to expect DP not to spend the rent money on beer?

[LissyGlitter]

We have been living with ILs while we get ourselves sorted out with a new house for the past month. DP works full time and I stay at home looking after DD and being pregnant. I also have been signed off work due to mental health problems. I have been saving up my benefits for the past month, although i have been paying all the bills (£500 for the final gas/leccy bill from our old house, various costs for getting straight with the old internet company, storage costs etc), I thought this was on the understanding that DP was also saving his wages for the rent on our new house.
We signed for our new house last week, and as FIL was kindly lending us the deposit, he also stuck the first months rent on his card so we could pay him back. Today I asked DP for the money to pay his dad back. The rent is £525. He said he could probably manage to give me £80, and maybe another £180 tomorrow when he gets paid. When I questioned this (hissing quietly as FIL was in the next room) he said he thought the tax credits (which go into my account) were enough to cover the rent and that I was paying the bills. How on earth he expects me to pay the bills and feed all of us on Child Benefit and £180 a month DLA I have no idea!
When I said I would deal with the bills I meant using the tax credits, which I see as my "wage" for looking after DD and running the house. Generally we pretty much share money, eg when out shopping whoever happens to have their card handy pays. I tend to deal with the bill as I am at home all day to be on hold with the bills companies (in our last house I'm pretty sure he didn't even know how much our bills were!)

what gets me is that DP has been out at work nearly every day for the past month, so he has somehow managed to spend all that money without having anything to show for it. His ONLY cost is £15 a week for a bus pass and maybe lunch the odd time he forgets to take a packed one. Am I going to have to take his wage off him and give him spends? yet every time I buy anything he doesn't see as "essential" (recent examples have included a toilet training seat for DD and a dress for me from primark as I only had one dress my bump would fit into and it was too hot for jeans) I get a lecture off him about how we have to tighten our belts and not go spending on frivolous things.

I'm pretty sure the money has gone on beer due to his habit of taking up to two hours to make the fifteen minute journey home from work or saying he is nipping to the shop for milk and a paper and staying out all evening.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

Bloody hell. I think that looking at the finances again is a good idea.

Selfish sod.

Why not open an account, into which he pays £X per month and is used for household stuff, whatever is left is his.

tbh, his and hers money isn't something I really understand. I think (and this is just my opinion, not a criticism!!!) that the one-pot way is best. Everything from all sources into one pot, all expenditure out of the one pot and a bit of spending money if finances allow. It just seems, to me, more like a unit, iyswim.

[missingtheaction]

You are kidding - this is OUTRAGEOUS. he is taking the p*. 'he could probably manage to give me £80?????'

He is an ADULT here with RESPONSIBILITIES but he is acting worse than my teenagers (and that's sayign something). He's also mean and selfish. Why are you married to him?

YANBU. Shop him to FIL. Do something dramatic. Don't 'enable his habit'. You are married - that's YOUR money he's drinking at the pub.

[missingtheaction]

I agree in principle Hecate but I hesitated to advise Lissy to give her t* dh access to what income she does have at the moment - he'd probably drink that too.

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

It could be an account to which he has no access, if he cannot control his spending. The amount goes out automatically, on payday, so he can't divert it.

[LissyGlitter]

Thing is, I feel really guilty as i don't work, and technically all my income is meant for all of us (even the DLA is the "care component" which to me means it is to compensate DP for having to look after me when I am ill) whereas he earns his income himself. So I feel like I am somehow obliged to justify my spending more than him IYSWIM.

[randomtask]

My DH is crap with money, not spending it on rubbish, just not knowing which bills he's paid and when.

We've now set up a joint bank account for house and family things. Once DH is earning (contract starts September) there will be a standing order from both our accounts into it to go every month. Then he knows how much he has left.

However, your DP is crap and needs a talking to. Why the hell would he think he can work full time (thus earn more money) and only pay for his travel? Why would your SAHM money pay for bills?!

Tell your FIL that you can give him X that you have saved up (I'm sure he'll appreciate that) and that his son will pay him the rest back out of his wages. If he questions it, explain you've paid the bills and sadly don't have any money spare. Hopefully then he'll tell his son to grow up and be a man.

[LissyGlitter]

Right, I have sat down with a spreadsheet and worked out that if I ask DP for £100 a week (as he is claiming he gets £160 a week, which seems doubtful to me as he is full time, but this way i'm going with his lower estimate and can ask for more money when i sit him down and ask to see his wageslips, or get him to take on food buying responsibilities, although that could be asking for trouble) and only spend £40 a week on food, each of us will have equal spends of about £50-£60. That seems like more than enough to me. Mine will probably mainly go on extra food, nappies and suchlike, but I think that's at least a good start.

He reckons he is in line to get permanent full time work soon, at which point we will know for definite what his wage will be each week and I can ask for more food etc money.

