to wish my so called sis would leave me alone.

[Lovemyshoes]

I am going to try and cut a long story short.

I am the youngest of 4 children. Dad died 7 yyears ago and since then I have not spoken to 2 of 3 of my siblings

My eldest sibling got in touch last night and it has shook me for 6 as we haven't spoken or had anything to do with each after what she did many many years ago (including making a play for dh who told her where to go)

In her recent e-mail she says she takes flowers to dads plaque/tree once a month she is also making out i'm not bothered because I have NEVER been to his plaque/tree etc.

I was exceptionally close to my dad, he was an amazing man/dad etc and since he died I have cried 3 times. As far as I'm concerned, if I put flowers at his plaque/tree it is admitting he is gone and I am not yet ready to accept that.

AIBU to expect so called sis to leave me alone and let me make my own decisions.

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

No, you're not unreasonable to want to make your own decisions. I would however, be concerned for you that after seven years, you are still unable to accept your father's death and find some sort of peace with it, or rather - learn to live alongside it.

[heverhoney1]

Why are you concerned what she thinks of your actions? IMHO you dont have to visit a grave /plaque to remember someone.

[Lovemyshoes]

Thanks Hecate.

I don't know what it is, I miss him every day and think and talk to him every day.

I had to arrange all his funeral, belongings and scatter his ashes alone etc.

I don't see how I can ever find some sort of peace.

[Lovemyshoes]

hh1. On anniversaries etc I always buy a bunch of his favourite flowers and put them at the side of his picture.

[chegirl]

This is a tricky issue and causes no end of problems in families.

There are many people who see visiting graves/plaques as a duty and something that MUST be done to show respect.

There are many people who do not feel the need to visit a grave or memorial because they have no sense of their loved one being there.

I have never seen my father's headstone. I love him dearly but shortly after he died my entire family moved 300 miles from where he was buried. I only live about 60miles from the cemetary but its a long way to go to look at the grave of someone who did not believe in 'that sort of thing'. I love him and have my memories of him, I dont need to prove that by visiting a town I hate and standing in a graveyard.

This does not cause a problem in my family but I am sure it would in some. I know families who have regular rows about who visits/cares the most.

I can see the problem if one person is left with all the work of maintaining the memorial but if its just a matter of visiting I think its up to the individual.

Death, funerals, graves etc can really bring out the worst in people and they are often an excuse for rows and even punch ups.

So no I dont thing YABU.

Its up to you what you do and how you feel.

I hope you can come to some sort of understanding with your siblings, if at all possible.

[2rebecca]

I loved my mum but haven't been back to the place where her ashes were placed. To me that's more associated with her death not her life. I think it's a bit creepy and morbid when people build shrines where people died or focus on where a tombstone or memorial is. I think of my mum most days and she lives on in my memory.
I would tell your sister that.
Who are the flowers at these plaques really for? My mum always said "flowers are for the living" and hated to see flowers, especially those in cellophane rotting by graves or by the roadside.