I feel sure the school would have had to have rung the paper. They are [the paper] are notouriously lazy when it comes to reporting events. When I have been involved in fundraisers for ClicSargent and Teenager Cancer Trust or the local Hospice we have rung and rung them and they havent bothered to come.

I cannot believe they wouldve just turned up at the school (anyway security is very tight there).

Its another reason to be .

Thanks for your replies. I am feeling better (though not about what they have done). It knocked me back and when I feel like that its horrible, everything seems bleak.

I am going to write a letter regarding the concert, the lack of pastoral (is that the right word) support for my DD & DS during her illness and the lack of response to my letter last year. Its quite a good opportunity to get it sorted out. They have to shake up how they do things. They are bound to have another family with a very sick child at some point. I would hate to think of them going through the same.

I dont want the teacher involved to get a slapping. Its not that I would feel guilty or that I feel sorry for her, I just think her behaviour is indicative (sp) of the way the school is run generally.

I hope I can find my original letter to include. It was a corker [gring]

Thanks for all your support. It really helped. I mean that sincerely. It wouldve have been a lot harder without all you taking the time to seeth and curse on my behalf.

Ta.

I wouldn't. The reporter will have been sent to write a fairly straightforward piece about a school putting on a memorial. He or she will be oblivious to the school's bad behaviour. Let them know it's a "row" - and it would be potentially a bigger article, and a messier one. As it is, the article will be respectful, I'm quite sure.

But it's worth considering the reporter may well have been told about this by the school. Which is another point to make. The only other possibility is they saw the posters, I guess, or perhaps someone who works at the paper has a child there.

I'd go straight to the head of the governors here. You've given the headteacher a chance to behave like a human being, and she's fobbed you off with her PA. So she can next speak to her boss about it.

Can you take advantage of the fact that there was a journo there and get them to print the whole story...?

Definitely copy the letter to your MP. I am really shocked at the breathtakingly shite treatment you have had from the school. Make them pay.

been following this thread chegirl. I agree with writing to the Governors. Insensitve arses.

OMG this is horrendous. i feel compelled to ring up your ds school and give them a moutfhul on your behalf.

From beginnng to end this whole business is unbelievable! Who could possibly imagine that this would have been acceptable? So sorry you have been upset like this - and by people who should know better.

Well...what a bunch of tossers they all are...and that includes the reporter.

sorry i am headachey and can't think of anything helpful

good job you've got lots of other, saner people on your side eh?

My God, I can't believe how insensitive they are.

I like too much's idea though that may reopen everything up for you when you're trying to put it aside atm.

In your previous letter did you also write to the govenors as I thought that they had to do something about it as pickyvic says. When are they due to have their next ofstead that may also put pressure on them.

Agree with cornsilk was just about to say send a copy of the letter to the LEA. And velour tracksuits are v comfy (though only have 1) though have a Staffie (who is big and fat) Do I out rough you??

bless your patient kind heart chegirl. you have far more dignity and patience than those fuckwits ever deserve. i'd have been hurling abuse at that teacher, not listening to her excuses!!

I want you to give 'em hell, give the paper another story, your story of how shite they have been, esp that teacher not informing you beforehand (total at that!!!) and cc in everyone including your MP (heads really don't like that!) in your letter.

let us know how it goes will you? putting this thread on watch list now!

i would write to the the LEA, and copy it to the chair of governors and the head. i would also ask them for a copy of their complaints procedure - even if you dont use it it will give them the willies. a complaint from you wouldn't look too good for them and it seems for them its all about keeping up appearances.

you sound very eloquent so dont do yourself down and you have behaved with dignity and grace in the face of monumental fuckwittery.

let your DD will you on and let them have it both barrels. im sure your letter will be a good one and i would let them know exactly how you feel about everything - from start to finish. i think it would do you some good to get it out there and let them know how much hurt they have caused.

best of luck.

I'm really shocked that they've arranged this without consulting you! Its sweet that the other girls came up with the idea, but they should have by no means allowed it without running it past you. Its terrible. I'm annoyed and upset for you. Total unMN-like hugs.

