to relate to mums differently than non-mums?

[LissyD]

I've recently found myself relating completely differently to someone once i find out they have kids. It's particularly women as well. Am i being daft, or do other people do this too?

[moondog]

It's natural I think.
Once you become a mother,you walk through a door into a completely new world.

[JeremyVile]

Yes, normal I think.
I tend to have, um, low expectations of women who aren't mothers (though less so the older they are).
Thinking about it, before DS I think I would have pretty much written off mothers, thinking I would have nothing in common with them.

[LissyD]

I've found myself thinking "well, what can you expect from someone who's never been pregnant" when a non-mum annoys me, and all of a sudden I feel this bond with my mum and nana that was completely different before. It's like i suddenly see them as people.

[scottishmummy]

god no i would hate to be exclusively so cliquey i relate if i like you.end of. don't understand only mummy's for me.Pah to that .

[PinkTulips]

deinitely normal, and not just mothers either, parents in general compared to non parents

and i know dp has the same experiance, he finds himself far more likely to relate well to other parents then to childless people since having kids

parents naturally have completely differant priorities and values so it's natural to be drawn to others who are more on your wavelength

[scottishmummy]

mums are not a homeogenous grouo that we all naturally gravitate towards.some you like.some not

[JeremyVile]

OF course. I dont think anyone expects all mothers to be the same. Some of you lot are SHOCKERS...

[pointydog]

I perhaps relate to them differently if we are discussing something to do with being a mum.

Apart from that, no I don;t relate differently. I think it is a bit daft to do so, although don't know about unreasonable.

[KaSo]

Despite being a mother of 3 I seem to get on better with non Mums! There's a high risk when you meet a Mum that she'll be a very different kind of Mum to yourself, and it all gets a bit dodgy.
Then, I like Mums who use forums much more than people who don't use or see the point of forums!

[scottishmummy]

mum is not the only role i define myself by (or wish to be defined by)i relate to those i have affinity with whether parent or not

[IorekByrnison]

Think this is very normal too. I remember in the first few mad sleep deprived weeks that there was a clear division in my mind between "virgins" and "matrons" with regard to all visitors that came round (the main difference being that matrons would always put the kettle on themselves).

Think moondog puts it perfectly when she says "you walk through a door into a completely new world". Your understanding of everything changes, and it's very natural to want to share the experience with others who have been through it. (I expect war veterans feel the same way.)

[RachAndFamousNot]

Being a thrice pregnant non-mum I know what you mean but also think it is worth considering those in my position who hopefully are a little more symathetic in some respects (but know that in most respects we can't even begin to understand).

[Tortington]

i work in an office where there is only one other mother and one other father

i find it very difficult to engage with them on a professional level when talking about the people - parents, young people, teenagers etc who are our client base becuase they just cannot comprehend that life

[LivingLaVidaLurker]

I think it is completely normal to relate more with mums. Doesn't mean you like them more - just means you have more in common. Who else but a parent can really understand early mornings, dribble stained clothes and never going to the toilet without a toddler audience saying, "Mummy! What are you doing?"

[Lauriefairycake]

clearly I don't fit into this category seeing as I'm only a foster parent and no one calls me mum

and I've been pregnant but it was only a miscarriage

I'm not a mum, thankfully some people like me, in real life and on here.

[scottishmummy]

does it have to be experiential to relate.i have lots of empathic child free pals.look at MN all us apparent affirmative parents slogging it out over tons of stuff

just because one has had a baby/child does not infer enhanced emapthy, understanding etc. in fact much of MN is base upon the perennial ole arguments about parenting etc

[MrsTittleMouse]

I think that yes, YABU. I don't find that women naturally fall into the "mum" and "non-mum" categories in terms of anything else other than whether they've given birth, and I think that it's a bit insulting to both groups to treat them differently.

[Lazycow]

Before I had children, most of my friends who did have children were always shocked that I didn't have have children. In fact one rather flaky one was convinced I had had one in an earlier life as when I talked about them I sounded like I really knew what it was like.

