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AIBU?

to expect my DH to react more to this.............

16 replies

honestfriend · 30/11/2008 19:56

things are tense at home due to my DS living with us again after 4yrs at uni. This is short term- but could last another 6-7 months whilst he gets some cash together. My DH and I have always had issues- mine really as I have never been 100% sure he was the "one" for me - but I have struggled on for years, mainly for the sake of the kids.

my DS can be horrible at times- terrible temper and very argumentative. Today, he was shouting at me - and me to him- and then when DH walks in, DS says to him "She is just so angry with everyone..." in a very sarcastic voice - trying to get DH on side.

This happens constantly- DS trying to get DH to side with him against me. And what does DH do? usually ignores him, or says very quietly, "don't talk about you mum like that". DS does not take much notice and carries on being rude etc etc to me.

I am at the end of my tether as I feel DS is trying to drive a wedge between me and DH- which isn't too difficult!- but my DH doesn't really put him in his place, imo.
Am I over-reacting?

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NCbirdy · 30/11/2008 19:57

how old is he?

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2pt4kids · 30/11/2008 20:00

Is your DH your Ds's Dad?
If not and he hasnt lived with you for years then I expect your DH is trying to let you find your own feet with your DS without butting in and taking over.
If you want him to discipline your DS for you then you need to speak to him about it and see if he is comfortable doing that with a grown man he hasnt brought up himself.

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honestfriend · 30/11/2008 20:00

22 going on 14

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honestfriend · 30/11/2008 20:00

yes, he is his dad and we have been married 25 yrs.

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2pt4kids · 30/11/2008 20:02

Oh sorry, ignore my answer then. It seemed from your OP that he was your son only!

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glasgowstyle · 30/11/2008 20:02

Does your ds have a job?

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Libra1975 · 30/11/2008 20:02

Actually it sounds like your DH is on your side and by not reacting to your DS temper tantrums is doing the correct thing. However you need to talk to your DH and explain how this makes you feel and see what he says.

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honestfriend · 30/11/2008 20:08

DS has a job- same place as DH- temp job for another 6 months.

I have talked and talked and talked to DH about this for the past 20 years. We have almost split up more times than I can remember due to DS temper and DH lack of "correct" response- ie too laid back.

I have to add that I have been battling with leaving DH for along time- basic incompatability- but he really loves me, and I have stayed for the sake of my kids.

When something like this happens I just want to leave- tonight I stormed upstairs and said i was going out- but where could I go on a wet Sunday at 8pm when all my friends live miles away. fed up.

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Ronaldinhio · 30/11/2008 20:09

yabu

With grown adults you must behave as you'd want someone to behave back.
Expecting your husband to fight your battles is unreasonable.

How did you wind up married for 25 years without being sure he was the one?

Perhaps you are quietly angry and perhaps your husband agrees with ds

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honestfriend · 30/11/2008 20:13

I expect my DH to back me up and support me when I have a 22 yr old searing and shouting at me. is that unreasonable? Is it reasonable for my DH not to react to my DS criticising me to him? I think we should work as a team.
How did I end up married for 25 yrs- you tell me- cos I put my kids first, didn't want a divorce. And he loves me and doesn't want it to end.

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Ronaldinhio · 30/11/2008 20:19

As I said perhaps he agreed with your ds and that's why he didn't get involved.

If you are involved ina shouting match with another adult I could perfectly well see why your dh wouldn't get involved.

I think your dh was reasonable and think you are being unreasonable

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noonar · 30/11/2008 20:19

for me the more pressing issue would be that i think you need to put your foot down with ds. tell him that you will not be disrespected in this way. treat you with respect or move out. his choice. otherwise you are letting him get away with this childish behaviour. maybe sit down with dh and decide on a zero tolerance policy towards ds, rather than making dh the enemy

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lalalonglegs · 30/11/2008 20:22

It honestly sounds as if your husband is behaving completely correctly. Your son knows that he can wind you up, your husband refuses to rise to the bait. Try to follow his lead.

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Salleroo · 30/11/2008 20:30

Tell ds he has a month to find somewhere to live. Why should you or your H have to deal with this childish attitude from a 22 year old? He either respects you while he lives under your roof or he finds somewhere else. Please tell me you are not cooking and cleaning for him too.

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NCbirdy · 30/11/2008 20:33

I am afraid I agree, you should not be arguing with an adult like that. You should stop arguing with your son and simply tell him how it is. He is an adulkt now and adults do not behave that way. He is staying in your house and, therefore, will treat you with the respect deserved from someone offering you a home. End Off.

Follow your DH, make a cuppa, put your feet up and repeat your instructions like a mantra in your head. DO NOT REACT! Once you have told your son once and have behaved properly you may find your dh will be more supportive.