to think that i should be able to eat a bananna/sausage in my own house without dh turning into a randy 15 year old.

(108 Posts)
kerryk Fri 20-Jun-08 17:07:43

i mean ffs, do men ever stop thinking about getting there leg over?

misdee Fri 20-Jun-08 17:08:07


OrmIrian Fri 20-Jun-08 17:09:14

Ah the old pork sword eh?

No. They don't. Even when they are middle aged.

My bloke doesn't. No that I'm complaining but...

<wild generalization approaching>
Where are their brains located?wink

ivykaty44 Fri 20-Jun-08 17:10:58

You are lucky that he is as old as 15 - most men stop at 12 and never get any older grin

kerryk Fri 20-Jun-08 17:11:20

oh can i also add bending over to that list, even my mum has commented that i am the only person she knows who looks nervous when bending over. it has to be bad if even she has noticed.

kerryk Fri 20-Jun-08 17:11:38

true ivy grin

BalloonSlayer Fri 20-Jun-08 17:58:23

PMSL at the bending over, Kerry!

My DH is as bad.

And do you also get the "while you're down there" line whenever you are on your knees for whatever reason?

And the really funny thing is my DH is the post politically correct bloke anyone has ever met in their lives.


kerryk Fri 20-Jun-08 17:59:24

And do you also get the "while you're down there" line whenever you are on your knees for whatever reason?

YES all the time!!!

BalloonSlayer Fri 20-Jun-08 18:00:35

I meant most not post

Freudian slip though perhaps. Maybe there really such a thing as "post politically correct."

The old subconscious could actually be on to something here. hmm

whatdayisit Fri 20-Jun-08 18:07:16

I take a Banana and a yogurt to work with me for breakfast and eat it add my desk - I would add especially when they're middle aged OrmIrian.

I do it deliberately to brighten their days now. smile

dittany Fri 20-Jun-08 18:13:18

I'd be telling him if he ever wanted sex again, that he'd need to cut that out right away. I can't imagine any bigger turn off than a bloke who thinks he's in a Carry On film.

Mind you blokes finding someone eating a banana erotic is a bit thick. Those are teeth going into it.

kerryk Fri 20-Jun-08 18:21:03

it is a major turn off. have no idea why he thinks otherwise because i have told him plenty of times.

dittany Fri 20-Jun-08 18:23:36

He needs to face consequences then. The adult version of the naughty step. grin

You could also mess with his head and ask him if he thinks of gay blowjobs when he sees men eating bananas and sausages. That might be an image he can't escape from.

expatinscotland Fri 20-Jun-08 18:26:12

'do men ever stop thinking about getting there leg over?'

some of them do.

what is he, in year 10?

is he 21?

that would so majorly put me off. not even funny after a while. just stupid.

i don't understand what some people put up with.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt Fri 20-Jun-08 18:29:06

Yeah, but they might enjoy the naughty step smile

I can never understand why men love to see woman sweating either. Quite a few I know find it a real turn on - very odd.

kerryk Fri 20-Jun-08 18:38:19

yes i could see mine enjoying the naughty step a bit to much!!

dittany Fri 20-Jun-08 18:40:21

That's why I said the adult version - i.e. no sex until he packs it in. He probably wouldn't enjoy that.

BalloonSlayer Fri 20-Jun-08 19:21:18

Well you could start mashing your bananas and cutting your sausages into pieces I suppose.

Actually my DH doesn't do the letching if I eat those items* but as I said does do the rest.

Although I do sometimes say it's like living with Sid James, actually I don't find it all that bad. At least he still fancies me.

*although he is a vegetarian and there is often an oh-so-hilarious double entendre deployed when we are having vegetarian sausages for tea, so perhaps you can count me in on that one after all...

Flashman Fri 20-Jun-08 20:38:45

I imagine thats why we are always much happier than most women - never having to grow up!!

BEAUTlFUL Fri 20-Jun-08 20:54:05

I could eat eclairs doing yoga and my DH wouldn't raise an eyebrow, let alone a sweat.

