Another housework-sharing dilemma - not sure if I'm BU, not sure what to do even if I'm not!

[houseworkhorror]

Background: DH is lovely - loves me, loves our DDs, hands-on Dad, been very supportive with some health problems I've had.

I'm a SAHM, and I've found it very hard to keep on top of the housework. My DDs are two years apart, and I've had rubbish pregnancies that have completely wiped me out, plus our babies don't seem to want to sleep. Now I have a toddler and a baby and I'm knackered all the time. DH works full time and is also knackered all the time. He does a big chunk of the housework, things like washing up, vacuuming and laundry. I know that he isn't thrilled about doing as much as he does, as I am home all day. I struggle to get much of anything done, but I do BF and take all of the night-time stuff with DD2 so that he can sleep and be refreshed to go to work.

So here's the dilemma - DH often doesn't do stuff the way that I'd like. He is a bit of a that'll do person, so our cups and spoons all have tannin stains on them. Quite often there are bits left on the bottoms of plates or the sides of saucepans. And (here's the killer) he'll put dark and pale things together in the wash. So our DDs beautiful clothes that are presents from family are ending up grey. He doesn't check pockets, and often sorts out my clothes from our bedroom, so often there are tissues in the wash, and a couple of my favourite things have ended up with white fluff bobbled into them.

Part of me thinks that a lot of men don't do anything and that I should be grateful. Part of me thinks that if I want DH to do housework then I can't consider it my area of life to be in charge of (if you see what I mean) and so I can't insist that it's done a certain way. Part of me thinks that there are far more important things in life like the fact that he loves me.

But part of me gets frustrated that when someone pops around unexpectedly that when DH was the last one to do the washing up then the cup that I'll give them is stained. Part of me is sad that our DDs lovely clothes are getting spoiled. Part of me is embarrassed that I have little enough nice clothing at the moment (my choice too - there's no point until I get some kind of figure back) and the stuff that I do have isn't being looked after so I end up a complete scruff-bag.

So, AIBU to want DH to do things differently? And if I'm not, what the Hell do I say to him that won't get him really grumpy and risk him not doing anything at all?

[houseworkhorror]

Just realised something else that I should say - quite often I see that he's about to do laundry at the weekend, and I'll offer to take over, but he won't let me as he's "doing it now". And I don't have impossibly high standards, quite the opposite - I'm really not much of a houseproud person.

[justneedsomesleep]

I do understand what you are saying, but at the same time (as I am sure many other posters will say)you are (as you admitted) very lucky to have a husband who loves you and your children AND helps a lot with housework.
I know it's hard to see, but the things you are concerned about - stains and dyed clothes are superficial things - not important in the long run.
If you really want it the way you want it, why not compromise and say you do the washing and dishes while your husband does hoovering, ironing and something else....Do what you're good at....
For what it's worth my dh is hopless with housework [hmn] although he does try when asked. The haphazard 'men' way of doing things are really just a ploy to convincve us they are no good at it and shouldn't be asked!

But really, i think compromise is answer here and tactfully do it - tell him he's really good at hoovering and could he do that if you tackle the washing...
Seem to have rambled a bit but hope you get what I mean...

[bee45]

hi i tend to save up my housework so that i can do it when my husband and children are about. if i didnt then they wouldnt even notice any of it. when ther not here i spend time staring into space or on my laptop or looking in the fridge. then when they appear i leap up and pretend to be busy. sometimes i feel that the only excitement i get is form extreme hoovering which consists of seeing how many bits of lego you can suck up without the hoover blowing up!

[LoveMyLapTop]

I think YABU.
He is doing the bulk of the housework and working and you are complaining about stains on the tea spoons?
Jeeez!

[skidoodle]

YABVU

either do the housework yourself or be grateful that someone else is doing it for you.

If a man came on here complaining that his full-time working wife didn't wash his dishes adequately he would get pretty short shrift.

[LoveMyLapTop]

Most of us have had a baby/ toddler to deal with
No one really likes doing housework
If you can't be bothered to do it and your husbnad does
I think you should shut up or put up.

[tumtumtetum]

It's very hard to bite your tongue but I think you need to - after all he is doing it. My DH is really helpful too and he does make the occasional random bungle (after I complained about the mess he left the toilet in he cleaned it - with viakal?!) but he is trying to help and as such I think you should just let him get on with it.

It must be frustrating when the washes come out all coloured but maybe you can compromise here - if he carries it downstairs you can check and load? But generally I think you need to let him get on with it.

[bronze]

check all the pockets before he gets to the laundry and put it on

[littleducks]

how about some practical solutrions, could you buy those colour catcher sheets for the wash? is the space/money for a dishwasher? a better brand of washing up liquid?

maybe join one of the house cleaning threads on here so you can boast aboiut what you have done that day? heklps me when i cant be arsed sometimes!

[vjg13]

YABU get some colour catcher sheets for your washing, try not to leave tissues in the pockets and stop moaning.

[kickassangel]

i think you have a very rounded view on this. are there any practical ways of sorting this out, e.g 2 laundry baskets. you make it your job to put things in, sorted light & dark, check pockets, then dh can just stick them in the machine? we just use cheap plastic tubs from homebase, so not expensive.
not sure about washing up - could you try drying (and giving an extra wipe) whislt he washes?

i know what you mean, it's lovely that he's so helpful, but also, you want things done to a basic standard.

can i also suggest you get at least one nice set of clothes in the sales? if you wear them loads as you lose wieght, you'll get your money's worth, and it will help you feel a bit better? i did that thing of not buying anything til i lost wieght, and i just got so fed up. one pair of jeans & a top, to wear if people come round or you go out, can really help to cheer you up. i think you'll see beyond the 'little things' if you feel more positive.

