to expect my mum to help a little bit

[chellimum]

this is going to be long so bear with me....I am rather annoyed/upset with my mum. The thing is she will not do anything to help me and the kids. I am a single parent with four kids( including 1 yo twins) and I know it not her "responsibility" as she always says but she will do nothing at all to help me. I do absaloutley everything 4 the kids mainly on my own. It is hard as I work p/t also..and I know its not "her fault i on my own. If i ask her for help i.e- would you come to a shop with me or would you take my daughter d1 and son d2 somewhere...she goes all off with me. I really have tried talking to her but she said she wants her time 2 herself and has no time for my children and how she has mounds and mounds of wahing and ironing to do (she lives with my step dad and my grown up brother). This really upsets me as although I understand she is busy(aren't we all though and it patronises me as if she could see my ironing pile she would flip)she works so again I know she busy but I also work ..and i know alot of other grandmas that still work and make an effort with their grankids. I feel she could make time a bit just for the sake of my children to make an effort but no. When I go round there I have to take toys etc to entertain them as she has nothing ..and we not even allowed to sit in the living room. The kids are not aqllowed to make noise or touch anything. I JUST DONT GET HER! The final straw was a few weeks ago when I was really concerned with one of the twins and asked her (in the nicest possible way )would she watch my eldest 2 while i took the twins to a and e. She hung up on me. This is how i get treated by her then she will ignore me 4 a few weeks then expect everything to be fine.

I just feel heartbroken by this as I feel my kids need a grandmother. I am proud of how I cope with themm all on my own . I just cant believe she is like this with her grandchildren ... who are all adorable kids ..they all have there moments but they are good kids. aND I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WONT DO ANYTHING...She has only looked after the twins once...ever and this was for half an hour. I understand people want space etc but it not like I round there all the time.. I am allowed to go round once a week (if that) for an hour and a half and she tells me b4 hand i can only come for an hour.Its like I have to make an appointment.

If one of my kids ended up on their own, even if I was busy I would look after them..even if it was for one day a month..or once in a blue moon so thay could go out. I missed my best friends wedding because she wouldnt come with me or look after one of the babies 4 me. she has never had any of them over night.. I am sorry I am rambling now but how would u feel? Are any of u out there in the same boat. Am I selfish? or is she?

[moorishidol]

hi there

you are not alone my mother is very much the same as yours

i stupidly thought when i had kids we would become closer but this has not happened

if i am really down or upset or just tired i phone her for a chat she always has bigger problems like i will phone her and say im a bit down and tired kids went to bed at 8pm but were up again till 4am she will just come back and say yeah im really tired too

not oh its ok lovey it will get better she has to beat me

i wrote her a 4 page letter telling her how i felt about 6months ago and hid it in her bag while she was visiting and she rang me uo crying saying it was like a bus hitting her and how things were going to change but they have not we dont see her for weeks on end she prommises to come and see my 3 and 2yr old then dose not show no phone call no text nothing for about 3 weeks she only lives 10 min drive away and dose drive unlike me

i know how you feel if when my kids ever have kids i would love to be able to help out and maby have them every now and then and especialy if they really needed a break

do you have no close friends, sisters on anyone similar who could mabey help you out a bit

or do you have a home start near you its government run i am with them
they have a mother and toddler group once a week and you also get asinged a helper that visits you at home once a week to help occupy the childeren so you can get things done some drive to so will take you to do essential food shopping

google them homestart
they can help

i know it dose not help but chin up when your kids get older they will pick up on all this and eventualy say things to nanny mine do already and like i said the are only 2 and 3 and one day your mum will look round and regret not spending more time with her granchilderen

all the best

[chellimum]

Thank you...I am not alone then...Oh well it is their loss.Although it feels like it the childrens loss....I could look into the homestart thing but it not that i cant cope it just annoys me..Its almost like she doesnt want to help me as she doesnt want me to have a life or go out etc...I dont know mothers hey!!Thanks 4 ur advice anywayx

[BlackEyedDogstar]

sorry it's all such a struggle chellimum. You must be so blardy busy with four kids and little support!

I guess you can't make your mum support you any more, and this is a big shame. I am shocked that she hung up on you when you took twins to a & e!

Sorry I think she is selfish.

[chellimum]

Well i glad it not me then coz i think she is too. X

[tehanu]

If I were you I would cultivate some good friends, and do favours for each other - watching each other's children, having sleepovers, etc. then they will also help you out when you're stuck.

We've never had family living nearby, so grandparents have had the freedom to just enjoy them occasionally in the holidays. My sister lives in the same village as my mum, and often she (my mum) gets annoyed by the constant requests for babysitting, etc.

I don't think it's reasonable to assume grandparents should take on any roles with children unless they want to/choose to.

[dangfando]

See now I don't think we have a right to expect our parents to help us with our kids. They didn't choose to become grandparents after all. But there is such a thing as being a decent human being. I can't imagine sitting back and watching someone I care about struggle without offering to help at least just a little bit. She may not have chosen to be a grandparent but she did choose to be a mother so to my mind she has a duty to care for you. I guess not everyone sees it like that though.

I think it would be unreasonable for you to expect some kind of regular committed help from her, but it's not unreasonable to expect her to help you out in an emergency, or to just do a very occasional bit of babysitting.

[PuppyMonkey]

I know this is going to sounds a bit thick, but have you actually talked to her properly about it at all? Calmly and rationally one day when you are there visiting? Don't tell her off or anything, just ask if you've done something to upset her or something. Show her this thread!

She may be one of these self centred people who just doesn't realise what she is doing until someone points it out.

[georgimama]

I agree with dangfando, you are your DC's mother but she is still yours. That job is for life. I am very lucky in that I get a lot of help and support from my mum but she regards it as part of being my mother, that didn't stop when I turned 18.

