I know I am really but I just feel bloody worthless!

[MadameCastafiore]

Today I heard that DH, DS and I will be spending Christmas Day, here at home on our own, DD is at her dad's but I have coped with that for the past few years as we have alternate Christmas Day/Boxing Day arrangement.

Well we were supposed to be going to one of my family for Christmas - I was so looking forward to it - my mum died when I was really small and due to my father marrying an utter bitch and lots of complicated problems - which are far too long to go into - I don't really have any other family on my side.

Well a relative of my family member died the week before last and so I said that if my relative doesn't fancy doing Christmas Day I am quite happy to do it - that wasn't wanted but today I have been told that it will be too many people for me and my lot (the 2 of them) to go there for the day - another relative, not on my side of the family, doesn;t like lots of people and worries about my relative having lots to do so 'sorry to let you down but you are uninvited!'.

I know it is silly but it is just something else to make me feel alone and worthless when it comes to my family - I don't have any other family - it is just them and I thought I meant as much to them as they do to me - I always look on them as sort of quasiparents - they were there at my wedding - one acted as mum and the other gave me away. Now I am back to feeling like a heap if shit - and I know I shouldn't be mean - there has been a bereavement and Christmas is always a tense time with lots to do but I just feel bloody empty and alone - yet again I am just not important enough to be included - not one of the 'proper' family if you like.

It is rideculous - we will have a great day - albeit a quiet one, me DH, DS and the dog - we will have our own Christmas dinner and presents and be able to do what we want but this has brought back all my feelings of being not wanted by my family.

God someone tell me I am being a cow and to get myself together before DH comes home please - DS thinks I have the most awful headache because I have been bloody sobbing whilst scrubbing the house today - but I have such a heavy feeling in my heart which just won;t go away.

[Leo9]

YANBU!!!!!

It is the height of rude-ness to uninvite someone. I could understand it if due to the bereavement they were having no-one; but to uninvite you while others are still going is just outrageous.

I know it must be really hard with that family history not to want a wider family christmas and I totally understand how you feel. It's a perfectly reasonable response to a nasty rejection.

I think if this was me I would concentrate on your own family christmas and make it as special as you can. Tell Dh that you're really really down and tell him that he needs to be extra caring this christmas; do nice things for eachother!

Also, why not consider christmas away next year? You could start planning now and it would be something to look forward to. I often think how lovely it would be to have a holiday at that time of year. And being away from home would hopefully stop any thoughts of family.

Enjoy your blessings; it's hard not to feel this, but do enjoy what you HAVE got. Have a lovely christmas x

[LadyLauraStandish]

You poor thing, that sounds rough.

I know it's hard to get over things like that, even if you can see the other person's point of view.

Could you arrange to go out on Xmas day? Even just a walk in the woods or something? It might take your mind off it if you start to plan something special for your own little family.

Sorry if this isn't much help.

[ScottishMummy]

sad to hear about your disappointments.it is hard to be let down.make best of your family

happy Christmas

[loobeylou]

sorry you are feeling down, try to count your blessings and enjoy the quality time with DH and DS

[MadameCastafiore]

Thanks Leo - I just think it is because they want to be together and I am not part of that side of the family - the bereaved part although I have done what I can to help - although that doesn't account to much - being there for a young female relative at the funeral and ringing and asking if there is anything I can do.

I just know if it were me in this situation I would never ever leave a member of my family alone at Christmas - but that is the crux of it - I suppose I am not proper family - well I am related but they aren't my parents.

It would be nice to go away for Christams - but we can't as DD has to spend one of the days at her fathers - who I am no longer with.

Feck it I can't bloody stop crying now!

[sunnygirl1412]

You are not a cow. You've clearly tried to see both sides of this issue and have some empathy for your relatives despite this really rather shitty behaviour on their part!! I can quite understand why this is making you feel so bad, but it was probably not have been meant as rejection by your family, and they'd be upset to know that they've upset you so much.

I am sure that you are a lovely person, and your dh, dd and ds adore you - so look at them, not your family. Focus on the fact that you are going to have a loving family christmas.

And please go and find yourself a treat - because you are worth lots of pampering and love.

Christmas hugs

[Rookietherednosedreindeer]

YANBU, it is not a nice thing to happen and whilst I can see the logic behind the decision it doesn't sound as if it has been handled particularly well. I would try to take it at face value though, in the bereavement situation people are often thoughtless, and if it is older people then perhaps the thought of having a child there made it feel like more work or something.

I echo what Leo9 says, make this christmas really special, just think you can eat exactly what you want and watch anything you want on the TV. Perhaps you could invite the relatives that you feel especially close to round for a special meal at a different time of year.

[MadameCastafiore]

That's a good idea LadyLaura - will take the dog out for a nice long walk and DS can come on his new bike from Santa.

[mazzystartled]

oh you poor love
you are not being unreasonable at all
just to clear things up, have the people who have invited you uninvited you? or someone else on their behalf?

you will have a lovely time with dh and ds,

[Flibbertyjibbet]

UA sooooo NBU
I used to feel like this every year from my own sister and her husband. Not good enough to see on Christmas day but good enough to take presents to my mothers to leave for bil to pick up. I never got to see the children (all 6 of them) open their pressies as bil had decreed that he just wanted them to spend a family day for just his own little family at Christmas.

Some people are complete and utter insensitive knobheads at christmas.