<<frets over state of marriage>>

BEAUTlFUL Fri 20-Jun-08 20:55:23

Yesterday I ate a carrot. Nothing.

<<opens new window onto>>

hellish Fri 20-Jun-08 20:56:45

Can I add getting undressed, taking a shower, or just generally breathing in and out to your list?

BEAUTlFUL Fri 20-Jun-08 21:22:34

Is this some horrific "Who has the keenest husband" contest?

hellish Fri 20-Jun-08 21:36:39

ha ha beautiful - i hadn't thought of it that way. He often tells me I should be grateful he's still interested.

I find it bloody offputting actually

smartiejake Fri 20-Jun-08 21:36:58

Take one large cucumber.

Take one large meat cleaver.

Chop cucumber in vicious manner in front of dp/dh.

Problem solved!

loveverona Fri 20-Jun-08 21:37:14

Yep, getting a little nauseating, no?

Tutter Fri 20-Jun-08 21:37:56

BEAUTIFUL you do make me larf

DoubleBluff Fri 20-Jun-08 21:39:25

K's mum noticing she gets nervous bending over, that has made me laugh!

kerryk Fri 20-Jun-08 21:41:24

acording to dh i have the sexiest way of putting on a pair of knickers hmm

this is usually ay 8-00am when i should have been dressed 20 mins ago and i am trying to pull on a pair of knickers while doing my hair and make-up while getting 2 dd's out the door, and he is bloody running around after me to find out if i have a spare 2 mins to jump back into bloody bed angry

yes i know i should be glad he still finds me attractive, especially since i have put on a fair bit of weight since we met. i just wish he could find me attractive for 30 secs before we go to sleep and see me as a bit of a mutt the rest of the time.

windygalestoday Fri 20-Jun-08 21:44:09

when ds2 was in nursery the nursey teacher approached me ,,,,,,,,,'how does your husband greet you in the morning?' 'pardon?' says i.. well to cut a long story short ds2 was going into nursery every morning slapping his teacher on the arse and saying mornin darlin!!!!.

i too fear one day i will end up in the oven every time i bend over he cops a feel (dh not ds obviously!}

bambi06 Fri 20-Jun-08 21:45:31

how come my dh walks in the door the exact moment im about to get undressed/dressed,etc do they have an inbuilt radar for a naked body... and that also includes walking through the front door ,its not as though he s hovering around the house!!! cucumbers /carrots taken out of the fridge to honestly make a salad...its so annoying!!

DoubleBluff Fri 20-Jun-08 21:46:13

LOL Windy!!
MY DH and Ds's always slap me on the behind when I am washing up...

BEAUTlFUL Fri 20-Jun-08 21:47:21

I'm here naked, eating strawberry Mini Milks.

DH is upstairs doing invoices.

<<breathes into paper bag>>

Tutter Fri 20-Jun-08 21:47:40


BEAUTlFUL Fri 20-Jun-08 21:57:59

I used to have a BF with an unhealthy interest in me. (I have been attractive, look!) He was always up for having a morning shag, but I couldn't be bothered. Instead, he'd lie behind me, basically wanking off into my back. (Boak.)

So this relationship is a bit of a relief. The freedom to pipe whipped cream into brandy snaps, starkers, is liberating.

kerryk Fri 20-Jun-08 22:00:26

He was always up for having a morning shag, but I couldn't be bothered. Instead, he'd lie behind me, basically wanking off into my back. (Boak.)

i have no idea what that must feel like blushangry

dittany Fri 20-Jun-08 22:01:30

That sounds like a dog shagging your leg Beautiful. Horrible.

This sort of behaviour is not a compliment.

windygalestoday Fri 20-Jun-08 22:02:34

i dunno what it is with early morning shagging??

BEAUTlFUL Fri 20-Jun-08 22:23:13

Maybe this is my fault. Maybe writing "PREP H!! DO NOT FORGET!!" on that last shopping list was a mistake?

