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AIBU?

To NEVER EVER speak to my sister or her H again?Everyone come and have a say, It's very long but I'd REALLY appreciate help with this, it's life changing.

125 replies

mumblesmummy · 21/07/2008 12:51

I've moaned about her on here before. This is long.

Her H has had endless amounts of money out of my parents and he's ungrateful, horrible, and has pretty much destroyed the family- and her, really, as he is obviously one of those men who conduct emotional and mental domestic violence.

I met my DP 16 months ago. We hit it off straight away, we're both very, very happy together, we settled each other down and I got on REALLY well with his family. So, as I absolutely adored my family and was so proud of them, I asked him to meet them.

We took along his Godson (who's mum died when he was 5 weeks old). He'd have been about 6 months old and he is a very beautiful, happy, smiley, charming baby with huge eyes. You can't help but love him. Mum and dad loved him to bits. But my sister and her H were distant with my DP from the start. They seemed to HATE that it was serious. I didn't really understand why.

DP and I went on holiday together, and got engaged. Soon after, I became pregnant. Fortunately for us, we're very suited and perfect together, so it's worked out well. DP had tried for a baby for a few years with an ex and she hadn't got pregnant. She told him that it was his fault and he was convinced he couldn't have children, as were his family. So everyone was absolutely overjoyed. My mum and dad and brother were extatic. However, mum seemed terrified, and so she told us that my sister had been trying for a baby for 7 years and was going through IVF.

However, my sister desperately did not want me to know this. So I had to pretend I didn't know, and ring and tell her I was pregnant. She cried on the phone and was horrible to me. But I understood why, so I was just nice.

Her and her H wouldn't speak to me or DP for 3 months. They invited family and friends to their's but left us out. They called my mums to check we were out before they came over. We were living with my parents at this time, as we were having problems with our rented house and couldn't stay there for a couple of months. This made things even harder.

I became so stressed out with it all that I was on edge constantly. I got high blood pressure and one day had a row with dad which resulted in him not speaking to me either for a good few weeks. We were living under the same roof. I apologised and we got back to normal, and one night he came to pick me up from college and said he was taking me and DP to my sister's as she wanted to see us.

I knew at this point the iVF had worked. They were extatic and said in so many words that they were sorry but it had been hard for them. By this stage I'd had bleeds, cramps, high BP, everything, because they were so cruel.

But I let it go. But they still didn't want too much to do with me. They were so fixated on the fact they'd had to have IVF and I'd got pregnant 12 days after coming off contraception. But I shouldn't have to feel guilty for getting pregnant and being happy.

Things were strained between us because they kept me and DP at arm's length. until one day, she had a scan and it showed that the twins weren't growing properly and she'd have to have a c section that day. Her life was in danger as she had HELLP syndrome. I was TERRIFIED. I was 8 and a half months pregnant and I was an emotional wreck by this stage. My nana (who sadly died last week) was in intensive care, as was my auntie, my DP was in a hospital 80 miles away after an accident at work and I was alone and starting to get a LOT of twinges.

I cried none stop, until they were born safe, and immediately felt such a strong love for my little nieces, and my sister. So much so that we put everything behind us and I asked her to be God mum. Her babies were in a hospital an hour away for about 8 or 9 weeks. By which time my baby was home, but he'd stopped breathing twice. For which we received little sympathy because their situation was 'much worse'.

My sister saw my son once in this time. She said she'd buy him certain presents, and asked us to tell other people not to buy them, but we never received them. Eventually I found out that her H wouldn't see my son as he said it was 'too upsetting'. So once again we'd be left outside the family circle.

I could see nothing of my mum, dad or brother as my nana had contracted C Diff and we coudn't risk it being passed to any of the babies.

During this time I made the effort to keep txting and ringing my sister asking about the twins all the time. However, a lot of the time she'd not answer the phone, or she'd not txt back. Now and again she did answer the phone and we'd have a nice chat.

So when the babies came home, I was over the moon and kept trying to go and see them but she kept putting me off. Like one day I txt to say I was on my way and she tried to talk me out of going, but her house ois 5 miles away and I was almost there. When I got there, my mum, dad and brother were there... so why hadn't she wanted me, DP and our son to go?

My dad took me to see them one day, and I cuddled the twin girls for ages. I fussed over them and said they were beautiful, but my son sat in his carseat and they didn't bother to hold him once. They constantly went on about how he's so big (he's 2 weeks younger than the girls but they are 4lb 5 and 5lb 5, and he is 13lb 4 as he was born at 8lb 11. they acted as though he was second best and not cute, and said he looks like he should be walking or something. They wouldn't let me put him in the twin's swing when he got restless (he likes to be rocked. He was 8 weeks old at the time).

