To think my dad is a fecking tight arse... (warning long back story)

[Bouncingturtle]

And should put seeing his only gc before money???

My dad is Spanish. To cut a long story short, he walked out when I was 12 because he was bored of being a husband and father (he was 17 when he married my mum and they had me).
He met someone else in England (a lady from Bristol) and they moved back to Spain where up until very recently he had a very successful building business (he now works for a bigger company owed by an old friend).
He is not short of money, he and dsm have a pretty comfortable lifestyle and are careful with money.
OTOH my mum STRUGGLED to bring up me and my 2 brothers on benefits and a part time job. He contributed feck all to our upbringing apart from a bit of money at Christmas and birthdays.
We had an estranged relationship for a long time and eventually we made up when he married my dsm (who I get on well with). But my dad was so looking forward to the birth of my ds as he will be his first gc.
However he is coming over to see him for the first time next weekend. He originally said that he would come over end of January but then said he couldn't because dsm's sister and partner were coming over (the ones that seem to go over and see them every fecking month!!). Right fine, says I, when can you come?
We can't come until end of Feb because flights are cheapest then, Oh and I can only afford to take 1 day off work so we are coming on the Friday and going Sunday.
And the best thing of all? They are flying to Bristol. I LIVE IN FUCKING TEESSIDE YOU PILLOCK WHICH MEANS YOU ARE GOING TO SPEND MOST OF THE FRIDAY AND SUNDAY IN THE FUCKING HIRE CAR!!!!
They've done that because it is cheaper than flying to Teesside airport.
Sorry but that has soooooo pissed me off.
I really want to have a major go at him but I don't want to be any bad feeling when he visits, I want him to have fun with his new dgs. But I feel so hurt that he has put money before wanting to spend some time with me (his only daughter and only child who actually wants anything to do with him). We are planning to go over to Spain to visit and we are going to make it in June for about 2.5 weeks, as we want to visit the rest of my family). But it is so much easier for him to visit us due to the logistics or travelling with very young baby.
And I really think they could have taken the less cheaper option of flying to Teesside just as a one off!!

Well done if you got to the bottom of that essay!

[GrumpyOldHorsewoman]

YANBU.

My FIL was the very same., except with him it wasn't money that was an issue, he was just a selfish, awkward bugger.

As it turned out, he died without ever seeing DD2 (who was almost a year old when he died) because he didn't want to come over for her christening (no excuse given). He only lived in Ireland. He visited us twice in the 14 years we were together whilst he was alive. We would visit him when we were in Ireland - on one memorable occasion we arranged to meet him for breakfast one Sunday morning, only to find he had arrived early and eaten his breakfast before we had even got there, and left 5 mins after we arrived! This all seems to have been forgotten now he is dead, and he has suddenly morphed into a fabulous, loving father and grandfather (which is quite the opposite to how I remember him). He even left everything he owned - which was not insubstantial - to the woman he left MIL for, despite having 4 sons, neglected their whole childhoods, and 5 grandchildren. It has made me very bitter towards his memory, and I find I probably dislike him more now than I even did when he was alive. BTW, he died suddenly from a heart attack aged 59, so he was not a sick, frail old man or anything of the sort.

But this is your own dad, so tell him how you feel and see if you can improve your relationship whilst you still can. It has got to be worth thrashing out with him.

[lalalonglegs]

Some middle-aged and elderly people are just very weird about money, especially if they remember not having any (which may be the case for someone growing up in Franco's Spain). My mother was a war baby and is the same even though she is comfortably off. You can't do anything about it - let them fight their way from Bristol to Teeside this time and perhaps they will thnk better of it next.

If he left your mother when you were 12 because he didn't fancy being a dad any longer, then perhaps he isn't going to make the best grandad material either. He probably thinks he is making a huge effort but if his contact with you is sporadic, I think it would be unrealistic to expect him to become some fantastic grandparent. Sorry

[QueenMeabhOfConnaught]

YANBU, what an odd bod he sounds.

[beaniesteve]

Sounds to me like you are harbouring some deeper resentment towards your father (Which as far as I can see is justified) and so this issue is probably stressing you out a bit more than it really should.

However, you seem to think he owes you something extra because you are the only person who wants or tries to keep a relationship going with him. Thing is, if you want him in your life then I think you have to accept that he has his own way of doing things and that he's not exactly been a reliable father in the past and so perhaps it's likely he won't be a reliable grandfather. On top of that I am guessing him living in Spain and money issues will make it difficult for him to see you and your child frequently and so you probably do need to make the best of teh short time he will be here.

I do sympathise but perhaps there are real financial hardships which led him to make this decision and sometimes a different flight can cost loads extra.

[KacyB]

SURELY it costs more in hire cars and petrol to drive to and from Bristol, than it does just to fly into Teeside????????

How much more expensive is Teeside? Not that much, I'd have thought!!!

I agree with LLLL - one nightmare drive from Bristol to Middlesborough is going to put them off FOR A LONG TIME!!!

Personally, I'd give him the chance, but my DH's biological father has made it clear that he doesn't want anything to do with his biological grandchildren either..... Fine by me, but I would make sure that you talk to your dad and let him know that you won't stand for him dipping in and out of your son's life as he did with you.

Good luck!

[Bouncingturtle]

Thanks for your support guys - your probably right he can't be relied on, and I will just have to live with it.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother with him, but he is my dad and i do love him.
He pays for his flights to Bristol buy selling fags to all of my dsm's family who all live in Bristol. In fact they make the trip over to Bristol at least 2-3 times a year. My dad and SM have only visited me 3 times in the 11 years they have been married (including once for my wedding), and for only short spells(2-3 days). I have been over at least once every year for at least a week at time, which is fine because I like going over as it is a lovely part of Spain they live and I get to see the rest of my family.
So yes definitely a deeper resentment. I don't feel that I'm very important to him but he is always boasting about me to his family and friends, like the fact I have a degree and a good job - it seems like he is trying to take credit when in fact he has had feck all to do with my life since I was 12.
This is very cathartic btw!