You just have to keep reminding yourself of that. Repeat at 30 second intervals until dp is home 'they are complete and utter knobheads and I will have a much nicer Christmas without them'.

Remember - you can't choose your family but you can choose your lovely dp.

[HolyGuacamole]

Aw, you are not being a cow at all!! You're only human

BUgger the lot of them! You know you will have a great day regardless, to hell with the lot of them. Have a cry, have a strop and plan a fab day at home. I know what it's like to be let down by family and it is so shit and embarrassing, the rejection etc etc etc.

Tell your DH when he gets in, I am sure he will give you a shoulder to cry on and help you to have your own little fantastic Christmas together

[MadameCastafiore]

No the one that is related to me uninvited me this morning - 'sorry to let you down, are you around Boxing Day?, New Years Eve? We are having a party New Years Eve would you like to come to that?'

No I want a family on Christmas Day so I don't feel such a bloody worthless reject!

I don't even think I will be able to be civil to them and I will end up looking like a complete cow in the circumstances.

ANd I am such a saddo that I dodn;t even give a hint that I was upset now I wish I had burst out crying - but hey I have had a lifetime of having to hide my feelings incase someone called me selfish - why stop now!

God, I do sound like a right fuck up don't I?

I did choose lovely DH Flibberty - and do you know I feel embarrassed infront of him that my so called family would do this to me.

[tattycoram]

Oh you poor poor thing. That's terrible, people can be so insensitive and you absolutely justified in being upset.

I remember one year, before I'd met DH, my mum went away for christmas and my dad told me that he was too busy on christmas day with his ex partner and their grown up dcs to see me (I know, complicated). God that hurt, so I absolutely know how you feel.

However, you have your lovely DH and your DS, and tbh, he would probably prefer to be at home and able to play with his new toys (and bike) than to have to be on best behaviour at someone else's house.

Have a big hug with your DH (and again, I know what you mean about being embarassed, my DH cannot believe how my family behaves sometimes) and concentrate on having a really lovely day.

[tiredsville]

On Madame, it's a horrible feeling isn't it? But do understand, you do have a wonderful family to spend christmas day with, DH and DS and doggie woggie. Some people have literally no one.

Having a good cry always makes me feel better eventually.

[tattycoram]

you're justified, not you, obviously

[LazySleepy]

YANBU

[MrsSeanBean]

I'm sorry, this is upsetting, I'm sure it will be their loss. How very hurtful for you.

I appreciate the feelings involved with your family, but I think the media have a lot to answer for as well - who says one can't have a great time in a small family unit. YANBU and I do hope you have a lovely Christmas without these rude and unkind people xx

[MadameCastafiore]

Thanks Dandy - problem with expressing my feelings before is that I am always the unreasonable one - or everybody else always has.

I am not even sure I can be reasonable enough to express myself without just crying lots either which would just make things worse.

I think maybe I think more of myself than others do - maybe I am not such a great person - I do try though I am as helpful as I can be and am always willing to lend a hand or do anything for anyone but it's still not bloody good enough.

Now I have just put the phone down on my neighbour who was making a dessert for me - we do a swap a tiramisu for a pavlova - because I couldn;t speak but for crying.

I really think if I brought this up it would be 'but family member x has just lost their x and all you are worried about is where you have Christmas dinner!' - all I can think though is that they are having people round and on Boxing Day and for New Years so obviously the wearing black and wailing has stopped - that is very mean and uncharitable isn't it.

We do a good line of festering in our family - years of it with huge feuds and disharmony on all fronts!

[MrsSeanBean]

Madame - I felt a bit like this the other day over something less hurtful. It's shit when you feel so bad and cry like that. But (and sorry if this sounds cheesy but it's true) let it out and know you are not worthless. You have every right to feel upset. You deserve a break, you really do, it sounds like you're having such a tough time. Wish I could do /say more to help. Just want to send sympathy. (Sorry am so crap at expressing these sorts of things x)

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

madame, that sounds like very shitty treatment of you and no wonder you are upset

but I would like to give you a teensy little virtual slap and say you really should be thankful you have your own happy family unit, albeit small but precious, as many people don't have what you have at this time of year

do you have any neighbours or acquaintances that you know will be on their own? Invite them to your house. You will feel fab and what a great example to ds (as opposed to those tossers who blew you out!)

[MadameCastafiore]

Thanks guys - MrsSeanBean - I feckin hate Sean Bean so you have cheered me up no end - DH loves Sharpe and I think Clive Owen should have been Shapre and not a short blonde Northerner - it is so nice of you to post and believe me just being able to let it all out is help enough.

I know I am grateful to have DH and DS and a nice warm house and lots of food and pressies when others haven't got that and I wish I knew someone who wanted someone to spend Christmas Day with our lot - am just worried that house is going to feel very empty and I will be questionning my worth all day.

God pull your socks up woman and stop being so pathetic!

[MrsSeanBean]

Oh Madame! how can you hate the northern sex god sean?!

[TheOldestCat]

Oh you poor thing. It's ok to feel a bit sad and let down, but NOT to feel worthless. You're not! It's just rotten circumstances, not a reflection of you.

And, like you say, you'll have a lovely day with DH and DS.

Agree with Dandylioness, might be worth talking to them in the new year about this, but not while you're feeling raw.

You're not being pathetic or unreasonable, seems to me.