very unhelpful things your other half can say whilst in labour

(343 Posts)
benbon Sun 10-May-09 10:39:29

just wondering if anyone else's other halves have come out with very unhelpfull advice whilst you were in labour. aibu to think this was not very helpful?

after being in labour for about 6 hours at this point my husband told me "WELL YOU ARE DRAGGING IT OUT ABIT!"

so what helpful things did your partners say to you,.

violethill Sun 10-May-09 10:41:30

'God I'm a bit peckish', followed by disappearing off to the vending machine.

This was while I was nil by mouth...

LetThemEatCake Sun 10-May-09 10:42:17

i have to admit that my dh has been great in my labours (he actually delivered our last child, although did mortify me by telling people afterwards that it was 'like playing American football in the rain')

But just had to LOL at the thought of your dh saying that to you ... did you clock him one?? I would have!

"let go my hand, you are hurting it" hmm

TheProvincialLady Sun 10-May-09 10:46:31

Nothing my DH said could top what the MW said after I had been in labour for about 2 days: "Oh I have such a head ache, I think I need to go and take some tablets and lie down!" shock And she did! shock

benbon Sun 10-May-09 10:49:57

lol these are all funny grin
i would of lamped him had i not of been mid contraction... i havnt let him forget it though...

Feenie Sun 10-May-09 10:50:40

When he was grumbling that the easy chair in the corner of the delivery room was too hard - can remember yelling at him "I'm sorry, are you in a little bit of discomfort?"

violethill Sun 10-May-09 10:50:41

Oh the doctor who told me off for screaming too loudly was a good one too hmm. Female doctor too. Clearly either not a mother, or had given birth under full anaesthesia. I was not impressed.

hf128219 Sun 10-May-09 10:51:31

I know someone's DH (in the Army) who kept saying 'Just soldier on'!

MummyDragon Sun 10-May-09 10:53:15

ProvincialLady: my MW did something similar, she kept moaning about how tired she was after doing a night shift .... erm, I was the one who was up all night IN LABOUR!!!

DH said, "ooh, look, you can see the head, have a look!!" - how, exactly, am I supposed to do that when I'm strapped flat on my back with my legs in stirrups?

He also said, "they're cutting you, look, with scissors!!" - no sh*t dear, really, that's why I can feel snipping down there is it?!

benbon Sun 10-May-09 10:56:08

oh yes not forgetting the face he felt the need to inform me it couldnt be more painful then a swift kick in the balls...wink

bluebump Sun 10-May-09 10:58:44

I'm bored (whilst waiting for me to be induced)

I wonder what's on the telly

I'm tired

Oh my DP was so much fun to have around during labour!

violethill Sun 10-May-09 10:58:46

Should have put him to the test benbon grin

Erm... anything. grin

DamonBradleylovesPippi Sun 10-May-09 11:01:28

mine showed his splinter to all and expected them to feel sorry for him while I was in labour hmm and fell asleep exhausted when the epidural eventually kicked in! He also said 'well first time you did it quicker and without painrelief!. and?

DamonBradleylovesPippi Sun 10-May-09 11:02:01

lol violethill!

MummyDragon Sun 10-May-09 11:03:19

... to continue from benbon's post, my DH refuses to have the snip because "it will hurt." 20 minutes' discomfort, with an anaesthetic, is surely more bearable than childbirth (more than once), no?

benbon Sun 10-May-09 11:07:33

well i almost drowned him in the birthing pool so that made me feel slightly better.. men really are from mars... my friends usband felt the need to inform me she had pooed during labour why would he think that is news that should be shared...

I was in labour with DS & whilst going through my bag realised I hadn't packed any knickers, the hospital is literally 5 minutes away from an Asda so asked him to pop down & get me some (I was only 4cms dilated at the time) thinking he'd be back in 10/15 mintues. He got back an HOUR & A HALF later when I asked him where he'd been he said he stopped in the Asda cafe for scampi & chips hmm

His reasoning was "Well I figured you weren't going anywhere" hmm

Cheeky sod - I refuse to let him live it down lol grin

Doodle2U Sun 10-May-09 11:25:11

"I wish you'd phoned me earlier. I could have got the last flight back then!".

DD was prem. Started at 9pm at night. DH was in London on business.

My response - "It wasn't feckin' happening EARLIER, it's happening NOW you ponce. What am I, telepathic?" angry

He managed to catch the last train from Euston. The train that stops at every single station on the way back north. In frustration, he jumped out at one station screaming "Nuneaton! F*&king Nuneaton! Nobody gets off at Nuneaton!".

The train guard - a West Indian lady with a heart of gold - dragged him back on and let him smoke out the window to calm him down. She then sat with him for most of the journey, whilst he stayed in touch with the hospital. grin

Awwww doodle bless the train guard that's so sweet!

PMSL @ your DH screaming that!!

ProstetnicVogonJeltz Sun 10-May-09 11:28:32

grin f-ing nuneaton.

DH's gem was shrieking 'that can't come out of there. it's too big' as DD crowned.

Cladon Sun 10-May-09 11:53:34

My Dad, after it was all over, said 'Encore!' He got a look.

Re the MW going for a lie-down etc, I agree she should think about what the woman in labour is actually going through, but would rather she was awake and not headachey so mistakes less likely to happen, bearing in mind lives in her hands and all that!

racmac Sun 10-May-09 12:29:58

After a long labour at home i had gone in the shower. The midwifes were making my bed and dh said "why are you making the bed she wont be going beack to bed she's been in it all day"

Thankfully my midwifes just ignored him and ive never let him forget it!

nickschick Sun 10-May-09 12:37:24

When I was having our first baby ( 17 hour induced labour with firceps and ventuose followed by crash c sect) dh had a headache -poor man angry and the midwife suggested a sniff of gas and air shock which he took just as I bloody needed it.

He also asked me if I'd ironed his chinos (it was 1993) before I'd come to hospital.

Voltaire Sun 10-May-09 12:42:57

It would be good if it was all over before the kick off. (DS1 was born on an important rugby international Saturday angry)

ellingwoman Sun 10-May-09 12:47:37

"WELL. I'm HERE now. What do you want me to DO? <cracks open newspaper and settles down in comfy chair>

That was 14 years ago and I've never let him forget it. grin

TsarChasm Sun 10-May-09 12:51:02

Well if nothing's going to happen for a bit, I'll go for a haircut and some breakfast..

A haircut?!

MW (to me) 'Would you like some tea and toast'
DH 'Ooh sugar please'

BitOfFun Sun 10-May-09 12:51:55

"What's our postcode?"

I had a homebirth with dd2, and FIL had telephoned literally 20 seconds before her head entered this world. Not only did my then-DP answer the bloody phone, he expected me to provide him with the full postal address at exactly that point so that FIL could send us a card hmm


I'm a bit busy dear!

DoNotAnnoy Sun 10-May-09 12:54:49

"well there isn't a lot I can do at teh moment, so I may as well put the snooker on....shout if you want anything" angry

This was at about 5cm not exactly nothing going on.

AnarchyAunt Sun 10-May-09 12:56:10

Ex brought me a wooden spoon 'to bite on' when I was having my DD at home hmm

In all the pics of me and brand-new-DD there is a wooden spoon in the corner where I threw it grin

BCNS Sun 10-May-09 13:01:14

exH was fasinated my the heart rate monitor print off.. and everytime I had a contraction.. he told me I was having one! I nearly hit him.

Nappyzoneisabeetrootrunner Sun 10-May-09 13:05:49

"I have an interview at 12.30 (15 miles away)do you think i should go?" - it was 11am and i had ds at 11:58 so you can imagine timing was not good. After i had ds i had to go to surgery and dh rang the company and said could he rearrange as wife had just had a baby and was in surgery and he was looking after his new son whilst i was there - they told him if he wanted the job he would get there as they would not rearrange. Fortunatly for dh's testicles he didnt go.

DoNotAnnoy Sun 10-May-09 13:06:22

MW could see how much use DP was and literally stayed with me for every minute of my final 4ish ours of labour.

I only let her out for 2 things. The toilet (she was desperate by the time I let her gp though blush) and a birthing stool because baby was still far too high when I was completely delated and she recommended it to help baby descend before I was allowed to push. (was fab by the way and wished I had it 3hrs earlier).

LovingTheRain Sun 10-May-09 13:08:06

I was told to "hurry up and push the baby out so I can get back for the football" hmm Luckily she was baby no. 4 so was quicker than the others!

ilove Sun 10-May-09 13:08:21

"That one didn't hurt much did it" said on camera whilst can hear the camerawoman giggling as I replied gently bollocked him!

PinkTulips Sun 10-May-09 13:08:41

dp went out to get a bottle of coke for himself a few seconds after they broke my waters with dd, didn't turn up for almost an hour hmm

he then went out to phone the families after she was born and decided to pop out for a smoke, he was gone for over half an hour while i was being stitched up and dd was across the room in an incubator

the night before she was born we went in as i was in labour but when i was told i was only 1cm dilated i wanted to go home, we got home and he headed to bed with the immortal words 'wake me when you want to head back in' angry it bloody well took 30 mins to wake him next day after spending all night on my own cpntracting heavily with only 2 semi feral cats for company

actually, he's generally very good, never makes silly comments really but even with ds2 a few months ago he disappeared from the labour room for over half an hour, despite me being quite close to giving birth hmm

doodle, that actually made me all tearful thinking of your poor dh on the train and you on your own in hospital

ilove Sun 10-May-09 13:09:22

Oh, and "you've had enough of that" as he removed my gas and air as they were about to insert the epidural...cue midwife running across the room shouting "DON'T TAKE THAT OFF HER!!!!"

Tommy Sun 10-May-09 13:11:54

mine just kept saying "breathe, breathe!"

I felt like saying "I am f*ing breathing - I'd be dead otherwise...." angry

muggglewump Sun 10-May-09 13:22:53

Ex DP sulked at me for two hours because I wasn't trying hard enough.
He also ate the toast they brought me after and one night when he was visiting fell asleep on my bed as he was tired.
Arse angry

liahgen Sun 10-May-09 13:30:11

"you're not trying!!"

he was allowed to attend birth after that one, but isn't attending the next. grin

Doodle2U Sun 10-May-09 13:32:19

PinkTulips - If only! I wasn't on my own. I had the cast of thousands with me because it was getting a bit hairy! Then the Head Honcho MW asked me if I would mind a trainee coming in to watch the birth as she hadn't seen one yet! NINE adults in the room at point of exit an' all I wanted was for it to be over and one of the buggers to give me a cup of teagrin

sparkleandshine Sun 10-May-09 13:37:38

ooh its the customer calling - shall i answer it?

I was just about to start pushing.

sparkleandshine Sun 10-May-09 13:38:06

ooh its a customer calling - shall i answer it?

I was just about to start pushing.

Deeeja Sun 10-May-09 13:38:51

During the first,my dh fell asleep on my bed, saying he was tired and felt a little unwell.
Then the second he played his choice of cd, because he had nothing to do and was bored![hmmm]
After that, I told him I could do it on my own, but obviously, he had to come along to the birth of my now 2 year old and it was so fast he didn't get a chance to do anything much, but he did drink my tea after delivery, and then phoned his sister instead of concentrating on me!
Am pregnant again, baby due in September, and have told him in no uncertain terms how he is to conduct himself this tme.

Deeeja Sun 10-May-09 13:39:41

However, he never flinches at thought of changing a nappy, or bath-time. smile

smackapacka Sun 10-May-09 13:41:16

PMSL at this thread.

My DH and I attended a 'pre-birthing' session run by a midwife and yoga teacher. When asked what the birthing partners could do to help their DW when in labour- my husband said "sing".

That still makes me laugh now - I think the words just tumbled out before he thought about it.

BettyTurnip Sun 10-May-09 13:41:52

Dh - lying on the beanbag in the delivery room, "My big toe's giving me a lot of jip, think my gout might be flaring up"

Me - in labour- just didn't have the energy to bellow "Never mind your bloody toe, you big bloody jessie" but I certainly thought it!

Parmageddon Sun 10-May-09 13:42:21

Ex-h was mostly quiet but went for a takeaway curry which he brought back to the delivery room stinking it out!!

PinkTulips Sun 10-May-09 13:46:58

doodle... when i was having dd a student doc asked to come in and watch as things were getting horrid... the mw asked me by saying 'a student doctor is outisde the door and wants to know if he can come in but you can say no'... i did

if he'd wanted to be there from before things got rough i'd have been more than happy and he'd have gotton to be there went things went wrong too but the morbidness of him only wanting to come in because my baby was in danger made me sick.... can just imagine him lurking in the hallways until he hears someones birth is going horribly wrong and then knocking on that door angry

SadieSunshine Sun 10-May-09 13:49:06



zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz

vjg13 Sun 10-May-09 14:03:17

Not in labour but just about to go for planned CS.

'do i look like George Clooney?'(he was in theatre scrubs)!!

'take a photo of me'

Also afterwards complained of arms hurting from holding the baby too long whilst I was stitched up!

He also asked on the tour of the delivery suite where do the men wait??

I was induced, and things took a while to get going, so while we were waiting the MW explained the various sorts of pain relief available. Bloke was particularly amused then she mentioned aromatherapy, but didn't really say anything and amused himself with bouncing the birthing ball at me,

When, after 11 hours of full-on contractions, two minutes apart I was only THREE CMs dilated, I asked for an epidural. Bloke looked all concerned and said,

'Are you sure? Shall we just try some essential oils?'

Comewhinewithme Sun 10-May-09 14:06:22

My DP kept trying to have a go on the gas and air when the MW was out of the room hmm.

He also annoyed me by constantly saying

"Come on we can do this we will get through this next pain" As if we were sharing the contractions together . Next contraction I knelt up lent on him and bit his shoulder hard blush he still has the mark.

Comewhinewithme Sun 10-May-09 14:09:41

Oh and after dd1 was born he rang everyone and told people her name was Louise ,Libby or Lauren <instead of just admitting he had fogot>.

I have cards from relatives congratulating on the birth of <enter name you were told here> .

Her actual name is Lucy and he bloody picked it.

imoverhere Sun 10-May-09 14:11:33

Not my DH but the midwife said, just after I'd yelled 'Oh My GOD I've got to push' (after telling me it would be hours before I wanted to I might add)...' you can't, I haven't got my trolly' and ran out the room to get her kit!

don't push when you get the urge??? angry For me nothing short of total anastheasia would have stopped me pushing.

but then, to add to it, poor dh (who really didn't know any better, whereas the midwife did) said 'don't push babe'. I told him, at the top of my voice, to shut up, which, given the circumstances was quite mild.

