To not want to keep parenting this girl?

[CousCousWuss]

I met up with a bloke a briefly knew just before christmas. It was a kind of date but I say, we knew each other very briefly before but this was the first time we went out 'like that' iyswim?

Anyway the date went ok. Not great but could have been worse. He asked to see me again and we arranged to go for a coffee that weekend. When I met him, he brought along his daughter. She was 11 at the time.

I wasn't very pleased about him introducing me to her so soon, especially as I knew it wasn't going anywhere between us but he said he had nobody to look after her.

Anyway we met up a few times after that and he brought her along quite a few times. Then one day she phoned me asking if I would like to go and see a movie with her. I wasn't pleased about him giving her my phone number but I hid this from the girl and suggested she go with a friend. She seemed upset and offended. I caved and took her to see the film.

She then began phoning me all the time. Popping around to my house on her own etc and when she had a hospital apointment, she asked if I'd go with her. I did but I told her dad that something had to change as it was unfair to the girl to get so attached to me. He told me she was doing it because he hated her own mother and never saw her from the age of 9.

Anyway it's just got worse and worse. He got me to explain periods to her, sort her out with stuff saying she had nobody else. She phoned me in tears one day saying she was coming around as people were bullying her at school. When I phoned him (when she got here) he asked if I'd go into school with her!!

It's just ridiculous. I don't even see him anymore but I'm still parenting his daughter. I do like her but she isn't mine and I don't really want to carry on like this. I have kids of my own to worry about, I don't really need another one.

I feel awful and its nothing against her. But I think I'm probably BU arnt I?

[fattiemumma]

your not unreasonable in thinking your involvment is a little bit ofg a step too far gievn you only went on a few dates.

she probably is looking at you as a female role model because she doesn't have anyone else.

but if your not happy with filling this gap for her then you need to tell him to say no

[WinkyWinkola]

Completely understand your position but I feel really sorry for the girl. She's obviously desperate for some kind of older female figure in her life.

I don't really know what to suggest but I feel sorry for both of you really because you're in a very tricky position that you didn't ask for and she's miserable.

Is there any way you could perhaps help her restore relations with her own mother? Her own dad sounds a bit inadequate IMO because he keeps trying to foist her off onto you. Poor lass.

[Nabster]

I feel sorry for the girl as she clearly needs a mum and I feel sorry for the dad as he seems to need the help and guidance of a woman.

[MamaHobgoblin]

Oh no, that's really sad. I mean for her, obviously, and it's a PITA for you. No, you're not BU. You need to tell him firmly, but it's going to be horrible for her. What a shitty situation he's put you in.

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

where is her own mother? Doesn't she have a granny/ aunt/ older cousin/ family friend?

It's a bit strange that she has no female figure in her life at all.

[myfunnynametaken]

MamaHobgoblin said more or less what I was gonna say.

It's horrid for you.

Reading your OP made me think that this is probably what my dh would be like if anything ever happened to me

[CousCousWuss]

Apparantly she has no contact at all with her mother or her mother's family

The bloke is a bit useless to be honest. One time she was having bad stomach cramps and he blurted out in front of her friend "maybe you're about to start a period?"

He just doesn't get it and I DO feel sorry for her, she's a lovely girl but aside from anything else, I don't think its fair to her the way things are.

I have tried talking to him and he says stuff like "its ok, I'll tell her you don't want to see her" etc and it makes me feel guilty.

[fattiemumma]

could you suggest that he asks school to put her in touch with the local mentoring service.
she coul.d be paired up with a female mentor who would be able to take over your role.

[piscesmoon]

YANBU but it is so sad for the child.I would agree with fattiemumma-try and fix her up with someone more appropriate.

[DogMa]

He's totally manipulating you. Stay well clear of him.

As for his daughter....God bless her but I think you have to be cruel to be kind (forgive cliche). If you know her school, ring them and explain to the Head. This little one needs someone in her corner and a good pastoral teacher would be the best route, I think.

[sb6699]

I really do for feel for this girl and he's probably just trying to make her life feel a little easier by introducing a female role model but it is unfair on you.

Fattiemummas suggestion about the mentoring schemes are a good one. They operate one in my area and seems its just the type of thing she needs. They pair up adult volunteers with teens and its just someone for the teen to talk to/spend time with if they don't have anyone who can fill this role.

[flibbertywidget]

CCW - you poor thing, what a horrid situation to be in. I hope you manage to sort things out. My mum has been through similar, via victims support. She used to be a volunteer and got completely sucked in by this family. Mother is an alcoholic, 1 brother died from heroin od, the other now has DVT. The little girl was 6 at the time and is now 12.

My mum helped out and has stayed helping out cos no one else would step in. Social services were useless and she felt responsible for this little girl's happiness and welfare. She is in too deep now. She doesn't regret it but finds it draining as the family is in constant crisis. My mum is 70 with arthritis.

so.. long post, but do try outside help. this little girl's father sounds like a complete loser, or either totally lost in what his role should be.

I hope you get it sorted to the best for all parties

FW

[chipmonkey]

Wrong, wrong, wrong of him to threaten to tell her that you don't want to see her again! He is emotionally blackmailing you and being very manipulative. I do feel sorry for her as he is obviously a numpty but that is not your problem.

[chegirl]

This isnt right and it sounds a bit worrying. For this young girl to get so attached to you so quickly is a bit alarming. Happy, adjusted children to not just latch on to random adults in this way. It can be a sign of an attachment disorder and makes them very vunerable.

There was a bloke who lived below us. He had a daughter of about 8. She came to play with my kids once. He didnt come back for about 12 hours! He obviously thought that it was fine to dump her on any woman that would have her. The saddest thing? She called me Mum! She started calling me Mum after about 3 hours. I had to tell that wasnt ok and it was awful. I said she could call me auntie as thats pretty acceptable in our family's culture.

I know your situation is not quite as extreme on the surface but its still pretty worrying.

I feel v. sad for the little girl. i am not sure I feel much sympathy for the bloke though. He is a grown up. He knows what he is doing.

I wish I knew what to suggest. I can only think that it would be best to withdraw gradually but if you are up to it - this guy needs a reality check.

Good luck