Feels sad that she can eat a banana, bend over and generally exist without dp taking a blind bit of notice. The sex drive fairy has obviously missed dp.

And also I would love early morning or any time of the day except bedtime shagging lol.

windygalestoday Fri 20-Jun-08 22:58:54

bedtime shagging is my fave

BEAUTlFUL Fri 20-Jun-08 23:08:10

In real life, my DH actually roused himself to follow me up to bed just now, and say he'd like to "tuck you in", and I said no cos I'd rather Mumsnet.


chefswife Fri 20-Jun-08 23:10:12

i've had the same experiences. right now DH ogles my (what he's calling them to himself and all his friends) big, milky breasts while i climb into bed naked (can't stand wearing anything to bed) then he actually giggles a bit and hides under the covers.

Sobernow Fri 20-Jun-08 23:15:10

windygales - thank you for a great post!

badgermonkey Fri 20-Jun-08 23:15:14

My DH says "hubba hubba" every time he sees me take my top off. We've been together ten years - that's a minimum of 3500 times he's had the chace to see my breasts. It's OK not to comment on them sometimes!

BEAUTlFUL Fri 20-Jun-08 23:22:14

OK, giggling and hiding I can live without.
And he talks to his friends about your boobs?!

Mumooms Fri 20-Jun-08 23:22:38

The sex drive fairy has obviously missed mine too AbstractMouse hmm

Tbh I'd love a bit of innuendo for a change!

But that's probably a whole other thread on its own.

Sobernow Fri 20-Jun-08 23:22:42

Mine slaps my arse as if I am a chambermaid. He also says 'ooh hello!' if I even move my hands bra-wards. And he also says 'while you're down there' if I go to pick something up off the floor.

I honestly hadn't seen myself in a Carry On marriage til now - but it's plain for all to see isn't it?


Mumooms Fri 20-Jun-08 23:24:39

He talks about them to his friends? I'd be happy if mine even thought about/glanced at them once in a while!

chefswife Sat 21-Jun-08 06:13:10

yes. you'd be amazed at how personal kitchens can be. after 18 years though i am somehow de-sensitized to it all. i stopped thinking about the silliness of mens sexual comments and motions. silly silly boys.

WideWebWitch Sat 21-Jun-08 06:15:25

lol at this thread.

bambi06 Sat 21-Jun-08 21:42:13

try getting a couple of bricks out and offering to castrate him!!!!grin

twinsetandpearls Sat 21-Jun-08 21:45:15

I thought is was just my dp who said "pork sword" and "while you're down there" am not sure if I am relived or disapointed to know they are all the same.

I'm off to buy some sausages, bananas and eclairs as my DH has the opposite problem! I may cook in only an apron and high heels to get the old testosterone a flowing too!
Ahhh lucky you, I'd make the most of it.

BouncingTurtle Sun 22-Jun-08 05:43:56

Can we just clear something up... you didn't have the sausage and banana in the same sandwich?
Because that would be just ewwwwwww. Unless your pg and it is your strange pgcy craving...

BouncingTurtle Sun 22-Jun-08 05:44:25

you're not your.
Bit sleep deprived atm.

twinsetandpearls Sun 22-Jun-08 11:24:09

God if I had sausage and banana in the pork sword he would explode with excitement.

Ice creams or lollies send him sex mad as well.

Tas1 Sun 22-Jun-08 15:39:21

Does your DH squeeze your boobs and say HONK HONK whenever you are trying to talk to him?

expatinscotland Sun 22-Jun-08 15:54:01

grab my boobs and say 'honk honk' whilst i'm trying to have a conversation with him?

slap my arse whilst i'm putting something in a frickin' oven?

say, 'while you're down there' when i pick something off the floor?

can someone explain to me what is sexy, cute, funny or endearing about this?

because I don't see it.

outside of junior school, there are so many other ways of making someone feel attractive or sexy or letting them know you fancy them without acting like a 13-year-old.

i'd have left any chap who behaved like this at the kerb long before we got to the getting getting married/having kids stage because i prefer men, not teenagers.

