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AIBU?

Interfering MIL or

87 replies

RosaRosa · 12/02/2008 22:39

I am a very happy and content SAHM of one two year old DD. In my previous life I worked and saved v.hard to enable me to stay at home and look after my DD, and we have a busy life together.

My MIL lives 30 mins away and has a daughter that lives around the corner from her with her family (inc. DD and DS). She works 4 days and my MIL looks after her kiddies a couple of days a week.

I have a v.close relationship with my Mum who lives 60 miles away and see her once a week. My MIL I think would like to enjoy the same privilege and spend a day a week with me and DD. However, I don't have a lot in common with her and she is a heavy smoker which I don't agree with in front of DD. I also feel that she thinks that her son pays for me to stay at home with my feet up (SO not true on both counts) and she is therefore not intruding.

I make excuses when she rings asking to come over and it's become a bit of a bug bear. I feel if she wants that kind of relationship she could spend time with her own daughter on her days off. DH and I make sure she sees us and DD once a fortnight.

Am I being unreasonable . . . ?

OP posts:

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Dropdeadfred · 12/02/2008 22:49

I don't know but I feel EXACTLY the same when my MIL rings and will often ignore the phone...

I really don't know why...

MsHighwater · 12/02/2008 22:50

If you spent a little more time with her you might find you had more in common with her. There shouldn't be a problem with asking her not to smoke in the house.

Why should your DD not see the granny who lives 30 minutes away at least as often as she sees the one who lives further away? Your mum is your mum but they are both your dd's grandmothers.

My mum and dad would love to see all their gcs as often as they see my dd but my niece and nephew live over 400 miles away.

MrsMattie · 12/02/2008 22:51

Oh MILs. They are such a joy . I often ignore my MILs calls and certainly wouldn't be entertaining her regularly if she lived in the UK. Thank God she doesn't.

TaLcYonHerTodd · 12/02/2008 22:53

gut feelings!!..my mil showed true colours tonight

edam · 12/02/2008 22:53

You might be, a bit. Imagine you have a ds next. Fast forward 30 or so years. How would you feel if you had a DIL who was reluctant to let you see your grandchild very often?

You say you don't have a lot in common with her. But your dd does.

I dunno, once a fortnight is better than nothing, but you seem very grudging. MIL/DIL relationships do seem to be terribly tricky but it is probably a good thing to do a bit of reaching out...

saadia · 12/02/2008 22:54

I agree with MsHighwater that you are being a little bit U, she is also part of your family.

MrsMattie · 12/02/2008 22:54

My mum doesn't criticise and correct and moan and whinge and undermine me, though. That's why she gets a warmer welcome in my house/life@MsHighwater.

saadia · 12/02/2008 22:55

MIL I mean, not MsHighwater.

berolina · 12/02/2008 22:56

YABU and YANBU (more NU than U) IMO. On the one hand she only wants to see her grandchild. OTOH I would go bonkers if I had to spend any significant amount of time alone with MIL without dh around, never mind a day a week. She is a perfectly nice person but we have nothing in common and of course she can't help judging my parenting, although she would never actually say anything (well, not deliberately to provoke - comments might and do just slip out, though) - just because she would do it so differently. She's a heavy smoker too and I really hate it. She is not allowed to smoke near dc, but goodness, she stinks of it, and it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

A day a week is a lot, IMO. I couldn't/wouldn't do it.

MrsMattie · 12/02/2008 22:57

I dunno. I don't know your MIL@Rosa, but I know mine and I know that I really can't be doing wit meddling, negative people in my life on a regular basis. Once a fortnight seems reasonable to me, maybe once a week would be a good compromise? I think that's more than reasonable, though.

twospecialgirls · 12/02/2008 22:57

you are not being unreasonable mils are such hard work i see mine as little as often and when i do see her and fil its unbearable as long as she has a relationship with your dd as you says she does then she has her own daughter to have cosy days with she doesnt need you !! good luck with more excuses lol

Limara · 12/02/2008 23:00

TaLcYonHerTodd, what did your MIL do?

RosaRosa · 12/02/2008 23:01

MsHighwater - believe me, although I don't dislike her we have little in common, I have spent much time with her in the past.

My Mum and Dads' other grandchild lives on he other side of the world and my Dad is very poorly so I hold the key (via DD) to making their lives a little brighter each week. Of course I love seeing them too. It's not my DD my MIL mainly wants to see, it's my companionship she likes - I know this 'cos she's always been quite happy to come over and sit and chat when DD was asleep for two hours. Also, she's not interested in coming over when DH has looked after DD on the odd Saturday am.

I'm relieved to hear from MrsMattie and Dropdeadfred that it's not just me and that MIL word . . .