OlympedeGouges Sun 10-May-09 14:17:05

After 30 hours of labour
'I'm really tired'

PinkTulips Sun 10-May-09 14:18:28

imoverhere, my mw with ds2 left to prepare another room for me (despite me warning her i go quick at the end) and when my waters broke and i needed to push i pressed the call buttton and 2 other mws ran in.... when they realised i was pushing one of them uttered the words

'you can't push yet, X wanted to handle this birth, you have to wait til she gets here'

my response was to growl rather menacingly 'it's not a fucking decision!!!!'

X did in fact arrive in time to see his shoulders be pushed out.

imoverhere Sun 10-May-09 14:30:26

Pinktulips - you'd think these women had never seen childbirth before! I thought my MW probably hadn't had children so had no idea what the feeling was (that was after I had calmed down and was feeling slightly more charitable.. when ds was about 6wks old! grin)

flufflybabyhead Sun 10-May-09 14:40:41

rofl at nuneaton man grin

merryberry Sun 10-May-09 14:40:45

'i've got cramp'

FrankMustard Sun 10-May-09 14:41:55

"I'm just going to have my pasty - feeling a bit peckish"

Even the MW popped out to have her lunch¬


oopsacoconut Sun 10-May-09 14:45:11

Oooh this chair is uncomfy, it's giving me back ache' hmm

I was lying in the bath having a contraction and he walked past the end of the bath tapped me on the nose and said 'boo, no sleeping' obviously the mooing noises and heavy breathing is what i normally do when having a nap???

When DD was born after an overnight labour - I'm just popping to the car for a nap, that exhausted me!

He is not really that bad but it's the stupid comments that stick in your mind.

Voltaire Sun 10-May-09 14:54:22

'I'm not sure I can stand it if you scream like that' on arriving in the delivery suite prior to the arrival of DS1, top the background noise of women having a painful time of it.

TheFallenMadonna Sun 10-May-09 15:04:27

DH said to me, while I was in the process of pushing out our 9.10 DD:

'"I can't, I can't" - you're always so negative'


alexpolismum Sun 10-May-09 15:09:31

Surely it can't be that painful, women have babies every day


BettySwollux Sun 10-May-09 15:14:43

DH holding one leg, MW holding the other, DH pipes up, "Come on girl, give it some welly!"
If I could have moved, I swear I would have killed him.
As it was, the look I shot him was enough to shut him up.

alexpolismum Sun 10-May-09 15:20:18

(to add to my previous post - was very tempted to say: surely it can't be that painful, men get kicked in the balls every day grin)

My DP said straight after DS1 that he thought he could have pushed DS1 out quicker, and that it seemed like I really wasn't concentrating properly on how the midwife was telling me to do it!

I did have a two and a half hour 2nd stage put believe me I was trying to bloody push!

He got his come uppance with DS2 though as I had him in 45min from start to finish - to which I could finally reply "Quick enough for you???"

cariboo Sun 10-May-09 15:25:45

you can do it! it will be fine! hmm men would NEVER survive pregnancy, let alone childbirth.

cariboo Sun 10-May-09 15:27:59

My dh was worse than useless. He fell asleep in the labour swing chair thingy, he went off to eat in a restaurant while I was NBM and he fainted when I was given an epidural....

Lilymaid Sun 10-May-09 15:37:17

Afterwards - "that was most interesting". (Yes, and I did a repeat performance a few years later so he could see it all again including any bits he'd missed the previous tiem.)

MmeLindt Sun 10-May-09 15:43:44

ROFL at Nuneaton. And the essential oils.

Love these stories, reminds me of telling DH that my waters had broken. He replied "Can we wait till the end of the football"

In his defence, it was the Euro 2004 final.

PictureThis Sun 10-May-09 15:45:07

DH - "oh and I was watching that too, I'll miss the ending now." We were being moved to delivery suite because I was about to have our DD and he was worried about missing the end of bloody Patriot Games!!!!!

Baisey Sun 10-May-09 16:05:42

LMAO doodle2U Im from Nuneaton so you can tell your hubby if its any consolation to him, I get off at Nuneaton!! grin
My DH informed me when I was pushing that I should let go of his hand because I was hurting him...

oldspotraver Sun 10-May-09 16:09:54

Imoverhere same thing with my midwife. 20 mins earlier I had only been 2cm dilated, she asked me if I felt any 'sensation of fullness' down there (didnt realise till I read my notes the probe attatched to DS's head was lengthening). I said no, but was feeling a little something but thought it was the chronic diarrhea I'd had.

I immediately got the urge to push and told her, she flew up off her chair said "no dont push yet" flung one hand over my nether regions the other pressing the buzzer and shouting " Second midwife, Pead, resucitere, quick, quick" She only just caught DS as he plopped onto the bed. The pead and spare midwife then came clattering through the door

DS1 who was doing a Worsearch said afterwards... "Was she panicking a bit?"

aendr Sun 10-May-09 17:20:07

Hmm, my husband actually went and had a haircut - and we can't remember if I suggested it or not, but I definitely agreed it was a good idea. This was Saturday morning (my waters broke at 3am), the barber's is just around the corner (he could get home in 5 minutes flat), nothing was happening apart from mild contractions every 10 or so minutes (bad enough that I couldn't sleep though)... and that situation continued till 1am Monday when things kicked off (not that we knew that at the time). He did text his friend at 9am on Saturday though to tell him he wouldn't be able to make it to said friend's wedding 2 hours' travel away.

I don't remember any unhelpful comments from him during labour, though I do remember arguing with the midwife about an epidural - by the time I asked a second time for one it was too late to have it and apparently I hadn't been insistent enough the first time! hmm I think I had thought that asking for one before it became that urgent was the sensible thing to do, in case getting hold of the anaesthetist took a while, and having asked once would be sufficient! I know better now, and my husband now knows to back me up and be insistent in case I'm out of it on G&A.

Fairynufff Sun 10-May-09 18:12:33

When I told my DH we should get to the hospital sooner rather than later - he said "So I won't get to see the British Lions? Do you do know it is only on once every four years?" Stupidly, I felt sorry for him and let him go the pub! Told him I'd call him if the contractions got worse. I gave birth a painful 20 minutes after pulling up in front of the hospital. Didn't even get to the delivery room...

I do remind him of it however, every time the British Lions play now.

DH was great during the birth but afterwards I overheard him say "she had the epidural quite early on".

I'd had it after 20 hours

But you know time flies...hmm

Was about 6 cm dialiated and DP says he's going to get his mother some fish and chips hmm

Oh and while the trainee doctor that joined us didn't actually say anything annoying at first, I thought him changing the channel on the TV in the room to the football in between me pushing was a bit unhelpful angry He then sat down and texted his friends until finally getting up and having a look when dd head was crowning (for one awful moment I thought he was actually going to take a picture with his bloody phone). At this point he shouted 'come on you can do it!'.

Had I not been naked, flat on my back with my legs in the air, I would have hurt him really quite badly grin

SugarBird Sun 10-May-09 19:36:27

During my first labour:
'I'm really tired - I've been working all day, you know' after I'd been in labour for 24 hours.

'This camp bed is really uncomfortable' when he was trying to get some kip and I was around 5 centimetres dilated.

And after DC2's birth:
'It's OK for you - you've been lying around in bed all day!'

Luckily for him I didn't have the energy to respond. He's very sweet normally grin

Rosebud05 Sun 10-May-09 19:43:20

'Do you want an eccles cake?' whilst I was in transition.

girlandboy Sun 10-May-09 19:43:48

"That looked like it smarted a bit"

SugarBird Sun 10-May-09 19:48:29

ROFL at "Do you want an eccles cake?" Genius!

BottySpottom Sun 10-May-09 19:58:28

Mine didn't say anything, but just dozen off after DC3 was born, as he was tired shock!

BottySpottom Sun 10-May-09 20:09:57

'just dozed'

Numberfour Sun 10-May-09 20:13:41

like many women, i landed up pooing a bit. the assistant midwife said "don't worry, it does not smell!"

the room clunked of poo!!

sorry if tmi grin

DH complained his hand hurt from my holding it (i gave birth to 10lb4oz boy without pain relief because it happened too quickly and his HAND hurt???)

When I went in to be induced (about 8pm) dh was advised not to go home as I looked 'ready to go'. So instead he went to sleep on a spare bed with the instruction to 'wake him up if anything major happens' while I paced the room dealing with the growing contractions for hours on end.

We was grand during the birth, although he was fascinated with the monitor and kept making stupid comments like 'oohh, that looked to be a big one' - er yes, I did feel it you know hmm.

And at the end, around midday the next day he say 'I'm knackered, I've been up for over 24 hours'. YES AND SO HAVE I AND I'VE BEEN BIRTHING A BABY!!!

Lol Nuneaton man grin.

baby101 Sun 10-May-09 20:25:22

My waters broke in the early evening and got sent home after MW checked me out as there were no contractions. She told me if labour started to stay home as long as possible and take 2 paracetamol!

Contractions started about 11:30pm and DH went to bed as he was tired!! I stayed up with my tens machine and at 5am decided I needed to go to the hospital - but forgot to phone first. When I arrived the MW told me off for not phoning and said that when I returned later that day I must phone first (don't know where she thought I was going). Then another MW appeared, took one look at me and said "Oh bless you, clutching your little tens machine". DH wanted to slap her. They were so convinced that I was an over-reacting 1st time Mum that they took me into an assessment room and messed around for ages without examining me. DS was born 45mins later with no pain relief as there was no time!

Half way through pushing DH told the MW he felt light headed as he's missed breakfast, so they sat him down and went to get him tea and a biscuit!!shock

jennybensmummy Sun 10-May-09 20:43:47

well bens dad - now my ex said numerous things, let me first describe labour then it will make more sense!! i was in labour in total for 5 and a half days, i went to hospital on day one and was 3cm dilated, went back on day 3 and was still 3cm!! then went into more strong labour - the contractions had been half hourly for 5 days then went to constant contractions where i couldnt move at all in middle of night at home. well i got in bath nd took 2 paracetamols, then couldnt get out of bath and took 10 mins screaming to him to wake up - nothing!! then when i finally woke him up and was stood there naked screaming and grunting etc he asked "cant you wait til morning" - it was 12.30am!! i threw phone at him and said ring my mum and hospital tell them im coming this time and not leaving!!! he made me do it to which they could barely understand me his response when they spoke to him on phone - "i think shes exaggerating a bit i cant see baby yet"
then he went mad at me that i was embarrassing for not wearing shoes to the car!! then had a very quick labour as was pushing on way to hospital and had no pain relief - as ben was being bborn the classis was "so i can finally go back to bed??" quickly followed with "see it wasnt that bad at all i thought it was easy!!!!" the midwife just told him "you go and get some fresh air for your own safety i think dad" lol then in weeks after he told people, "she overexaggerated the whole thing it was quite a quick labour i think and he was only 9lb 1oz so no wonder she didnt need pain relief" - 5.5 days, didnt have time for pain relief as just had to push!!!!

Jenski Sun 10-May-09 20:43:47

After giving birth to DD1, my DH cut the cord and said "I name this baby ......", as if cutting a ribbon at a grand opening of a boat or something hmm

sleepyeyes Sun 10-May-09 20:53:03

shock Sounds like your well rid of him jenny!

ROLF at Nuneaton. grin

peppapighastakenovermylife Sun 10-May-09 20:59:45

Mine went around telling everyone for ages after DS1 that I apparently 'screamed a bit' when the midwife gave me an episiotomy with no sort of pain relief - funny that!

With DD, at home, and me in transition he asked if there was anything in particular I wanted to watch on tv...

Oh and when DS was about 2 weeks old he kept telling everyone how exhausted he the time he was sleeping in the spare room getting a full nights unbroken sleep whilst I BF DS every hour or so!

Seriously, if men had babies the world would be a very different place.

lobsters Sun 10-May-09 21:22:24

DH got a huge crush on the anaethestist, and she went on endlessly about how lovely, intelligent and young she was. Given she was all these things, but it didn't make me feel better.

After I'd given birth the doc turned to me and said "you thought you were having a girl didn't you" in a tone of voice that implied oops there's a been a mistake. And then buggered off and didn't say anything else, so I had to keep asking whether it was a girl.

I'd been fully prepped for a c-section, completely numb from boobs down and not feeling great above that. About an hour after DD was born DH wanted me to take a photo of him with the baby and shouted "FGS why can't you hold do it properly when I was struggling to get them both in the frame and couldn't really move back to zoom out.

SugarBird Sun 10-May-09 21:25:12

Owwww peppapig - that happened to me with my first. Unbelievably painful. Still wince when I remember it and it was 19 years ago!

DP of course opined that 'it couldn't have hurt that much or they would have given you an anaesthetic first'. Men!!

I've laughed out loud at some of the comments off our loved ones!! grin

I had an unplanned C section, we had 4 lots of IVF waited four years for our little one and when they handed her to my hubby ......... he decided he felt a little overwhelmed and faint and had to go outside with the MW, handed her to the other MW and left me lying on a bed with my guts hanging out not being able to see my daughter ...... bloody woos!! angry

He came back about five minutes later all sheepish, but I let him off as he's not very good with blood and things!!

fairimum Sun 10-May-09 21:38:57

during a rather awful emergency c-section (pre-eclampsia so had known would be happening sooner rather than later) - after I had been throwing up as they took an hour to get epidural (and spinal i believe in the end!) in - they cut me open and DH says - "wow it is just like in CSI, that program is SO realistic!"

dilemma456 Sun 10-May-09 21:47:33

Message withdrawn

jennybensmummy Sun 10-May-09 21:49:18

pmsl @ dilemma456 love it!!

nicolamumof3 Sun 10-May-09 21:49:19

This has given me such a giggle what a great thread!!!

i remember my dp saying after giving birth to ds2 'i thought you would have coped a bit better than that really'....oh REALLY??? he's never lived that down, was much better at labour of ds3

LoisWilkerson Sun 10-May-09 21:51:34

When in labour at home with first baby, DP thought it a good idea to watch Alien. Oh yes. Watching that creature rip John Hurt's guts open as it popped out of his stomach was a marvellous idea whilst at 5cms.

Prior to that, at the ante-natal class he was clearly confused by being told an early sign of labour could be 'a show'.
At which point he mouthed 'a show?' at me and gave me John Barrowman-esque jazz hands. He clearly expected me to perform an impromptu Chicago medley whilst giving birth.


