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AIBU?

to be annoyed with my DH?

18 replies

onefunkymama · 07/06/2008 20:25

Hubby is suffering from recurrent panic attacks and I totally understand that he needs time to relax and try to control them but I am annoyed with him today. Yesterday he took the day off work to play golf, came home and got all upset. he made me feel that I am causing his panic attacks. It was DD's b'day yesterday.

Today was DD's party, I asked him if he would be able to help get ready and he said that he would but didn't. Today he worked, to make up the money he lost yesterday, leaving me to do DD's party on my own. He came home tonight 2 hours late in a foul mood. I got annoyed with him because I feel unsupported. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed??

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brucelovesfrumpygrumpy · 07/06/2008 20:26

Not unreasonable. You need to talk, over food and wine and be honest with each other.

onefunkymama · 07/06/2008 20:32

I would love to but he's stormed out saying that I have done nothing at all to help him. I've done nothing but worry and try to be helpful. He's obsessed with his health and no matter how reassuring I try to be he can't think about anything else. I wish he hadn't just come home, sat down and expected me to do everything tonight. I'm double tired, double worried and need some time off myself but there's no chance of it this weekend, sorry for ranting but he only wants to talk about himself.

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lucyellensmum · 07/06/2008 20:33

you are not being unreasonable. Im sorry for DH panic attacks, i have them and it is horrible. I think he was totally unreasonable to put golf before his DDs birthday, i would have gone ballistic. Having mental health problems does not entitle one to completely slack off. I get lots of support from DP and maybe sometimes it gets him down, it is hard for partners. I think you need to talk to him, find out what is causing the panic attacks and tell him he must get medical help,

tess321 · 07/06/2008 20:35

YANBU, your dh's emotional and physical health is his own responsibility and to try and pass it onto you is unfair and cowardly

lucyellensmum · 07/06/2008 20:36

i know what its like to be obsessed with health, i suffer from health anxiety and am on medication to counter it. It really helps. Get him to talk to the doctors. If you like i can give you my email adress, he can talk to me if he wants - if thats ok with you. It does take over your life and makes everything else simply shit, so you both have my sympathy - please get this sorted out though, it nearly cost me my relationship. I sort of understand why he is shirking the family stuff too.

lucyellensmum · 07/06/2008 20:39

tess, that is a bit harsh i suffer with anxiety and depression, i have only ever received support on MN why should it be different for a man. I do recognise his behaviour is wrong, but to call him a coward?? fuck.

onefunkymama · 07/06/2008 20:42

He's booked in for CBT and he's pinned a lot of hopes on it. I feel so guilty, wondering if I am the cause of the panic attacks. I'm very frustrated by my own domestic situation and I think he blames himself. I don't blame him and, although I would have liked him to be there for the party today it didn't matter so much because we waited for him yesterday so that DD could open her prezzies with him there. What mattered to me was that the kiddies were so excited that they fought and moaned all morning while I was trying to get all the food, decorations etc ready. Then I had 8 kids here for 2.5 hours and all the clearing up. When he came home (late without a phone call) he gave me the impression that he thought I had done nothing. All I needed was a hug and a (tiny) bit of sympathy. now I'm worried sick because he's gone out in a huge bad temper and he's so unstable at the moment.

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onefunkymama · 07/06/2008 20:44

Lucyellensmum - thanks, I'll try to find a good time to mention it to him. He's really into the chat room support thing although I half wonder if its encouraging him to worry.

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lucyellensmum · 07/06/2008 20:50

dont feel guilty please. It is SO hard to be the other partner in all of this - my partner has been close to breakdown. Its understandable, its hard being a carer for a sick person. It is definately an illness, anxiety and it can intrude on every aspect of your life. If i am having health anxieties, i shut down, i can;t interact with my children (because its better if i dont get too close ), i am terrible to DP (violent on occasions) and just cannot see past whatever it is that is bothering me, beleive me when i say ive had every ailment in the book. Any further pressue on top of that just bursts the valves. The problem is, that once you get so low, it becomes physical, your seratonin levels drop that the anxiety is almost self perpetuating. Thats when medication is useful.

It is fantastic that he is awaiting CBT, i would love to have this but cant afford it.

Just because he is unwell though, it doesnt give him the right to treat you badly, any more than i have the right to be shit to DP. But if you can understand that he is ill, then it makes it hurt less?? less personal??

I would have been angry about the party too, but tbth, there is NO way on this earth i could deal with a childrens party if i were having one of my anxious times, no way. Maybe he was avoiding because of that, and then short with you because he feels guilty?

Give him a hug when he comes home, dont say any more about it. Just ask him to go to the docs?

lucyellensmum · 07/06/2008 20:51

x posts, it depends on the chat room. He needs to abandon google, thats for sure. You are more than welcome to contact me. My email is flypusher1 at aol dot com.

onefunkymama · 07/06/2008 20:51

Should I call his mobile or leave him alone? I'm very worried, yesterday he mentioned 'ending it all' but said that he'd never do it. I must be the bitch from hell to have shown my annoyance tonight.

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onefunkymama · 07/06/2008 20:55

He's booked for the Dr on Monday. Maybe you are right about the party, I hadn't thought of that. Thanks for the email address, I'll mention it to him when he seems more relaxed. I don't know how to cope with this myself. I try my best all the time but it feels like I'm getting nowhere. We're lucky here as the Drs offer CBT

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lucyellensmum · 07/06/2008 20:56

God knows, that depends if he is likely to kick off. If it were me, (because im an anxiety bucket) i would have to phone him. He might have switched it off if he is angry. Call him if you are worried, you are entitled to that. Yes he is unwell, but he mustnt make you worry like that. I recognise so much of this though.

lucyellensmum · 07/06/2008 20:57

maybe you could go with him to the doctors, it really helped my DP to understand. I have to go out now. He is making positive steps here, its really bloody hard, harder for a man - its quite brave of him. You sound like a wondeful partner, he is lucky to have you.

onefunkymama · 07/06/2008 21:01

Thanks lucyellensmum. Its good to have talked to you. I think I'll let his anger burn out, would hate to raise his stress levels any more. I'll leave his dinner in the cooker for him, hopefully he'll be able to eat some. Have a good evening.

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lucyellensmum · 08/06/2008 10:50

How are things today?? Hope Sunday is a quiet one - i think he owes you a lie in

onefunkymama · 08/06/2008 20:31

He did come back in one piece (to my relief) and he seems a bit better today- Drs for him tomorrow - think he's a bit nervous but I'm sure he'll be ok.

Thanks for your support, I feel so lucky that someone who understands was there just at the moment I needed it! I hope you've had a good day too.

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lucyellensmum · 08/06/2008 20:42

Its nice to see that im not the only one who feels this way, so thank you too. Yes, im sure he will be nervous. Do get him to ask about ADs, but he MUST mention to the doc if he is feeling seriously suicidal as this will affect what he is given. Sometimes we say that sort of thing in anger/frustration but he really needs to mention it otherwise. He will feel alot better having spoken to someone about it. If you google health anxiety, i think there are a lot of support websites, i avoid them though, cos they make me worry even more . But then i have it BAD, i was at the clinic in total screaming hysterics because i thought my tonsils were throat cancer .

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