to feel it's all getting on top of me?

[gemmummy]

quick rundown of my situation. i am in the RAF, as is DH. I've got 5 weeks of mat leave left. whilst being on mat, my DH has been posted south england. i'm still based in n orth scotland, so we've moved our house south. in 5 weeks i've got to go back to north scotland, without my DS. i'm dreading it. then, in july, i'm going away for 4 straight months, to the falklands, and will be unable to see my ds at all. can someone please please reassure me that my ds won't be ruined for life because of my decision to go back to work, in the job that i do. i feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and really need to talk about this. i get too upset when talking to dh.

[OneHandedTypist]

How old ur DS? If it keeps u sane or helps w/ finances. going back 2 work is understa#ndable. Who will ur ds stay with when ur away?

[gemmummy]

my ds will be 6 months very soon. ds is staying with dh down south, and for 8 weeks we are going to meet up in middle at weekends. then i have a few weeks off work before going to falklands for 4 months. just wonder if i'm being selfish and how will i cope. struggling to be honest, and i feel like it's spoiling my mat leave cos i can't stop thinking about it.

[liath]

Oh you poor thing - what a horrible dilemma.

Who would be looking after ds while you are away?

[gemmummy]

the mil is coming to stay till november which is big help as dh works shifts, including nights.

[bago07]

Hello. I really feel for you! My mat leave is coming to an end soon as well, and I feel dreadful about it - although I don't have the 4 months away that you do...

It sounds as if it is upsetting you very much. Do you have to go back to your job? Do you want to go back to your job?? From here, it doesn't sound like it, so why put yourself through that if you don't have to? If you do have to work, could you change to a desk-job either in the RAF or elswhere so you wouldn't have to do any postings overseas?

BTW, you're definitely not being selfish. You want to make sure you are doing the best for your family and that's understandable. It also shows that you're a great mum

[mumdebump]

OMG. How tough for you. I'm sure you have already thought long and hard about returning to work and it's impact on your family, however it's only now that it is hitting home. It's incredibly hard to have to leave such a young child for so long without any contact.
FWIW, DH & I were both serving but decided to leave before starting a family. We couldn't face the thought of split postings and detachments. However, I do know many couples & single parents still serving and they have my utmost respect for managing to bring up their children well despite the separation issues. No point denying it though, it is really, really hard on them when they are away.
For me, it was really a case of deciding that I didn't love my job enough. If you do, then fine, go with it but you have to accept the downside in terms of family life. If you don't, could you leave and find a civvie job down south that would be equally satisfying? There is a life outside the RAF and it's great.
What does your DH think about the situation? You will have to talk to him about it sometime.

[gemmummy]

bag07, no i don't have to go back to work. i'm actually also very lucky that i hardly ever go away with the job that i do in the raf. once i'm back from falklnads in nov i won't go away again for 5 years or so. it just seems to be really creeping up on me now, and i keep saying it will be better for ds when he's young, he won't remember it and all that stuff but i worry about how i'll cope. i'm normally so sttrong but this is killing me. but i do want to go back to work, so i just can't get these feelings straight in my head.

[mumdebump]

Is it too late for you to take AML (unpaid)? It would give you more time to think things over.

[gemmummy]

nope, too late. my mat leave finished sun. i'm on annual leave now til end of march (i saved it up, to extend time off with ds.) also, if i back out of this det, so other poor sod will get dicked. feel very strongly also that i've got to do my fair share at work. and therein lies the problem for me.

[EffiePerine]

Do you have anyone (chaplain? family support?) you can talk to who knows the stresses of juggling a forces career with children?

Also, try posting in the Forces Sweethearts section (under In the Club in the main topic list) as there may be someone who has dealt with a similar situation

[gemmummy]

mum, there is a light at end of my tunnel, i'm posted to brize at end of falklands tour, hubby at lye.

[NiceTry]

You are not being unreasonable to feel this is all getting to you. Your instinct is telling you this is wrong and you are correct. A parent would be very wrong to leave a 6 month old baby for four months without contact for any reason, a mother or a father.

[Trolleydolly71]

Message withdrawn

[gemmummy]

will my relationship with ds recover? i'm not naive, i know he won't even know me when i get back, but can i get it back on track?

[mumdebump]

Do not become a martyr to your work. It took a long time for me to realise that. You might feel like you are letting people down, but you have to look after yourself first because no one else will. The desk officers who decide your postings and dets, won't lose sleep over you and quite frankly take the path of least resistance. I know there is such a strong team ethic and the pressure is on you as a woman (and as a working mum) to prove yourself equal, but you must think of yourself and your family.

[gemmummy]

thanks mumdebump. i've already decided to pvr when i come back from falklands, just got to get this shitty shitty year out of the way. my ds too important to me. just hope i won't break in mean time. and you're right, there is pressure on me as a woman (self induced aswell).

[Trolleydolly71]

Message withdrawn

[gemmummy]

thanks trolley dolly don't think that book will help me so much as i have to go away, that, for me, is non negotiable. i can't afford to not go back to work as we have financial commitments and my wage is the biggest.

[Trolleydolly71]

Message withdrawn

[gemmummy]

just a bit! maybe i'm too scared to read it though. is there one called, "your ds knows you love him, even tho you're 4000 miles away?"

[mumdebump]

I think that PVR'ing could be a good move for you to make. You sound so unhappy at the mo. Talk it over with your DH. What is the likely earliest exit date for your branch/trade if you were to PVR now?
Hope you're not feeling too pressured by all the comments on here. Whatever you do you will feel guilty, it's part of parenthood. You won't break though, you are a strong woman and you will get through this and whatever life throws at you. Hope your DH and family are supporting you through all of this.
Just curious as to what the policy is for sending serving mums away from young babies? Are you 'fair game' for dets as soon as you get back from ML? What if you were still bf'ing (obviously you're not if you are in Scotland and DS is in South England)?

[gemmummy]

hi again mum. the policy is this: you're eligible for dets as soon as you go back to work. if you want to still bf you're reminded that you have the option to take longer mat leave (less pay/unpaid). basically no concessions to bfeeding, however the mat pay is good. i've had 6 months on full pay, but the catch is, i have to give a year back, hence the delay in pvr'ing. i'll be out, all going well, feb 2010.

[mumdebump]

God. I'm so glad I didn't have to face what you're going through. Good luck to you. When I decided to PVR, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I saw it as a really positive move and a chance to do something different that I would love and would give me the lifestyle I wanted. I was v smug going to all the resettlement briefings, knowing that I had chosen to leave, unlike all the old farts who had reached the ends of their service and were s**ting themselves about life outside the RAF!
On the matter of your relationship with your DS, I'm sure it will recover. You will need to stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel and somehow just get through this awful year.

[gemmummy]

thanks honey, you've really helped me tonight. i was feeling really low, dh on nights and ds in slumberland. too much time to brood i think.

[mumdebump]

Ok, gotta go now. Off to catch end of Ashes to Ashes and attack my mammoth pile of ironing. (Did I mention how glamorous my civvie life is......) But will check back on this thread later, just post if you need anything.