Confuzzeled Sun 10-May-09 21:51:44

Dh had spent 30 mins leaning over the birthing pool, lifting me out when I had a contraction. DD was born, he stood up and nearly fainted, the midwife sat him down on a chair behind her. As I held my dd for the first time I heard him say "Don't worry, I'm alright, I just stood up too quickly".

Am falling about, have even phoned my Mum to tell her some of these!

I also had a MW who didn't believe I needed to push with DD1. With DTs, both breach, kept being told by consultant (an absolute star as it happens) and her registrar (who hadn't had children) not too push until they said so. Errmm...yeah ok, that's easy! Kept climbing up the back of the bed to stop myself! The reg pointed out that I couldn't have the gas whilst they needed me to push as they needed the pushing to be "effective", I ripped the mouth piece off the tube as I needed something! She asked me very calmly to "calm down"! I don't think she fully appreciated what we were trying to achieve!

DH held my hand, and cried. So much for support!

norksinmywaistband Sun 10-May-09 22:02:50

I had a slow labour, but was sick with every contraction, after 13 hours I gave in and had the epidural( I was 7 cm at this point) DH said well if your not in pain now, I'll just go home and shower as I have been up all night. Also exhausted obviously, I agreed he returned 3 hours later!!! Luckily he didn't miss anything but he didn't half get a mouthful from me

GreenMonkies Sun 10-May-09 22:12:19

When I was in active labour at home with DD2, DP asked me where the sellotape was.


pottycock Sun 10-May-09 22:13:06

Mine started singing 'little donkey'.


Daffodilly Sun 10-May-09 22:13:52

These are brilliant.

With DD1 about 30 hours into labour DH asked "if you aren't using the bed do you mind if I have a rest, it's been a long night". Er, no kidding!

About an hour before DS2 was born when I was mooing through contractions and we were still at home, DH decided he would pop out to local deli to get a sandwich before we headed off to hospital "in case it is another long labour, oh and do you want me to get you something?" [Vom]

Then when we arrived at hospital and DS was crowning in the corridor with me screaming for some pain relief, DH asked midwife "shall I turn her TENS machine up a notch?" Um - I don't think that will cut it at this stage.

Mummy2LZ Sun 10-May-09 22:17:39

Whilst on all fours giving birth to DD2 my DH informed me that " You dont look as good as the night I met you!!"

I wasnt paying much attention at the time as I was a bit distracted but asked him about it afterwards and havn't let him forget it.
He claims he was trying to distract me!!

Also during labour with DD1 he decided to cut the grass, Have a shower and the when I told him it was time to go he decided to get online to let his parents know we were off!

He is Australian though!! lol

My DH decided to go out for a fag as I was-in his words 'having a right nice time with the gas and air' only to come back and have scrubs thrown at him as I had been rushed into theatre for an emergency c-section. he sauntered up to me saying 'bloody hell its like MASH in here'. Afterwards he said that he caught a glimpse of my insides as he went over to hold our DD and I looked 'just like a lasagne'

LovelyDear Sun 10-May-09 22:27:37

Mine just pointed out how attractive the young midwife was.... hmm i think he meant it as an observation and just didn't realise what he'd said...

magentadreamer Sun 10-May-09 22:38:29

DD was born by EMCS. When all hell let lose her Dad was out of the room. On his return I wailed they're going to do a c section - he worked at the time in mental health and informed the midwife he didn't think I was sectionable and could he please talk to someone NOW!

busterk Sun 10-May-09 22:44:50

I was induced, DH was told to go home as it would be a while. When they phoned him during the night to say I was being moved to the delivery room he cancelled the call.
When he got to hospital the MW said they would get him a coffee.
I asked for an epidural and my DH said 'Already! can you not last a bit longer!'
Some complications with epidural and labour, ended up with an emergncy c section.
Eventually back in ward and DH says 'i never did get that coffee'

ruthosaurus Sun 10-May-09 23:25:47

DH was largely incredibly supportive and fabulous but was brought up with "family hold back" as a maxim. So when I said "Ask them if the birth pool is free" after 10 hours of labour he said "Are you sure? Someone else might need it more". I appreciated the selflessness but it wasn't his own self he was being selfless for...

While having his hand grabbed as having horrible double contractions as I was being fitted up for surgical stockings before an emergency c-sec that never happened, after a 2 hour second stage that went wrong when DS decided to look over his shoulder for a last view of the old homestead before leaving for planet Earth, "Ow, that hurts". I evilly replied, "Oh, does it? Good" and squeezed just a little bit harder... He shut up.

benbon Sun 10-May-09 23:26:56

this is my best thread, it actually got more then 5 replies lol grin

lilyfire Sun 10-May-09 23:31:39

During my homebirth with DS3, when I was at the 'can't speak during contractions, so much pain, why am I doing this again?' stage, DP wanders in with some mince he'd found in the fridge and asked me if it was past it's use by date.

pmsl at: '... look over his shoulder for a last view of the old homestead before leaving for planet Earth...' grin

Having nearly wet myself, several times, I really do need the loo now, I am starting to wonder whether the ol' days when men sat waiting in a small room with other men, wasn't a better idea.

womblingfree Sun 10-May-09 23:52:59

Was induced 2 weeks late and had agonising contractions for about 8 hours before I started to dilate.

At one point DH told me off for keeping hold of the entonox tube all the time as I 'didn't need it in between contractions'

I suspect a fair few people outside our room may have heard me scream 'There is no f**king in between"!!!

Aefondkiss Sun 10-May-09 23:55:00

just after ds was born, he was on the phone to his mother "....yeah it was much easier this time..."shock

he also went off to eat whilst I was in labour with dd, then when she was born, he ate the toast and drank the tea the mw brought, whilst I was too weak to move... I hadn't eaten since we had left home.

I was crying and having a contraction when the MW came again to ask if I wanted some pain relief, DH answered "We don't need it, thank you" hmm. Then I snapped at him and he was very offended "There is no need to be rude" he said. shock

JoyS Mon 11-May-09 01:24:29

DH would like you all to know he played many a chess tournament in Nuneaton in his wild youth.

midlandsmumof4 Mon 11-May-09 01:32:34

Yep-'god let go my hand-that HURTS'. Along with.......OHH, the bed's collasped-should I tell someone grin.

TeaOneSugar Mon 11-May-09 07:06:53

The mw kept telling me "the heads just coming around the corner"!!!! over and over again.

Apparently when she asked me if I wanted to feel the head I said "I can feel the f**cking head thanks.." I don't usually swear so she must have really been annoying me by then.

My DH when asked for a cup of tea said "there's no milk left....", a few comments from me and he rapidly went in search.

His classic comment on the delivery was (through tears) "We're not having any more I can't go through that again".

seriously these are hilarious.
My dh went with the 'ouch you are hurting my hand a bit'....>REALLY???!!!

Then it was the 'urgh this chair is uncomfy'

and then

'its right what they say, they do go a bit loopy after 6 bottles of gas and air'
I could have clocked him for that one. Seriously I would have throttled him had he been within arms reach.

I did feel for the consultant when she told me to push. I distincly remember saying, 'I am fucking pushing'. I did apologise afterwards for being such a cow. DH said that he could see fingernail marks from where I dug my nails into her arm

usedtoreadbooks Mon 11-May-09 07:31:15

Haven't read the whole thread, so something similar might have already come up. But while me and DH were a bit giggly with nerves at being induced, MW said to me very fiercely - This is SERIOUS you know. Diabetes babies can DIE. We both lost it completely, kept saying it to each other to make each other laugh through the rest of proceedings (wasn't there a thread a while ago about inappropriate places to get uncontrollable giggles?). Lost our sense of humour 24 hours later in surgery. Thankfully DD was fine :-)

TwentiethCenturyHeffa Mon 11-May-09 07:38:12

My parents visited me while I was in labour and merrily inhaling my gas and air with every contraction. My Dad told me to be careful with the G and A because it's 'not good for the environment'. I was fairly emphatic in my not caring... (although I feel I should point out that I do normally care about the environment).

DH was surprisingly pretty good.

twofalls Mon 11-May-09 07:59:51

DH is a guitar teacher and I cancelled most of his lessons before going in to be induced. After about 10 hours of labour he suddenly asked me if I had cancelled Fred Smith's lesson. He was aghast that I couldn't remember hmm and as he left the room to go and phone the MW said to me "i would have told him to shove Fred Smith up his arse" grin

After commenting that the babies heartbeat on the monitor sounded like a galloping horse he helpfully said mid contraction "I hope its not a horse, imagine getting the head out". The MW thought this was the funniest thing she had ever heard.

kellise Mon 11-May-09 08:41:01

When sat up on the bed with my legs dangleing ready for my epidural to be put in the mw asked for a stool (for me to but my feet on to steady myself) DH thought they were asking him if he wanted a stool & said no thanks I'll stand & mw commented that she meant it for me not him & his comfort was not in question.

GooseyLoosey Mon 11-May-09 08:43:27

"Can you just hold on while I get my breakfast". I kid you not!

GreenMonkies Mon 11-May-09 09:56:28

"His classic comment on the delivery was (through tears) "We're not having any more I can't go through that again". "

I'm not defending these idiots men at all, but I had several long conversations with DP and my mum when we were planning DD2's homebirth. Bearing in mind that DD1's birth was a long drawn out labour culminating in a stressful ventouse delivery which left both DP and I traumatised. We talked about the whole experience, how it had made us both feel, and what I we really wanted our HB to be like. I wanted my mum to come up as I wanted a fall-back birth partner and she and I talked about what it is like to watch your loved one (be they parter/wife, sister or daughter) in labour. She pointed out that even though she had birthed 3 babies and knew what it was like, it made her feel very helpless and useless when she was with me whilst I was in labour the first time.

I am a very competant, strong, confident, "in-control" person 99% of the time, and for DP to see me exhausted and struggling after 48+ of contractions and no sleep, losing control of the situation and finally caving in to the bullying of the MW/Dr and being put into stirrups etc must have left him feeling completely disorientated.(the MW got DP to lift one of my legs into a stirrup, which he did even though he knew I shouldn't be positioned like that, and I'm sure it made him feel awful to be doing that to me as I lay on my back feebley saying "no, no, I'm not supposed to push in stirrups, read my notes...." but he did it because he was stressed and tired and assumed the MW/Dr knew what was ok or not). He was in floods of tears as DD1 was born (I was spitting nails because they were ignoring me and doing all the things my birth plan stated they shouldn't do!) and I mean sobs and tears, very, very over-whelmed.

What I am trying to say here is that for some birth partners watching thier loved one grunting, screaming, mooing, swearing and generally working very hard (and possibley behaving totally put of character) and to be unable to do anything constructive to help can be seriously difficult. Add to it the fear that is always there for the well-being of mother and baby, and I'm not surprised some men feel they can't go through it again! Wimps!! wink

CinnabarRed Mon 11-May-09 10:36:43

Not so much during labour, when DP was great. But when I was being stitched up afterwards, he asked the MW to put in an extra stitch "just for him" because I was looking a bit "loose" down there...!

lal123 Mon 11-May-09 10:57:13

not DP - MW. When I was starting to get a bit fed up with it all I asked her " can't you just pull her out??", to which she replied "No, sorry the ears aren't out yet, I've got nothing to hold on to.." grin

DamonBradleylovesPippi Mon 11-May-09 11:00:34

Theimperialcharliecat yours win grin!

Jackaroo Mon 11-May-09 11:45:44

Have just told DH I forgot to give him a Nobel prize for his work with DS1 having read all these.

Do you think we could have a Tena icon at the beginning of threads where you are likely to wet yourself with laughter, that woudl be ever so helpful.....grin

Ah Damon my dh is a peach really, just doesn't possess an ounce of tact the poor love wink

OrmIrian Mon 11-May-09 12:05:38



I told him that I was bloody breathing and he'd know when I stopped cos I'd turn blue and stop moving.

Not quite fully dilated after four hours of back to back labour - 'Never mind darling, the worst bit is nearly over'.
To which an outraged screech of 'How the FUCK would you know' was the only possible response.

div22c Mon 11-May-09 12:17:16

Me in initial stages of labour, hubby trying to time my contractions. Right when I am in the middle of nice big one, he asked "so how many minutes ago did the last one happen?" So what exactly was he doing sitting there! He's not going to live that down for a long long time!

Libra Mon 11-May-09 12:29:02

I have a heart condition, and so immediately after giving birth to DS2 I had to be rushed to the cardiac unit.

DH followed behind telling me helpfully: 'I don't want you to worry about anything. We have insurance. If you DO die, the mortgage will be paid off... in fact, we may be better off financially.'

I only bring it up about once a day.

By the way, I am actually FROM Nuneaton, although have escaped. And no one ever gets off there.

fishtankbrain Mon 11-May-09 12:29:35

I went into labour on the Thursday night with our DS. Went into hospital on the Friday morning, only for everything to slow down (contraction every 10 mins) and for me to be sent home at lunchtime. When we got home I went to have a bath. DH decided this was the appropriate moment to mow the lawn. When I pointed out that I might get into difficulties in the bath, he suggested that I take the phone in there and he would have the mobile out in the garden. I then pointed out that the mobile reception is notoriously useless round here. He told me that if I needed him I could throw a towel out of the window as a signal...

DS held off until Sat lunchtime after a full 38 hours of labour...

DamonBradleylovesPippi Mon 11-May-09 12:37:55

not so much what he sai but what he didn't do. For both dd's he fell asleep while helping me out timing contraction. First time I was [shocked] as you can imagine and upset. I woke him up that I was 5cm dilated saying 'are you coming with me or shall I see you later?'.

second time I didn't mind - was a bit of a dejavu tbh.

Dh ate my sandwiches 10 mins before I started to push.

LAL123 pmsl about the ears!!

greenmonkies ITA my dh was in tears afterwards because he found it so difficult to see me in such pain for so long. He told me that if DS hadnt arrived asap he was going to go and speak to the dr again as he was sure there was something wrong

'Oh stop nagging me. Even if you are in labour, it'll be hours yet before anything happens.' To be fair, we'd had a 31 hour epic first time round, so we hadn't expected anything to happen quickly. But by this point I was having contractions every couple of minutes, and I really did want a sense of urgency to emerge so I could get to the hospital ... had a 4 1/2 hour labour second time round, a large chunk of which was spent giving my son his tea, reading him his bedtime story in between contractions and arranging the babysitter, while dp put his feet up on the sofa!!

laweaselmys Mon 11-May-09 12:53:54

My DP was pretty fantastic - but when they put baby girl on my chest after she was born he collapsed on the floor crying hysterically and I had a panic that he was going to get stuck like that forever and would be a useless dad! (They were happy tears)

I actually barely remember my labour but I do remember the pushing stage I was pretty vocal during each attempt and my MW felt the need to tell me that making all that noise would just tire me out! Erm, you try pushing a melon sized head out of your bits in a calm and quiet manner! Think I was too shocked to say anything though.

