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AIBU?

to think I should have been told first?

28 replies

mrsout · 12/02/2009 16:08

I just found out that my sister is having IVF. I found out from the woman behind the lottery kiosk in Tesco. She is my sisters best friends mother in law. My sister says that she didnt want the family to know because we would be upset. she has always told me that she didnt want to have children. I am so upset. For her and her husband, and for me. I know this shouldnt be about me but I cannot help but feel so hurt. Since our mum died she has been everything to me and to find out something like this from a shop assistant.

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fruitshootsandheaves · 12/02/2009 16:10

I'm sure she would have told you. Maybe she's just scared of family members getting over excited and then it not being successful and having to tell everyone.

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chandellina · 12/02/2009 16:13

why is her friend's MIL blabbing? she's the one at fault here.

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mrsout · 12/02/2009 16:15

Thats what she said. But then she shouldnt have told anyone. She has been going through this for two years. Its turns out that most of her friends knew and and christmas they told her inlaws. Maybe I should just face facts.

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beanieb · 12/02/2009 16:15

It's sad you found out the way you did but I don't think now is the right time to be feeling put out by it. She knows you know and I am sure she will just want support.

Try to let it go. I can totally understand why telling family may have been difficult for her. When you go through something like this sometimes it's just awful to have family members know - specially as it can change the way they behave towards you even if they have teh best intentions.

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mrsout · 12/02/2009 16:16

She is upset with her friend for blabbing. But why shouldnt the MIL assume that I would know something this important?

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beanieb · 12/02/2009 16:17

face facts? which facts? Honestly - sometimes, however close a person is to their family they also know that they couldn't cope with the fuss, concern and attention that close families will give the whole thing

Hope you sort it out.

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SoupDragon · 12/02/2009 16:17

She didn't tell you because she didn't want to upset you.

Does it really matter? Just tell her nicely that she should have told you, that she was silly not to and that you are there to support her through it all now in any way she wants you to.

Then drop it.

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HecateQueenOfGhosts · 12/02/2009 16:17

Can you think of any reason why she wouldn't tell you? How do you think you would react? How do you think you'd behave around her? What do you think her reasoning is?

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Wizzska · 12/02/2009 16:18

YANBU about her friend blabbing to her mother in law. I can understand your sister only telling her best friend, we all have different ways of coping with difficult situations. I feel for you though as I would hope to be told by my sister if I were you too.

FWIW, my ex boyfriend told me that my own brother had got married - and I supposedly have a good relationship with my brother. Brother didn't tell me or my mum officially for over 10 years that he'd got married. We all knew but never mentioned it. He'd told our other brother who was dating my xbf's sister at the time.

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mrsout · 12/02/2009 16:26

The stupid thing is that I KNOW why she didnt tell me. Since finding out, I have been a blubbering mess. She s so good with my two. I have said such horrible things about her and BIL. They are all about the fancy restaurants and multiple holidays. My sis made out that they were enjoying the money too much to want children to spoil it. And I believed her. Turns out that even though I am always broke ect, I have everything she cant have. Just totally blown away what I thought of her. I should have known.

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GrapefruitMoon · 12/02/2009 16:31

mrsout, I have someone in my family who also had ivf - she did tell me she was about to start the process - like you I had thought she was not ready yet to have children and I felt bad that she had been struggling with infertility whilst everyone around her thought she was not interested in having babies . She has not told her own mother - I can understand why at the start of the process but now that she has had her babies I think she should tell her (in case she hears from elsewhere) but it is her decision at the end of the day....

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HecateQueenOfGhosts · 12/02/2009 16:36

your poor sister. Now there's a lesson for you on not judging! You mean you had a go at her? Making comments to her? Slagged her off to other people?

You know what, even if they WERE about the restaurants and holidays - what had it to do with you? They are free to live the life they choose.

I think you've royally fucked up.

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mrsout · 12/02/2009 16:42

She had said to me that having children would totally ruin her life and she didnt understand why I ever wanted them. So it isnt as bad as you make out Hectate. I asked her about this and she said she said it all on purpose. To through me off the scent so to speak. Anyway, I know now. She is having her first IVF in the summer so keeping fingers crossed for her.

