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AIBU?

to feel angry & hopeless after my mum attempted suicide?

20 replies

ilovecake · 31/03/2008 14:19

My mum took pills and wrote a suicide note on saturday night - then got scared and phoned my dad (they are divorced) for help. Her and I are not that close - she only lives 30 minutes away but we see each other every 4-6 weeks because she is not interested in it being more frequent. I know that she is depressed and having a very difficult time of it with her current partner but i find it so hard to know what to do or say because i am on the periphery. I have 3 younger sisters who all live in same town as her and are much closer. Anyone have any experience of this and can offer any advice on how can help her / myself. I am conscious that i dont want my children to go through the ups and downs of my mums mental / emotional health as i did growing up.

OP posts:

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mumblechum · 31/03/2008 14:28

Sorry no experience but bump

jesuswhatnext · 31/03/2008 14:32

don't know waht to say, can only offer sympathy

3NAB · 31/03/2008 14:37

Have you spoken to your sisters or your dad? How is she today? Do your kids know her as a Grandma?

Huge sympathies. My mother threatened suicide a few times.

EzrasMummy · 31/03/2008 14:38

am so sorry to hear what happened. I have no experience of this sort of thing. But i reckon one of the things you can do is just let her know that youre there and if she needs anything or anyone to talk to, she can always call on you.

ilovecake · 31/03/2008 14:45

Thanks everyone. My dad was the one who let me know yesterday afternoon - i'm not sure he knew what to say so just stuck to the facts and that was it. Spoke to one of my sisters. DD & DS do know her as their Nanna but not close to her due to the infrequency of her contact - they have a grandma (MIL) that they are always very excited to see but when i say nanna is coming DD asks "Why?". It's so sad that mum can't enjoy her grandchildren. I don't feel i can call mum - she only likes to communicate by text, doesnt have home phone. I think I may write a note to her to say i am thinking of her.

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zippitippitoes · 31/03/2008 14:49

im sure she will appreciate you sending her a card with a personal message inside

tell her something nice that is true

she will like it

im not surprised you feel angry and hurt and shocked

but she is in a lonely place right now

ive been there its hard for everyone

x

lullabyloo · 31/03/2008 14:55

ilovecake...
I'm sorry
My mother has done this to me for years now
She has attempted & threatened suicide more times than I can remember.
We only communicate by text now as she will not speak on the phone/visit/allow visits etc.
My ds is almost 4 & hasn't seen her since he was 17 months.

I send her photographs occasionally,cards,money
remember her on mothers day,birthdays,christmas etc..but her texts are only to ask for money/things or to tell me she has taken another overdose.
I dont go running anymore
I live a long way away & do not drive.
I cant mother her anymore now that I am a parent.
But will forever feel guilty about not doing enough & failing her.

ilovecake · 31/03/2008 15:02

You echo my feelings so closely lullabyloo - it so hard to accept your mum for who she is and the level of relationship she is willing / able to maintain. You are right that once you have a family of your own you must focus on them and that you cannot be a parent to your mum. But is still hurts doesnt it?

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AMAZINWOMAN · 31/03/2008 15:41

ilovecake, im not close to my Mum either. My kids also say "why" when she visits, and I don't feel I can phone her either.

I also made the decision to focus on my own family and that now i don't have the energy or inclination to be the mum to her.

Is a phone call or visit suitable? Or would that feel too uncomfortable?
But even though i am not close, i would feel I would have to do something too.

My biggest fear is that as i dont know what is like to have a good mum, so how do I learn to be one to my children?
But i looked at what I lacked from my childhood and was detmined to change that. I now have a very, close, warm, loving relationship with my children.

LilyMunster · 31/03/2008 15:46

she won t have done it to get at you. i understand you feeling hurt - is totally normal, and im sure she wishes she could avoid anyone getting hurt... but when you decide you cant live any more, youre not able to think cl;early about other people and how they feel. youre just consumed by how you feel and the only way you can think of to make it stop.

you should get support/counselling. it must be awful for you.

