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AIBU?

Etiquette of return party invitations

15 replies

cornflakegirl · 18/05/2009 12:58

I'm sticking this in AIBU, because my post in WWYD got me two (opposing) responses...

DS turns 4 shortly, and we?re organising his party. I?m not sure whether we should invite one little girl from his preschool. She invited him to her party a couple of months ago, and she seems lovely. However, when I asked DS whether he wanted to invite her, he said that she?s not his friend. Tbh, I hadn?t heard him mention her before the party invite, or since, and she?s not on the list of people that he plays with that preschool gave us (at our request).

I feel that we should invite this little girl, out of reciprocity (hers wasn?t a huge whole class party). I don?t think he?d be upset if we did invite her ? I don?t think he dislikes her. But I also feel that DS should be allowed to choose who to invite (am letting him invite one child who I?d prefer not to, and also leave out a couple that I thought he might want there). WWYD?

OP posts:

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ohdearwhatamess · 18/05/2009 13:04

I'd probably invite her, but wouldn't have done so if her party had been one of those huge 'all the preschool and everyone we know' affairs.

LadyMuck · 18/05/2009 13:06

I think that 4 is too young to have sole control over the decision of who to invite or not, but obviously you know you child best. That said I don't view that party invites should be strictly recipricated, but I don't think that your son's preference should be the sole determinant of the guest list at this age. Once he has been at school for a couple of years, then it is more about him and his friends, but at the age of 4 I think that it will be seen as your decision, and you will be judged accordingly.

I'm not sure that gives you an answer though. If I had to make this decision I guess I would be thinking about how many children I was inviting from the preschool, and how many I wasn't, whether she was the only child who wasn't invited having invited him, how likely they are to be in school together, how well I know the parents or siblings etc. All the usual stuff. I wouldn't expect a 4yo to be able to take all of those etiquette issues into account really.

peanutbutterkid · 18/05/2009 13:08

Since he doesn't mind her coming I'd probably invite her. If he actively didn't want her there, I wouldn't invite.

stealthsquiggle · 18/05/2009 13:19

Giving DS sole control of invite list could leave you with some really tricky dilemmas in years to come, IMHO. If it doesn't mess with your plans, and since he doesn't actively want her not to be there, I would invite her IIWY.

cornflakegirl · 18/05/2009 13:20

When we went through the list of friends from preschool, I think there were 3 or 4 (from about 12) that he wanted to invite. I think there are 30-40 in the preschool in total (DS only does mornings, so won't know all of them). The little girl is the only child from preschool (that we didn't know previously) who has invited him to a party, so it would be a 100% return / non-return ratio (depending on which way we go). I'm guessing there's a good chance they'll be at school together - DS has a place at the school the preschool is attached to, and I assume the girl does too. I don't know the girl's family at all, although her mum seemed really lovely at her party.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 18/05/2009 13:23

i would invite - its not as if he hates her

nothing wrong with letting 4yr chose some friends, but also good to add a few you know as well (or those who will be at school with him)

peanutbutterkid · 18/05/2009 13:25

The odds are that the little girl in question wouldn't even notice she wasn't invited this time, I get the impression that most children get invited to lots of parties, so they don't keep track, and their parents don't either.

However, some children don't get invited to many parties, and from the sound of it, cornflakegirl's DS is one of them; the little girl in question may be, too. My dc don't get invited to many parties, either, so I tend to recipricate since I appreciate the few invites they get.

TsarChasm · 18/05/2009 13:25

As ds doesn't mind either way and you seem to have a gut feeling that you'd like to invite her, I would go with the gut feeling definately.

I agree children should be allowed to choose ultimately, but sometimes (especially when dc are still v young) it doesn't hurt to oversee it a bit and nudge things along in a harmonious direction iykwim.

pellmell · 18/05/2009 13:29

I am clearly a very controlling mother.
I ask dd who she hopes does/does not come to her party.
She doesn't consider it to be a question where her opinion changes the outcome!
T

MollieO · 18/05/2009 13:30

I would invite.

I'm debating at the moment how much control to give my soon to be 5 yr old over his party invite list. He has said he wants to invite one child who is always mean to him (in the hope that they will become friends according to ds ). I've witnessed this child's behaviour to ds first hand and he wouldn't be top of my list. Part of me feels proud that ds wants to be so inclusive (child isn't in his class) and part of me doesn't want the hassle. He also wants to invite another child solely to give the one that doesn't like him 'because they like fighting each other'.

cornflakegirl · 18/05/2009 13:30

stealth - that did occur to me. It's the first time we've given him any say in his birthday party, so I'm trying to work out how to do it. I'm hoping that when he's a bit older, we'll be able to help him balance what he wants with etiquette / being nice to people, but obviously at the moment we need to do that for him. I'm just trying to work how important I think this is.

I think I'll probably sit down with DS again, and say that I think we should invite the girl. And assuming that he doesn't throw a tantrum about it, just go with it.

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piscesmoon · 18/05/2009 13:31

I have always left it entirely to my DSs who they invite. I had small parties and there was no way I was getting caught into huge whole class affairs just because other parents decided to have them. If he has said that she isn't a friend I don't see the point in inviting her.

MollieO · 18/05/2009 13:31

doesn't like him to give him someone to play with..

cornflakegirl · 18/05/2009 13:37

lots of xposting!

blondes - he chose (or responded favourably when prompted) everyone else that I thought he should definitely invite.

pbk - it was quite nice for me when he got his first invite that wasn't because we knew the parents.

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stealthsquiggle · 18/05/2009 13:38

MollieO that is one very mature soon-to-be 5yo you have there. I applaud his intentions, but IMO/E making a friend out of an enemy is better done with a one to one playdate or equivalent than by inviting them to a party (especially if he is suggesting you invite a friend/sparring partner as well)

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