I also asked if they could just pull her out. I don't think they were very impressed.

laweaselmys Mon 11-May-09 12:55:31

Oh no hang on, I now remember when he complained that when I bit his shoulder during a contraction that it hurt, and telling me I wasn't really in labour a few minutes before my waters broke!

girlandboy Mon 11-May-09 13:25:12

Dh was in the bath when my waters broke. I was downstairs sitting on the new 3 piece suite when I felt like something was about to happen. I moved onto the floor and heard an audible pop. My waters gushed onto the carpet.

I called up the stairs to inform dh what had happened and he said, full of concern of course, "oh god, you weren't sitting on the new settee where you?" Oh, I could feel the love!

He scuttled in with a bucket of soapy water and cloths and proceeded to mutter under his breath about cleaning the carpet, but completely forgetting to ask how I was.

Spaceman Mon 11-May-09 13:37:12

Not other half; but midwife said:

'Don't worry, you're not the only woman in labour to have cried.

My confidence plumetted and I got totally paranoid that I was the ONLY woman giving birth to have ever burst into tears.

mum23monkeys Mon 11-May-09 13:46:03

with ds2, about 20 minutes after a short but horrible labour while I was still being stitched up, dh announced he would be going home as he felt 'a bit under the weather'.

I had a hb for dd a couple of years later. I had been reading the hypnobirthing book after having had 2 previous ghastly hospital deliveries. dh doesn't go in for 'hypno-mumbo-jumbo' so about 10 seconds after dd arrived in a controlled and calm environment with no pain relief whatsoever, he just said "well that hypno thing didn't work, did it".

Whilst contracting on the sofa, he patted me on the head and said "here have a Jaffa cake".

What the hell was I supposed to do with a jaffa cake?

allthetwinklystars Mon 11-May-09 14:48:51

Not DH but MW, 2 1/2 hours after my first contraction: Oh yes, a couple of pushes and the baby will be here. I'd deliver you now, but I'm going off shift now.

I ended up having 3 midwives for my 3 1/2 hour induction - 2 for my 10 minute second stage, due to the bloody shift change.

Oh well, shouldn't complain though, it was nice to have it all over so quickly. My first birth was alsojust after the shift change. In DD's case the MW wasn't even in the room - I caught her myself!

kidowner Mon 11-May-09 14:49:27

Had 2 mws for a home birth who were so engaged in conversation it was if I wasn't even there. They kept looking at their watches too, very off putting and guilt inducing! (I am so sorry this is taking so long)

Then they started talking about my choice of decor:
mw1: Don't think much about that style of conservatory do you?
mw2: No not really, they get so cold in the winter
mw1: Don't mind her curtains mind
mw2: Not bad are they
mw1:what's on tv tonight?
mw: dunno

allthetwinklystars Mon 11-May-09 14:50:06

2 MW in a row, not at the same time. No idea what their names were or even what they looked like!

GruffaloMama Mon 11-May-09 14:52:43

DH on my having an epidural after a 3.5 day induction and 10 hours of back-to-back labour... "if you'd had that earlier we could have watched Strictly Come Dancing"

And later the registrar (after 3.5 hours of trying to push a 98th centile head out) - "all that screaming isn't helping anyone, you know". The junior doctor wished the registrar "good luck" with the forceps.

And the anaesthetist "why is this woman in pain - someone should have called me - the epidural isn't working". I did call. I reckon they could have heard me in the next postcode. And I knew the epidural wasn't working...

tessofthedurbervilles Mon 11-May-09 15:19:50

Crouching in front, head on his lap, 'while your down there love ha ha'

tessofthedurbervilles Mon 11-May-09 15:19:50

Crouching in front, head on his lap, 'while your down there love ha ha'

GreenMonkies Mon 11-May-09 15:24:44

tess that's beyond tactless or brave, it's just plain stupid!!! Imagine how hard you'd bite down during a contraction!! shock

bunnyrabbit Mon 11-May-09 15:25:37

DH has been a star through both births.

DS1 very long labour.

About 1pm sat (been in labour 40 hours - been in Hosp 3 hours), whilst in the middle of a big contraction, kneeling on floor, holding DHs hand, leaning over bed, moaning quietly, DH stands up looks me in the face and says " I suppose sex is out the questions?" and legs it out the door. Bastard. He timed it perfectly., could barely breath for the contraction let alone laughing and there's no way I could catch him. Stood at the door PHSL. I had tears rolling down my face.

A couple of hours later made it very clear that I didn't want help (my reaction to extreme pain is to close up) so rocking and swaying kneeling on the bed, look up and DH and MW watching Beckam score a goal for England on the telly. DH " well you said you wanted us to leave you alone".

And yes I remind him of each of these incidents at regular intervals.


bobblehat Mon 11-May-09 15:46:49

with number 2 my contractions went from being very mild and spaced out to all at once, baby's about to arrive. We were at home and I told him we needed to get to the birth centre as soon as possible, but he told me he needed to brush his teeth first as he'd just woken up (it was 3am). Needless to say we didn't get to the birth centre, and dh delivered ds2 5 mins later...

id been having contractions for 16 hrs. we ordered takewawy as it was taking forever, (after 25 hrs was 1 cm aaaaarrrrghhhh could have punched the mw at that piont!!) oh said i fancy a curry, i said couldnt stomach it, if u order a pizza mite manage 1 slice, he moaned but i dont want one, oh great. anyway oreded the pizza and as it turned out the smell of it made me feel sick.
so oh said how selfish i didnt even want to order this and now ur nt eating it!! ( he was doing it in a jokey manner! but y dont these men realise iam hardly in a laughing mood!)
many many hrs later..... sitting in the chair while iam having the epidual inserted, alright love fancy a bite of my pasty! me- F*CK off haha

catski Mon 11-May-09 16:44:44

"I don't think you've reached your pain threshhold maximum yet"

Said after 2.5 days of labour, pethedine and epidural which didn't help and whilst trying to make myself pass out with the gas and air.

GetOrfMoiLand Mon 11-May-09 16:52:17

lolol at "NUNEATON" and LoisWilkerson's (love the name, btw) DP expecting her to do jazz hands at the mention of her having a show.

They're really bloody idiots, sometimes, arent't they!

XDP nicked my tea and toast, the swine. I needed that tea and toast. And during transition he tried to make me laugh by putting a sick bowl on his head and gurning - I yelled at him and tried to grab him, midiwfe sternly marched him to the other side of the road and said "LEAVE her" grin

GetOrfMoiLand Mon 11-May-09 16:53:14

Other side of the road, lol, as if Iwas in labour on the pavement. I mean other side of the room, obv.

chickenfortea Mon 11-May-09 17:00:47

Oh God these have cheered me up no end. Especially love the negative one lol.

With DS1 my DH (who atthe time sold medical equipment) tried his sales pitch as the epidural was being put in. Me - "excuse me but would quite like the lady to concentrate"
With DS2 he told me the pain was all in my head, smacked me on the bottom to "show what real pain was" and then told me that I was upsetting the dog when I was contracting.
We then went to the hospital and he left the room as DS2 was crowning to answer his mum's phonecall (yes she'd rung the labour line as she got no response to his mobile)
With DD1 Mum and I relegated him to tea making duty. He performed that well

greenbeanie Mon 11-May-09 18:32:06

This comment was from the midwife not dh when I was 8 cm dilated with contractions coming thick and fast. "Are you going anywhere nice on holiday this year?"

It was 3 in the morning and I had been in labour for 15 hours. I think I mustered a "We haven't thought of anywhere yet"!!!!

What on earth do you say to that grin I thought I was on the delivery ward not at the hairdressers.

Mamulik Mon 11-May-09 19:40:39

I was by myself, thanks God, because he would said - Are you done yet??

OracleInaCoracle Mon 11-May-09 19:45:24

i had been in labour for two days and writhing on the bed in agony and squeezing dh's hand. he asked the midwife to take a look at his little finger, apparently it "really hurt"

the mw replied when i asked if she had any kids (as she was linking me to the drip) "god no, I'd never go through that!"

AramintaCane Mon 11-May-09 19:46:07

My DH kept saying "come on the force is with you" combined with the gas and air it was all a bit sureal.

Louie1 Mon 11-May-09 20:11:25

When I was just about to produce, baby's head was crowning etc, in walked the gas man - somebody had reported a leak in the hospital and he'd been told to check every room. I must say that by that time (baby was 9lb1), I was past caring!!!!

pinkstarfish Mon 11-May-09 20:23:13

DH - "Would you like a donut?"

Me, 6cm dialated, still waiting for some gas and air - "oooh, let me see, how does the word NO grab you?!" angry

MrsPickles Mon 11-May-09 20:42:43

64 hours or so into a 70 hour labour, in rather a considerable amount of agony:

I ask DH for a drink of water inbetween contractions. He passes me squeezy water bottle (so far, so helpful)
I take one sip, next contraction hits me like a train and I tightly grip the bottle, squirting some water at DH's leg in the process
DH: why did you squirt me
Me: [can't speak for the pain, grunting noises]
DH: there's no need to take it out on me
Me urrrrrrrgh
DH: My trousers are soaking wet
ME [contraction finally eases enough for me to say] it was a fucking accident !
DH: Hmmmmph [disbelieving tone]

I have not let him forget it, and if he is ever ill, stubs his toe, or something generally disasterous happens, I say, "oh well, at least you haven't got wet trousers"

Pollyanna Mon 11-May-09 20:48:14

while I was walking around the hospital having pretty bad contractions, dh said

"I've got a really sore throat - you've no idea how much it hurts"

then we went back to the ward and dh asked the midwife if he could have a bed to lie down on grin (midwife was speechless]

I sent him home, and gave birth to dd2 about an hour and a half later (he just made it back)

smartiejake Mon 11-May-09 20:54:54

-"Do you really need to hum? It's really embarrassing."

-As my epidural was being put in "I think I'm going to pass out" <thud> This was followed by a gaggle of nurses fussing over him and giving him cups of tea and toast (which I wasn't allowed to have)

- "Take some pethedine will you? It's not a
competition to see if you can do without them!"

weston Mon 11-May-09 20:58:36

we had been for a curry to move things along..which obv had the desire effect as i went into labour soon after...throughout my dh complained of indigestion...and then when he went to get the baby clothes he put his back out!!

clam Mon 11-May-09 21:02:41

Me: on hands and knees in back of car in dressing gown in labour with DS.
DH: got a pound coin for the car park?

Midwife: I don't know where your DH has got to.
Me: I do. Is there a TV anywhere nearby?

Sure enough, DH was in there watching the Test Match WITH THE DOCTOR who was supposed to be monitoring me!

2 years on and DD arrives. Billing and cooing all round for a suitable length of time (to be fair). But then.....
DH: Right, I'm going to get off home. I'm knackered.
Me: (gritting teeth). I'll call you in a bit to collect us once the consultant discharges us.
DH: Don't make it too early. I'll be asleep. Oh, but try and make it before 11, coz the cricket starts then.

clam Mon 11-May-09 21:07:23

Oh, and this...

Me: pass me the gas and air.
DH: Hang on a bit. I'm using it.

earthpixie Mon 11-May-09 21:09:36

I had a MW who popped in for 10 mins to relieve the main one (who was amazing). I'd had an epidural shortly before and was waiting until I was sufficiently dilated to start pushing. She came in, sneered and said 'How do you expect to know when to push if you can't feel anything?' Err, thanks love. Fortunately she buggered off when the real MW returned.

My DH spent a lot of my labour reading Classic Car magazine and placidly eating sandwiches.

JemL Mon 11-May-09 21:46:25

DH was generally fantastic in labour...but he developed a belief in the analgesic properties of Haribo tangfastic...he tried to make me eat one during every contraction.

When having my waters broken, I asked him to talk to me to distract me. He claimed he couldn't think of anything.
Me, "Anything, sing a nursery rhyme, tell me a F*ing story, anything"
DH, "Alright, it's quite hard being put on the spot like this, you know."

He fell asleep at one point, and he also went to the hospital Burger King while I was NBM.

WHen the Dr decided I was going to have an emergency c-section, the way she described it was, "We're going to have to deliver this baby" I knew she meant a c-section - DH thought they were going to go in with a pair of forceps and yank him out of my uterus. Had to spend the next 10 minutes reassuring him!!

TheSquodgit Mon 11-May-09 22:06:56

LOL at 'even the midwife popped out to eat her lunch'.

How v.dare she. She should have starved herself THE BITCH!!!

Seriously though I'm sure she left you at a time where she felt you were coping, were supported by a birth partner and you were in no danger.

jujubean Mon 11-May-09 23:05:20

I was induced on synto so we're in the early bit waiting for things to get from hurty period pains to hurty contractions and DH starts texting people on his phone because he's bored and also because his family like to have a running commentary of our lives. I was in a bit of a 'me, me, me' mood that day for some strange reason wink. So I said if he touched his phone one more time I would throw it out of the f*ing window. The MW looked quite taken aback.

Twinklemegan Mon 11-May-09 23:14:25

Me in the bath, screaming in agony, no one believing me that my early posterior labour was absolutely horrifically painful (which it was).

DH in pretty fed up tones - "oh this is stupid, we're going home". shock

He claims it was "reverse psychology". hmm

ruthosaurus Mon 11-May-09 23:15:16

Tangfastics can do wonderful things, you know.

PMSL but that could also be due to a frankly shoddy pelvic floor these days. wink

I loved (or not) the registrar who said "Oh, come on, you silly girl, you'll have forgotten all about this when you come to have the next ones." I think my exact words were "You fuckin' have 'em!". Git. All the other staff were lovely, though, esp the MW who reminded DH to take my wedding rings and camera into the next delivery room in case someone buggered off with them. Bless her.

Apparently when I got off my face on gas and air I spent a long time explaining to DH how when you got to the top of the pain it was all just blue, like being in an aeroplane above the clouds <tokes hard on g&a>... maaaaaaan. blush

Twinklemegan Mon 11-May-09 23:19:43

Ruthosaurus - I had one of those registrars too (maybe the same one?) Her explanation for me still being stuck pushing DS out after 2 and a half hours was that I wasn't pushing through the crowing pain! She really thought that I'd rather put up with contraction after contraction after contraction than make the effort to push his head out. If I hadn't been so completely zoned out and in complete agony, I would have slapped her.

