to ask to bring my 6m old baby to a no-children wedding abroad

(54 Posts)
pregnantpeppa Mon 28-Sep-09 21:54:27

I will have a 6m old baby at our friends' wedding in Spain next year. I also have a DD who will be 3.5 then - I am not keen on going away without DD1 but would not like to miss my friends' wedding, so would go for 2 nights and leave her with grandparents (only ever left her for one night so far).

However, our childless friends have said no children at all. I have explained my 6 month old baby is highly likely to be breastfeeding and not properly weaned (I bf my DD at night until 16m and was not able to leave my DD over night until she was 20 months as she didn't sleep through until then and was an absolute nightmare to settle). Whilst I was good at expressing first time round my DD only drunk tiny amounts from bottles and so there's no way I would have left her at 6m.

My friend suggested that we see how it goes at the time, but they would prefer that we did not bring the baby because they have said no children to others, and don't think its a suitable wedding for children. I have said that I will obviously take the baby out of the ceremony if it cries & will probably take it back to the hotel after the meal and not stay for the evening. Friends not very keen but said play it by ear. I don't think we can play it by ear - we will need to book flights, book the hotel & make arrangements for childcare - all in a peak time so need to do in advance so not hugely expensive. We will be short of money as I'll be on maternity leave and because it won't be our family holiday as can't bring DD1, will want to make it as cheap as possible if we can go at all.

I'm just not going to know if its possible to leave baby until almost immediately before the actual time IYSWIM unless something goes wrong with bf and I end up bottle feeding early on and have one of these babies who sleeps through before 6 months (I can but dream). I think I will just have to say we cannot come as we can only come if we can definitely plan to bring the baby. AIBU? Are our friends being unreasonable? Actually don't really care if anyone is being unreasonable, their wedding, my baby (sorry I know that's the point of the topic!) but am trying to decide what to do!

blowninonabreeze Mon 28-Sep-09 21:58:11

They sound fairly firmly against it (are they childless?) I think you can ask ONCE for a young baby at a wedding and if that request isn't met with the response "Of course - we wouldn't dream of you leaving her behind" Then you can't ask again.

I'd decline becuase there's no way I could leave my 6 month old either. Breast fed or not.

bibbitybobbityhat Mon 28-Sep-09 21:59:44

Don't go.

fruitstick Mon 28-Sep-09 22:00:52

I would tell them you can't go. If you have asked and they are still being cagey they obviously REALLY don't want children there.

It's their wedding and their choice, but it is also your choice to not leave your 6 month old behind.

We recently went to a wedding and left DS2 behind at 7 months. We were gone 24 hours and he didn't drink more than an ounce of milk the whole time. He had lots of watery foods and I gave him a good feed when I returned but couldn't have left him for any longer.

If it is more important to them to have no children than to have you present (which is sounds like it is hmm) then make your apologies and spend your money on a great family holiday instead.

Stigaloid Mon 28-Sep-09 22:00:59

Your friends have made it clear that they don't want children there YABU to keep asking when they have said no. You either leave your baby behind or decline the invitation. It sucks - i know - am in exactly the same situation with a wedding this weekend and heartbroken to not be going, but it is the bride and groom's desire to not have kids there and you have to respect that, no matter how much you wish to see them wed.


ThePinkOne Mon 28-Sep-09 22:01:11

Can you decline the wedding but make it your family holiday to go and visit them? (That's assuming they live in Spain?)

I certainly wouldn't leave my 6m old to go away for a couple of days but would be gutted to miss friend's wedding. But it's thier choice to have it child-free and if this excludes some of thier friends then it's thier decision.

rookiemater Mon 28-Sep-09 22:01:17

How good a friend is she as tbh I'd be tempted not to bother.

She has chosen to have her wedding abroad, good for her hope she has a nice day. She has also chosen to have a child free wedding, again her choice so good for her.

However from your post she sounds like a selfish bridezilla and from the responses she has given it sounds very much like she definitely does not want children there. If I were you I would take the hint and go on holiday somewhere nice where you can bring both your children, congrats on your pregnancy by the way.

piscesmoon Mon 28-Sep-09 22:01:33

I would just say that it is impossible; you can only go if you take the baby. If you are spending all that money I would combine it with a holiday and take both DCs. If friends want to have weddings that are expensive and inconvenient, they have to allow for the fact that they may get very few guests. You don't have to be difficult, or say they are unreasonable-just politely decline.

blonde36er Mon 28-Sep-09 22:02:21

I don't think your friends ABU saying no children (like you say, their wedding!) but equally I don't think YABU to ask if you can take the baby with you (again, like you say, it's your baby!)