[violethill]

Sorry but I think you are being totally unreasonable.

Many couples have at least two children and both work and have to manage all the housework between them.

You are very lucky to have a husband who is willing to do so much as well as work full time to support your family singlehandedly, and then you moan because he doesn't do everything perfectly.

So what if the tea spoons are stained or the clothes are a little grey? He's obviously a loving and caring husband, father and provider!

[houseworkhorror]

OK, OK, I get the message! In my defense, I wouldn't be posting on here if I didn't think that there was a good chance that IWBU.

I do do housework, by the way. DH isn't running around like my slave! And my DDs are at the stage where I can't turn my back for a second when I'm alone with them as DD1 tends to sit on/poke/over-enthusiastically cuddle DD2 with predictable results. We have had a lot of time-out in the last month or so.

The reason that I was posting was that it seems a bit anti-feminist to be so pathetically grateful that DH does stuff around the house (i.e. womens' work) that I don't care at all that our clothes are getting ruined. But apparently not!

[27]

I understand where you are coming from. My DH cant be trusted near a washing machine either. The way that we deal with that is that I do all the washing. I feel like that is better than everything being ruined.

If you cant do that you could try telling hime to wash everything at 30 degrees, colours seem less likely to run when it is colder.

[lindenlass]

"If you can't be bothered to do it"???? I don't really think that's the reason the OP isn't doing the housework and she's made that very clear! Some children are harder than others - I've had four and am going a fab job with the house now but my house when I had only two was a complete tip!

houseworkhorror YABU but I understand your feelings. You do just have to bite your tongue - men just don't seem to see things the way we women do. They don't straighten cushions and piles of paper when they tidy up, they don't sweep right into the corners. But...you're having a hard time with your mumming work right now, and that's more important. If your DH wasn't around/wasn't supportive, what would happen to the housework? I guess it wouldn't get done at all...so it's surely way, way better than him not doing it, even if he's doing it badly!

Your DH is a star (mine's the same ). What I'd suggest, as a way of getting things done the way you like, but not upsetting him, is for you to gradually try to get a hold on the housework - maybe try Flylady and concentrate on the babysteps bit. Gradually you may find you are doing more and more and he is doing less and less.

Also...could you save up for a dishwasher? And one of those sorting laundry baskets so that you can sort the laundry as it gets dirty and he can just put the stuff in the machine ready-sorted!

[houseworkhorror]

Oo, colour catcher - that's a good idea.

[mrsgboring]

Was also going to suggest a dishwasher and colour catcher sheets. Also, if you wash at a very low temp, you can get away with not sorting the washing.

It won't always be like this. Your DCs will get older and you'll be more able to do stuff around the house.

I don't think it's a case of being pathetically grateful to your DH for "helping" but you may need to accept you're both of you temporarily too stressed to do it all properly.

[wenceslasmyeducation]

Hmm, the washing and washing-up are the only jobs I do do regularly, as they are the most important from a hygiene perspective.
Why don't you do those jobs and leave the less critical ones for him to help with?

[lisad123]

I too find it hard to get house work done with a little terror to watch over and a 6year old. I would suggest you get into a good routinue. Put a load of washing on before bed, then another in the morning. When stuff comes out of tumble dryer, fold and put inot piles while warm, it saves on ironing and easy to out away.
Buy a slow cook, best thing ever!

And more importantly, give dh a break, his trying his hardest.

[Roskva]

I understand how you feel about things not being done to your standard, but you're lucky to have a dh who helps around rhe house - mine does bggr all apart from walking the dog and reluctantly looking after one or both children occasionally; we have a 3 month old and a toddler, and I am basically a SAHM. So my house is not as tidy as I'd like it.

[BonsoirAnna]

Can't you just work out which jobs your DH is really good at (or does to your standards) and then do the other yourself, to avoid aggro?

I would hate the clothes to be ruined by washing them all together. But putting clothes in the wash is a very easy thing to do when you have children around - why don't you ensure you do all the washing when your DH is out, and then leave the ironing up to him?

[HappyMummyOfOne]

YABVU, you're at home all day whilst he works full time and then does the bulk of the housework as well.

It doesnt take many minutes to quickly wash the dishes or to put a load of washing in. If your children are young they will nap so plenty of time to do housework.

Lots of mums work whilst raising their children and doing the housework so think yourself lucky.

[violethill]

To be honest these days, housework doesn't have to take up shedloads of time. You put a wash on, set the programme going (30 seconds work??) - I mean, it's not like you have to do it by hand and put the whole lot through a bloody mangle any more is it?

I was a SAHM while on maternity leaves, and I didn't find it a problem to do what needed doing around the house, even with 3 little ones and breast feeding.

I really think the OP needs to lighten up a bit or she may find her DH getting pretty pissed off.

[LoveMyLapTop]

How long does it take to put washing in the machine.
OR if you dont llike the way DH does things and you cannot do things with DCs around
THEN
when DH comes in from work he keeps DCs occupied while you do some of the housework?