OP posts:

worley · 12/02/2008 23:06

i used to get this with my mil (she passed away in dec07 aged 53) she would ring and ring or turn up always at the inconvenient times and when dp wasnt here. she also was a heavy smoker and moaned about having to go outside and then when i asked her to wash her hands before picking up the baby.
at the time i would have said yanbu, but now i feel gulity for not making maybe a bit more time for her. (she was widowed and bil lives in the states) and i know that i would be a quite upset to not be involved in either of my ds's lives (like my parents are in mine and my ds's) if my future dil dont want their mil around, iyswim.

AbbeyA · 13/02/2008 07:09

As the mother of 3DSs I get very saddened about comments on here about MILs.They are not the enemy!! They are part of the family, equal to the maternal grandmother.Your DC may be more like your MIL than you!!I would agree that heavy smoker is difficult but you could explain the problem, not just avoid her.To say that a MIL has own daughter for cosy days and doesn't need you is very sad and unfair. I don't have any DDs-so what I am supposed to do in the future? Just be cut out of normal family relationships because I didn't have girls? Your MIL brought up the man you have chosen to spend your life with and so she must have done something right!! Luckily in my family my SILs get on well with us and my mother, and choose to spend time together, and I am expecting to have generous DILs who do the same. (If you have nothing in common you could at least try and find something!)

lizziemun · 13/02/2008 08:01

Could you not spend sometime with her at the weekend when you dh is around.

I sort of know how you feel i have nothing in common with my MIL (her life revolves around emerdale, corrie etc) and i don't watch them. She also expected me to leave dd with her but i didn't go back to work and i gave uo my car so i can not go ans see her unless dh is around.

FIL also had to explain to her that i had my own mum so she would never be my first point of contact if i have a probelm with dd's.

Abbeya i don't have a probelm with my mil, it just she hasn't no interest outside her other grandchildren who she looks after most days and soaps.

hercules1 · 13/02/2008 08:05

On the one hand I think it's rather sad that she doesnt get to see her grandchild more then once a fortnight but on the othe hand the smoking thing would really put me off.

sophiewd · 13/02/2008 08:12

My mother would love to see her grandvhildren who all live within 5 minutes drive more often, currently about twice a year when DIL's want something and she gets very upset, consequently GC don't really know her and are incredibly rude to her when she does see them so sorry YABU

totalmisfit · 13/02/2008 08:24

i think you could look on the bright side. You say you don't have much in common with her, but you don't say that you don't get along with her. She doesn't sound like the nightmare MIL many of us have to contend with, apart from the smoking (which i think you could sort out by having a quick word with her). So maybe count your blessings a bit and make an effort to include her a bit more in dd's life? Trust me if there was a MIL exchange i would definitely swap with you because at least you haven't got the endless animosity my MIL and i have. sorry if that sounds patronising.

UniversallyChallenged · 13/02/2008 08:33

yabu as i think it's lovely she wants to see your dd and even tho she must know you are giving her the brush off, she is still trying.

but once a week is a lot so could you compromise on once a fortnight - the alternate week when you and dh dont see her- meet up for lunch/park something you are going to do anyway?

BecauseImWorthIt · 13/02/2008 08:34

I think YABU and actually a bit mean to her.

You are depriving her of a relationship with her GC that you are allowing your mother.

This is not about you, it's about your MIL - who is part of your family - and your DD. Your DD is different from her other GC because she is a different person and trying to suggest that your actions are reasonable because she has other GC is childish.

jumpingbeans · 13/02/2008 08:37

Perhaps it is her dgd she would like to lots more of and not you, to only see a dgd twice a month would make me very sad.

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crokky · 13/02/2008 08:40

Rosa, I think YANBU. It really is the nature of life that people are in general closer to their mum than their MIL. I think you have a couple of problems on top which are firstly MIL's heavy smoking and secondly the fact that she thinks her son is "keeping" you.

With the smoking, could you suggest that next time MIL comes, you go for a day out somewhere (somewhere where you stay for the day and smoking isn't allowed).

My MIL also thinks DH pays for me to stay home, again, it's total crap and offensive. She thought DH was taking care of me financially when we had the similar qualifications and similar jobs and incomes!

Anyway, one thing I have tried to help with MIL visits is to have my mum and MIL at the same time (not always, just sometimes). MIL likes female company so she will happily chat to my mum and both will play with DS. It just helps ease the load on me. MIL does often upset me, she is extremely blunt and I find it easier when there are other people around. I bought a travel cot and she accused me of spending (DH's) money on an unnecessary item etc. Just crap like that that you don't need to hear. (Travel cot has been used lots!!).

Dropdeadfred · 13/02/2008 08:51

Noone is asking why the MIL's son doesn't see her more than once a month.....

Dropdeadfred · 13/02/2008 08:51

sorry - once a fortnight

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