I think that declining the invite would be your best option. Are they having a party over here afterwards for those who can't go abroad with them which you could attend instead? smile

pregnantpeppa Mon 28-Sep-09 22:02:45

Blowinthebreeze you've hit the nail on the head! Yes they are childless, and you are quite right, with that response they don't want my baby there and so I should not go & not ask again. Oh dear, how sad, they were very good friends once but I don't think they will be again or not until they have children. It is their prerogative of course, but I will find it hard to be friendly with them after this. There have been other incidents of them not inviting us to things mainly I think because we have children without us having a chance to say whether or not we can get childcare sad

Lulumama Mon 28-Sep-09 22:03:28

YANBU to ask, but YABU to expect them to change their minds. i would be loathe to leave a 6 months old esp.if breastfeeding , sounds like it is going to be v stressful , expensive and difficult, i'm sure they will understand your reasons

greensnail Mon 28-Sep-09 22:03:50

I wouldn't go. DD is bf but will take ebm from a bottle, and was sleeping through before 6 months, but I still wouldn't have been able to leave her at that age.

SardineQueen Mon 28-Sep-09 22:05:30

I'm afraid I would say simply decline the invitation as well. I have done it myself when I have had a BF baby. Sometimes people without children don't understand about BF, but you have explained and asked and I think they have been pretty clear.

Sorry sad

elliott Mon 28-Sep-09 22:05:49

Do they live in spain or are they just going out there to get married?
I don't think you should go and I'm surprised they really expect you to tbh.

rookiemater Mon 28-Sep-09 22:07:48

Don't let it spoil the friendship pp though. I don't think anyone truly knows what its like to have DCs until you have them yourself and weddings do bring out the worst in people.

Plus at least she was honest. She said she wanted a child free wedding, you wanted to bring your DC for good reasons, but she said No.

Ok its a tad mean spirited on her part and I do find these child free weddings somewhat weird but it is her perogative and doesn't make her an awful person.

Unless you spill on all the other things they haven't invited you to grin

where is the wedding? is it somewhere you would/could go on a family holiday?

maybe you could all go on a family holiday and your dh could look after the dc while you go to the wedding.....would that be an option?

dontunderstandtickets Mon 28-Sep-09 22:09:11

You have to respect her wishes. I didn't want any children (particularly noisy babies) at my wedding, because I was childless and tbh screaming kids got on my nerves. Now I have 2 children and love it when I get invited to "no kids" weddings (as screaming children still get on my nerves - particuarly my children!) Why not visit her later in the year when you can take both your DCs with you?

SardineQueen Mon 28-Sep-09 22:09:30

Agree with rookie don't fester over it, take it on the chin and proceed with a smile

thelennox Mon 28-Sep-09 22:09:49

Our best friends were married in Greece, when our dd was only 6 months all. It was out of season so flights were horrendously expensive, and while children weren't banned our 2 would have been the only ones! Worse, it was humanist and my hubbie was the minister!! In the end, he went, and I stayed at home with the kids, cause at the end of the day, leaving a six month old baby is bad enough during the day when you have to go back to work, let alone for a few days. I still bring it up in arguments though!! grin Remember that time you went to Greece without me?!?

Ambi Mon 28-Sep-09 22:10:46

I would decline as well, they will understand as they've set the rules. We wed abroad, it's a tall order to ask guests to travel that far in the first place, so in the brides position I'd have been more accommodating to a guest with a baby (although we only had close family as we married on the other side of the world - that would have been a VERY big ask.)

Danthe4th Mon 28-Sep-09 22:11:42

Why not ask if they could organise a creche or nanny for the day

pregnantpeppa Mon 28-Sep-09 22:15:17

Thanks for all the replies! Fairly unanimous! I think I might have been a bit thick skinned - clearly they are saying the baby isn't welcome and I shouldn't push it.

They live here but going out to Spain for wedding. Not sure if any party is planned - I don't think so.

Oh well, we will book fantastic holiday for us all as a new family of four to cheer me up! Gutted that friends not welcoming baby and also missing out on seeing lots of our old friends get together so would have been lovely break even though would have missed DD1!

Other things not invited to were a weekend away in a house in Scotland - we could have found childare but were not asked. Also discussion of ski-ing holiday next year where they made it clear we should find childcare - it was a group planned thing so I felt that it wasn't really their decision to decide if kids could come or not (no-one else had objections) but didn't say a word as knew I would be pregnant. I honestly have never imposed my children on them, just feel they are one of those couples that think children = no fun and its just one of those friendships which falls away as a result.