[Bouncingturtle]

Aggh!! you're not your! Sorry was bfing ds when started this!

[Bouncingturtle]

Just had to resurrect this because I am so

They arrived at 7.15pm last night, smack in the middle of DS's bedtime routine, not the end of the world but he was very tired and I was determined to put him down and not keep him up.
They disappeared off to Asda for an hour and half at 9pm, came back after ds woke up for his 10pm feed so I went to bed.

Today, been OK. Until 2 hours ago. We'd come back from a walk and lunch in the local pub. DSM didn't want to sit around as it would make her constipated, and dad wants frsh air. So they go off to a fucking car dealership and I am still waiting for them to come back. I told them I'm doing tea, poor dss is getting hungry as well. I want to start putting ds to bed at 7pm, but have no idea where they are or when they plan to come back here. And they are leaving at 8am tomorrow morning. And I've had to put up with my dad whining on about the exchange rate and how they have not made as much money selling fags to her family. But it's ok because this visit is to visit his grandson.
AHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

Feed your son and carry on as if they weren't here.

Count down the hours until they are gone and you can get back to normal.

Familes>!

[Bouncingturtle]

Thanks, just getting more and more wound up...
That's exactly what I'm going to do!

[nearlybonkers]

I think I'd be saying argghhh too, he is just one of those self centred men who always put themselves first, unfortunately they are all you've got. Try stating facts clearly - even if it seems rude: DS goes to bed at, if you do not return by ... then he will be in bed. Sad for DS and you

[Twiglett]

the money you assume other people have bears no relation to the money other people actually do have

so I think you probably have every right to be cross at your father but not for what he says he can afford / not afford .. because doing so makes you sound rather churlish

[Triathlete]

This is the sort of stuff my dad does. His loss as he hasn't seen two of his grandchildren. He also hasn't seen two of his sons for several years.

You can't change him, you can't make him say sorry, or apologise for walking out, or want to spend time with you. All you can do is get over your resentment against him.

[expatinscotland]

YANBU

[CarGirl]

Can I just say as someone who grew up living so very close to Teesside airport and now lives in Surrey I am absolutely PMSL that he chose to drive to and from Bristol to save money - he is nuts, I'm sure he hated every minute of the drive and he's got to do it again tomorrow.

It's all his loss enjoy your Mum and your new family and just laugh at him!

Teesside to Bristol - he is insane!

[Bouncingturtle]

Cargirl - I know! Mad isn't it!

They arrived back at 6.40pm. Will fill in details tomorrow...

[CarGirl]

M1 and M5 on a Sunday - they are nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How is Teesside anyway, I miss it!

[geordiemacminx]

Uttery insane - I cannot see how it could possibly be cheaper to fly to Bristol then hire a car and drive - sounds like they wanted to go to bristol to sell the fags

Sorry you havent had a nice time, still you have done your "duty" try and not let it get to you. Deep breaths and all that.

[posieflump]

surely they were flying in to Bristol because that is where she comes from, so were seeing family as well there, rather than to save money?

or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

[lateylate]

How old is he? I only ask because ime people I've known have become more eccentric and strange with money as they've become more elderly.

My dad makes some bizarre financial decisions - buys clothes from charity shops (he needn't, he's very comfortably off) but spends a fortune on travel.

He's very generous to us btw.

The car dealership disappearance is just the sort of thing he'd do...he was brought up in a very Victorian fashion and is incredibly unemotional....as were many people of that generation who went through the second world war and the privations that followed.

At least you can have two and a half weeks in Spain for the cost of the flights..your dsm is probably just as frustrated with your dad's behaviour at times.

[geordiemacminx]

Posie - dsm does have family in Bristol but if they were flying in Friday, driving to Teeside, then back on Sunday its unlikely that they would get time to see them....

[Bouncingturtle]

Hi!
They are off!
After going to the dealership they decided they wanted to go to Tesco!!!! Despite the fact they had no idea where it was, so ended up driving around aimlessly - well if they wanted to go that bad they could have rung me and I would have given them directions, or they could have come straight back here! But no apparently they lost track of time.
I didn't start a row but I did make it clear that I was upset they had been away so long. Posie - This trip was made specifically to see his gs, they see dsm's family far more regularly because they sell fags to them to pay for flights to Bristol. I don't think they'll come across just to see us again I'm just not profitable enough
This trip hasn't cost them very much, dad said that the fags he brought over have covered most of the cost of the flights and hire car, but he really grumbled about it.
I would have rather they said well we'd love to come but money is tight at the moment, because I would have understood that!
Even only paying for flights to Spain, it still going to be touch and go whether we can afford to go this year with me being on ML. But we will find the money because I really want ds to meet his family.
Ah well, you can choose your friends and not your family...

[Bouncingturtle]

My dad is 51 btw... not that old!

[citylover]

Just to illustrate the strangeness of some dads

My dad only allows two sheets of loo paper per person!!
Not sure whether this is to save money. Which they don't need to do as they have plenty.

Was sorta bit worried if DS2 goes to stay there as he needs alot more.

Sorry for you Bouncing Turtle. Do you think that your having DS is bringing up bad stuff for him about how he left you/your family and he is uncomfortable? Might explain the tour of the supermarkets etc.

Just a thought. I think I have been surprised by how underwhelmed my parents have been by my DSs.

[theUrbanDryad]

citylover - how does he check!!?