Twinklemegan Mon 11-May-09 23:20:22

Crowing pain?? grin

mamadoc Mon 11-May-09 23:49:10

I was born on my mum and dad's wedding anniversary. Apparently my mum woke my dad up after being in labour for a few hours and asked him to drive her to hospital (1hr away so she was starting to panic) he instead produced a wrapped parcel and said 'Happy Anniversary Darling' and sad to say she threw it at him. They seem to have managed another 30+ yrs though so I guess he didn't hold it against her.

I was reminded of this after posting on another thread, so apologies if you have seen it!

After delivering DTs (breech/breech) naturally, and with gas and air and two paracetmol, my consultant felt I deserved a shower. Cue DH helping me into shower "You know, that was amazing, you are amazing, in fact I'm really turned on right now, fancy a feel?" I luaghed, hard! I think the staff were a bit worried that I had gone into some sort of shock, as I stepped out of the bathroom, still laughing! It ruins our sex life to this day!

flummery Tue 12-May-09 01:07:53

I was induced for DS1 and DS2 so neither DH nor I had any experience of spontaneous labour.

DD decided to arrive at 39 weeks and neither of us were expecting it. I woke up at 5.30am wondering what was going on and then realised I was having contractions.

I woke DH up and said "I think I'm in labour." He groaned and said "I was just dreaming that we were having sex" and rolled over and went straight back to sleep.

My contractions were 3 minutes apart so I woke DH up the second time with a little more urgency. DD was born 2 hours later.

He did tell me I was a goddess while I was pushing in the birthing pool, so he's been forgiven, but it's fun to remind him of that one on occassion.

constantreader Tue 12-May-09 01:40:04

my dh has asked the mw all 3 times - 'what time will the baby be born?' FFS

with dd ( 2nd labour) he arrived at 3am (I'd been in since 4pm the day before after beng induced, he was home with ds1) and barely looked at me before asking mw what time the cafe opened for breakfast as he was starving. He then proceeded to find said cafe, and came back up to the room with coffee and a ^hard boiled egg^. It was stinking. Idiot.

When I was screaming in agony, he told me to 'calm down, for God's sake! You're making a show of yourself!' angry

It actually makes me mad remembering it.

With ds2, it was a dream labour, I had a fantastic epidural which meant that for the first time in 9 months I was not in searing pain from SPD. I was very relaxed. The delivery was wonderful, and actally dh was miles better. Except when the docs asked him to hold one of my legs back as I prepared to push, he decided this made him queasy and couldn't help. Hopeless. All the staff found him hilarious, like they thought he was joking - he wasn't. After ds2 was born, dh weas wandering in and out of the room, and every time he caught sight of my nether regions, the placenta etc and all the stuff that goes on down there he loked decidedly putrid. Fair enough, I suppose....

He's a great dad though, just not so useful in the delivery room...

Pawslikepaddington Tue 12-May-09 02:43:12

What is it with the unsympathetic midwives? I got (after being in labour for *26 hours* and not being given pain relief bar cocodomol, as "two other women have had epidurals"-um, I think they have come AND GONE by now!!!) "can you please stay calm with your contractions-it is making another lady nervous. You are not in control of your pain are you?". NO, I AM NOT!!!!

phdlife Tue 12-May-09 04:39:54

while I'm in transition, dh (standing well back with arms folded): "yeah, she's always been rubbish at vomiting."

thanks, dh.

SheDancesTheFlamingo Tue 12-May-09 05:40:30

Really "enjoying" this thread.
This one is on behalf of my best friend, whose inept DH was relegated to only menial tasks, like passing the flannel and lip salve, to keep him out of trouble during her long and arduous labour.
She recounts that, during a particularly intimate examination by the midwife in the early stages, when the MW announced to my friend "I'm just about to part the labia", her DH absent-mindedly asked "would you like the lip-salve now?"

SemperEadem Tue 12-May-09 08:23:48

This wasn't my dh but my 'helpful' midwife:

24 hours into a 39 hour labour (ds was back to back and nobody realised)and I had said that I needed an epidural:

We didn't have epidurals in my day - you just had to get on with it shock

and also:

there was a woman in here last week, she didn't come in until she was 6cm dilated, she did it all on her own, her dh wasn't there as he was a farmer and had too much to do - thats the sort of lady that makes being a midwife easy.

I felt like saying fuck her and fuck you (didn't obviously)! I was in agony as had been back to back all the way through and ended up with episiotomy & forceps.

nice eh?

ridingjoker Tue 12-May-09 08:37:13

"omg is that a needle", "i cant bear to watch them put that in" "can you not just try without pain relief. i cant watch them give you anymore morphine/induction/epidural"

"i need a shower" when my friend arrived. and he promptly buggered off home for a shower and quick nap and check on his businesses, leaving me mid labour.

thank goodness for my friend handing me sick bowl after sick bowl too. was throwing up everywhere after the epidural. ds dad "cant watch this its disgusting"

needless to say he's now EX.

this is one on behalf of my sister- she was 15 days over due with her daughter, (mad rush had to keep putting her induction back) she has very small hips,
and her bloke is less than useless (he said after this has all been bit much for me think i will go home and c u tomorrow, this said 30 mins after birth and 3 oclock in afternoon, needless to say i had word idiot aaarrrggghh)
anyway she had been pushing for ages and started crying and saying didnt feel as tho getting anywhere etc. the midwife SLAPPED her thigh and said come on girl think ur getting lazy women do this everyday!! (bitch!!)
my sis then asked to get the doc, who then said what on earth r u doing trying to get her to get this baby out naturally its a biggun, so emergancy c sec it was (such a rush that she had to b knocked out totally) she came round frm the annisethic (sp) while being stitched up, and lost a huge amount of blood!
needlees to say she complained with a very strong letter after birth (as this lot was just the tip of the iceberge!)
god what us women do eh these men have an easy job!!

santapaws Tue 12-May-09 09:12:10

My Dh was ok during my labour, just kept announcing that we were at def con 1,2,3,4 as the labour progressed hmm

My friends dh is the dippiest bloke i know and when she was in labour, she was laying on the bed and the conversation went like this..

friend: Go and get the midwife
Husband: The what?
friend: The midwife! The nurse!
Husband: What does she look like?
friend: Just go and get a midwife, any midwife will do, just go!

He went out to find a midwife, comes back claiming he cant find one, she said" I'll go my bloody self!", she struggled off the bed, and nearly crawled to the door and out to find a midwife (who was and had been for the last 20 mins just outside the door) and when they went back into the room, he'd climbed on the bed and fallen asleep in about 30 seconds!

MarkStretch Tue 12-May-09 11:00:45

I used to be an Emergency Call Taker for the Ambulance Service.

One day a man called asking for an ambulance for his wife who was in labour. From the mooing sounds and the 'I NEED TO PUSH' I could hear it was quite obvious she was near to delivering so I began giving him birthing instructions to assist his wife.

Half way through he said to me 'Sorry, hang on a minute..', turned to his wife and shouted 'WILL YOU BLOODY SHUT UP I'M ON THE PHONE!'


crankytwanky Tue 12-May-09 11:04:03

FfreckleFface, my bloke had "fun" with the birthing ball too while I was being induced-he amused himself by playing keepy-uppy with the thing.
He then bought some TV time on the Patientline thingy, and when it was time for me to go into the pool room, at 5cm, he complained that Match of the Day had just started!

Generaly, he was fab though!

Rollmops Tue 12-May-09 11:29:26

There is a fabulous African tribe that has most wonderful birthing traditions that are ever so strictly followed, due to, I suppose, the local ladies unwavering support...grin
When a woman goes to labour, her husband is gently led to the neighbouring hut and asked to lie down. Then a long piece of string is tied around his manhood, the other end of which is given to his wife, labouring in the hut next to his. . . envy
Methinks an urgent revival of some of those wonderful ancient traditions is long due. hmm

laurielou Tue 12-May-09 12:05:36

I'm lurking here finding out what maybe to expect as I'm currently TTC. I'm torn between hysterics & reaching for the contraception!

When my mum went into labour with my sister, dad asked her to trim his hair first as it was getting a bit long.

When my DP began making his appearance into the world a month early his dad told his mum to keep her legs together. They're now divorced.

Reading this, with idiots on both sides of the family it doesn't really bode well for me, does it?

redqueen45 Tue 12-May-09 13:00:03

God these are great. Like yr African traditions, Rollmops, though we'd all end up as 1 child families; I certainly would have pulled hard enough to bring said appendage flying through wall in labour No1!!
My lovely DH isn't too bad, but I've never let him forget that in labour No 1 (homebirth, posterior, trapped uterine nerve... NASTY) he started to dismantle & repair the Hoover?! And in subsequent labours (yes potty enough to have another 3) he NEVER SPEAKS to me. Not a word. Think it's panic really, but on No.3 drive to hospital I joked I wish I'd come by taxi, least bit of conversation would have taken mind off early stages. No joking on No4 drive/mad dash though, far too bad sad

toddlerama Tue 12-May-09 13:52:50

DH in theatre scrubs at first elective c-section, decides to muse on how good he looks in these clothes and maybe he should become a doctor? Might take a bit long though... The midwives looked at each other and both burst out laughing. At the second section with DD2, he asks "Will I get to wear the special clothes again?" whilst I'm getting robed up! He has a special way of making it all about he was trying to take my mind off things. smile

StewieGriffinsMom Tue 12-May-09 14:21:22

I was induced with DD2 15 days late. We go in at 11 and nothing much happen. Watch Star Wars 4&5. About 5:30, the MW decides to send me for the night. A student MW wanders past and asks to examine me. I said yes, no contratctions and she had been sweet all day. She panics and runs out as I am 5 cm dilated. Consultant comes in and says I can't have the baby that night as there were no beds.

MW throws him out of the room and decides to break my waters while the student MW is sent to get the epidural ready. Labour lasted just 3.5 hours. The first hour, DH talked to the MW about his PhD. Then I decided to watch Casualty to take my mind off the contractions.

DH finally notices and turns the channel as 'Casualty would depress me'. His choice: a documentary on the Rwandan genocide. Apparently, this wouldn't depress me?

Student MW put casualty back on.

marymungoandmidge Tue 12-May-09 14:39:54

After waking at 4.30 am with strong contractions with Baby No 2 and telling my DH; he suggested I lie down as I couldn't be sure...and even tried to put the bedclothes back over me!!!...I said something very rude, which he was worried might wake my Mother (who was staying)...I then INSISTED (in no uncertain terms) that he take me to hospital...we arrived at 5.30 am and I was 9cms arrived at 6.15! Respect !grin

foxinsocks Tue 12-May-09 14:41:47

whilst I was giving birth at Queen Charlottes when Jeffrey Archer was in Wormwood Scrubs temporarily and dh permanently stuck to the window...

'I think I can see him. I think I can see Jeffrey Archer. I think it might be him...hang not sure. Oh that might be him. I think it might be him'

<repeat ad nauseum>

betterthanlife Tue 12-May-09 14:48:08

DH was great except for the 'it helps if you actually breathe in the gas and air instead of taking the thing out to swear'. No shit sherlock.

MW on the other hand: After arriving at hospital at 9am 5cm dilated -'but you can't have the baby today - its unlucky (Friday 13th)' and I had a baby last year, it almost killed me. Really not helping.

poshsinglemum Tue 12-May-09 15:56:01

Just before I went into hospital my dad told me to be good!
Mum and dad also phoned me upo whilst in labour in hospital. The stupid mw passed them over.
They always have been a bit toxic in the totally clueless way. What did dad think I was going to do- go out clubbing? whilst waiting for dd to pop out? hmm

oh yes I'd forgotten, as I was in very fast intense painful 2nd stage at about 9.30 pm, baby clearly very nearly with us, I got 'can't you wait till after midnight, it's my mum's birthday tomorrow and it would be a nice present for her' !!

loobylu3 Tue 12-May-09 16:05:22

This thread is hilarious!
When I realised I was in labour the first time, DH was at the gym. I called him to say I was in labour. He said 'I haven't finished my workout, do you mind if I do the weights!' I was actually quite relaxed and agreed but when he came home and took a leisurely shower, fiddled around with the baby car seat, etc I started to loose my rag! I have to admit he was actually excellent from then onwards. I think because I wasn't screaming in agony, he thought I wasn't in labour!
Third time round he also didn't believe I was in labour, took half an hour to get up from bed and then checked if he couldn't go to a conference in London which he was supposed to attend that day! I also got told to 'give it some welly' as if I wasn't trying hard enough and shortly after that delivered a 9lb 2oz baby OT (ie the wrong way round)!

Rhubarb Tue 12-May-09 16:09:14

"I suppose a quick shag is out of the question then?"

Actually not a rl quote I hasten to say! My dh fell asleep whilst I was in labour with dd.

I had ds at home and everytime I had a contraction I would grab hold of him, after a bit he did say "Could you stop doing that please? It's getting a bit annoying."

I can't remember my response but it was fairly strong! grin

woodstock3 Tue 12-May-09 16:11:38

(leaning over the screen bit during my c-section to provide a running commentary on what was going on) - dh said at one point excitedly:
"ooh! i can see them cutting through through your stomach - there's LOADS of fat!"
(brief pause)
"it's all yellow! honestly, it looks like whale blubber!"
(followed by surgeon, thank merciful god, saying firmly that he should get out of the way
dh says now he was only trying to take my mind off it and he thought id find it interesting hmm

Flamesparrow Tue 12-May-09 16:29:07

Loving Nuneaton

shock @ the company Nappyzone!

My DH was nice and usefully quiet for most of them. With DD he did as me if he should go to work for a bit or not.... I was in labour for the first time in my life, how the hell do I know if he should go to work or not!?!?

I remember both my midwife and quite a few friends being horrified that I filled the birth pool during labour with DS, but that was my choice to pass the time - I kept stopping midway for contractions

My dad called when I was in labour with DD saying he was just passing the hospital, should he pop in for a visit? We are not a close and huggy father and daughter.... No.

I do feel sorry for the tired DH's though - yes, I know we are tired from the work of it all, but if you were up for 30 hours straight watching someone you love in pain, I'm fairly sure you'd be wiped out too.

"he developed a belief in the analgesic properties of Haribo tangfastic...he tried to make me eat one during every contraction." pmsl!!!!

Flamesparrow Tue 12-May-09 16:30:25

Bitch midwives have actually gotten much kinder over the years...

My gran was told not to scream or cry because she didn't during the conception. The baby was the product of rape .

Rhubarb Tue 12-May-09 16:31:23

Flamey - It took me a while then to work out that you were filling the pool with water and not with something else!