Fingerbobs · 31/03/2008 16:06

I'm so sorry for you. I would definitely see if you can get counselling - perhaps through your work (if you work - sorry I don't know) or if not through your gp, or you could go privately - most counsellors operate a sliding scale of payments depending on income. My ex-DH attempting suicide was the spur for me to seek help and it actually opened up lots of things including my relationship with my mother. i found it really really helped to see things clearly and to feel without letting it overwhelm me.
I hope you and your family are ok.

DoYouSeeWhatISee · 31/03/2008 16:22

So to hear your going through this, i agree with lilymunster, your mum must have felt very low to attempt suicide and maybe her relationship with you/your DCs is a result of her past?

My mum has suffered with deppression most of her life and so our relationship has been strained at times but i just remind myself that she must feel terrible for it.

Agree that a little note to your mum would be a good idea.

lullabyloo · 31/03/2008 16:53

It does hurt
I am here if you want to talk/cat me xx

ilovecake · 31/03/2008 16:55

I know it must sound selfish - i do try to remember that she is not in control of her actions because of the depression. Its hard to be objective. I have often thought about getting some counselling to try and get to a point where it is easier to accept my relationship with my mum (amongst other things). It would be too uncomfortable to talk on the phone besided mum just wont say anything. I think i will write so that i can say what i want without getting upset.

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MrsTittleMouse · 31/03/2008 17:19

It is not your Mum's fault, she is ill.
However, YANBU to feel the way that you do. It must have come as a dreadful shock to you and you do need support to help you through this. Have you tried Survivors of Suicide? The "survivors" in this case are the people that are left behind when someone dies by suicide. So they would be people who would understand.

cyteen · 31/03/2008 17:34

ilovecake:

no, you are not being unreasonable to feel all of those things. When I was 14 my mum did exactly as yours did - took an overdose, then called my dad (divorced but still close friends) in a panic. Unfortunately she didn't make it. Ever since then I've wondered about it: what kind of terrified, hopeless state she must have been in to do such a thing, and then, even worse, to regret it and try to live. I know she was far from in her right mind (she left us a note saying we were better off without her ) and I respect her right to make that choice, but it doesn't make it any less painful or bewildering.

I would definitely think about writing her a note, whatever it is you want to say. Hoping for a happier outcome for you all

ilovecake · 31/03/2008 18:41

Cyteen - i am so sorry to hear about your dreadful experience - you must have / still be struggling to cope with that. I will write to my mum as i think i may regret it if i dont.
Thanks lulla its good to meet others in the same situation.
Thanks MTM for advice on Survivors of Suicide

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Ripeberry · 31/03/2008 19:27

When we were growing up my brother and i knew all too well about my mother's problems.
She has Manic Depression and for years was on a "low" so at one stage when i was 14yrs old and my brother 11yrs old, she would try and kill herself at least once every month.
Usually, trying to cut her wrists, taking pills and drinking too much.
One time, i had made a friend and i managed to get my Mum to agree to let her come over for a sleepover.
My Mum tried to kill herself that night...and my poor friend was so scared..i've never forgiven my Mum for that.
Now she has Dementia aged 62yrs and does not even play with her grandaughters.
When my DD1 was 2yrs old she had the terrible twos and my Mum belted her one right in front of me...never forgive her for that.
OK, i know its a bit harsh, but when you've had this ALL your life it does get a bit much.
Just want to concentrate on MY familly.
AB

ilovecake · 31/03/2008 19:44

Ripeberry - it sounds like you have had a truly awful time with your mum. Thanks for replying.

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ElectraBunny · 31/03/2008 20:09

I'm so sorry

I wanted to say that it's hard to understand why someone would want to kill themselves but having been mentally unwell myself I can now understand at least for me why it could happen. For me I have found life very difficult living with my mind and what goes on in it.

I don't think that I have ever felt that life is worthless or not worth living, but I have sometimes felt tormented by my ind and unfortunately there is no way to escape from your own head...

I hope things get better for you and your family xx

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