Enjoy your shopping trip - retail therapy is always good. x

Chegirl send a letter to the LEA if the school don't answer you. Their arrogance is breathtaking. Hope you have a nice day shopping tomorrow.

Perhaps you could write to the Board of Governors, the LEA AND the Dept of Education - a one-size-fits-all letter, giving your experience as a training exercise in what NOT to do, and how do they all think this SHOULD have been handled and SHOULD BE handled by every school in future? Oh, and include OFSTED as well for good measure.

Full exposure and shame for the people who deserve it.

Dont worry too much bat DS3 is much bigger than small dog .

Thanks all. Feel very tired now. I am getting my hair done tommorow and may even buy a frock. That'll make it all better.

I am not that confident that I will get a reply to any letter I send. I am convinced that they deliberately stalled until the old school shut down so they didnt have to answer my last one.

chegirl, so for you that this just keeps getting worse. Hope you manage to get some catharsis from your letter-writing this weekend!
big unMNly (((hugs))) for you anyway (and at your DD flouncing off your phone!)

Chegirl at the way the school have behaved - both then and now

Good luck with the letter. I expect that you will take your time but keeping your cool and being polite will put them firmly in the wrong-make them squirm!

at multiple velour tracksuits. <anxious about poor ds3 under that small dog>

chegirl well done on holding it together I would have had no chance of being polite.

i work with families and cannot imagine doing anything about their children without involving them but this is on a whole other level.

I would fume and fume what inconsiderate unprofessional wankers.

Ps dont ask me to help with the letter I would just write a pure stream of filth

LOL at my poshness - I am as rough as a robber's dog in real life!

Ive got three velour tracksuits and a little dog that sits in DS3's pram <wracks brain for further proof of rougness as if any is needed>

That's good Che. YOu did indeed sound v posh when you gave us all the sad back story of the school's utter crapness.

They are bastards, you're right.

.

You really shouldn't be having to deal with this chegirl.

If I were you I would write to the local paper and tell them they do not have your permission to print a story, they are not to use your DD's name and if they do you will take legal action against them.

I can't believe the cheek of some people.

Thank for the offer onebat thats really kind.

TBH I like writing letters. I find them very cathartic. I am much better on paper. I sound a bit common when I talk but can be quite posh in a letter.

Also it was one of mine and DD's 'things'. When she knew I was pissed off about something or some issue was getting me het up she would say 'write one of your letters mum, go on you tell them'.

I can almost hear her saying it.

Oh FFS the bastards. Crap.

Try as I might, I just cannot find a way of understanding what has happened. I just dont get it?

I work with children and their families. I have done for most of my working life. I just cannot imagine a circumstance in which I would arrange an event in a child's name without consulting the parents.

In my line of work you dont do anything without talking to the parents. Even when you have child protection concerns (except if it puts the child in immediate danger) you have to talk to them.

I had a horrible IBS attack whilst out shopping today. I havnt had one for a while. Another reason to bloody hate that school!

And I have been very sweary this week and I am placing the blame squarely at their feet so NER!

DS said he saw someone taking photos and he asked the man who he was. He said he was from the local paper. DS said 'you have to phone my mum!' bless him. So have I got the article in the paper to look forward to now? FFS.

BUGGERBUGGERBUGGERFECKFECKFECK.

Che, this is just appalling. You've behaved with astonishing patience and dignity. And what a great ds you have.

If you do decide that you would like someone else to write the letter for you, would you think of letting one of us take it off your shoulders? eg. I've written a few official school complaint letters over the last year and I'd really like to help.

This is just getting worse and worse. It;s not an oversight if all the other parents knew, this school has deliberately sidelined you. It's outrageous behaviour.

That school sounds horrendous, any chance you could write all that happened down and send it to the Chairman of the Governors or are they equally as bad?

am speechless, totally utterly. What is the fucking matter with people, these people are teaching our kids, it's outrageous.

I think you and dd shared your own 'time' together today, with the pic going!

Maybe if you are going to write to school, you could get someone to help you do it, ease the load a tad?

Actually, i think i'd bypass the school, as they have bypasse you and write to someone who can kick more ass!!

