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AIBU?

... being angry with my parents?

212 replies

RainyWednesday · 16/05/2008 19:40

Spoilt brat alert

My parents are fairly comfortably off, especially now that my dad has retired (mum is SAHM) and they have few outgoings, and have always been extremely generous with money.

A few years ago now, I set about becoming a lawyer. I already had an English degree (which they supported me through), so this meant doing a conversion course (one year), a further one year course, and then two years in a training contract before qualifying as a solicitor. I set about funding this myself, partly through working during university holidays and partly through a bank loan. Because I wanted to be a legal aid lawyer, this meant I had to cover all my course fees and living costs myself (if you have a training contract with a big rich firm then they will generally pay your fees and give you some money towards living costs).

In case it isn't clear from the above, there was a gap of several years between finishing my first degree and starting my course where I was working and supporting myself - I didn't do them back to back.

I did the first course in London and after a while, as my parents knew I was struggling, they offered to pay my rent (£250 a month), which was a huge help. For the second course, I ended up moving back home to live with them - which was fab

When I moved back home, my dad offered to pay my course fees, both for the upcoming year and for the year that I had already done/paid for. I was extremely grateful for this, as you might imagine.

Skip forward a couple of years. Halfway through my two-year training contract, I decided that there was no point me finishing it. I was desperately unhappy - crying most evenings and calling Samaritans a couple of times from work. I found the work utterly depressing. In case it isn't already obvious from the previous two sentences nor did I seem particularly good at it; I'd gone into Legal Aid because I wanted to help people and instead I was just floundering. Finally, my salary was so low that it cost me slightly more to live and work in London than I was getting paid - so I was effectively paying to go to work. I felt there was no point carrying on and left my job. I still consider it one of the best things I ever did.

My parents were extremely upset and angry that I didn't complete my training contract - not because they wanted me to be a lawyer (my mum has said she didn't think I was suited to it) but because they thought I should stick with it. My mum in particular thinks that completeing my training contract would have given me more opportunities, whereas in fact it would, as far as I know, have qualified me for nothing except being a solicitor, which I didn't want to be. I hate upsetting and disappointing them but couldn't face another year of hell just to please them.

Over the next few years, my mum occasionally complained about the fact that I hadn't finished my contract and that I had wasted their money, which really upset me but I bit my tongue because I hate conflict, particularly with them.

Skip forward another couple of years. My DB and his wife bought a house with my parents' help, renovated it and sold it a few months ago for an enormous profit. Because my parents had helped them out and they wouldn't have been able to buy it otherwise, my parents promised to give me and my other brother each £20,000 out of their share of the proceeds. Yay - again I was very grateful for this.

They have recently told me that they've decided to take out of that £20,000 all the money they've given me over the past few years (and the same for my brother too). This means that, less the course fees they paid, it's now something like £11,000.

The main thing that upsets me about this is not that I've "lost" £9,000 (because obviously I haven't lost anything at all - on the contrary, I'm being given a huge sum of money!) but I feel like I'm being punished for not completing my contract. I am sure that, if I'd finished it, it would never have occurred to them to take the money back again.

It also upsets me that a few years ago they gave me a gift and now they've taken it back off me again.

Finally, £1,000 of the money they've claimed back comes from a deposit they paid on the first flat a friend and I rented in 1997. When we moved out, the landlady ripped us off so we didn't have the money to pay back to them and we eventually forgot that we owed it at all (I am mortified about this ). However, they only suddenly started mentioning it about a year ago. Now they've said that they've taken the whole £1,000 off me and if I want my friend's share then I'll have to ask her for it. Which is kind of fair enough but I am too embarrassed to mention it after 11 years and it upsets me that they've effectively passed her debt on to me because they're too embarrassed to ask about it either.

I'm sorry this is so long I feel (marginally) better for purging. On the one hand I feel like I'm being a spoiled bitch because, ffs, someone's giving me £11,000, but on the other I feel like I'm being unfairly punished and it really really upsets me

DH says I should just let it go. I would love to let it go - but how?

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isitover · 16/05/2008 19:46

Yes, you're being a spoilt brat. You've said yourself they've been extremely generous (and they have); they're offering you more money and you're complaining.

You really do need to let it go.