DH & I are good friends with them both so wouldn't really be an option for one of us to go & the other stay behind with the kids.

SardineQueen Mon 28-Sep-09 22:19:27

I was going to say wait to book hol until you have declined wedding - as sometimes people change their tune when they realise that you really mean it when you say you can't leave BF baby.

But seeing all those other things it's fairly clear - yes decline and have a fabbo holiday as a family instead smile

Ambi Mon 28-Sep-09 22:20:41

It will come around to them PP one day, enjoy your growing family. smile

PP its not worth loosing a friendship, maybe you could go out for a meal with the happy couple before the wedding

its not that they don't like you/your dc they just want their wedding their way, don't take it personally you can always gently remind her of these things when she does have dc ....... wink

fruitstick Mon 28-Sep-09 22:25:17

Peppa, we have had similar experiences with some of our friends. Things change when you have children and sometimes lives just drift apart a bit.

Either you will find new friends who enjoy your children or will come back to these if they have children themselves. By which time you'll be off arranging skiing holidays with your kids and their mates and you can cheerfully say that no tinies are allowed because your baby days are behind you grin.

LynetteScavo Mon 28-Sep-09 22:31:26

Your freinds are getting married abroad, and are saying no children.

You need to take the hint.

groundhogs Mon 28-Sep-09 22:34:46

No, TBH I think that 'friendship' is toast... All those invites pointedly stating no kids... and knowing that you will have a teeny tiny one and still being adamant???

Even if they do reconsider, and say OK you can bring the baby, I'd still tell them you made other plans and have booked a holiday for your family, cos they are the most important people in the world.

F$%& em!

splodge2001 Mon 28-Sep-09 22:38:28

tell her to go f**k herself. It's ridiculous to expect you to leave such a tiny baby behind. Maybe she wont realise til she has her own. Then ask her to a 'do' and say she can't bring her baby.

curiositykilled Mon 28-Sep-09 22:42:24

I wouldn't go. Too much trouble and expense for you personally and it sounds like they would rather you didn't go than brought the baby so why spend the money?

fluffles Mon 28-Sep-09 22:48:50

if you really want to go, you could all four go out and then you could leave the kids with DP/DH for a few hours while you go to the wedding but the rest of the week take it as a family holiday.

i certainly don't think you can plan now to fly out there without the baby...

crankytwanky Mon 28-Sep-09 22:53:13

Don't go. There will be other weddings, but this time with your child can never be repeated. Spend the money on your family holiday, and go out to dinner with your friend and new hubby when they get

colditz Mon 28-Sep-09 22:59:46

Don't push it. They've made it as clear as they politely can that they do not want your baby to be at their wedding, to keep insisting all will be fine is rude.

Mumup Mon 28-Sep-09 23:00:38

These people really aren't your friends anymore. Seriously, it's just not how good friends treat each other. In effect, they're saying, "We dislike your children to the point that we'd rather not have you at our wedding." Or our skiing holiday. Or our weekend in Scotland.

That's actually a pretty nasty thing to say.

Squiglet Mon 28-Sep-09 23:03:35

I missed my brothers wedding as now children invited and my baby was welcome, just not my other son. Wasnt prepared to take one without the other.

Their wedding so their rules. Personally i would send them a lovely present and wish them a lovely day. Use the money saved for a treat for you and your kids.

Also it irks me when people presume once baby hits 6 months they'll be finished on breast, good for you with your dd1 to 16 months. I have found that i'm feeding ds2 much longer than ds1. ds1 was 12 months and ds2 still going strong at 21 months...

colditz Mon 28-Sep-09 23:04:13

And I LOVE child free weddings. Screaming children are an imposition on anyone who doesn't truly love them.

Squiglet Mon 28-Sep-09 23:05:30

peppa - do they have any kids of their own? just read rest of thread and it sounds like they have not a clue and arent true friends either. ignorant fecks more like

Gemzooks Mon 28-Sep-09 23:06:28

Don't go, just wait. They will understand one day when they have kids!

jellybeans Mon 28-Sep-09 23:07:15

I wouldn't go, it's only a wedding, not worth leaving your 6 month old in another country for!! well, that is how I would feel anyway.

colditz Mon 28-Sep-09 23:08:16

I think the people saying your friends dislike your children are just plain WRONG.

I think your friends have a different idea of what a wedding should be. To them it is an adult party (and to me too). To you it is a family occasion. However, it's not YOUR wedding, it's theirs. they get to say what sort of party they are having.