I like the idea of your DD going off in a huff about this! keep smiling chegirl x

Good Lord Chegirl I am astonished at the crapness of the way you have been treated and the dignity with which you have handled it.

Lol at the disappearing photo.

I know DD is not pleased about the whole affair (please indulge me here). I have her picture as my wallpaper on my mobile. I picked it up to text DS good luck this pm (whilst the show was on) and her picture disappeared! Pfft! Its gone from my phone (Its a photo of a photo so I can re-take it). She never did like anyone upsetting her mum

Well done chegirl.

I agree that using your son as an intermediary isn't on. Apart from being inappropriate to include him in conversations he may know nothing about, didn't it occur to them that the day might stir up some feelings for him as well?

Hope you can do something nice this weekend and then return to the issue afresh in a few days.

I'm glad you didn't allow them to manipulate you into going along with this Chegirl.

You have been strong and dignified about it.

The way they have treated you, and your DS, is appalling and this week must have been very hard. Do please write that letter to the BOG.

Glad to hear that your DS is fine about the whole thing.

Thanks for the update and I'm glad you didn't go, you did the right thing.
they sound like a set of ignorant twats!

Update.

My friend txt me today to say she couldnt come. She is not one to pull out for no reason. Her face has swollen up from an insect bite so I know it must be pretty bad.

I made my mind up NOT to go. I felt like I was being forced into it to make it easy for everyone else. Not for DS, that was my choice to go for him. I couldnt face it on it my own. I would have felt so exposed.

DS has just got back. He was fine about me not going. He said it was ok, a bit chaotic but ok. I asked him if many parents had gone and he said loads. I said how come if they only found out Wednesday? He said it was only us who got an invitation yesterday, apparently they have had posters up and been selling tickets for ages!

He said the teacher who spoke to me yesterday told him that we had spoken and she had apologised. Now I may well BU but is that appropriate? Why involve him like that? That is what happened when I wrote the letter, a teacher told DS that he would call me when he had the time. I dont like them involving DS like that, its inappropriate IMO.

I am going to write a letter when I have calmed down. I dont want it to be an angry one. I want to be able to list everything calmly. I want to be able to put my feelings about how they treated DD to bed. I want it sorted and to move on. DS only has a year left and then I will be done with the school. DS2 wont go there as he will need a much smaller school (if he stays in mainstream).

Anyway, thanks for being supportive and helpful and outraged on my behalf.

I have just read this thread and am appalled by the lack of communication and sensitivity. I do hope it all goes well for you today.

Chegirl I am so angry for you. Have these people never come across the concept of empathy?

A girl at DD's school died the same year as your dd also of cancer. I never knew her as she was much older. The school have a rose garden in her memory. She should have been leaving this term. The school a few weeks ago had a special assembly to remember which they put together along with her parents and sister. They also had a none uniform day in aid of Teenage Cancer Trust. It made me so sad when I heard about it but it was obviously a bitter-sweet day for the parents and her sister. They read this poem at the assembly which I did not know.

Your story makes me sad and ANGRY. I hope it goes well today. I bet your DS will do you proud. I am sure the girls involved meant only to be kind but the head teacher should have had the compassion to think beyond the seemingly obvious.

Sending you an unmumsnet like hug.

Big hugs and thinking of you. Hope your son does well and that you get through it okay. x

Thinking of you today chegirl. I hope DS is brilliant and that seeing him proudly showing off his hard work makes up for the school's blunder.

Oh chegirl. You have dealt with this so very very brilliantly and I hope ds is wonderful tonight and gets something from it. I can't believe that the school were so utterly toe curlingly fuckwitted and insensitive in the first place and am in awe at how you handled them.

I bet your phone call to that teacher will change her approach forever by ratchetting up her empathy and sensitivity levels a few thousand notches. Which was sorely needed by the sound of things.

Good luck for tonight.

Will be thinking of you today and hoping it all goes easily for you today

I am so shocked at the schools attitiude

Am completely dumbfounded by this. Can't believe that it wouldn't even occur to the adults involved. How thick would you have to be?

Well done for being assertive.

