Been feeling ill all week and then come home to this

[Lovemyshoes]

I have 2 days off work a week dh has 6 out of 10. Out of his days he goes away for 2 days fishing and does bugger all.

On my days, I invariably end up doing housework, laundry etc.

Last night I ask him if he would do some housework today as he was out all day yesterday, he said yes he would so I left it at that. I've just come home and he has done a load of washing.

His excuse????

He didn't know what needed doing, how he didn't see the following is beyond me,

Bathroom needs a wipe down and floor fettling
dd1 and dd2 bedrooms need a good tidy and vac
Our bedroom has clean laundry which needs putting in piles and putting away in appropriate place etc.
Landing needs vaccing
Living room needs vaccing & dusting and a general tidy round
kitchen floor needs cleaning
cooker needs cleaning and

I have a few plans for the weekend (dh is at work) but, know that I will have to do these with the dc as well as the uniforms, homework etc and he can't understand why i'm pissed off.

Plus, I have had a bugger of a head cold all week and feel generally crap, but, I've still managed to do things.
kitchen needs tidying

[MummyDragon]

YANBU. But, rightly or wrongly, men do seem to need to have these things spelled out in detail for them. Next time, give him a specific list of chores to do. Preferably written down, so he can cross them off as he goes along. I know you shouldn't have to do this (he's an adult etc etc) BUT if it gets the job done, it's worth it!

[sleepyeyes]

YANBU
His excuses if pathetic, print and put up a big list of everything that needs done daily, weekly, monthly. On his days off make sure he at least does some of it. With it right there in front of him he cant use the excuses.
Make it clear if he can't help within the family home then he will be doing his own washing,drying, ironing and cooking until he is willing to contribute.

Is he there now, tell him you've been working today so he can go clean the kitchen. Just because your home doesn't mean you should do all the things he was too lazy to do.

[TheCrackFox]

YANBU, if he can't be arsed tell him he has to pay for a cleaner.

[Lovemyshoes]

Mummydragon, funny you should say that, I did write him a list the first week i started working and when I got home he was really arsey with me, I asked him what was wrong and he said he felt insulted that I given him a list.

I don't know what to do now

[TheProvincialLady]

Why do you let him get away with going fishing for 2 days in every 10?

[mankyscotslass]

Ah, from bitter experience, most men don't see what needs doing.

Dh would be totally oblivious to most stuff, although does occasionally hoover without prompting. We have a self cleaning bathroom in our house.
It's not that he dosen't want to be helpful, he just needs pointing in the right direction.

He is quite happy to get on with stuff if he has a list to work through, but it just dosen't occur to him to do it without that list!

So it's a bit of both. YANBU to want him to help out, but YABU to expect him to know what you want done without you spelling it out.

If I was you I would forget about the housework this weekend, just give it a quick tidy and do the kids stuff, and get on with what you were going to do anyway.

[mankyscotslass]

x posts with yours op.

In that case YANBU!!

Tell him if he won't help he can fork out for a cleaner.

[katiestar]

Agree with mummydargon.You need to leave a list.What seems obvious to us often doesn't seem to be to men !

[MummyDragon]

Hi Lovemyshoes,

Ooh. That's interesting. Did he do any housework that first week or did he refuse? How did you handle it when he said he felt insulted? Perhaps you could just ask him to do XYZ jobs then, without writing them down?

Or perhaps you could text-bomb him every 15 minutes to ask if he's cleaned the bathroom yet ... I have done that with my DH before and it worked!

[Kimi]

YANBU do your stuff and leave his, after a week of no clean clothes or dinners he might buck his ideas up a bit

[Lovemyshoes]

Thank you all for your support.

Provincialady, I don't know how to put this across, but, I don't allow him to do things, nor does he allow me, we are quite equal in that way, etc, we both can spend times with friends, but he does go out more than me, and, If I do go out we always meet up in an hour or so.

I, on the other hand, never go out at 9am and come home at 6pm, not that I am not allowed, more like I would miss the dd's and I do not have a hobby (any hobby really) that would take me away from the house that long.

Silly question,

But, how would I go about making a rota etc (dd's do help with dishwasher etc, but alas are taking after their father and leave things for me)

[WowOoo]

Sympathies.

I came home from a week away for work and he had done bare minimum. he claimed he had been really busy in the evenings.......even though he had time to go out for drinks, watch a few fave TV progs etc. Hhhm..

[MummyDragon]

Why not sit down with your DH and say that you want to give your girls some more responsibility for household chores. Then draw up a list together, for the whole family. Ask him which jobs he particularly hates and which ones he doesn't mind doing - try to work that in to the list. I know, I know, but if it gets the job done, etc etc etc

[TheProvincialLady]

I understand what you are saying, my DH and I don't order each other about either but if you have to take responsibility for the housework and he doesn't....well, that isn't very equal is it? [understatement]

I suppose I meant why do you put up with it, rather than let him. Have you ever had a conversation about it?

I wonder if he really knows what you do? Did he have a mother who ran round picking up after him etc? My DH did and it took a long time before he knew how to keep a house clean and tidy and to cook a meal.

[LissyGlitter]

My dp does almost all of the housework, but when he moans at me for not doing my share, I don't use the excuse that I didn't know what to do or that I'm a woman and therefore stupid...I don't do much housework because I'm lazy, there is no other possible excuse (apart from maybe some kind of terrible disability that means you have to stay in bed, or being abducted by aliens or something)

Although I have no idea how to make your DH actually do it, as I keep swearing that I will do more housework to DP, then spend yet another day online, not doing anything of any use. I honestly do mean it when I say I will try harder, it just somehow doesn't happen.

[Lovemyshoes]

Thank you all for your support.

Provincialady, I don't know how to put this across, but, I don't allow him to do things, nor does he allow me, we are quite equal in that way, etc, we both can spend times with friends, but he does go out more than me, and, If I do go out we always meet up in an hour or so.

I, on the other hand, never go out at 9am and come home at 6pm, not that I am not allowed, more like I would miss the dd's and I do not have a hobby (any hobby really) that would take me away from the house that long.

Silly question,

But, how would I go about making a rota etc (dd's do help with dishwasher etc, but alas are taking after their father and leave things for me)

[Lovemyshoes]

sorry about the repeat, bad internet connection at the minute

[BlingDreaming]

The question is, did he know what needed to be done but is just trying to get out of it? or did he genuinely not think the bathroom/vacuuming etc needed to be done?

If the former - whole other thread!

If the latter, i agree that a list - verbally if not written down is key. And if the problem is that he genuinely does not see that the bathroom is dirty, then you have to negotiate - "the bathroom is dirty to me and I can't live with that so please clean it". or "okay, I can live with the bathroom being that dirty".

I think quite often women think that men choose to live in a dirtier environment where really, I think they genuinely don't realise. my DP is actually a very clean and tidy person so I know that when he isn't cleaning up behind him it's because he just doesn't realise.