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AIBU?

to expect my dp not to use bad language in front of our kids

11 replies

kaylasmum · 09/04/2009 11:06

Hi just need to know whether i'm overeacting or not. I don't like swearing in general and very rarely swear myself, i never heard my parents use bad language when i was growing up so i don't expect my kids to hear it in their own home either. My dp does'nt really swear too much but he does have a very quick temper and if we're arguing he does come out with a few choice words which i really hate. I work 2 evenings a week and a sunday afternoon, my dp looks after the kids aged 2 and 5 while i'm at work, he struggles to cope sometimes when they are playing up and last night my 5 yo dd was giving him a lot of hassle and he told her to f* off! This is actually the secod time he's said this to her, i'm shocked, i think its disgusting. He said that he did'nt mean her to hear it but that is no excuse. I've told him that if he does it again then i will leave, i know this might seem extreme but as i've said he does have a very quick temper and there have been a lot of things happen over the years and i'm at the end of my tether. I've given him these ultimatums before but never gone through with it.

The main problem about me leaving him is that the house we live in is his so i would be homeless. I have been trying for so long to keep us together but i can't tolerate him speaking to our dd like that.

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Nancy66 · 09/04/2009 11:10

That's a horrible way to speak to anybody let alone a 5year old.

I hate hearing adults use offensive language in front of little kids. Ok, sometimes something slips out - but there's a hell of a difference between stumping your toe and saying 'ouch...shit' to actually swearing AT somebody.

Heard a woman calling her kid 'a little c*nt' in Boots the other day. Nice.

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kaylasmum · 09/04/2009 11:20

I don't even like telling my kids to shut up, but i hear so many parents saying that to their kids, i think its horrible.

If you cant speak respectfully to your children what hope is there that they will ever respect you. I said this to my dp and he does understand but he needs to sort his anger problems out.

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hedgiemum · 09/04/2009 11:58

My DH is awful about swearing but he's very careful around the children. Occasionally he swears at the TV or another driver in front of them, but he understands why this isn't optimal and really tries not to. He has never sworn at any of them, even though DD1 (age 6) has the same awful temper as him and really knows how to wind him up...
Having a temper isn't an excuse for an adult to verbally abuse a child. I guess it boils down to whether he thinks he's wrong and really wants to change, or whether he shrugs his shoulders and says there is nothing he can do about his temper. You need to explain that regularly losing ones temper with DC is bad for discipline - children need well enforced boundaries. They will lose tier temper with him if he models that kind of behaviour. It took a bit of time for my DH to notice this himself, but now that he has he has really got control of himself much better.
His attitude to this is what should determine whether you stay with him, rather than an occasional swearword slipping out which he feels bad about afterwards, iyswim.

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nametaken · 09/04/2009 12:04

your dp told his 5 year old to fuck off . Can you start thinking ahead for the future and start putting money away for yourself and the kids. Little bits here and there.

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ChippingIn · 09/04/2009 13:56

As you may have noticed from my posts I can swear like a trooper, BUT never when kids are in ear shot and absolutely NEVER, EVER at them.

I do have to say though, my cousin and his wife always swore and shouted at each other and at the kids A LOT... and those kids are now all grown up and it hasn't done them any harm. They never swore as children, seldom do now and have kids of their own.... so, all in all, it's maybe not the end of the world.

It is the TEMPER behind your DH that would scare me. If he can't handle his own 2 children for an afternoon without losing his temper he either needs to have a lot more practice or do something along the lines of an anger management course.

Are you ever scared of him? (You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, just something to think about).

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Mamii · 09/04/2009 14:18

Even if he suffers with Torrets there is still no excuse for talking to a 5 year old with such language. To show such aggression towards a 5 year old to swear like that at them is horrid. He needs a reality check by the sound of it.

I'm a great believer in children will talk to and treat others as they are themselves spoken to and treated.

I like "Custard" - stands for Cnt/Bstard, only us adults know what I'm REALLY saying. Everyones a winner!

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SerendipitousHarlot · 09/04/2009 18:55

I swear like a trouper tbh, and am not bothered by anyone swearing.

But if anyone told my dc to eff off, ANYONE, I would absolutely hit the roof. YANBU. I can't believe he did that actually.

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piscesmoon · 09/04/2009 19:05

I think it is unacceptable.

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kaylasmum · 09/04/2009 21:11

thanks everyone for your replies, i did think that most people would agree with me but sometimes i think i tend to overreact to things.

chippingin - he has already had anger management a few years ago and i did think it helped but things seem to be slipping back again. I'm not particularly scared of him, maybe a little wary as he can be quite volatile and throw things and kick things when he is in a temper. Don't know what to do for the best.

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ChippingIn · 10/04/2009 00:16

Tell him to go back on another Anger Management course.

As I said, it's not the swearing that I think is so terrible, but swearing at her and more than that the anger that is there.... he clearly has issues with that and may need reminding of other ways to handle himself.

Being 'wary of him as he is quite volatile and throws/kicks things' is not something I could put up with myself, but can see how you can/do... but I wouldn't with a child in the house, I don't think it's fair on them to grown up in that environment... it's scary.

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kaylasmum · 13/04/2009 11:08

hi chippingin, not been on here for a while. Spoke to dp about the incident and he said that it was not directed at her as she was on the other side of the door, although she heard him as did the little boy she was out playing with. I've told him if it happens again then i will leave regardless to where wo would go. I'm not prepared to have my kids sworn at by their own father.

As far as him being volatile, he had a bad head injury when he was 18, he got knocked down by a car and i'm convinced this has resulted in his anger issues. He also has a bad memory and does everything much slower than other people. I agree that he needs to go on another anger management course but he is reluctant to do this as it means time off work that he can't afford to take.