So very sorry for your loss.

Argh, I missed the middle page - good for you for being so firm about it, and I hope the event itself is okay.

My God, I don't have the words to convey how sorry I am about this. I've admired your dignity and courage on quite a few posts here, and the insensitivity the school are showing is extraordinary. The girls are not really to blame, they're too young to grasp that you might be distressed by it rather than pleased, but the school have absolutely no right to have planned any such thing without asking you and your DH very early in the planning stages, in a sensitive manner that allowed you to say "no". To do this is crass in the extreme.

I so, so hope it's resolved for you soon and effectively.

Oh well done chegirl, they have behaved appallingly and you did really well to get that across to them.
I hope your DS wins btw, x

good luck for tomorrow and well done for stating your case so clearly

you are right not to blame the girls, this is down to the school

chegirl...

I think you did well but I think the school's response was atrocious

I feel for you all.. it must be really hard for ds as well.. he has had a lot to cope with in his short life. He deserves to have moments of his own too.

Tomorrow will be hard for you all.. I will be thinking of you

stay strong .. you know where to find me if you need a gab

Until I read your latest chegirl I was thinking it must have been a lost letter or missed phone call from the school. Cannot believe they didn't inform you. I am a primary teacher and have never worked anywhere that would treat people like that during an illness or following the loss of a child. You are right to support your DS though as it will probably be hard for him to hear his sister's name too. Deep breaths good luck xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Agree with those who have suggested you should write to the chairman/woman of the governors about all the issues with your DD. The response of the teaching body has been appalling - the governors need to know before another family is mistreatd in the same sort of way.

Hope the concert is not too difficult for you. I'm sure your DS will appreciate your support.

Well done for sticking to your guns

Hope you are OK Che. Thinking of you..

Excellent. so glad you made your feelings clear and i hope she did feel bad because it was very bad behaviour on their part and they should have acknowledged it.

(i re read my post - i sounded like 'nan' off the catherine tate show didnt i....i was just incensed that they could be so stupid!)

hope the concert isnt too painful for you, i think youve been very gracious with them. really hope they raise lots now theyve gone ahead and done it anyway.

(id like to offer virtual Hugs....and i hope that on a thread like this it might be allowed and i dont get chased off MN!)

vic

Good on you chegirl - you put it far, far, far more politely than I would have done. Hugs to you (!!).

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the support and the understanding I received here. Honestly - it means such a lot. I know its all a bit un-mumsnetty to say so!

I like the sweary posts too they made me laugh out loud at work this morning as I was gearing up to ring the school. 'Fucking Liberty' <snort>

Well I did phone. I asked to speak to the head (fat chance)got put through to his PA who appeared a bit 'meh' about the whole thing. I was very assertive though. I got a call back later from the teacher involved in the planning of the event. I didnt like her use of language much. Its hard to explain but it seemed designed to not so much intimidate me but it was jargony and peppered with phrases intended to 'manage' difficult people. I was very polite but clear.

She explained how the concert had come about i.e. DD's friends had written to the school reminding them of DD's anniversary coming up (her anniversary was in April btw). Then she went on to say how keen DD was to raise money for charity (she didnt know DD) and how teenage cancer trust was relevant and important (no disagreement there). But this didnt explain why no adult, at no time had bothered to contact us. I thought it had been a communication slip up but it wasnt. It simply NEVER occoured to her or any other adult to call us.

She DID apologise and after about 5 minutes admited that there was no excuse (she had been trying to for a while). She said it was wrong of her not to call us and she thought in hindsight it was a bit insensitive. I told her in hindsight insensitive was a massive understatement and whilst I appreicated her apology I STILL had to deal with the concert, there was no time to arrange childcare and my hus band or other friends and family had not been given the chance to attend.

I wasnt horrible but I didnt give in. I always back down with 'dont worry, I am sure you didnt mean it' type of thing. I couldnt bring myself to do it this time. I wasnt trying to make her suffer but I didnt want to let the school off the hook either. I understand that no malice was intended but I cant see how that makes much of a difference to the outcome tbh.

I dont blame the girls at all. They were good friends of DD. I doubt it wouldve crossed their minds that anything like this was going to happen.

