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AIBU?

To not tell the in-laws that I'm pregnant again

18 replies

lazylion · 30/03/2009 19:12

I have 2 DS (2 and 3)and I'm 16 weeks pregnant with number 3. DH's parents live nearby but they have had nothing to do with us for a couple of years(not even birthday cards for the children. I haven't a clue why, DH thinks it's because we didn't invite them over enough and they are sulking - a long history of doing this to him as a child he says. They are unpleasant people (something nasty to say about everyone)but I have always been polite in the past.
I don't have much family and with another baby on the way I'm not sure if I should be doing something about this - or telling DH to anyway.
What do you think?

OP posts:

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HecAteTheEasterBunny · 30/03/2009 19:25

I wouldn't bother tbh. They've made their choice. It's just genes. Family are those who love you and care about you and who you love.

sarah76 · 30/03/2009 19:27

I'm not really sure what you can do, TBH. Do you still try to invite them around? What about holidays? If you really have no contact with them and they seem to want it that way, I don't see the point in forcing the relationship. Is your DH happier without them in your lives?

If they've really got no interest in the first two children, I can't see that it's unreasonable to leave them out of your pregnancy.

2rebecca · 30/03/2009 19:30

I wouldn't make a special phonecall but if your DH is on the phone to them anyway it would seem sensible for him to mention it. If they never contact you at all then I'd leave it up to your husband.

BitOfFunnyBunny · 30/03/2009 19:30

Agree...sometimes it's more hassle than it's worth to re-contact toxic controlling rellies. I can't see what benefit there would be.

Gracie123 · 30/03/2009 19:32

I suppose it depends a lot on what you think their reactions will be. If there is a chance they will be happy and excited it might be worth letting them know. Otherwise, if you speak to them it's probably worth mentioning so that they don't think you were keeping a secret. If not, then I wouldn't ring them especially.
Having said that my MiL had quite a bad reaction to finding out we were pregnant (similar to when she found out we were engaged) and my DH thinks it's best if she doesn't know that we are trying again. He would prefer she thought it was an accident.
She still doesn't know that we were trying for DS and thinks he was an accident. I have never lied, but I don't offer information that will cause more arguments in the family.

lazylion · 30/03/2009 19:41

They did act like grandparents - visits, presents etc - until DS2 was about 2 months old but then totally switched off and we left it up to them. Nothing in particular happened on the last visit, but neither DH or myself have had any contact with them since.
Knowing them they are being very nasty indeed about us, so in a twisted way I think they are bothered.
I like what you said, Hecate, that they have made their choice. I somehow thought it must be me or DH who had made the choice.
I can't understand them at all so I don't know how to deal with it.

OP posts:

flowerybeanbag · 30/03/2009 19:42

Perhaps you could just drop them an announcement card when the baby arrives? No need to speak to them and it's off your conscious.

lazylion · 30/03/2009 19:45

Your MiL Gracie123, that's outrageous. Why shouldn't you get pregnant deliberately?

OP posts:

dizietsma · 30/03/2009 19:52

"Perhaps you could just drop them an announcement card when the baby arrives? No need to speak to them and it's off your conscious."

That sounds about right. I'd recommend dropping it off a month after the fact, so that if they start family drama then you'll at least have had one peaceful month to bond with lo.

beanieb · 30/03/2009 19:54

How will you feel when they find out? I think you should tell them, It's up to them if they decide to become more involved as a result. not telling them sems like some kind of punishment.

Gracie123 · 30/03/2009 19:58

Ummm... She thinks we are too young. She didn't really want us to get married. It's not that she has anything against me (I don't think) but she got divorced about 15 years ago and I think she just feels like she is losing the only man in her life.
I guess children is just an extension of that. Anyway, rather than argue I just let her believe what she wants.
BTW, her reaction to the pregnancy was to sit on the kitchen floor and demand someone bring her a brandy. When DH brought her a glass, she downed it and asked for a bigger one.

BitOfFunnyBunny · 30/03/2009 20:05

< splutters >

Now that is a nightmare MIL...

ChippingIn · 30/03/2009 20:07

beanieb - if they can't be bothered with the 2 GC they have, why should they feel punished by not being told about GC3? Even if they do - they've made their bed, time to lay in it!

Gracie123 - she sounds lovely , you deserve better! I'm pleased for you that you don't mind letting her think what she wants, it's easier, however, I couldn't do it.

Lazylion - in case you haven't guessed, I don't think you need to tell them, they made their choice not to be a part of your life (for whatever daft reason), let them get on with it, you sound much better off without them. Especially if your DH is ok with this.

Flopsymopsy · 30/03/2009 20:11

It sounds like they're being the children so you need to be the adults. I'd tell them as they'd be very upset to hear it another way. Send the odd invite, do little things to make an effort in kindness. No need to go overboard if you're getting nothing in return, but so long as you're being the reasonable kind adult ones in the relationship they've got nothing to complain about.

flowerybeanbag · 30/03/2009 20:11

Just saw my spelling, sorry, conscience

beanieb · 30/03/2009 20:25

That's what I was thinking Flopsymopsy, only I wasn't able to say it as well as you

Flopsymopsy · 30/03/2009 20:37

Why thank you!

RumourOfAHurricane · 30/03/2009 20:44

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