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HecateQueenOfGhosts · 12/02/2009 16:46

See now that's not what you said!

"I have said such horrible things about her and BIL. They are all about the fancy restaurants and multiple holidays. My sis made out that they were enjoying the money too much to want children to spoil it"

Replies come based on the information you give.

the information you gave was that you judged her and you said horrible things based on your understanding of the situation.

So really, it isn't as bad as you made out.

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moomaa · 12/02/2009 16:47

mrsout yanbu I would be devastated if this happened to me, it would make me question my whole relationship with her. I know that doesn't make you feel better but just wanted to say that I understand and would be upset too. Maybe all you can do is try and be the 'perfect' sister now, whatever that is?

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beanieb · 12/02/2009 16:51

Did she know you were saying all these horrible things about her?

Personally I do think it's a bit off that she chose to talk negatively about having children to throw people off the scent, there are much nicer ways of doing it rather than making out that they would ruin her life and so I can understand why it would be upsetting for you.

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threewisemonkeys · 12/02/2009 16:52

you're both going to be emotional about the whole situation, so I agree with Soup Dragon - tell her you're there for her in any way she needs you and then leave it there.

she won;t want the expectant "so are you pregnant yet!?!?" every time she sees you, or the pitying looks or comments about what a great aunty she is, to try and make her feel better if the IVF doesn't work straight away.

You have everything she wants and she is bound to feel a little resentful, so I'm sure that's the only reason she didn't tell you sooner. Once she has a child, whether by IVF or other means, it will bring you both closer again as she will understand what a huge deal it is and why you felt hurt to be left out of it.

fwiw i told my brother i was pregnant by text as he & SIL were trying without success and I couldn't face his valiant attempt at being really pleased for me whilst secretly (or not so secretly in SIL's case!) thinking I was a bitch!

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TotalChaos · 12/02/2009 16:54

going against the grain - YABU. it's her body, and her medical details - up to her who she chooses to tell or not tell. Obviously very unfortunate that you found out this way....

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shrinetothomastank · 12/02/2009 16:58

I understand why you are upset as I'm really close to my sisters too BUT I found it hard to talk to them about my on- going trying for a baby and I was paintrd a career holiday woman in our family when sisters just popped them out! Sometime labels are jut easier all round whilst they fit.... However, feel bad for yourself for about 1/2 hr more, then get round to hers with a bottle of wine and a huge bar of chocolate. give her a hug and let her talk if she wants to - but it has to be about her, i think. Good luck !!

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beanieb · 12/02/2009 17:06

btw _ I do think that you are being unreasonable to think you should have been told first. I agree with Hecate.

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shrinetothomastank · 12/02/2009 17:09

And whatever you do say to her, do NOT say "just try to relax about it...stress can't help" or variations on that theme. Or I will come round and slap you myself. Good luck with it still..

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cornsilk · 12/02/2009 17:19

The MIL is a gossip. Be cross with her not your sister.

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smittenkitten · 12/02/2009 17:38

erm, perhaps she didn't tell you because you make things all about you? IVF is a big deal, physically and emotionally and all you can think about is how you're devestated because she exercised her right to tell who she chose?

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peachyfox · 12/02/2009 17:47

I've just been through IVF and found I told the strangest people (people I wasn't at all close to) to let off some steam but kep the people I am closest to in the dark because I couldn't bear to see the question in their eyes even if they were nice enough not to voice it.
To the ThomasTank Lady above who says not to tell your sis to relax because stress will stop it happening - you are bang on the money!
I just tell people if they want to bring children into their lives they will do and find this gets me off the hook nicely.

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Onlyaphase · 12/02/2009 17:52

I would second what Peachy just said - I've been through IVF 4 times since 2006 and have only told my sister and several friends, especially those having their own fertility problems. I haven't told my father or any of my in laws - and yes, they would all be very hurt if they found out I hadn't told them, but I just couldn't deal with the fuss and well-meaning advice.

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