Flamesparrow Tue 12-May-09 16:32:16


We had no hose or anything, so I filled the thing with a washing up bowl going back and forth to kitchen sink

Rhubarb Tue 12-May-09 16:37:35

I shopped at Morrisons and baked a cake whilst in labour with ds. I was miffed that I didn't get to do the icing for the cake though.

After he was born we all sat around and ate it!

sammyd117 Tue 12-May-09 17:02:21

birth of DD happened a lot more quickly than we thought and there wasn't enough time to get to the hospital... DH called 999, the operator asked: "can you see the head?" to which DH replied "I don't know, where do I look??"

Flamesparrow Tue 12-May-09 17:27:10

I have plans for baking during this labour

BikeRunSki Wed 13-May-09 08:38:09

"I think might go to bed and get some for a few hours".

I was wrapping up Ebay parcels in the middle of the night with contractions 6 mins apart for DH to post the next day. DS came 2 weeks early on a Sunday night.

Reginamygina Wed 13-May-09 10:29:06

Dp and I in the lift to the labour ward, me in full blown labour.

Dp gets the camera out:

"Give us a smile!".

For DD2 (38 minute labour):

Me: "call the midwife I want to push!"
Dp: "no you don't".

michymama Wed 13-May-09 11:22:48

I love this thread !!!
I was having contractions and midwife told DH to talk to me and keep my mind of things.
So he said "I spoke to my mum before, everything is ok at home although the cat has been run over and is dead " shock

thell Wed 13-May-09 11:43:19

Nooo, Michymama!! shock

Nuneaton is still my favourite grin

My Dh was pretty fab - the only thing that still makes me laugh was that he was caught off guard because after a long long day of minor contractions and basically no dilation, the midwife who visited to examine me (home birth)broke my waters, as there had been some hind-water leak already. Cue very sudden descent into active labour with strong contractions very close together. DH had been out of the room making the MW a cuppa whilst all this was going on grin

DH: Thell, your friend Jen is on the phone - would you like a chat with her?
ME: (incredulous look) ..pant pant^..No..^pant pant..Can't..
DH: (confused look, pause) Are you sure you don't just want to say Hello ?
ME: (death stare) NO.

poor man!

mrsrawlinson Wed 13-May-09 11:49:57

Astonishing the number of you who are "Loving Nuneaton". You wouldn't be saying that if you lived here, trust me. Terrific thread, by the way.

poshsinglemum Wed 13-May-09 12:42:04

After the birth the midwife told me not to hold thh baby too much as she would cry whenever I left the room. hmm When I disagreed she told me ''Well I've had three of them so I know what I'm talking about. ''

During labour I had another bitch midwife who tried to ask me about my medication which I was no longer taking. (It was on my notes)She asked me if I was planning to go back on it in the future- completely irrelevant to labour! It was no longer an issue but I didn't want to be reminded of my past illness. She practically stalled my contractions.

lil Wed 13-May-09 13:43:27

pmsl "horse - imagine getting the head out"

dh pretty cool actually, but I got quite high on the gas 'n air and right at the end I refused to give the gas tube back, and had it gripped between my teeth, breathing in and out. But when I screamed /mooed with pain it echoed down the gas pipe. Another mw then came in and snatched it off me shouting " the whole ward can hear you!"blush

still loving this thread.
Just want to add my other one which I have said on another thread. After ds was born,the mw lovingly handed him to me all wrapped up and said here is your beautiful little boy, to which dh and I looked at each other and said to the MW,

well lets face it, he looks like a potato

MW looked horrifed as dh and I fell about laughing

He was gorgous too just kind of like a potato. We still call him potato/spud now

LauritaR Thu 14-May-09 14:08:33

When I was breathing in and out on the gas 'n' air my husband said, "Luke, I am your father."

Also, why is it that anaestatists insist on asking you, "Can you feel that?" RIGHT when you're in the middle of a contraction? Mine got rather a$$y with me and received a very strongly lifted finger in his general direction.

And BTW - My midwife went to take a nap, too! She went into a cupboard and no one could find her. I'm wondering if we all had the same midwife. St George's in Tooting, anyone?

steph69 Thu 14-May-09 14:18:58

My first birth was 46 hours and quite tedious! Quite near the end I had really had enough and was insisting on wanting to get up and just go home! After I had decided that may not be the best option, my dh took my hand, gazed in to my eyes and said " Don't forget Darling, no gain" ! Enough said!

gigismummy Thu 14-May-09 15:02:06

I was in full-on contractions and my DP said 'where are my slippers, can you look for them'?

MummyDragon Thu 14-May-09 18:42:28

To turn this on its head: as my DD's head was crowning, I turned to DH and said, "did you remember to put the new tax disc on the car windscreen?" (it was the end of the month).

To this day I have noooooo idea why that popped into my head at that moment.

He hadn't remembered, btw.

troutpout Thu 14-May-09 18:52:46

'i'm feeling a bit faint'

genghisthecat Thu 14-May-09 19:57:15

My second daughter was a planned home birth - but a last minute dash to the hospital (because my MW wouldn't believe I was in labour) meant we got home and found no midwives there to meet us even though we were told they would be. When DH phoned my midwife (who was about a 5 minute drive away at the time)to tell her I was contracting every minute she said "tell her to breathe through the contractions and not to push" She then went off dutyand didn't answer her phone and DH delivered my daughter on his own. So he's my hero - I thought about suing the lazy MW cow! Even the other MWs when they arrived were a bit shocked at that one.

Blimey genghis - it takes a lot to shock me these days but shock shock shock!

In the middle of a contraction after hours of labour with virually no dilation, my DH told me (in a tone of voice that made me want to hit him) "darling, it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better".

I recall vividly bellowing back at him "remember that conversation about things NOT to say to me in labour? That was one of them".

halfwayupthestairs Thu 14-May-09 20:19:21

My DH said he was too tired to go & fill up my water bottle & that if I really wanted it I'd get it myself - too tired to argue, I did. I gave birth 8 minutes later...

In one of the post-natal visits, the midwife asked how it was all going & he went off on one about how tired he was looking after our other 2 children (something I'd done every day prior to the birth). She just looked at him, incredulous - she was great.

MrsFiddleback Thu 14-May-09 20:56:40

I gave birth to my fourth daughter at home. My other three children were at home, and I went into heavy labour when it was their story time. I begged my OH to ring the midwife. He said he'd do it after he'd finished the chapter of the book he was reading them. I was crawling round the next room by the time he had finished. He helped me upstairs, put them to bed and rang up.

Midwives arrived with gas and air - which they couldn't get to work. I was being very stoical as I didn't want to alarm the children crowding round outside the (closed) door. OH came to me with a message from my eldest "Mummy can you hurry up, we're getting a bit bored waiting!'.

After my pain relief free labour was finished, the baby delivered safely and the midwives had gone, my OH told me that he could see exactly why the gas and air wouldn't work, as they were screwing the tubes up wrongly - but that he HADN'T LIKED TO INTERFERE!!!!!!!!!!

milky1965 Thu 14-May-09 21:47:51

hee hee, fab thread. Nuneaton
driving dh's car when waters broke, I pulled up and told him and he shouted "GET OUT, GET OUT, you're driving my car!"
After 40 hours in labour was still only 3cm dilated so finally gave in to an epidural and was started off, DH called me a wimp!
Sat reading newspaper in delivery suite, moaning about chair/tired/hungry/cr*p tv etc.
Nothing was happening so my Consultant was called in, after 49 hours finally gave birth to our long awaited for IVF baby. When I asked what it was he said "it's a f*ing baby you divvi"
6 months later, on my way to see the consultant, he told me I had pood all over during the birth but hadn't wanted to upset me by telling me at the time!!

drlove8 Thu 14-May-09 21:55:37

my ex-h said as he held our first, before id delivered the placenta-" well , you know what to do for next time!". MW nearly punched him! lol.....grin

ladylush Thu 14-May-09 22:02:38

MW - You're not pushing properly.
Me - So how should I push?
MW - Like you're doing a poo
Me - Er.......not helping hmm

Wish she'd bloody pushed off.

I've just arrived in hospital, domino delivery, in desperate need of gas & air.... DH: "can I get the rugby on this TV" MW: "probably, let me find the remote control and I'll put the kettle on so you can have a cup of tea with your sandwiches".... WTF? (DD born 20 mins after this exchange....)

jmacon Fri 15-May-09 01:06:41

During 'transition' of ds2 he turned and whispered to me' I've a terrible feeling somethings gonna go wrong' WTF!!!!! Thankfully it was a great birth from 3cm dilated to born in 44 minutes!

troutpout Fri 15-May-09 06:24:10

oh just remembered...
dh: ' oh...the car won't start...i'll have to get J(mate) around to jumpstart it
Me: (panting and between contractions)'you have got to be fucking kidding!!'

katymouse Fri 15-May-09 09:35:16

Rading these, I am so glad I decided not to let DP anywhere near for duration, my mum was brilliant and far more use.

Naetha Fri 15-May-09 12:22:07

These are all awesome!!

When I was deciding whether to go back to hospital or not after 12 hours of back to back labour, I was getting DH to time the contractions using some website where you press a button to start, and press a button to finish. He kept on messing it up, and pressing the button at the wrong time or just not pressing it - after 15 minutes of "oh I missed that one - let's wait for the next contraction" I just said "sod it, I'm going!".

Then a couple of hours later on, I'd just gone from 1st stage to second, and the midwife decided that I "wasn't focusing" and took my G&A away from me for the whole of the rest of the labour. I was finally allowed it back for when they sewed up my tear.

Pixel Fri 15-May-09 13:17:35

Mrsfiddleback, I read your post out to Dh last night and he looked very smug and said "good job you had me". During my first labour the G&A connection broke (probably due to me clinging desperately to it blush) and the midwife was dithering about so Dh took charge and went marching off to find another part to fix it. It felt like he'd been gone ages and I nearly took his hand off when he handed it over!

When I started contractions I had a couple of paracetamol and ran a warm bath while I waited to go into hospital. DH said 'oh well, while you're in there I might as well clean the bathroom'. WTF hmm? He did as well, floor to ceiling (apart from the inside of the bath obviously).

MrsWeasley Fri 15-May-09 16:24:39

24 hours into first labour (in which DH was been asleep for a lot of the 24 hrs)
"Are you going to be much longer, I'm getting a bit tired!" shock LOL

Homebird8 Fri 15-May-09 18:02:32

End of labour at home with DS2 when as I made my first push my waters went, all over DH.

"Ooh, it's all warm... oh no, it all cold and sticky. MW could you pass me some dry shorts from that drawer"

Was he really going to change there and then? DS2 born 5 mins later.

charitygirl Fri 15-May-09 18:14:03

'don't snap at me'

shelleylou Fri 15-May-09 18:16:30

I'm going pub tonight angry

About 30hrs into my first labour, DH asked me if I wanted him to swing me round by my ankles to see if the G-force would make the baby descend hmm, oh yeah thanks, cos I'm not in any dicomfort or anything. During my C-section with DS2 my very weird anesthetist first asked me if this was my first baby, when I replied 'no second' he exclaimed 'What! By the same father!'. Then while they were stitching me up he asked me when I was having the next one, it was quite a traumatic op and I was at that 'never doing that again' stage, to which he replied 'no, you'll have another, once a women's had me she always comes back for more' then winked, said 'see you in a couple of years babe' and left!shock Errr okaaaay freak!grin

philopastry Fri 15-May-09 19:31:34

My DH didnt start off well - he forgot to bring my hospital bag from the car and when I asked where it was he said 'Oh I though you had it' (I was 7 cm dilated on arrival, erm no , just this once I thought you might carry it for me)

Also he and the MW sat and ate all my labour food (brazil nuts) while I was close to giving birth - and had the cheek to complain that I hadn't bought something nicer - then proceeded to discuss what they really fancied eating 'Mmm salt and vinegar crisps would've been good...or some green pringles...' etc

Final insult he actually used the phrase 'come on love, it's like shelling peas' - I can't believe he said that - in his defence nor can he, he says he was trying to make me laugh [hmmm]

I am not planning to have any more kids but if I do would want to take my mum with me for the labour. But DH would seriously sulk, he thinks he did a great job bless!

chubbleigh Fri 15-May-09 19:50:35

This is a show stopper.... after the event... "it was worse for me than it was for you!" What? After after an 18 hour labour and an emergency section with doctors screaming and throwing things and people out of the theatre.
He had a great time with the gas & air before hand, like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet, he then lay down on the floor in the delivery suite and went to sleep with his head in a rucksack for a couple of hours.
He is now XDP - God love him!

Dodgypins Fri 15-May-09 21:30:13

Well I have to own up to my own inappropriate comment.

After about 30 hours of boring slow labour.. things began hot up.. and the MW offered me gas and air.. and then said..oh dear it doesn't seem to be working.

OH gets out trusty swiss army knife.. and "fixes" it... after a couple of blasts I turned round and snuggled up to him and whispered.. " God I feel randy.. do you think they would notice?"

Do you think he adjusted it to too much gas and not enough air?

Son was born an hour later.. so probably a good job he didn't take me up on the offer.. would have been a bit crowded down there!!

benbon Fri 15-May-09 21:58:34

oh yes another gem my husband came out with.. before labour had even started and we were trying everything in our power to get it going he suggested " have an alcholic drink as it dilates your pupils it might dilate something else aswell"!!!

my husband is a plonker...grin

DamonBradleylovesPippi Fri 15-May-09 22:02:44

this threadis an eye opener - thankfully it's not just me and ny booby prize of an husband wink.

I'm going to add that dh was clearly disappointed that I didn't do it all natural with dd2 (epidural) like I did with dd1.
I remember to this day the disappointed face when I asked for one, he didn;t dare saying anything because he could feel the daggers coming

'I know you are a bit crampy but there is no need to be rude!'

<when I said I didn't actually give a fuck that my groaning was putting him off his crossword>

dontwanttobeIDd Sat 16-May-09 10:59:28

As we left for the hospital at 8.30pm, dh starts unnecessary conversation with neighbour regarding the possible need for trimming of garden hedge. I am contracting every 3 minutes at this point, it is pouring with rain. (He had already delayed departure to prepare himself a "snack" to take with us in case he got hungry).

Struggle through the london traffic, almost reach hospital, and he stops car again and jumps out. When I protest, he says he needs to buy the newspapers, for something to read...

We get to hospital at 9.15pm. Asks me if I can run across carpark as nowhere to park near entrance. Still pouring with rain - I hobble across car park and squelch into maternity block looking like a drowned rat.