So that night, DP came to see the girls for the first time. He cood over them and made a real effort, despite thinking very little of my sis and her H after they'd said many nasty things about us and tried to stop us staying at mums when we had nowhere else to go as they didn't want us using 'their room' (the guest bedroom), even though it wasn't being used.

Suddenly her H changed and fussed over our son and put him in the twins swing. It was all for my DPs benefit. Like the put on some weird show. I didn't mention this to DP.

Our son started crying, so DP took him out in the garden as he likes to look around and be nosey (the baby, not DP). Her H said to me 'do you want me to make him a bottle of water?' So i said yes that was kind of him. Then I realised, he was making it with an unsterilised bottle, even though he had sterilised other bottled. My sis stopped him and said 'use a sterilised one'. He did it on purpose, as I watched him go to use a sterilised one and then change his mind, and he looked all caught out when she told him to use a sterilised one.

Then we went to see them a few days later, and we had an almost new phone, then we'd gotten a newer one as we upgraded on our contract. So they asked if they could have the almost new one. We gave them that and a load of nappies and cotton balls and things to help them along.

myself and Dp were VERY poorly, and had to have a doctor out to us, so we sent our son to stay with our mum for three nights as we didn't want him to catch it. i can't stand to be away from son so it was very difficult for me. My sister is annoyed about this as she said i have DPs family to 'use' as her H's family live away, so she's only got my mum to help. I don't understand how she could begrudge my mum minding my baby when I was ill. My mum adores my son and wanted to look after him anyway.

So nana died this week and tensions have been ridiculous. We're all very stressed as we loved her very much and were very close to her, however, my mum is REALLy devastated.

My wedding is in 1 year, and I rang the dress shop to discuss when I should get my dress as we're getting married abroad. they said it would have to be 12 months in advance so that t arrives in time and can be taken in (as I am losing my baby weight) before the wedding. So mum took me to pick the dress. When we got back, she started shouting at me about nothing, and we fell out a bit. I tried to talk to my sister about this and she started yelling at me on the phone infront of all my DPs family as we were at a BBQ, which she knew. She went crazy for ages saying that my wedding can wait and all this stuff. But the wedding is booked and the dress HAS to be ordered this month. Then she started saying that there'd been hardly any warning of my wedding and she'd only got married two years ago which dad had paid for, so how could I be so selfish as to get married 2 years after getting engaged (she was engaged for ten years as her H kept calling it off and back on again).

I was meant to get married this year but we put it off til next year as dad had said he'd like an extra year to save. So how is that selfish? We're also not being as extravagant as she was with her wedding. My dress is half the price etc etc.

She said that everything is always my fault as no one is ever nasty to me unjustly. So I said 'oh so you havn't been nasty to me once whilst I've been pregnant or when I had the baby have you not?' and the next thing she was screaming and shouting about IVF and how I could never understand how awful it is etc etc. She wouldn't listen when I was trying to explain that I'm not saying anything about that, I'm just saying she hasn't made an effort to come and see my son for ten minutes since he was a week old and she ruined my pregnancy when it should have been a happy time as DP thought he couldn't have children. She just kept screaming about the IVF and how they're so badly done to and how I got pregnant after 2 weeks and she was devastated, and she couldn't help but not want anything more to do with me etc etc.

THEN her H starts yelling in the background 'if she's bringing this much it'll get fucking bigger than this. Seriously, it's bigger than just this now.' blah blah blah. So I hung up.

I don't want their negative influence in our lives any longer. He's a horrible man. He yelled at my mum in the middle of asda 2 days after her mum died. My sister ignored me when i brought that up. He's manipulated the family and everyone in it hates him, but tries to keep him happy because he mentally abuses my sister and they don't want her to pick him and never bother with us again.

I'm done with it though. He's ruled the family for too long. I don't know who he thinks he is. He wouldn't let my sister speak to my mum for 3 weeks when I got pregnant as he blamed my mum (how??) and he was checking her messages to make sure there was no contact.

My sister also started slagging off my DP on the phone, and she said about my son 'well he hasn't been in hospital for 10 weeks has he?' like he's not important.

She also said that i need to look at myself because everything's my fault, and when i said I'd been making an effort with her she said 'well yes I'd noticed that I have actually ENJOYED spending a bit of time with you since the girls have been born.' She said it as though it was outrageous to enjoy spending time with me. She's always quick to tell me I'm a horrible person and that I'm the evil member of the family.

But most of all, I hate that her DP got involved.

So I'm cutting them out of our lives.

AIBU?

Well done if you read this far.

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mumblechum · 21/07/2008 12:56

Sorry only skimmed after the first few paras.

YANBU. If these people are making you this unhappy, stop seeing them.