I asked her 'if you were holding an event to raise money for a sick pupil, would you do it without the knowledge of the family?' She said of course not. So why is it ok in this case?

I will go. I want to see DS. I will take my friend and we will sit at the back and come and go quietly. Its at 3.30 so I can nip home without worrying about DS getting home if I have to.

I hope they raise lots of money for TCT (though I am not sure how because I dont think they are charging). I hope the kids all have a really good time too.

thanks again. I feel strengthened by all your support (another unMNs thing. Better watch out for the hug police!).

YANBU
You are her mother FGS and to sideline you like this is just ,well, arrogant and insensitive beyond belief .have you got a friend or eelative who can talk to the school about this , I don't think you should have to do it yourself.

I haven't read all the posts yet, but I agree with ItsAllABitNoisy - if you can bear to, tell the school that they do not have your permission to hold the concert in memory of your DD.

YANBU at all, and I am so sorry for your loss chegirl. I have read quite a few of your posts on MN and you write so movingly and intelligently about all your DCs - I find you quite an inspiration (hope I'm allowed to say that on here).

x

sorry I'm so cross for you Im not making sense.

About the programs - I meant to suggest that having a tribute written on the program might be okay for you, but hearing her name mentioned aloud might not be. You can easily ignore a program, but I know the pressure of that moment when a lost loved one's name is mentioned, especially in a public place where people will be looking to see your reaction. It's enough to make a person faint. Why on earth haven't they considered that?

oh chegirl.. you are soo right to be upset.

I cant add much more than whats been said on here...

Of course you want to remember your dd but you decide how, where etc.. it not for others to decide

I think its probably been done with the best intention but the school need to address this for you NOW

appalling. you must put it all in writing, maybe get your nice friend to help you, and send it to the head teacher as well as the governors.

chegirl I think that absolutely stinks. The girls who organised were probably doing so with the best intentions, however it should have had better guidance, i.e. someone to explain that, however well meant, you would need to be consulted and have the concert approved. Your daughter's memory is NOT school property.

If it wasn't for your DS taking part, it would be a straightforward "don't go." However I know that you want to show your support for him and his efforts.

I would demand time with those arranging the concert beforehand and ask to be told exactly what they mean to do by way of a tribute. Are they going to have photos of your DD? When and how are they going to mention her name? Make free to challenge anything that you're not happy with. Perhaps you might be happy with a footnote on the program mentioning that the concert is in memory of DD, but specify that you do not want her name to be mentioned or photo to be included. If they've already printed programs or made arrangements - TOUGH. They have been hugely presumptuous, it is their error, and they will have to sort it out.

I agree with others that if you do attend, you should have a quiet area in which to sit, either reserved seats at the back (although then you may attract more attention than you would otherwise), or better still, the school should allow you to have a couple of seats in the wings/lighting gallery if they have that sort of facility.

It must be so hard to deal with something that makes you feel angry, bereaved, overlooked... such a lot of emotions for one person to hold in such a public forum as a concert...

Is there anyone who can advocate for you?

That school sounds unbelievably crap - I can't believe they didn't reply to the letter you sent explaining why you had been upset with their overall response to your dd's illness.
Awful.

I can see why you feel you need to go, but it really is a dreadful situation - so sorry.

I am so sorry for your loss and agree with all the other posters. I wonder if you could find out from your son when exactly he will be "on". To then have two seats reserved at the back for you and your friend. Someone on the door to tell you when he is about to be on, so you can just slip in, watch him and go. and get someone to video it properly?

I am so sorry - this is such a torment for you.

I'm sorry chegirl, seems i was typing my post at the same time you were typing yours, so i didn't see it until this morning.

The others are right, the school has treated your family badly (understatement), and i for one would want to tell them to feck off by now.

I still don't think you should feel obliged to go. Insist that your DS gets the day off school and go for a day out together or something?

I really can't stand all the falseness that happens around times of grief (not implying anyone on this thread is being false btw, more thinking media, school 'friends' that weren't friends, IYSWIM), and the school involved is just unbelievably false IMO.