Arrive in labour ward, and he spreads his newspapers and picnic ON THE DELIVERY BED. Offers the midwife a sandwich, and asks, chattily "Have you worked here long?"

I ask, quite loudly, for the newspapers and picnic to be removed as I need to PUSH!!

Ds was born at 10pm.

Ninkynork Sat 16-May-09 12:32:36

PMSL at, "a bit crampy" grin

bubblagirl Sat 16-May-09 12:37:01

told his dad i waas ok just a bit of mild back pain shock i was crawling round the floor in agony lol

with ds1 ex-p said to me
"Now come on i have been here all day, don't you realise I have been stuck here since 6am"

errr yeah this is me in the fcuking bed!!


"Come on we can do this, we can have this baby quicker"


"I think you need to get dressed people can see you"

My blood pressure had shot up i was over heating and had stripped off totally, there were a group of workmen outside watching ds1 being born LOL.

then when he got annoyed with me..

"Is that what you want? do you want another scar?"

to which my sister replied

who the fuck is going to be looking at her crotch to see it?

and i started laughing out popped ds1.

DP with ds2 after i screamed at him
You ever touch me again and I will kill you

"oh babe you know you love me come on give me a cuddle and i will go and collect your mum"

And off he went leaving me with 3 paramedics and a 3 minute old ds2...mind you i only had a 4 1/2 minute labour lol and he was born at home.

SouthMum Sat 16-May-09 13:01:00

Me - sent home from hosp for only being 1cm dialated but had been in slow labour for 10 hours already. Cue me crying as thought it was it but now have to wait, in alot of pain and very scared.

DP - "christ I need a drink to calm my nerves"

Oh and "would a McDonalds cheer you up? I know I'd like one" just after I'd had a chat with Armitage and Shanks due to the pain

I can laugh now....

Ninkynork Sat 16-May-09 13:02:45

Forgot to post mine just, it was a MW to another during a shift-change.

"Don't be alarmed, Ninky finds it helpful to make so much noise and to swear". DH was cringing in the corner but I wanted to get off the bed and shake her I was so angry! Good job she was leaving.

ironmum Sat 16-May-09 21:29:40

When I was in labour with DC2 there were a quite a few of us being pretty vocal on the delivery suite.

I was crawling around on the floor moaning.

DH sitting in a chair eating Hula Hoops and reading a magazine pipes up

"It's like a bloody chimp house in here!" hmm

LilianGish Sat 16-May-09 21:49:47

"I do" - In reply to the question by a passing doctor "Does anyone here speak German?" DH promptly disappears to act as interpreter for couple having baby in the next room! I wouldn't have minded, but I was giving birth in France so might have needed some help with translating myself.

lilian LOL bet you wanted to batter him didn't you lol

tattifer Sun 17-May-09 08:52:11

How about in the second day of labour with first girl (at home) "can we listen to some of my music now?"

pavlovthepregnantcat Sun 17-May-09 08:54:30

If I go get some pizza will you eat some with us? [us being him and our best friend who was also at the birth]

babybarrister Sun 17-May-09 19:30:49

I had brought some banana chips with me to help keep up my energy. DH emptied whole lot into one of those papier mache sick buckets and sat munching them in the corner. It was like someone eating popcorn very loudly in the cinema when you are sucking the G & A for all it is worth .... fucking irritating and I told him in no uncertain terms where he could put the said banana chips ...

thesilverlining Sun 17-May-09 19:50:51

mine kept saying "shhhhh you are REALLY loud!" shock


thesilverlining Sun 17-May-09 19:54:21

this thread really cheered me up thanks!

PufferFish Tue 19-May-09 21:15:48

DH was fab during both of my labours ...

However - he did ring my parents (who were on holiday in America at the time) straight after the birth of DS and hand the phone to me while I was trying to deliver the placenta. My poor Dad didn't know where to put himself when I explained that the reason the conversation was so stop-start was because I was trying to expel the large afterbirth blush

EllieorOllie Wed 20-May-09 00:37:01

DH slept through my labour with DD. I was annoyed at the time but in hindsight it was distinctly preferable to the 3 hour conversation he had with the student midwife about small animal breeding while i was labouring with DS. In the end i said oh so politely 'I'm sorry, i don't mean to be rude, but could you two stop talking about dogs so that i can concentrate on pushing?'. They shut up quite quickly.

The classic comment came from the obstetrician while he was sewing me up after i gave birth to DD, strapped to the bed with my legs in stirrups.

obs 'i'm just going to pop this pain killer up your bottom'
me 'i'd really rather you didn't'
obs 'well, from where i'm standing it doens't look like you've got a lot of choice in the matter'


after a slow and grueling labor, with 8 different peoples fingers up my fanny checking on my dilation which stayed at 6cm for almost 20 hours, dh walks in after i chased him and my mum home the night before and asks'did you get a good nights rest then', wanted to throw a cardboard vomit cup at him!!!had emcs after failure to progress

ohjoyofjoys Tue 16-Jun-09 20:08:20

My DH said that "the pain was just weakness leaving the body - breathe darling!"

Have made him pay for it since!!!

pootros Tue 07-Dec-10 20:06:56

lol pottycock " little donkey"

Gogopops Tue 07-Dec-10 20:13:21

During the first stages of my labour DH was sitting in the corner doing a crossword. As I was having contractions he would call over to me 'how do you spell ......' etc. After about four of these requests I had to tell him to fuck off!! I've never let him forget that.

MrsSnaplegs Tue 07-Dec-10 20:30:35

Although this is an old thread just thought I would add the comment the MW made to my DH as I was about to deliver DD 1
"she just needs to get through this last little bit it stings a little, a bit like a grazed knee"

We laugh about it now but if I could have hit her I think I would ! Yeah stings like a grazed knee with fresh lemon juice squeezed into it maybe!

She didn't actually look old enough to have experienced puberty let alone had a baby herself!!

thunderchild Mon 13-Dec-10 21:00:59

my obstetrician, lifting my dd over the curtain during my cesarian , with the words "look, youve had one of these"9meaning girl-not baby-obvs)---- well-being a sailor-and high on morphine and pre meds, all i wanted to say was "I wasnt expecting a f"£$$ing foden truck love! I still dont know what restrained me-my husband thought I was laughing with joy, bless him!grin

loopy9 Mon 13-Dec-10 21:06:54

My DH said 'Quit you're jibba jabba you ain't hurt' and then 'you don't know the meaning of hurt' in a kind of Mr T voice...fortunately I was high as a kite on gas and air!!

Fibilou Mon 13-Dec-10 21:39:27

my DHs gem (at full dilation practically with baby coming out of flange)

"Do you want to park in the car park or on the street" grin

To be fair, I have a real thing about paying for parking, DH says he knew things were bad when I barked "pay for the bloody parking you twat"

Fibilou Mon 13-Dec-10 21:41:33

Oh and DH repeats the MWs

"if you put as much energy into pushing as shouting this baby would be born"

this annoys me intensely as DD was delivered in 4 pushes, 14 minutes after we arrived at the hospital so it's not as if I was fucking about angry

JodiesMummy Mon 13-Dec-10 21:51:23

my DH didnt say anything - he kept his walkman in so he couldnt hear me shock

Nomorerain Mon 13-Dec-10 21:58:08

I desperately told my DH to help me get my pants off as the baby's head was coming (just made to hospital) - started cracking jokes saying "that's how it all started!" Needless to say I wasn't very amused at the time.

LJBanana Mon 13-Dec-10 21:59:26

'Can I turn that fan off, I'm a bit cold!'

ReindeerBollocks Mon 13-Dec-10 22:07:16

I remember DF saying something along the lines of 'wow babe do you want to see the new app on my phone?' during one of my contractions.

I swiftly told him where I'd shove his bloody phone if he mentioned it again.

Joolyjoolyjoo Mon 13-Dec-10 22:30:16

I've posted this before, but when I was in labour with dd2 (it was a very fast, full-on labour) I was in the pool, gasping down the G&A and a looked up to see DH gazing at me, obviously about to say something.

I thought- ah, he's thinking about how well I'm doing, how proud he is of me. Then he opened his mouth and said with a smirk, "You should see your hair!! It's gone totally Monica"

medetre Mon 13-Dec-10 22:39:10

I went into labour with dd when I was out with my 13yo brother and dh was in America with work. He was surpisingly calm and helpful and was better than dh would have been had he been there. Although he says I've scarred him for life

Poppet45 Mon 13-Dec-10 22:43:06

My DH the next day, after they'd wheeled me back into a normal ward from High Dependency, and me with a smashing new scar from hip to hip, told me in great detail how much his back hurt from having to crouch down next to me during my failed waterbirth and shovel water on my back ro help with the pain. If I could lifted my head, let alone my hand I would have happily inserted my catheter into the appropriate place in his anatomy.

FunkySnowSkeleton Mon 13-Dec-10 22:54:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Not DH but the doctor....
I'm in stirrups being stitched up by the doctor after the birth of DD1..

Midwife to doc' That's LOVELY needlework!'
Doctor ..' well my hobby IS cross-stitch!'

I had visions of finding a teddy bear stitched into my bits!!

canyou Tue 14-Dec-10 00:30:13

DP don't be silly you are not in labour you have weeks yet I am off to work.
Fortunately a pregnant woman casualty vomited all over him and one of his friends popped in to get his spare uniform believed me and delivered DD.
We emigrated such was his shame grin

HollyBollyBooBoo Tue 14-Dec-10 02:01:31

"Do you think you'll be done in time for me to make the cricket match tomorrow?"

PatsyPlusOne Tue 14-Dec-10 04:29:19

Not DH, but a midwife who couldn't get the gas and air to work - "Never mind, you're nearly there now anyway". My response was " that's just BRILLIANT, isn't it!" accompanied by throwing mouthpiece back at her blush. I did only have 2 more contractions then before ds popped out, but that wasn't the point!

Animation Tue 14-Dec-10 06:10:47

He kept telling me to "SHUSH."

JanetPlanet Tue 14-Dec-10 07:10:16

My DH made himself a full English breakfast while I was upstairs on my own contracting (was 5cm by the time he took me to the hospital!). When I shouted down stairs that I needed him to be with me he came up with his big breakfast and ate in on the bed in front of me!! The smell was making me feel sick so he went in the next room to eat it!!! Said he figured it was going to be a 'long day'! Still haven't forgiven him.

Mummy2LZ Tue 14-Dec-10 07:41:05

My DH looked at me when I was on all fours on the table at 10cms and told me I didnt look as good as the day he met me!!!
Luckily for him I was mid contraction and couldnt reach him!

Caron1968 Tue 14-Dec-10 07:43:54

As a student Nurse I observed one birth where the woman screamed at the man "what the fuck are you doing?" to which he replied "breathing with you darling, like we learnt at ante natal class". she replied "well fucking stop it will you".

Several minutes later we heard a loud intake of breath and a very red face husband said "sorry darling but I have to breathe to live".
Oh how we chuckled.

TinselinaBumSquash Tue 14-Dec-10 07:45:54

'Gosh this is tiring, is it likely to takemuch longer.. im knackered'

[me] - SLAP

Ormirian Tue 14-Dec-10 08:05:28



PlanetEarth Tue 14-Dec-10 09:37:35

From the midwife: "Stop screaming, you're hurting my ears!" hmm I may have replied something like, "I don't care about your &*&"% ears!" grin

DH was great on the whole. However, I went into labour on the eve of the millennium, so we were of course sitting at home missing out on all the fun. He'd suggested going up the nearby hill to watch the fireworks, and I said, "No way, I'm having contractions here!" Shortly before midnight I changed my mind and said, "Let's go," so off we went with DH charging ahead up the rather steep hill to make sure he didn't miss anything hmm while I struggled behind and had to call him back to help me. Haven't let him forget that one.

No more contractions till the next morning, the fireworks must have scared the baby away grin.

Numberfour Tue 14-Dec-10 09:41:25

i held his hand and squeezed (hard) while pushing and he shook his hand and said "Ow".

To be fair, I did bend his wedding ring.

CerealOffender Tue 14-Dec-10 09:43:07

'i am just popping out to update your sister'

me - wtf!

YeahBut Tue 14-Dec-10 09:48:40

"Hang on a minute until I finish this email..." hmm

littlerats Tue 14-Dec-10 09:54:26

they had to cut my ds out in the end (episiotomy) as they were concerned about his heartrate and DP watched and when they did it, put his hands to his mouth, eyes wide with terror and shouted "oh my god, it looks like you've been shot, it's all just gaping out".

Lavenderboo Tue 14-Dec-10 09:57:32

Having just been induced waiting for things to finally get moving DP loving strokes my head and says 'Oh look your first grey hair!', and promtly yanks it out my head.

It was neither the time nor the place.

santasbluebaubles Tue 14-Dec-10 09:59:51

"there's no need for both of us to be awake" whilst settling himself down in the chair woth a blanket.

To say I was not amused is an understatement.

I need antibiotic cover in labour and the hospital completely fucked it up and gave me the wrong dose. I was green, convulsing and vomiting and I heard DH say to the nurse 'Is she going to be brain damaged?'

I could have killed him.

Fluffymonster Tue 14-Dec-10 10:44:11

When I was doubled up in pain from contractions, rocking in absolute agony:

"Only another 12 hours to go." (Having been told somewhere along the pregnancy how long the 'average' labour lasts.)

mateysmum Tue 14-Dec-10 10:45:38

Dh..."Tell me how it hurts, is it like when you stub your toe"

Yeh exactly!!!

HelenLG Tue 14-Dec-10 10:48:42

'Oh is it happening now?'

In reponse to having been on syntocinon for 11 hours...

bunkers Tue 14-Dec-10 11:08:06

My labour had to be monitored with dd2. DH was watching the machine printing out my labour activity and he kept telling me when I was having a contraction. hmm

He also kept comparing my 2nd labour with my first, with comments like "oh, you didn't make as much noise as this last time"

GoingToCatchABigOne Tue 14-Dec-10 11:45:38

I woke him up at about 7.30am after having contractions all night.
He then asked me how long it would be before I wanted to go to hospital as he really needed to STRAIGHTEN HIS HAIR!
He also weed all over the toilet seat and bathroom floor, with his excuse being that he was so nervous his hands were shaking and he couldn't aim!