You sound like you're doing great and she is the one who is missing out really - your children aren't missing out really because they have never had a close relationship with her - they are probably completely happy with what they've got (you).

[Sidge]

I agree with dangfando. Whilst I don't tihnk we should expect our parents to share the parenting of our children we should be able to expect some degree of support, whether that's emotional or practical.

Not helping out when you wanted to go to A&E is just selfish.

Maybe she is just one of those grannies who feels she has done her bit raising children and is going to do no more. That's hard, but if that's how it is then instead of hoping that she'll change and start pitching in, develop a small group of good mates who you can rely on, and who you can offer support to as well.

[sunnydelight]

Maybe the problem is that you "expect" her to help. I can understand why you are upset but maybe she feels that you expect too much so to make sure she won't be taken advantage of she has gone the other way.

[Lemontart]

I usually feel a little sorry for the grandparents when I see these types of threads. So many mums seem to think that their own mums should automatically drop everything and take up the role of doting grandparent, unpaid no-notice required babysitters, free meal providers and yet never ever have any say in the parenting or comment on parenting decisions.. Seems so unfair. I watch my sister using my parents as free babysitters so she can go off and do her shopping, more often than not getting free lunch and dinner into the bargain - never offering to bring something round etc. She never rings, just turns up on the doorstep with a breezy "oh, I knew you wouldn?t mind, XX has been asking for her nanny all morning..." They love it and are wonderful grandparents BUT she pushes it far too far. They have their own lives and tbh are getting older and less able to cope with the demands of looking after a baby and a toddler. It is too much too often yet they never feel able to turn her down as I suspect they worry she would stop bringing them round altogether which would devastate them. How can you say "we love you kids and we love you BUT please can you stop leaning on us quite so heavily please..." without there being some really unpleasant hurt and fallout??

However, despite all that, I am disgusted your mum put the phone down on you over the hospital trip. That is awful. It does not matter how much she might think you have over-used the "granny card", it true emergencies families should be able to stick together and help each other out.

It is hard to get the balance of needing and giving support right within a family, especially if the circumstances, like yours, mean that you need a little more help now and again. If you want to repair the relationship and help your children have a better relationship, I would ignore the awful hospital incident and try to mend bridges. I know she is not innocent in this, but why not try to let her see you are trying your best and you do appreciate her? Invite her round for a meal, make a fuss of her, let her know how much the kids love spending time with her, organise a trip where you all go out together -or better still, find another babysitter and you take your mum out for coffee and girly time. I would work at rebuilding your relationship with her and help her see the good in it all again. I suspect that when you think about the problem it is not so black or white as you think - perhaps there is room for action and improvement on your side too?

[tumtumtetum]

Blimey you're a better woman than me lemontart!

If it was me I would take the hint and just leave it. Her mum has made it clear she's not interested.

I also think the OP may find it hard to find the time and energy to cook dinner for her mum and take her out etc when she works and has 4 kids and no partner

[BoffinMum]

I have to say that parents may well choose not to engage with their grandchildren (the selfish baby boomer generation being worst of all in this regard IMO), but then they should not expect any help whatsoever in advanced old age from their own children. Some of them are apparently going to be very lonely and frail in their final years, and this will be of their own making.

However putting the phone down on any relative who needs to do an A and E trip is awful, regardless of what you think of them or the relationship.

[izyboy]

Well when she's old and needy she can piss off! That may sound harsh -but I feel very angry for you. They are her relatives her GRANDCHILDREN for FFS a little love and tenderness towards them would make everyone alot happier.

[izyboy]

Sorry Boffin just noticed you wrote a politer version of mine!

[cory]

Agree with Lemontart: I would usually say that grandparents are under no obligation to be unpaid childminders etc, but your Mum is failing to live up to what you would expect in ordinary decent behaviour from a neighbour.

Of course you can give up on her and join a baby-sitting circle, but I still understand that it will feel unfair to reflect on how other children have grandparents who care about them and yours seem to have a gran who can't be bothered at all.

I am unable to use my parents, or my MIL, for much practical help as they both live a long way off and my MIL is in poor health, but I know I can call on them for moral support and that means a lot.

[BoffinMum]

Cory, I think you put that very well. there's a huge difference between being a childcare slave and just being neighbourly. I mean, how many of us have experienced relative strangers being kind and helping out for an hour here and there? It's not unreasonable for families to do a little of this as well. Also personally speaking I think it's in the interests of older people to engage with their grandchildren because it's mentally healthy to do so and keeps you young. I am certainly planning to do so when the time comes. I am not daft.

[happybeingme]

Her behaviour does seem odd ie hanging up on you in an emergency situation and she should at least help out then. Also not letting you or DC in her living room, having to be quiet etc is very odd. Does she wash yor brother's clothes, feed him etc? That would really make me cross if she does but won't help you.

On the other hand I don't think GP's can't be expected to babysit , it is their choice but an emergency is different.

BTW, from what you have sadi your DM can't be that busy, it is all realtive.

[BoffinMum]

I can imagine taking grandchildren to the park en masse once a week while their parents do a bit of shopping or - ahem - have a rest, for example. How hard would that be? Why would that not be fun?

[happybeingme]

Just wanted to add that I don't have any contact with my 'parents'. When I did, I had tonsilitis with a new baby and a toddler and was desperate for break, even just an hour but my M said 'I coped on my own' which was not true and so heartbreaking when I was reaching out for help. A few weeks later I bought it up and she said 'You should of asked me for help', err I did.

[almeida]

yanbu chellimum.

You need to get on with things on your own & also find non family sources of help.

All credit to you for everything you do xxx

My mum never helped or cared about her grandchildren. Other peoples mums really help but mine never did anything to help, look after them or care at all.