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AIBU?

to not allow my son to do a talk at school?

18 replies

idobelieveinfairies · 14/01/2009 14:10

I really really don't know what to do.

DD 10 has always had social issues since he was tiny, seen ed pysiciatrist when younger..we think he has very mild aspergers. He dosen't like people, makes no eye contact, dosen't like any attention....the list goes on.

He suffers bad from abdominal.head migraines since 5 years...makes him reeally ill for days...it is down to stress.

He was put on medication 3 years ago and it worked a treat. We gradually weaned him off them and he does not have as many attacks and they are not as severe.

He had a bad one on friday night..and has been ill since..and yesterday i found out it is due to a talk he has to do in front of 2 classes in a few weeks time. He dosen't want to do it and it is stressing him out.

I cnanot have him ill for the next 3 weeks because of this...

would i be wrong to tell the teacher he cannot do this talk??

I saw the teacher this morning and have explained what is going on...and he said he will talk to him about it, but i know its not going to make any difference, he can't change ds mind.

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NAB3lovelychildren · 14/01/2009 14:11

I would tell the teacher this is something your child just can not do and keep him off that day tbh if the teacher won't agree to letting him off.

UnfortunatelyMe · 14/01/2009 14:13

It might be better to leave it in DS's hand, so if he does feel up to it, then he has the option(rather than you just assuming, even rightly so that he CANT do it, but with the teachers support, so he knows he can bow out, but wont be punished for it.

deleting · 14/01/2009 14:13

no i think it's reasonable to insist he doesn't do it and if they know he has aspergers I'm sure they would understand. If there are any problems with the teacher, I would see the head. It's not just a case of shyness that could be overcome by the sound of it.

NotADragonOfSoup · 14/01/2009 14:15

Wait and see what the teacher says - give him a chance!

VinegarTits · 14/01/2009 14:16

Aww i really really feel for him, i am fairly out going but all through my life, this has scared the shit out of me, i just cannot get up and talk in front of people, it really is extremely stressful, i would do what NAB suggests

lilacclaire · 14/01/2009 14:16

My brothers dd got herself so wound up about doing a talk in front of the class that he spoke to the teacher and said that he was not letting her do it as the thought of it was causing so much distress.
Apparantly teacher was lovely about it and it wasn't a problem.

smartiejake · 14/01/2009 14:18

If it is the thought of doing the talk to a huge crowd, would he feel more comfortable doing a talk to a few or even just the teacher on his own?

That way he could still do the work and get some praise for it the same as all his class mates but not suffere the stress of lots of people watching.

idobelieveinfairies · 14/01/2009 14:19

Thank-you for your comments.....its great to hear other peoples views.

For some reason this year they have decided that the talks will be in front of 2 classes rather than just the 1 that my older children have always done...not sure why...my other ds (yr 6) will be doing his..he isn't keen but he has accepted it and is researching for it.

Will see what teacher suggests at 3.

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hkz · 14/01/2009 14:21

Agree with NAB, especially if it is stressing out DS and making him ill.

Perhaps DS could do the talk for you at home or do it for his teacher in a 1:1 situation, to build his confidence and help him overcome his fears.

I work with students with a number of different learning difficulties /SN in a secondary school and one student inparticular would really stress over situations like this, so much so he would be ill and stop coming into school. It has helped him a lot knowing that he can do this type of thing 1:1 and that if he is stressed or worried he needs t talk about it and he would never be forced into doing , for example, a talk in front of others.He is a good student, but just incredibly uncomfortable in such a situation.

His teacher forcing him to do the talk would be unreasonable and not help anyone, especially DS.

Hope he feels better and less stressed.

georgimama · 14/01/2009 14:23

In general I would say it was really bad form for a child to be allowed not to do a task like this but the circumstances here are exceptional.