dittany Sun 22-Jun-08 15:56:23

Agree expatinscotland, it seems very weird and quite unpleasant actually.

bungalowbelle Sun 22-Jun-08 15:56:35

I almost stopped buying cucumbers for this very reason.

expatinscotland Sun 22-Jun-08 15:58:58

'I almost stopped buying cucumbers for this very reason. '

how sad. i eat what i please without giving it a second thought.

i honestly can't imagine putting up with such behaviour from an adult, i really can't, because i see it as really unpleasant; nothing cute or endearing about it at all IMO.

bungalowbelle Sun 22-Jun-08 16:00:38

Expat I'm only havin' a larf. Anyway, I like that he's randy for me and willing to show it. It's not like I don't have the ability to say 'no' if I don't share his enthusiasm.

mamalovesmojitos Sun 22-Jun-08 16:02:56

god i think it's hilarious! but i must have a childish sense of humour. rofl at this thread.

dittany Sun 22-Jun-08 16:03:10

Doesn't it get a bit wearing bungalowbelle?

Like I said further up thread it sounds more like having your leg shagged by a randy dog than anything very flattering.

Spidermama Sun 22-Jun-08 16:05:23

My dh is always trying to get me to put things away in low drawers. wink I love it. I think it's hilarious.

I can't beleive the po-facedness of some on this thread.

yaz2 Sun 22-Jun-08 16:15:29

this thread is great rofl.

twinsetandpearls Sun 22-Jun-08 16:44:06

God yes Tas he does do the honk honl thing. The worrying things is he does it to the dog as well, except he squeezes his nose rather than boobs and hopefully it is not meant to be foreplay.

twinsetandpearls Sun 22-Jun-08 16:47:53

Expat I do find it cute most of the time and I am not much different. I have just copped a feel while going past dp in our very narrow kitchen.

I am also lovingly mocking dp, there is much more to him that the odd honk honk.

pmsl at this thread.
I have a hubby who does the 'whilst you are down there'
parp parp
are you cold?

I dont take a blind bit of notice of him. He knows I dont really take any notice of him at the best of times.
I do however get my own back usually when he is sitting down -cuse I cant reach otherwise - and pull my top over his head. Sadly this has clearly been noticed by the children as dd commented today....daddy...was that quite awful for you?
I find that and flashing through the window at him at ever given opportunity revenge enough. He is paranoid one of the builders will notice.
Yes and for all at MN I HAVE NO SHAME!!

megandtyler Sun 22-Jun-08 16:59:31

i thought iwas the only one
dh does all of the above and says i shoud be grateful he still finds me fanciable.
do your hubbys do the rubbing a hard on into your back when you're trying to sleep?

not the rubbing hard on your back thing, but are you tired? is his horribly subtle way of asking for sex

megandtyler Sun 22-Jun-08 17:08:45

i couldn't flash my dh it would only encourage him
he is forever saying show me you titties anyway

dittany Sun 22-Jun-08 17:13:29

Are you grateful magandtyler?

twinsetandpearls Sun 22-Jun-08 17:19:09

I do the flasing thing as well. I thik dp and I deserve each other really.

Tas1 Sun 22-Jun-08 17:23:38

Twinsetandpearls - you've got me worried now, I'm going to watch him with the dog!!!

noddyholder Sun 22-Jun-08 17:28:49

for 17yrs without exeption every time dp sees me naked he says you don't get many of those to the pound and as for eating bananas..........

Tas1 Sun 22-Jun-08 17:41:41

If I walk past him naked, he always says 'careful, you nearly had my eye out then'.
He thinks he's sooooooo funny!!! grin

Spidermama Sun 22-Jun-08 18:47:19

grin Gawd love 'em!

oh tas1, i forgot that one

lostinfrance Sun 22-Jun-08 19:28:32

if i have a sore throat my dh says, without fail 'i've got something for that'

if i say i'm cold he says something about getting out his 'thermal lance'

if i bend over he always grabs my arse and pretends to hump me

i love him. i think it's funny. i am babs windsor to his sid james

Miggsie Sun 22-Jun-08 19:36:13

I take it no one on this thread ever dares eat a Cadbury's flake?
Once, when a bit naive, I ate a flake at the canteen at work. I work in engineering... I was the only woman at the table...eventually the other woman in engineering came over and rolled all their tongues up and back into their mouths.