The fact is I observed and LISTENED to my friends who did have children and used that as a way to connect with other parents. I've also always enjoyed talking about and being with children ( a bit less so in fact now I have my own)

In fact I think I was a better more empathic person before having a child (more time and energy) than I am now.

Much as I love muns net I am constantly astonished by the lack of empathy in many people on here when discussing aspects of parenting.

There is somthing about the hard slog combined with (for some people) the self-righteousness of being a parent that can leave very little room for empathy.

I had rarely heard comments like 'Oh I really don't like children much, except my own' before I became a parent.

[addictedtoharibo]

I think sometimes it can be difficult for someone who doesnt have children or experience of being around children 24/7 - and I dont mean that they have necessarily given birth to quite understand how difficult and tiring it can be to be a mum. Thats where I find problems with my friends - who are still very much my friends - who dont have children.

I am still a relatively young mum - had ds at 24. They are still going out clubbing/drinking/staying up all night at each others houses so there is a big lifestyle difference between us. I find it very hard when they say things like "im so tired after drinking last night, i had to sleep all yesterday afternoon" or when they tried to get me to go out for the night 2 weeks after having - fully breastfed - ds because they thought i needed a break.

Saying that I have several non mummy friends who understand very well - or at least try to and I still relate to these easily. But think about when you were pregnant for the first time or preparing to foster etc - you didnt really have any idea of what babies were like did you? In reality? Most of my friends think babies are easy - you feed them then they sleep and you get on with your life. I have even been told having a puppy is more difficult.

Strangely I too find women who dont have children become more understanding as they get older.

Also I know lots of mums or people with children who I dont relate to as we share very different parenting approaches.

So in reality I think its down to the individual BUT most of the time I find that having children kind of puts you in a different world to those without that responsibility. I mean come on...its hard not to want to strangle someone with full unrestricted access to the absolute luxury of a day time nap whenever you want or for however long you want it...positively drooling at this idea!!!

xx

[poppy34]

am actually a little bit at this post

rachfamousandnot/laurie make good points - you can have empathy even if you haven't had a direct experience. Sorry but this kind of attitude makes me hopping mad for all those going through any kind of difficulties in becoming a mother.

like scottishmummy said shared experience doesn't mean empathy.Its more about the person than it is about the mum/nonmum thing.

[cornsilk]

No I don't do this. I have found I have got absolutely nothing in common with some mothers.

[lollipopmother]

Sounds to me that 'mums' think themselves as sooooo much better than all those riff-raff non-mums, nose held up high "one couldn't possibly lower ones-self to speak to the non-mums, they just aren't on the same level!"

I am really quite shocked, I hope once I am a mum I don't get hooked into instantly thinking I'm better than everyone else just because I managed to pop a kid out.

[VictorianSqualor]

I tend to think more that they relate to me differently, that people I know that have not yet had children, especially friends I've recently got back in contact with (from school through facebook) wouldn't understand what motivates me anymore, especially as I have three children at 27, not just a slip-up and one, but three!
I just don't expect the to understand how I feel about being a mother, which is a huge part of me, I don't think of them differently in any other way though.

[PatsyCline]

Having experiences in common can be a great way to start a friendship, but I certainly don't (knowingly) relate to men or women differently when I find out they're also parents. It can be a great way to kick a conversation off, but I get bored very quickly if our only topic is children. I did suddenly feel a bit removed from my young, free and single workmates when I had my first DD, but I could still look back and relate to where they were coming from as I was there myself for a long while.

Quite a few of my friends are child free and I really appreciate the fact that they still seek out my company despite the fact that seeing me is a bit more of a challenge these days. The only way my attitude towards them has changed is that I sometimes feel at their glamorous lifestyles!

Patsy

[Twiglett]

don't think it's to do with being better but it is to do with being different.

I am a different person as a mother than I was before I was a mother. It is not just the process of becoming a mother that changed me but all my life choices and events over the last 8 years have also impacted on the person I am.

Childless people are fine, but they do things differently there. And yes they can empathise with the changes but only those who are parents (in any manner) can actually understand a fair proportion of my life experiences and choices over the last few years.

Doesn't make my friends without child experiences any less but I find them less interesting.

I remember being who they are, they have no experience of being who I am now.. it's just a different world