Need help with my MIL. What should I do, what am I doing so wrong, and should I let her mind my little baby? Need your words of wisdom MNers

[luvlymummy]

My MIL is a total control freak. I've always worked my arse off and got my degree and everything, but when i got pregnant she tried to get DP to talk me into getting a council house. I don't feel the need to do anything like that when I'm perfectly capable of working hard to have a nice home for my DP and baby. DP always works very hard too.

So I clash with her a lot because she's too overpowering and sticks her nose in and has too much to say for herself. She apparently likes me but she's a very selfish, self absorbed person so it doesn't come across this way.

When we had the baby I didn't want her round all the time, and I didn't want to go to hers constantly. I wanted to spend time with my new baby who had nearly died, and my DP. My family accepted this and left us to do our own thing.

When our baby nearly died 2 days after I'd given birth to him, she turned up at the hospital crying and ran straight to the baby, hugged him, then hugged DP and THEN eventually came over to me and asked if I was ok.. baring in mind I'd just been through a horrible labour, and my son had nearly died in my arms. I was trying to hold myseolf together, and she was bawling her eyes out and getting involved all over the place.

Then she got all moody because my mum helps me out all the time when DPs at work so she sees a lot of the baby as she makes an effort to. MIL won't get off her lazy arse and come and see him or do anything to help out, or ask us to call over, or ask us to go into town for a hot chocolate or anything.

She has lost babies a couple of years before i got pregnant and so she said 'this is the closest I'll get to being a mum again' when i was 9 months pregnant. Which really freaked me out.

Then she'd started being funny with us.

At his christening she left early and went to another pub with SIL,her fella and his parents. We were really annoyed. Her and DP had a big row and he told me the basic jist. The next day I rang to ask if she'd like to mind him for an hour as my nana had died. I could have asked other people but i wanted to include her so I asked her. She was in the pub as usual and she said 'I was moaning at [DP] last night because you never let us look after the baby and we feel like we can never have him on our own, and when you ask us we're out. It's such a shame. Ask [DP's] auntie instead though please.'

So i did. I like his auntie.

But I'm annoyed that she was slagging me off saying I never let her have the baby. He's only a few weeks old and he's been on children's ward a fair few times.

Am i a cow or is she?

[missblythe]

She sounds nutty. And a drunk.

Of course YANBU, lots of people don't hand over their baby to someone else for MONTHS, never mind ones who are extra precious, like yours

[RubySlippers]

YANBU

she sounds quite mad

[beanieb]

You say "When we had the baby I didn't want her round all the time, and I didn't want to go to hers constantly"

and then

"MIL won't get off her lazy arse and come and see him or do anything to help out, or ask us to call over, or ask us to go into town for a hot chocolate or anything"

so I am a bit confused about what you want. Perhaps she took your initial reluctance after the birth to heart and has distanced herself on purpose?

Maybe you need to go and see here a bit more so that you can include her in your CD's life a bit more? MAybe split the care your mum does between your MIL and you r Mum rather than letting your mum do it all?

[cory]

A more constructive way of putting it is that she has obviously got issues. Probably more than you can deal with just atm, but she may still come into her own when ds is a little older. So keep it ticking over if you possibly can without getting too involved.

[beanieb]

sorry meant DC's not CD's.

How does your DP feel about his mum?

[luvlymummy]

Oh and also she smokes and the baby stinks of smoke when he's been there. She goes out the back to smoke, but she doesn't wash her hands and she kisses and cuddles him afterwards. Also, if the baby's out the back in the garden in his pram, she still smokes out there as she thinks the wind will blow it away. How the hell does smoke know where it can and can't go. Of course it's going to waft all over my baby.

AND she's tried to stick spanners in the works for me and DP getting married.

[beanieb]

I'm still struggling with "Then she got all moody because my mum helps me out all the time when DPs at work so she sees a lot of the baby as she makes an effort to. MIL won't get off her lazy arse and come and see him or do anything to help out, or ask us to call over, or ask us to go into town for a hot chocolate or anything."

Sounds to me like she's not interested, you don't want her to be so...?

[AbbeyA]

Generally I stick up for MILs but she seems a bit unbalanced! I would let her see her grandchild but I wouldn't leave her in sole charge at the moment. I hope that your baby is now well, you have been through a lot if he is still so young.

[luvlymummy]

beanie- all we asked for was one week to ourselves when he was first born so that we could get used to being a family without all the fuss. she wouldn't let us have it. But now she can see him when she wants she just sits on her arse and moans that she doesn't get to see him. Why not call round or ask to see or anything?? I don't let anyone look after the baby. It's just that mum takes us shopping when DPs got the car at work, or she'll just call round to see the baby, or take us to the doctors if he needs to go, all those sorts of little bits. MIL never bothers at all.

DP loves his mum but she drives him mad. He'll defend her to the death but she still really annoys him with all the mean stuff she does.

[mustsleep]

just to point out that when i unexpextedly fell pregnant with ds myself and dh had to get a council house as we could not afford anything else - although we both did work very hard and we do have a nice house

[luvlymummy]

It's sort of like she sees her arse and doesn't bother with us and then phones after about a week and has a go at us. But like today, I said I said she could mind him for an hour at 11am, but she said no, she wanted him at 12 instead.. every last thing is awkward and on her terms all the time. She's called round to see him once, and he's 2 and a half months old.

DP takes our car to work and her husband takes their car to work so we're both in the same boat.

[luvlymummy]

mustsleep- sorry, hope I didn't offend. It's just that she's too lazy to work so she got a council house out of pure lazyness. I would have one if that's all we could manage, and I wouldn't mind. But I just want us to put a lot of hours in and get our own house. We're renting private at the moment, and we're lucky enough to be able to do this, so why get a council house and deprive someone who really needs one of one?