go away for a couple of days but would be gutted to miss friend's wedding. But it's thier choice to have it child-free and if this excludes some of thier friends then it's thier decision.

rookiemater Mon 28-Sep-09 22:01:17

How good a friend is she as tbh I'd be tempted not to bother.

She has chosen to have her wedding abroad, good for her hope she has a nice day. She has also chosen to have a child free wedding, again her choice so good for her.

However from your post she sounds like a selfish bridezilla and from the responses she has given it sounds very much like she definitely does not want children there. If I were you I would take the hint and go on holiday somewhere nice where you can bring both your children, congrats on your pregnancy by the way.

piscesmoon Mon 28-Sep-09 22:01:33

I would just say that it is impossible; you can only go if you take the baby. If you are spending all that money I would combine it with a holiday and take both DCs. If friends want to have weddings that are expensive and inconvenient, they have to allow for the fact that they may get very few guests. You don't have to be difficult, or say they are unreasonable-just politely decline.

blonde36er Mon 28-Sep-09 22:02:21

I don't think your friends ABU saying no children (like you say, their wedding!) but equally I don't think YABU to ask if you can take the baby with you (again, like you say, it's your baby!)

I think that declining the invite would be your best option. Are they having a party over here afterwards for those who can't go abroad with them which you could attend instead? smile

pregnantpeppa Mon 28-Sep-09 22:02:45

Blowinthebreeze you've hit the nail on the head! Yes they are childless, and you are quite right, with that response they don't want my baby there and so I should not go & not ask again. Oh dear, how sad, they were very good friends once but I don't think they will be again or not until they have children. It is their prerogative of course, but I will find it hard to be friendly with them after this. There have been other incidents of them not inviting us to things mainly I think because we have children without us having a chance to say whether or not we can get childcare sad

Lulumama Mon 28-Sep-09 22:03:28

YANBU to ask, but YABU to expect them to change their minds. i would be loathe to leave a 6 months old esp.if breastfeeding , sounds like it is going to be v stressful , expensive and difficult, i'm sure they will understand your reasons

greensnail Mon 28-Sep-09 22:03:50

I wouldn't go. DD is bf but will take ebm from a bottle, and was sleeping through before 6 months, but I still wouldn't have been able to leave her at that age.

SardineQueen Mon 28-Sep-09 22:05:30

I'm afraid I would say simply decline the invitation as well. I have done it myself when I have had a BF baby. Sometimes people without children don't understand about BF, but you have explained and asked and I think they have been pretty clear.

Sorry sad

elliott Mon 28-Sep-09 22:05:49

Do they live in spain or are they just going out there to get married?
I don't think you should go and I'm surprised they really expect you to tbh.

rookiemater Mon 28-Sep-09 22:07:48

Don't let it spoil the friendship pp though. I don't think anyone truly knows what its like to have DCs until you have them yourself and weddings do bring out the worst in people.

Plus at least she was honest. She said she wanted a child free wedding, you wanted to bring your DC for good reasons, but she said No.

Ok its a tad mean spirited on her part and I do find these child free weddings somewhat weird but it is her perogative and doesn't make her an awful person.

Unless you spill on all the other things they haven't invited you to grin

where is the wedding? is it somewhere you would/could go on a family holiday?

maybe you could all go on a family holiday and your dh could look after the dc while you go to the wedding.....would that be an option?

dontunderstandtickets Mon 28-Sep-09 22:09:11

You have to respect her wishes. I didn't want any children (particularly noisy babies) at my wedding, because I was childless and tbh screaming kids got on my nerves. Now I have 2 children and love it when I get invited to "no kids" weddings (as screaming children still get on my nerves - particuarly my children!) Why not visit her later in the year when you can take both your DCs with you?

SardineQueen Mon 28-Sep-09 22:09:30

Agree with rookie don't fester over it, take it on the chin and proceed with a smile

thelennox Mon 28-Sep-09 22:09:49

Our best friends were married in Greece, when our dd was only 6 months all. It was out of season so flights were horrendously expensive, and while children weren't banned our 2 would have been the only ones! Worse, it was humanist and my hubbie was the minister!! In the end, he went, and I stayed at home with the kids, cause at the end of the day, leaving a six month old baby is bad enough during the day when you have to go back to work, let alone for a few days. I still bring it up in arguments though!! grin Remember that time you went to Greece without me?!?

Ambi Mon 28-Sep-09 22:10:46

I would decline as well, they will understand as they've set the rules. We wed abroad, it's a tall order to ask guests to travel that far in the first place, so in the brides position I'd have been more accommodating to a guest with a baby (although we only had close family as we married on the other side of the world - that would have been a VERY big ask.)

Danthe4th Mon 28-Sep-09 22:11:42

Why not ask if they could organise a creche or nanny for the day

pregnantpeppa Mon 28-Sep-09 22:15:17

Thanks for all the replies! Fairly unanimous! I think I might have been a bit thick skinned - clearly they are saying the baby isn't welcome and I shouldn't push it.

They live here but going out to Spain for wedding. Not sure if any party is planned - I don't think so.

Oh well, we will book fantastic holiday for us all as a new family of four to cheer me up! Gutted that friends not welcoming baby and also missing out on seeing lots of our old friends get together so would have been lovely break even though would have missed DD1!

Other things not invited to were a weekend away in a house in Scotland - we could have found childare but were not asked. Also discussion of ski-ing holiday next year where they made it clear we should find childcare - it was a group planned thing so I felt that it wasn't really their decision to decide if kids could come or not (no-one else had objections) but didn't say a word as knew I would be pregnant. I honestly have never imposed my children on them, just feel they are one of those couples that think children = no fun and its just one of those friendships which falls away as a result.

DH & I are good friends with them both so wouldn't really be an option for one of us to go & the other stay behind with the kids.

SardineQueen Mon 28-Sep-09 22:19:27

I was going to say wait to book hol until you have declined wedding - as sometimes people change their tune when they realise that you really mean it when you say you can't leave BF baby.

But seeing all those other things it's fairly clear - yes decline and have a fabbo holiday as a family instead smile

Ambi Mon 28-Sep-09 22:20:41

It will come around to them PP one day, enjoy your growing family. smile

PP its not worth loosing a friendship, maybe you could go out for a meal with the happy couple before the wedding

its not that they don't like you/your dc they just want their wedding their way, don't take it personally

...plus you can always gently remind her of these things when she does have dc ....... wink

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