Chegirl - I'm so sorry you're being forced to deal with this, of course YANBU nor over the top!!

The school has behaved disgracefully from the beginning, so this doesn't suprise me. They really are completely clueless. What if your son hadn't said anything and you'd just turned up to a talent show, then found out it was being dedicated to your DD?

I can understand the girls thinking it would be a lovely idea, but I am suprised that even if they didn't think to ask you if it was ok, that they haven't called/emailed/written/sent courier pidgeon with a special invitation to attend.

The school, however, need dealing with. In no uncertain terms. When you feel up to it write a letter and send it to the school, the board etc. They need educating! I'm so angry on your behalf!!

Big Huge Hugs
Be brave for DS
x

YaNBU at all.

I can't add much to what has already been posted.

maybe as blinks suggests just pop in for ds's bit.. find out what time he is on.

this is dreadful treatmemt chegirl
I think this needs to go to the governors tbh, who ,ay well be mortified once they learn of the situation. and then to the lea if you have no joy with them. it is unacceptable to use your daughter's memory in this way with no consultation.

And if I haven't said it previously, I am very sorry for your loss.

Yes where I think the school has behaved disgradefully is in not saying to the two girls (who undoubtedly are well-meaning), look, this is a nice idea but you need to contact chegirl and ask her if it's OK with her.

i'm not surprised you don't want to go.

do you know when your DS's performing? could you pop in and out just to see his bit then leave your friend to bring him back?

very difficult. <sneaky hug>

Che, this is dreadful. I hope your friend can get time to go with you - perhaps you can go "incognito" as far as possible, i.e. sit at the back and be as little noticed as possible - at least that way you only have to worry about dealing with hearing your DD's name etc. and not about having other people watching you.

Your DS will understand that you don't want to be pointed out, won't he?

I can't believe the catalogue of wrongs that school has done you - it's truly disgusting. Have you complained to the BoG, or to some higher body? Maybe you feel it is too late now, but tbh, this latest lack of consideration would warrant a letter of complaint all by itself.

Have some unMNly ((((hugs))).

so sorry chegirl

agree with every poster here - course you should have been consulted. How awful for you to have it sprung on you at such short notice. Terrible pressure when you only wanted to go to support yr ds

Can completely understand and empathise with you not wanting to feel so exposed / on show at such raw time. Not the same I know, but some friends of my brother organised a tribute concert after he died. It was v soon after and I felt obliged to go. I appreciated the sentiment but really didn't want to be there. My mom also felt deeply uncomfortable - though my dad appeared to be much keener on it all

wishing you all the best

Appaling so sorry for you
Whether it was the girls or the school, either or both should have had the human decency to ask you

I am so shocked and saddened by how terribly the school have acted over the years, including this.

I would also contact them and explain how unacceptable and inappropriate this is, and it really is. I think the suggestion of a friend doing this for you is very good.

I hope this is sorted out swiftly and you and your son enjoy his performance.

I am on the BOG at our school & I have to say that we would be appalled at this type of behaviour.

There's no excuse for the way they ignored you & your beautiful dd.

JUst an example: my nephew had a bad accident a couple of weeks ago. Was in hospital for 2 weeks.. in that time his parents had a pgone call every day from the school principal, he posted them up cards, they had a mass said in his honour. DN has been home a week now, and despite the fact that it's the summer holidays, 2 teachers and the principal was out visiting him thise afternoon... that's what should have been happening when your daughter was ill.

I would have very mixed feelings re: a memorial/tribute event. Do you maybe think they are trying to make it up to you but going the wrong way about it? It seems very strange to me that they didn't ask for your consent to hold such an event.

How awful. Where is the Head in all of this? What does s\he have to say? Have you addressed the Head directly - asked to speak to them? This is so unreasonable on their part. Any 'memorial' should absolutely be done on your terms. And you don't want this to be it. Why should you?

The teenagers who organized this may be forgiven for being naive and emotional - teens often are. But the Head is behaving in an amazingly insensitive way. Can you email the Head?

Absolutely feel for you. It is taking energy you just don't need to waste on them. And seems perhaps it is shifting the focus away from what sounds like something your DS has really been looking forward to and turning it into something else?