After that he was really good, as he was instructed to not speak unless spoken to, do whatever he was told, and do it quick!

whensteaready Tue 14-Dec-10 12:17:48

My DH insisted on steam cleaning the carpets as my waters had broke on them. I was contracting like crazy and eventually I screamed "turn that fucking thing off" He then took me to the hospital where I discovered I was the full 10cm (this was my first)

Porcelain Tue 14-Dec-10 12:46:32

Not so much a saying thing but:

After 2 days in labour at home I went into hospital with a distressed baby and got put on a synto drip. I managed for a few hours then tried gas and air which didn't help at all (it made it worse as I couldn't concentrate). While the midwife was out looking for an anaesthetist DH decided he wanted a go on the gas and air, and collapsed into a fit of giggles. I then went into my next contraction, took in loads of gas and air and promptly "whitied", serious projectile vomiting everywhere. DH apparently was trying to find a sick bowl, but from my perspective, he got up and ran away giggling like a loon.

We laugh about it now hmm

nannynobblystockingnobs Tue 14-Dec-10 13:24:36

I wish I had time to read this whole thread!
My DH was great, it was the midwives who made me do this face hmm
"ooh, don't push now, you shouldn't be pushing" I can't fucking help it! DD2 was born in 14 minutes and I had an hour of stitching.
The MW who stitched me kept saying "nearly done" when she was clearly nowhere fucking near. I breathed continuous gas and air for the whole hour and was screaming and crying by the end of it. "Nearly finished" my fucking arse, I could have kicked her one angry
before the screaming and crying really set in she asked me again what we'd called DD2 (to distract me from the Frankenstein job on my fanny) I shouted "PINEAPPLE!" at her.

prettymuchapixiegirl Tue 14-Dec-10 13:31:41

When I was giving birth to DD2, I had a nice 4 hour labour, and had DD2 at 2am. DH spent the whole labour moaning about being "tired". Once DD had arrived, he went off home to sleep, whilst I stayed awake all night with a crying DD. When he arrived back at the hospital the following morning, he was still tired. We got home at about 2pm, and guess what - he was still fucking tired, so went off for a lie down (!!). The house was a complete tip, so I then spent a couple of hours tidying the kitchen, cleaning and hoovering, as DH had invited loads of family members round that evening. He then spent the entire next week, which he had off work, playing on the X-box, and yes, you've guessed it, complaining about being tired.

When I was pregnant with DS, I warned him that he'd better be more helpful once DS arrived than he was when we had DD2. So DS arrives, we go home the following day, and for two days DH spends a bit less time than normal on the PC and actually does a bit of washing and runs the hoover round. On the third day, he seemed to decide that I was now ready to do household tasks again, and just left me to sort out dinner while he sat at the PC. This action ended up with us having a --screaming row-- discussion, and him shouting "I've spent the last two days doing nothing but stuff for YOU". I still remind him of that now!

susie100 Tue 14-Dec-10 13:32:54

You need to PUSH now, really loudly in my face.

Err yes thanks dear I think I have grasped that concept thank you, now fuck off.

welshbyrd Tue 14-Dec-10 13:39:05

DH asked me if I would like a sip of lucozade, to keep my energy up hmm, I replied "im going to hit you with that bottle in a minute"

2nd quote from DH "do you want to squeeze my hand dear" reply? "I want to squeeze your throat" grin

He pissed me off prior to this though, he stood up earlier on, and banged his head on a tv, free floating on a bracket, himself and midwife laughed at this, which irritated me more

I had had an epidural which was wearing off and I suddenly felt the urge to really bloody well push. You know what it's like at the very end, when you've no actual control over it, you just bear down.

After the second big push I said to DH 'honey, I really think it's time now, I am pushing, I need the midwife in here right now'

Him - 'OK.' <pats hand and smiles>


Me - '....... So.... Can you get the midwife in here right now, then?'

Him - 'what, me??' <horrified at the idea of having to go and look for someone>

DD was born 15 mins later!

Cosmosis Tue 14-Dec-10 13:48:25

Not my DH who was brilliant, but the Dr. I had a back to back labour and for some reason baby was only happy when I was lying on my left hand side, which meant I was really struggling to push. About 2 hours in to a 2.5 hour 2nd stage, the obs (who was otherwise a lovely lovely man) said to me; come on really try with this push, remember, you're trying to push out something the size of a grapefruit. hmm
Anyway, ended up with ventouse and he admitted I'd never have got ds out without it as he was stuck!

FatherChristmasatemyhamster Tue 14-Dec-10 14:01:03

While friend mid labour, friend's DP came out from using en suite loo with (clean) bedpan on head and said in dodgy American accent "Saddle up cowboy, we're gonna ride out of here". Apparently he got a look from wife, mil and mw.

SeaTrek Tue 14-Dec-10 14:10:43

I don't remember my DH saying or doing anything silly whilst I was in labour. Well, apart from when he dropped the dog off round at the ILs before me left for hospital and asked them for a coffee before he came back for me. MIL asked him how far apart my contractions were (4 mins) and then told him he could forget that coffee (40 min drive to hospital).

He was appallingly bad after I had been in hospital for 4 nights at the height of the summer and had completely had enough. I was very close to asking to have him removed from the ward (we were waiting for the billirubin test results before we could go home). I had repeatedly warned him that on day 4 PP he would need to be kinder than usual. Apparently he could do that as he was 'hot' so it was more appropriate for him to sit moaning endlessly at me. I think I did hiss at him to ** off and I would get the bus home. I have barely forgiven him now and that was six years ago (he also shouted at me in the car park becaue HE hadn't worked out how the car seat when in beforehand).

welshbyrd Tue 14-Dec-10 14:14:49

Brilliant thread - cheered me right up smile

My DP was great when I was in labour, which went on and on and on.

He was overheard by my mother however, in the early stages when I was generally being demanding and whiney saying resentfully "well, do you want me to have the baby for you?????"

backintraining Tue 14-Dec-10 14:20:44

Not in labour as such because DS had to be born by EMCS 7wks early due to pre-e.... however, as I was laid on the bed in the operating theatre, bits out and everything DH came out with a classic. When I had been admitted to hospital 2wks previously, the Paed who had been to see me was --frickin gorgeous-- quite a handsome man and I had told my friend about him when she visited me, obvously all tongue in cheek etc........ so there I was, numb from the middle down, bits out for all to see, absolutely shitting myself and said Paed walks through the door... DH: "Oooh look love, its that Doctor who you were saying you fancied so much". Brilliant!!

Nikkid21 Tue 14-Dec-10 14:43:23

Another dh who stopped for a mcdonalds drive through when mw had sent me home for a few hours. He didn't know "when he would next get a chance to eat but we would have to wait a few minutes as it wasnt a standard order."
With dd I left it a bit late to go to the hospital as I insisted on doing my accountancy exam that morning( with tens machine on). We walked into delivery suite, my water broke as we reached the room and I couldn't get on the bed. I delivered standing up with my pants round my ankles 5 mins after arriving. Mw complained that her knees were sore and that it wasn't good for her back to 'play catch' like that.

pinkhyena Tue 14-Dec-10 15:33:48

My DH was really good during it actually, apart from one moment. I was induced and labour came on very quickly, they were trying to move me from the observation ward to a delivery suite in between my contractions which were on top of each other by this point. In the middle of one contraction I wasnt able to move and was gripping the end of the bed, DH said 'come on the sooner we get into the room the sooner you can get the epidural.' I don't think I swore at him but my reply was rather strongly worded!

DH phoned the parents a couple of hours after DS was born, you know after we'd all bonded and i'd been stitched up etc. First thing MIL said was 'why didn't you let us know sooner?' sod off!!

My dad was prob the worst though, he went round telling the relatives 'oh yeah the labour was really quick and easy' right. You were there were you?? Ok it was quite quick for an induction (10 and a half hours) but the PAIN!!!! I went in with an open mind for pain relief but when they broke my waters I was begging for an epidural nothing was touching it. Git.

Shortly before leaving for the hospital - contractions were about every six mins or so - I was alternatately laying on the bed and walking around the bedroom.

All of a sudden the bedroom door opened and all my in-laws poured in, said hello, and started talking about the curtains. MIL was altering them for us, but needed to know something about the curtain pole, so they all stood around discussing for about 45 mins. Then DH rocked up and started talking about the car with his dad. All this as I was laying on the bed groaning my way through each contraction. I was trying to tell my husband that I needed to go to the hospital but MIL said it was probably false labour and that it didn't sound too bad.

At one point my FIL strongly advised DH to go to work in the morning (it was a Sunday) because they would be sure to let him know if anything was up.

I strongly advised him not to. They all cheerfully finished their small talk and left. No-one really seemed to be even entertaining the idea that I, at 39.3, could possibly be on the verge of having an actual baby!

mendipgirl Tue 14-Dec-10 16:12:56

When I woke him in the night saying "I think my waters have broken". He said, "You think they have broken? or they have broken? which is it?"

catdoctor Tue 14-Dec-10 16:18:12

me - mooing, like you do
MW - do you want some gas and air?
him - yes do something, she's making a bit of a fuss

him, years earlier to me after driving myself home from hospital having had cast put on broken arm, what was broken 3 days earlier and I'd been to work, cleaned house, dealt with animals etc etc - I hope you're not going to milk this?

and then he wants sex

charley24 Tue 14-Dec-10 16:45:36

Not my partner, but after an emergency section and my baby being born at 32 weeks weighing 2lbs and straight in an incubator, the nurse lifting me from the operating bed to a trolley said 'oh you are very heavy, maybe you should think about dieting'.....yes thanks for that my daughter was seriously ill and losing weight was not really on my list at that point. She ended up spending 31 days in SCBU and had a 5% chance of survival (many medical problems)......I did lose the weight eventually....but have never forgot how insensitive she was.

ShuffleBallChange Wed 15-Dec-10 12:54:55

Oh these have made me laugh. I'm now very grateful DH was AT AN OASIS CONCERT when DS1 was born but I am looking forward to what gems he will come out with when DC2 is born, due in 9 days hmm

whensitgunnahappen Wed 15-Dec-10 13:25:59

My best friend had her dd on the hottest day of the year, after a 48 hour labour, was in a birthing pool. her ex p held up a mirror to her face an's said "wanna see what you look like?" she kicked him out and he missed most of it!

LeQueen Wed 15-Dec-10 14:28:54

With DD1 waters broke when I turned over in bed. Hurridly got out, and stood on our (wooden) bedroom floor. You could hear the amniotic fluid hitting the floor. MrQ half woke up and asked why I was up, I replied 'My waters have broken.'

'No, they haven't' he reassured me, rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. He'd obviously been keeping his 5 years of medical training at university, followed by 2 years hopsital training a secret hmm

I hissed at him to wake up. He reluctantly got out of bed, walked round to me and prmptly slipped in all the amniotic fluid grin

LeQueen Wed 15-Dec-10 14:32:44

Oh, and when wheeled into theatre with DD1, it all got a bit nasty because they couldn't detect her heartbeat. First words out of MrQ's mouth "Hello Jim, haven't seen you since that Wonderstuff concert. I was sick down your back, remember?'

[turns out he'd been at university with the aneasthetist]

Then had to listen to them reminiscing about 'the good old days' as the surgeon sliced me open in about 20 seconds flat hmm

toadinabathingsuit Wed 15-Dec-10 14:37:07

I started having long, painful contractions. I slept on the floor all night because I wanted DH to have a good rest so he could be alert to help me/drive to the hospital (and I wasn't going to be able to sleep, anyway). In the morning he went downstairs while I was getting ready to go to hospital. When he came up, he said he had just hurt his back putting some washing in the machine (why he felt the need to do this, I don't know) and that he was in too much pain and would not be able to help me during labour. I carried my own heavy bag into the hospital and he was right, he was fucking useless. I've never forgiven him for that.

LeQueen Wed 15-Dec-10 14:52:44

My friend's DH (whilst helping her into the car, as she was doubled up in pain and mooing on their driveway at 3.30am) thought it helpful to mention 'You're looking a bit washed out, shall I nip back in and get your make up bag?'

Apparantly, she actually hit him.

toadinabathingsuit Wed 15-Dec-10 14:55:05

"Ooh look, you've done a poo, ha ha".

Yes, fucking hilarious.

LeQueen Wed 15-Dec-10 14:56:01

Oh, and when in theatre with DD2 MrQ saw fit to lean over and whisper in my ear 'Oh, look the Umpalumpas have arrived' By which he was refering to the lovely, but extremely tiny (not even 5 foot tall, she had to stand on a box at end of the operating table) surgical registrar and the equally diminuative SHO.

TottWriter Wed 15-Dec-10 17:12:29

During labour with DS my mum, brother and sister all turned up and came in to say hello. Now, this I didn't mind as they live a long way away and I hadn't seen them in months.

However, my mum then hung around, and as I'd been up since early in the morning the day before, I was too shot away to tell her to piss off. She then proceeded to tell my Dad (who had driven me to appointments throughout the pg and to the hospital as DP and I don't drive) that he may as well go home as "it will be a long time yet" He arrived home in time for a call announcing it was a boy. angry

While I was in transition and begging for a c-section or death, she offered me a plastic cup saying "have some magic water" as though I was five or so. DP has never forgiven her for ruining the birth for us both, and I'm not sure I have either.

Also, DP has been reading a few of these over my shoulder, and admitted to thinking some of them himself, but said he had the tact not to actually say anything. (thinking the episiotomy ones in particular.)

QuizteamBleakley Wed 15-Dec-10 17:25:35

LeQueen, PMSL at "Oh look, the Umpalumpas have arrived..."

Am 40+3 with PFB and whilst I can't say that my feelings of dread at the (hopefully) imminent proceedings have gone I have printed out all 14 pages of these and written a note to DP that each utterance of any of these 'quips' entitles me to kick him in the nuts! I'm sure he'll come up with his own gems...

MrsThisIsTheCadillacOfNailguns Wed 15-Dec-10 19:51:46

I went into labour with dd1 at 3.15 in the morning of my due date.I rang the hospital,who told me to come in,as my contractions went from nothing to 3 mins apart.I woke up dh,who sad that there was no need to hurry as the ante natal classes had said it would be ages yet and we should play monopoly or something to pass the time.I managed to convince him that playing monopoly wasn't the first thing on my mind and off we went.It took 15 minutes to get to the hospital and I actually ran down the corridor to the labour suite.By the time I got there I was 9cm already.DD was born pretty swiftly,but dh was most miffed that it hadn't been like they'd said at ante natal.He kept saying 'but they said it would take 12 hours or more.' 'They said there would be plenty of time for me to shower and put clean clothes on,and there wasn't.'I think he regards ante natal classes as a big swizz now.

He then rang my mum to tell her she was a grandma,and she said 'But she can't have had the baby yet,she was only in Tesco yesterday afternoon!'

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