If I organised a birthday party for myself, and someone kepts asking if they could bring a baby, the answer would be a loud, resounding NO. NO babies at my parties. NO babies in my child free time (and before I had kids, I classed ALL my time as child free time). NO babies at a party I have tried to make special for adults. I have had ENOUGH to do, I'm planning on getting drunk and raucous, I don't want to risk tripping over and injuring someone's child! Same would apply to my wedding.

Mumup Mon 28-Sep-09 23:28:17

I think cutting your friends out of special events because they have a baby is just plain WRONG. But then I'd never do it to my friends.

thumbwitch Mon 28-Sep-09 23:29:25

to be honest? I wouldn't go. If it was in the same country, I would consider it - but as it isn't, no.

I had a no-children wedding but allowed bf'ing babies because I think it's unreasonable to interfere with that situation; and in the end one couple couldn't make it anyway because their baby wasn't well that day and they didn't want to leave him or take him out anywhere - imagine if you have booked everything and your baby is suddenly unwell, you aren't going to go anywhere without her, whether you have "resolved" the bf'ing or not. (well, I wouldn't anyway - I shouldn't project my feelings onto you however.blush)

Seems to me that you are the one that is making huge compromises to stay friends with people who want you to stay single and childless!

Weddings are supposed to be joyous occasions with lots of children and drunk people dancing badly. grin

CuntWhacker Mon 28-Sep-09 23:35:56

I wouldnt go. I dont think they'll want your baby there. And unless you would be happy leaving her with a foreign nanny for the day then its not worth going.

pigletmania Mon 28-Sep-09 23:46:59

YANBU I just would not go, there is just no compromise on their part and there is no way you can leave a 6 month baby. Thought that weddings were meant to be family eventsshock

elkiedee Mon 28-Sep-09 23:53:20

YANBU, but it doesn't sound like a good idea to try and go. I'd let them know that you can't make it now, that you're disappointed etc but just don't think it's going to work.

colditz Mon 28-Sep-09 23:58:14

Mumup, I would never cut my friends out of special events. I's cut their children out. Not the same thing at all.

pinkfizzle Tue 29-Sep-09 00:05:16

I think you have to decline - you can't really choose to leave a 6 month baby behind. Also even if you took your baby it would just seem stressful. They probably have no idea.

YANBU and it sounds like you have hinted but they are adament.

See them one night for dinner instead.

mrsjammi Tue 29-Sep-09 00:10:49

either dont go or use my solution for child free weddings (have 3 next year)

we are all going to stay in the hotel where ever it is, but depending of whether mine or DHs mates, one of us is going to stay in room/park/pool with the baby and toddler while the other goes to the wedding, so they will not come within sight of the wedding party at all, not even for breakfast, then we are going to swap just for an hour, so we both get to see our friends

mrsjammi Tue 29-Sep-09 00:12:32

other than my niece and nephew and my own, i didnt have kids at my wedding

a) didnt want them
b) they would have outnumber the adults
c) couldnt afford to have all my friends kids there
d) would have had to have a much larger, pricier venue to have them

primigravida Tue 29-Sep-09 00:37:29

It's sad when people don't want to have babies at their weddings. I loved having my niece (two) and god-daughter (three) at mine and would have loved my other niece and nephew to have been able to make it. I sometimes wish that I got married after having children so my dc could have been at my wedding.

But we're all different - whatever you do don't try getting a local babysitter at the wedding as if your baby is anything like mine, you'll end up going to and fro all evening and spending a fortune and not having much fun.

Good luck with the new baby and sounds like your friends are really missing out by excluding people on the basis that they have babies.

diddl Tue 29-Sep-09 07:43:51

YABU to keep on at her about it.

She doesn´t want children there-why would she
make an exception for you?

Why don´t some people get that there are couples who want a child free day?

I did allow babies/children, on the proviso that the parents would please take them outside if they started to fuss.

I wanted to be able to say my vows/enjoy my meal without hearing babies/children crying/shouting.

Does that make me horrible/selfish?

fruitshootsandleaves Tue 29-Sep-09 07:46:49

I wouldn't go at all. Thems the breaks when you have dcs!

Just be straight with her - explain what you've told us - that playing it by ear is impossible because of flight bookings etc. Say you think she'd rather you didn't come if the baby's part of the package, so for that reason you're saying no.

That way, she's clear you're only not coming because of the baby thing, and the ball's in her court to change her mind. Which she may well not, but there you go.

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