You remember your DD all the time. You don't need a random set of people to pick a date or an event for that out of the blue.

(YA definitely NOT BU, btw)

It's not necessarily the school though is it? (They sound appalling btw and you owe them nothing!) You say the event has been arranged by two of your dd's friends? I expect they've just gone at it in the very simple mindset that youth gives you - they loved your dd and want to show that, you loved your dd and therefore will like them showing that too - end of debate. Real life and grief is much harder than that isn't it and that's something that, thankfully really, they just don't understand.

If your friend comes with you I hope you can just zone out for a bit and the afterwards I would write to the school and say thanks very much but never, ever again.

I am appalled at this school's complete lack of sensitivity. I can see why a couple of the girls might have wanted to arrange an event but for the school to let them go ahead without even suggesting that you should be consulted... The school sounds completely clueless about handling the psychological wellbeing of pupils.
I am so sorry for your loss and that you are having to deal with this dumbfuck behaviour.

what an absolute fucking liberty. so they couldnt be arsed to do the right thing when your DD was ill but now they can polish their halos and act like the concerned party?

no.

id make my feelings very well known. before the concert. cheeky bastards

and you have my sincere condolences for your loss. x

Chegirl, I dont know what to say. But especially in the light of how they treated your family during your dds illnes, it must feel a bit like they are taking the piss now? What is their agenda? Does it suddenly benefit them doing this?

I would call them and say they have not got your permission to use your dd in this manner. They can make a general fundraiser or cancer awareness event, but keep your dd out of it.

so sorry for you.

Thanks everyone. I am going to bed now. I think I will try and ring them tommorow if I get a quiet moment at work. I dont feel i can walk in unprepared. DS is a good lad and would try to understand but he has come second so much over the last few years. i dont think I can do it to him.

thanks again. Its been helpful to know I am not being over the top.

I'm sorry that you're being faced with this chegirl. x

I'm even more shocked and saddend for you after reading your latest comment, again I'm not sure what to say. I don't know how some people can be so heartless, particularly after you complained before. Surely they would have wanted to address your concerns and try to make amends. Its just too awful, I feel for your son who still has to go there x

I still think you should write to the head and include the govenors.

Hope everything goes OK for you on Friday.

This is just so bloody awful for you I don't know where to begin.

Could you explain all this to your DS, so he understands that really, you just can't go? I'm sure he would understand. It's way over and above the call of duty in the circumstances.

I would ring the school and tell them that the concert is not to be in memory of your DD, that you will attend as you want to see your DS, but your DD is not to mentioned. Perhaps your friend could ring for you?

Dreadful behaviour by the school.

My sincere sympathies to you.

YANBU in the slightest and my heart goes out to you.

I know their intentions were nothing but good but they absolutely should have spoken to you and your family first. It is such a sensitive situation and they've been rather clumsy. I agree that you shouldn't put yourself through anything you aren't comfortable with.

Someone should definately have contacted you, so YANBU.

Do explain why you are not going to your DS though, if you haven't already, and perhaps ask if it can be filmed so you can see his performance. Would that be a compromise to sitting through it?

If you wanted to appease the girls who organised the event you could email/send them a letter of appreciation so they don't feel too disappointed - though be aware they could put that on display too, so don't write anything you'd want kept private.

HTH.

Thank you for your replies.

The problem is that it is this Friday and my DS is in it. I dont care about the school or the girls who have arranged it but I know my DS wants me there .

The school (in its old incarnation) was awful when DD was ill. I got one ansaphone message when she was diagnosed then nothing for two years unless I called them. They didnt come and see her or send her any work at all despite numerous requests from the hospital home school teachers. They ignored my girl.

When she died they didnt contact us. On the day of her funeral they shut the school without asking us. I only found out the day before I was really worried about loads of kids turning up and engaging in competitive grieving. As it happens the kids that did come were well behaved but I was very distracted by it.