Does that sound about right to you lot?

[LissyGlitter]

Hold on, there is NO WAY he only gets £160 a week. I am texting him now to see exactly what his weekly wage is. He's on just over minimum wage and usually on full time hours, sometimes slightly less, sometimes slightly more.

[LoveMyGirls]

What a lowlife.

I can't stand men that do this, spend money on beer in the pub instead of spending time with their famillies and using the money to have a better life.

not sure how you can get him to undertsand this though but I'm angry on your behalf.

[randomtask]

I'm sorry, but he's a total tosser and I'm getting angry thinking about it!

If he's earning that much, he can put all his money into the family. It's what you're doing.

His money doesn't go on him. He wanted a family, he wants to live/eat, he can pay as much as (and quite frankly should pay more than) you do.

Why the hell should you pay for nappies? Maybe you should put cheap leaky ones on the day he has your DC but I suspect he doesn't get that involved.

Any man who disappears in the evenings having gone to post a letter deserves his genitals cut off and waved in front of him.

How about, you pay for your food, your childrens food and eat it in front of him. Do your washing but not his. Let him sleeping in the flipping garden.

DO NOT!!!!! let him walk all over you and make reasons for him!!

Rant over [creeps off quietly but simmering on your behalf]....

[Tortington]

pool all your money - whatever the disposable income is split it.

this doesn't mean that you have to get a joint account

and disposable income isn't for nappies - its for chocolate and vodka.

[TotalChaos]

from what you describe he's behaving dreadfully. the £160 may not be far out though - as although RIMOD is basing it on 40 hours, he may not get paid lunch breaks (so down to 35 hours ish) and may be on a bit under £6.

[LissyGlitter]

OK, how much would you say would be a reasonable amount to say is spent on nappies a week? We use huggies little walkers on DD and change her about 5 or 6 times a day. Hopefully she will be potty trained soon, but then we have a new baby coming in November.

New baby will hopefully be in terries for the first year, and breastfed for as long as I can manage, which should mean that costs are kept to a minimum. Plus I suppose we will get more tax credits/child benefit, so we should be better off really, at least at first. And then eventually I will be able to maybe take on a part time job before going back to uni (assuming my health will take it-it doesn't do anyone any good if I'm in hospital) so this arrangement is only really temporary. ILs are retired so they will hopefully help out with childcare if needed, and if I work enough hours or go back to uni we can get money towards nursery/childminder.

I really am so grateful for what this country gives us, we would be buggered without state help!

[Tortington]

i dunno how many is in a pack -how much to they cost per pack?

its not a hard equation really

[LissyGlitter]

lol, if you put it like that...

To the tesco website!

[LoveMyGirls]

If money is tight I think huggies are a luxury tbh own brands are fine imo.

[RoseBlossoms]

He isnt a man he is a child.

Where are your family, friends? Do they think its ok you to be in this situation?

What are you a slave? You need to take a step back and really look at this man.

I,m nearly shaking which rage on your behalf, but then i think why would you stay with this man who has no respect for you or his family????

[LissyGlitter]

Right, I have decided on a "nappies etc" figure of £10 a week and a food figure of £50 a week. This makes our weekly outgoings around 268.75, so I will be asking him for £135 a week. At least that is my starting figure for negotiations.
I'm just hoping we work out how to use the aga-style cooker in our new house effectively so the bills don't end up silly. At the moment I have estimated them as slightly more than our old house, as that was a massive house with 5 adults, 2 kids and a tumble dryer, but a normal cooker. Hopefully having a smaller house, just two adults and 1 or 2 kids and not having to use the dryer as much due to having plenty of drying space (and no inconsiderate housemates!) will compensate for the running costs of the daft oven.

Sometimes I wish somebody would just sort out my bills for me and give me pocket money! I suppose that's what I'm going to have to do for DP. FGS, I'm meant to be the mentally unsound young and flighty one, he is ten years older than me and some kind of genius, something isn't right here!

[LissyGlitter]

Lovemygirls - I tend to buy my nappies from the local corner shop, so there isn't much of a selection. TBH I hadn't really questioned the price of nappies, but I am intending to shop online for bulky goods, at least while i'm pregnant (something that DP sees as an incredible luxury, but then he doesn't like me using the mainstream supermarkets anyway, he prefers me to wait for him to be available to go to the local market or the posher supermarkets as he wants to be more ethical. I kind of agree with him, but at the same time, apart from fruit and veg which I try and buy as local as possible (and which tend to be cheaper,nicer and served by much friendlier people), I don't really see how the extra messing about is worth it)

Anyway, my point is, if I shop online I will have access to supermarket own brands so I will try them and see if they are any good. I did try the wilkinsons value ones once and they were rubbish, but then they were ridiculously cheap.