As a side issue does he have a statement? Do you think it is worth exploring whether he needs one?

cornsilk · 14/01/2009 14:24

My ds (similar issues to your ds) was in a similar situation last year. He kept saying he didn't want to do the talk. Teacher initially told ds he had to. I wrote a letter to the teacher about it expaining the issues, teacher then had a chat with ds and established that it was the worry of being around people that ds didn't know very well, rather than the talk itself that was worrying him. Teacher gave him lots of options, from not having to do it if he didn't want to, to going and sitting with teacher if he was anxious etc. So my ds prepared for it knowing that he wouldn't be made to do it on the day if he felt unable to. In the end he did it and was fab! One more thing . Don't assume that the teacher understands about your ds's difficulties as well as you do - you may have to keep explaining to them.

georgimama · 14/01/2009 14:25

Really good suggestion by hkz, I can't see why he shouldn't just do the talk separately to his teacher, he will have done the work then including the presentation element, just not to such a frighteningly large audience.

Lemontart · 14/01/2009 14:28

Give the teacher a chance to talk to your DS about it first and see how that goes. If your son is still expected to do the talk and still upset, then perhaps contact the school.
If the class teacher is reasonably competent, then I would imagine they would be keen to find a way for your son to participate and be included with some compromise.
I would not suggest you just blanket ban this activity - although totally sympathise and understand your reasons. If I were the teacher I would be looking at ways in which there was not a total opt out - for example, if they are all doing a short talk, could your child be the one to introduce each person? - then only saying "this is XXX talking about XYZ" and having a sheet with each topic on. Or perhaps, reducing the time of the talk down to 2 minutes and supporting them through the process of building on the given topic, perhaps finding visual props and aids to help - quick slide show, big poster to refer to and take the attention off your child. Another option would be to work as a pair..

I just think it is worth giving the teacher a chance to find a practical way to include your child so that the stress was reduced without completing missing out. I am guessing your child will soon be attending a secondary school? If so, the more opportunities to gradually increase his experience and skills (hopefully overcoming some of the fear and dread) will be of huge benefit now.

Please don?t think I am being insensitive. I have a little personal experience of extreme shyness myself - bordering on the argrophobic - and can relate to how he is feeling in a slightly related way. However, as an ex secondary school teacher, I also believe that inclusion and working with people?s own needs is a better Plan A than opting out immediately.

Good Luck x

VinegarTits · 14/01/2009 14:29

On the other hand though, it maybe worth trying to help him get over his fear now so that it doesnt hinder him later in life (and he wont develop a phobia like me) as it wont be the last time he is expected to do a talk in front of class.

Maybe suggest to the teacher that he does the talk with another child, it is always easier to do these things in pairs, it's not so overwhelming then iykwim

VinegarTits · 14/01/2009 14:29

On the other hand though, it maybe worth trying to help him get over his fear now so that it doesnt hinder him later in life (and he wont develop a phobia like me) as it wont be the last time he is expected to do a talk in front of class.

Maybe suggest to the teacher that he does the talk with another child, it is always easier to do these things in pairs, it's not so overwhelming then iykwim

VinegarTits · 14/01/2009 14:29

On the other hand though, it maybe worth trying to help him get over his fear now so that it doesnt hinder him later in life (and he wont develop a phobia like me) as it wont be the last time he is expected to do a talk in front of class.

Maybe suggest to the teacher that he does the talk with another child, it is always easier to do these things in pairs, it's not so overwhelming then iykwim

idobelieveinfairies · 14/01/2009 14:34

Haven't read all replies yet but lemon....some inclusion would be great for him...as if he dosen't... the attention will be turned on him as the only one out of 2 classes not doing the talk which will stress him out too.

I will be defiantely doing the research..and pronpt cards etc...as all that is still a major part of it.

Tbh...the likely hood of him being at school the few days leading up to these talks is very slim......he gets so ill with the migraines he has to sleep for days, vomits for days..looks green for days.

Will definately work with the teacher though..and see what we can do.

Thanks

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idobelieveinfairies · 14/01/2009 14:36

is inclusion the right word there???god i am gettting stressed now too!

We have made progress with him, in the christmas school pantomime he had a small part....he did have to have his back to the audience though.

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