The next time I heard from them was when my DS broke a window in the last term at the old school. Within minutes they were on the phone leaving me a message telling me that they were worried about how angry he had seemed and they would be sending me a bill for the window. Nothing about trying to sort out his 'worrying' anger. I didnt object to paying for damage by my son (very very out of character btw even they said that} but I was very upset that they had ignored us for 3 years and suddenly they were right on the case.

I did write a letter and was very clear why I was so upset. NOT because DS and us were being called to account for his behaviour (really really). I put in everything that had upset me about their attitude towards the pastoral care of DD and DS. NOTHING. No reply. A teacher told my son they would talk to me when they had time but nothing happened. If I had received a letter like that from one of my service users I wouldve been on the phone like a shot.

It seems that not much has changed in this big,new, superschool.

I am going to have to go. My friend has offered to come with me. She is going to have to take time off work. She has always been there when I have needed her to.

But I just dont want the hassle of it or to have to get annoyed or upset.

What a terrible situation for you, I'm not sure what to say but wanted to comment as you hadn't had many replies.

It seems that the thought was there but is somewhat misguided. Obviously no-one could understand what your feelings would be, particularly if it were two teenagers who have arranged the concert. It would be have been tactful to have contacted you in advance and I'm surprised that the teachers at the school didn't question whether it would be acceptable to you.

I agree with humphrey cobbler - is there someone who could contact the school on your behalf to explain how you feel. You shouldn't have to be brave just for everyone else.

I too am so sorry x

Of course they should have asked you - YANBU at all. Am amzed they would be so thoughtless

Could you write (easier than talking) and explain that you would like to be asked about anything further to do done in your daughters name, and also ask what can be done to allow you to attend (if you want) without having to draw attention to yourself and asking that they explain exactly what they are going to be doing (so that nothing 'catches you out' iykwim)

Or saying you won't be attending on this occasion, if that's easier for you - do what YOU want to do, and make them arrange it round that, basically.

I can't believe they didn't ask you first! Of course you're not being unreasonable, and I'd get someone to contact the school and ask if maybe they could just have the contest without it being dedicated.

Gosh, i find it very odd that you haven't been told .

You are not ungratefull. Everybody would feel the same.

If you have to go can you take a good friend with you?

I'm sorry about your loss.

They absolutely should have cleared it with you first

Speak to the head and get the emphasis changed. Could they do it as a fundraiser instead for childhood cancer, but not mention your dd'd name?

Don't go, it sounds like it would be tremendously painful for you.

yanbu
they should have asked you first. It is a lovely idea but it sounds like it is way to raw for you.

I would prioritise YOUR feelings and stop worrying about other people.

Of course they should have asked you.

You should get someone you trust to deal with this for you, speak to the school and explain that you cannot attend.

I am so sorry

They should have asked you if it was OK. Could you email and tell them how you feel?

My DS1's school is having a talent contest on Friday. He has been talking about it for a few weeks and of course I had planned to go. He has missed out over the years as his sister's illness meant we had to miss a lot of school functions over the years.

On Monday he told me 'the talent contest is in memory of DD'. Its the first I have heard of it. Two girls who went to school with her have arranged it. I am confused because they are not pupils. The school is new, having merged DS's and DD's old school with another one and moving to a brand new site. The girls would be too old to have attended this school.

I have now recieved an invitation via DS. It states the contest is in tribute.

I am very upset that no one has asked me or OH if we are ok with this, if we wanted to be involved or if we felt comfortable coming at all. OH is working so I will have to go on my own with the DS2 and DS3. I want to support DS1 but I really dont want to go.

Its hard to sit and hear my DD's name over and over, to see photos or her name written on posters. To hear people talk about her. Its not that I dont appreciate people thinking about her and I want her to be remembered forever.

But I will have to sit there and be brave whilst people know who I am. It feels like so much pressure and I feel trapped into going.

Whenever we have done anything for DD I have been able to prepare myself, it takes a lot out of us. It can be very hard afterwards to 'come down'.

I actually find going to secondary school very hard anyway. The sight of all those beautiful, healthy, lively teenage girls can be really painful. I go to DS's parents evenings of course but I find them stressful.

I dont know what to do. I dont want to be ungreatful but I wished someone had phoned us.