DH is not like this thank God, EXCEPT, when I get sweaty doing gardening...why do men like sweat???!!!

Spidermama Sun 22-Jun-08 20:03:04

ROFL @ Lostinfrance's dh with his sore throat remedy.

Spidermama Sun 22-Jun-08 20:04:21

I do enjoy a flake now and again but usually the guilt at downing chocolate makes me, erm, facilitate said flake in private rather than in front of anyone who might appreciate it.

Spidermama Sun 22-Jun-08 20:04:51

I do eat those indecently long, bendy tofu sausages in public though.

scorpio1 Sun 22-Jun-08 20:05:36

if i bend down to say do up my shoe dh says 'whilst your down there' grin

also sore throat, even im hungry hmm 'i've got something for that'

scorpio1 Sun 22-Jun-08 20:06:48


i flash dh when he is on the phone - i get my boobs out and its so funny when he tries to concentrate on the call!

Spidermama Sun 22-Jun-08 20:07:34

My dh has a similar thing about protein being good for me.

I have the Carry On music in my head every time I open this thread.

hahahha oh yes I hear that one about the sore throat all the time.

He calls it

Elixior of Youth


BalloonSlayer Sun 22-Jun-08 21:14:06

Forgot to mention. DH also always used to have the habit of saying, whenever I said I needed to clean my teeth: "I'll clean your teeth for you!!"

I have now retaliated, saying the same to him whenever he says he needs to clean his hmm adding for good measure "hur - hur - hurrr!!"

Which I think has hurt his feelings a little.

BalloonSlayer Sun 22-Jun-08 21:15:19

Oh yeah and there was also a kind offer to "take my temperature" if ever I required the service

kerryk Sun 22-Jun-08 21:16:57

aahhh yes, my dh calls it his cure for anything!!! if only we could bottle it we would be worth a fortune.

hah I reckon live in a dreamworld where everything revolves around them

dittany Sun 22-Jun-08 21:28:00

The sad thing is they probably do believe they have wonder-willies. Knobs. grin

pmsl dittany

OrmIrian Sun 22-Jun-08 22:01:07

I have often been amazed at DH's ability to give me his full attention when I take my dressing gown off to get dressed in the morning. He might be fast asleep, or reading the sports pages (same thing) but the moment that dressing gown hits the floor he's there, watching every move. I find it annoying but the time it stops is the time I have to start to worry I suspect hmm

Does ANYBODY else have the opposite problem? FGS!
I have now filled the fridge with cucmbers, massive snags (as they are called here in OZ), long sticky buns, bananas and yet no response from DH apart from finding him permanently in the fridge filling his face.
If it comes to it I may have to gorge myself with these things infront of the postman to get some kind of attention!

kerryk Mon 23-Jun-08 16:42:33

grin good luck with that

Its desperation - the postie's a minger!

megandtyler Mon 23-Jun-08 22:30:42

my dh does the i've got a cure for that for every ailment
dittany i suppose i am grateful grateful he hasn't run off with someone ten years younger after 17 years together.
still fucking annoying though

bea Fri 27-Jun-08 13:36:58

I thought it was just my dh...!

TheHedgeWitch Fri 27-Jun-08 14:17:56

I dontget 'while you're down there"

My hubbys favourite if i'm bending over is to whistle and say "Don't do that or i won't be responsible for my actions"

thehedgewitch the 'while you're down there'comment refers to you aparently delighted offering your dh/dp oral 'whilst your down there'

TheHedgeWitch Fri 27-Jun-08 14:47:38

lol, i know, i meant he doesn't say it to me, hehe.

I make sure I flash my dh to wake him up of a morning.

sorry about that....I

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