Fecking IL's (long sorry)

[mrsjoshholloway]

Bit of background... BIL and wife divorced 5 years ago. She remarried and lives abroad with their 3 children, new husband and baby. He lives 2 miles from us and we see him lots and have a good relationship with him. His ex was mentally and emotionally abusive towards him throughout their marriage. Despite this he maintains a good relationship with her (assume it's because if he doesn't she won't allow him access). They go on holidays together, she phones him daily etc etc. Don't underestimate what a bitch she was to him whilst married. He was a wreck for a long time and had a mental breakdown. We were all pleased when they split but dismayed that she still continues to be such a big part of his life. He won't talk about it and is horribly loyal to her despite everything. Unfortunately she tries to maintain this influence over the rest of us. Basically if we want to see the kids, she (and her new husband and baby) has to be there too, hence in the last 5 years she has been at MIL's 80th birthday celebrations, other BIL's engagement and subsequent wedding to name only 3 events.

Have just discovered they are on holiday here in our town just now and have been for over a week. I found this out because I have just bumped into my neice in a shop. They are leaving on Friday and SIL (BIL's sister) is coming to see them tomorrow before they leave because she knew they were here. She lives 120 miles away and we live less than 2! She can't believe they never told us they were here either. She is staying with us tonight but has been invited over there for dinner!

DH says we should invite them over here tonight for tea and I am thinking NO WAY. I can't stand ex SIL although I have always been polite to her for the sake of seeing the children. DH says I am being unreasonable and if we want to see the kids then we have to make the move, but I will not be controlled by this bitch the way she is controlling BIL/MIL and anyone else she can get her claws into. I don't mind meeting them somewhere like a park or somewhere else neutral, where I can escape but hell will freeze over before she comes into my house. If I hadn't bumped into my neice we wouldn't even have known they were here which says a lot about how much they value our relationship with our neices and nephew and their relationship with our children, their cousins. Ex SIL and I abviously share the same opinion of each other which is fine but am so pissed off that she is preventing us seeing the children, and am even more pissed off that BIL hasn't got the backbone to make some arrangements without her.

DH is making me feel like a bitch for not making the effort. But why am I the bad one? Good lord, when we go back to DH's home town we don't just hope to bump into our relatives so we can see them, we make the bloody effort to phone them in advance and arrange a meeting.

SO AIBU? Do I accept that we have no relationship with our neices and nephew? And, what do I say to BIL the next time I see him because frankly I couldn't write here what I think of the spinless bastard?

[FrankMustard]

I don't think YABU to feel how you feel but it seems a shame to forfeit any sort of relationship with the children because of how your BIL's ex wife behaves. It's up to you really, but it might be a good thing to extend the invitation and then even if things don't work out at least you know you did your best and tried to make an effort and, if nothing else, you can feel happy you had the upper hand! Good luck - let us know what you decide!

[MuffinBaker]

See the children.

Don't speak to her.

Leave your BIL alone.

[macdoodle]

"spineless bastard" !!
So I gues sthats makes all of us with controlling husbands unable to make a clean break "spineless bitches"

[Noonki]

Life is too short.

Have her round. Be polite but indifferent. Pay lots of attention to the children.

she will be gone soon.

[Noonki]

I missed the spineless bastard comment.

If any has been able to break away from a controlling manipulative relationship they are not spineless in any shape or form.

[SerendipitousHarlot]

Wow

Why is he a spineless bastard for breaking off an abusive relationship? And it sounds like he is trying to keep a good relationship with her so that he is able to be an involved father.

[mrsjoshholloway]

Ok ok sorry about the spineless bastard comment. There is a lot more going on here than I've written. I just get so frustrated with him.

I want to be a grown up and just have them round but I just cannot tolerate her and what she has done to him over the years. Ignoring her is not an option unfortunately as she is always shoving 'look at me and my happy family' in your face.

Have told dh to suggest we meet in the park this afternoon

[Flibbertyjibbet]

Having her over for tea one day does not mean you are coming under her control in any way!
She lives abroad - you won't see the children often. Its important for all the children involved that their aunts and uncles are all mature enough to keep their own feelings to themselves.
Regarding your bil, you should stop thinking for him, he may be perfectly happy for her to phone him everyday with updates on HIS children, it must be very hard for him if they live abroad.
I suspect he is 'being loyal' to her because he is the mother of his children.