Would you define this as violence?

[AuntieMaggie]

I am fuming, but DH thinks I'm making too much of it.

Last night we had a roast dinner and then left as soon as we'd eaten to go and see his parents. When we got back I sat down to watch tv and about half hour later DH said he was hungry so went out to the kitchen to get something to eat.

I could hear him shouting so went out to see what was wrong and he was banging stuff about shouting that the kitchen was a mess, how I never clean up (no comment) and with that he throws a plate into the empty sink and it smashes. I turned round and walked out and he threw a packet of crisps at me as I left (although he said he pushed them off the counter but they went quite far).

So my question is, am I unreasonable to see this as violent behaviour?

I grew up with violence and have been having counselling and talking about it and have come to realise the effect that even low level violence can have, and I think I have a right to tell DH that I don't want him to act like this.

We've had one serious violent episode between us about 18 months ago, which I thought I was over, but I am sick of living with someone who acts like a child when things don't go his own way (kicking and throwing things).

DH just thinks I'm being dramatic and what makes it worse is that he doesn't even think he did anything wrong (i.e having a go at me).

So many of our arguments just kind of fizzle out and don't get resolved but I'm determined not to let it happen this time as it means a lot to me.

[snowleopard]

It isn't very violent in the scheme of things - with no previous problems, I'd forgive smashing a plate and chucking crisps. But, from someone who has been violent, and when you have an issue with it, I think you're absolutely right to make it very clear that you won't stand for it, as it could be a slippery slope. You need to be firm and calm yourself though, don't get hysterical and fly off the handle - calmly explain you're not going to put up with anything like that. You could also calmly discuss his problem with the dishes or whatever and listen to him if he has a point. (I'm not saying he has, I don't know - and he only would have a point insofar as you both pulling your weight. If he is expecting you to do it all the HIBU.)

[compo]

I think to throw a plate so hard into the sink that it smashes is quite violent really tbh

[compo]

violent enough to maybe need a bit of anger managment espeically given is previous history at least

[policywonk]

Well, it was violent in that something got smashed. I suppose he could argue that it wasn't violent towards you (crisps notwithstanding).

However, it was childish and aggressive, which is something you absolutely don't have to put up with, particularly when he knows your history and when he's been violent towards you before.

Sounds as though he has difficulty controlling his temper. Does he recognise this? (Speaking as someone who threw the phone across the room this morning )

Also, why the hell does he think you should do the cleaning up?

[snowleopard]

But if someone smashes a plate in a moment of anger, possibly not entirely deliberately but out of crashing around in a strop - well, I've done it and I think it's not necessarily DV. I suppose it could be intimidating; it depends on the person and how they did it.

[Simplysally]

It depends on the context really but if the crisps were thrown to continue the argument or to upset you as it were, then yes, it was violence. I'd have lobbed them back at him though - probably the plate as well.

[beanieb]

violent towards the sink, and the plate maybe! Childish perhaps and if it scares you then it is something your oh should be aware of.

If you are going to define it as domestic violence towards yourself then you need to work out what action you want to take.

[newforold]

If this sort of behaviour (ie shouting, banging/throwing things and general tantrums) is happening on a regular basis it can make the other party feel that they are walking on eggshells half the time.
You end up being very careful not to set off a tantrum and it's pretty awful for the kids to see as well.

Is he aware of how he is acting and does he know what it makes you feel like?

When would you have had time to clear up if you went straight out yesterday?
To me that sounds pretty irrational. If you haven't had time to do something what would make you chucka tantrum about it.

My other half used to do this, until i left him a short while ago. We are back together now but he has had to change an awful lot to allow us both to continue as a family with our children.

[LittleOneMum]

I think it's violent. If my DH did this I'd think he'd acted violently.

[AuntieMaggie]

It's like a child who throws his toy across the room when it won't do what he wants more than domestic violence, but still don't think I should put up with it.

At the time I just walked away, but have told him this morning it's not on.

As for the cleaning - I spent all weekend last weekend cleaning the house when he was away on a stag weekend only for him and his mates to spill beer and food all over the floor when they were watching the football the other night. I do most of the cleaning apart from the past few weeks when he has been home from work (so why shouldn't he - he would expect me to) and because I've been feeling shit due to working late and feeling run down. I guess that's his other childishness coming out - when he cleans up once he suddenly does it all the time and generalises!

I think it was out of order to completely flip on me like that - he knew the washing up hadn't been done as I'd been with him since we'd eaten and had only been home half hour.

It was the whole thing that I considered "violent", though maybe I was looking for "agressive" instead - the complete mood swing, and shouting at me and throwing a plate with quite a bit of force so it smashed.

[ilovetochat]

havin come from a house where doors were punched, it's voilent and very scary!

[Lucifera]

Violent and unacceptable, I think. He needs to change his act. Good luck with it.

[idontbelieveit]

I think violent and frightening and you must not put up with it. If my dh did this he'd be out of the house, at least for the night...i'm lucky, he never would.

[NotCod]

you cna be charged wihtcommon assault wihtout even attacking anyone

yes it was violence
it intended to intimidate oyu

i think it would be deemed vioelnt by the courts

[ethanchristopher]

this sounds like a huge over-reaction, did you cook the dinner too?

ignore him men tend to get uptight about being told off

[Servalan]

Even if his behaviour wasn't "violent" in the sense of striking a person, it was nasty and intimidating.

I get the feeling from your post that this has happened before?

Totally not on. YANBU.

[Servalan]

Actually - looking at my last post I should have said that actually, yes, I do think the behaviour could be described as "violence", even if people argued semantics in terms of striking a person/an inanimate object.

[babbi]

I would not be happy with his attitude and what he did with the plate and crisps - you know deep down he is totally out of order.
You appear to be questioning yourself ....explaining about the cleaning up etc you do as if checking within yourself / verifying facts ie is anything that he did or said justified ? To me dodgy road to go down , don`t let anyone set you on that train of thought .. Take care

[onebatmother]

Sorry your experiencing this, AuntieMaggie.

If his violence was intended to stop you behaving in a certain way (rather than being an expression of pure frustration at something not connected to you), then it's domestic violence, I think.

If it's sheer frustration, and you tell him it scares you, and he does it again, then I'd also class that as violence.

So I definitely defined what your dp has done as violent.

I hope you manage to resolve this. At the very least, please don't allow him to convince you it's nothing. It is definitely something.

[onebatmother]

you're

[bloomingfedup]

violence, probably not - aggression yes. is it worth it?

[onebatmother]

damn that's what I meant to write - aggression, yes. Which is really the important bit: trying to change the situation by scaring the other person.