My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

to think that my parents could help out a bit more with their (only) grandchildren??

44 replies

nvj · 10/02/2008 11:09

my twins are almost 3 and I'm getting increasingly frustrated/annoyed about the amount of help (or non-help) we get from my parents and my DH's mum.
My parents both work full-time so I don't expect any help during the week obviously but at weekends they don't visit or offer to take the twins at all. I've been quite ill for the past few weeks and cos my husband works pretty much 7 days a week have struggled but have had no offer of help and I really don't like to ask to be honest (maybe this is my problem?!)
I just sometimes feel as if they are really not interested in their grandchildren and are missing seeing them grow up. We only live 30 minutes away FGS. We do go to visit them but have stopped going as often as we used to as it is such a fiasco. My parents have nothing at their house for the girls apart from a box of toys that I gave them (bought from ebay by me!). I have to literally take everything i need when we go round there which is a right military operation.
They have never had the twins for a day or a night without us staying there too apart from once when they were 6 mths old and we went to a wedding. My mum did broach the subject of maybe having one of the twins for a day/night alternatively say once a month but that was about 9 months ago and nothing ever actually happened about it.
Last night we stayed over cos we went to a party local to their house and I had to take all the girls dinner, juice etc cos they don't have anything in i can give the girls. They don't help get them ready for bed or anything... this morning was even worse, the girls woke up at 7am which was fine but my husband had to go to work but my parents then both decided to take the dog for a long walk and then when they got back they had to get ready to drive and see my Grandad so I didn't have any help this morning when I was trying to pack up and get the 3 of us ready to go in a non-child proofed house! AAGGHH!

sorry i am waffling now.. i am just getting v frustrated with the situation but i don't know how to broach it. I used to be REALLY close to my mum and speak to her at least twice a week but now I don't really speak to her at all cos I am so annoyed with her. It's almost like they think well we didn't have much help when you were a kid so we're not helping you.

any advice? am i being unreasonable? how much help do others get from their parents?

MIL is just as bad but she is on her own and has always said she doesn't get on with children (!)

OP posts:
Report
hercules1 · 10/02/2008 11:12

I get lots of help from my mum. Dont really need much tbh though as dh is a sahp. I would be annoyed if I were you but I work full time during the week and am a lot younger than your parents and I'm flaked out myself at the weekend.I know when I am older I couldnt cope with 3 year old twins at the weekend.

Report
Saturn74 · 10/02/2008 11:16

You do sound very cross.

I think you need to ask for help from your parents.

As they work full-time, perhaps suggest they have one or both of the children for a Saturday night once every couple of months.

You say your Mum did broach the subject a while back, so just take up the conversation again,

Stick a box of toys in the boot of your car - job done.

If you've always done everything for the children when you stay with your parents, perhaps you need to specifically ask if you want them to help.

Maybe get them to bath the girls before bed, or whatever.

But if you don't tell them what you would like, it isn't fair to blame them when they don't do it!

Your MIL, on the other hand, sounds like a different kettle of fish!

Report
alfiesbabe · 10/02/2008 11:19

nvj - there have been many similar posts before, and the general consensus seems to be that none of us have the right to expect help from grandparents. It's a bonus if you get it. TBH I agree with hercules - if your parents are working all week, they probably want to relax at weekends, and 3 year old are hard work.
We never had grandparents locally - the nearest was 3 hours away, so we just got on with it! And that was with DH and I both working! Our kids were probably 8 or 9 before they ever stayed a night with a grandparent! And as regards not having a child proofed house or toys around - well I thing you're just being unreasonable there. The last thing I'll want when my kids have left home is to worry about childproofing my house.

Report
discoverlife · 10/02/2008 11:19

My Mum wishes she could have more time with my DC's. But the two oldest now go up to her (they are adult and drive/rail themselves) and she has DS2 whenever she can which is for two holidays a year lasting a week each, which is brill for us. She also comes down about 4 times a year and spends most of each day with DS2 playing with him. She's great. she is also 65 yo. I don't have In-laws. She lives 120 miles away.

Report
chocolateteapot · 10/02/2008 11:22

Both my Mum and my Dad came separately for a week to help after my c/section when I had DS (had a DD already). But apart from that I don't get any help from either my parents or my inlaws (in fairness my inlaws are in Spain and MIL is in a coma but before that they weren't interested in the children. DS is 4 and has no memory of the one time he has seen them).

I've found it best to accept it now or I would have become very bitter about it and I didn't want that to happen. I've accepted that nights away together aren't going to happen so DH & I try to get away occasionally to visit friends on our own so we at least do sometimes get a break.

Report
cornsilk · 10/02/2008 11:23

sorry nvj - I think yabu. Firstly your parents work full-time and are entitled to have a week-end to themselves, secondly why should they have things in for your chn - that's your responsibility!

Report
nvj · 10/02/2008 11:23

alfiesbabe - i don't expect the house to be childproofed at all! what i was saying was i could have done with some help this morning trying to get us all ready and packed etc as it was quite hard getting it all done when the girls were just opening drawers and playing with ornaments etc left right and centre!
I don't expect anything from my parents but they know how exhausted I am and how much I'd appreciate even an afternoon off! ;-) would just be nice to be asked I suppose!!

OP posts:
Report
juuule · 10/02/2008 11:24

Couldn't your husband take a couple of days off work to help? Would it be possible for him to reduce his hours?
If they work full-time perhaps they need the weekends to themselves.
While it can be upsetting if you let it be, you can overcome it and be pleasant when you see your parents. Don't expect them to do things for you. They've done their child-rearing. You can't make people want to do these things if they'd rather not.
However if you need help then I would ask for it. Don't assume they just know.
As for carting all the stuff around for your children, that's just par for the course most of the time.
If you used to be really close to your mum then I would tell her how you feel and see what she has to say. Don't get upset and hide it. It won't help anything. It will just screw you up.

Report
hercules1 · 10/02/2008 11:25

I dont think it's a big expectation for them to have a few toys in a box in their house somewhere that can come out when their gc come round. Personally I have little intention on babysitting my own gc. I'm looking forward to being child free.

Report
needmorecoffee · 10/02/2008 11:26

I've never had any help, even with number who is brain damaged and in and out of hozzie. Had to take the other 3 with me every time as in-laws were 'having lunch at the golf club' or 'going for a walk'. They are wealthy retirees and DH is an only child.
I told her last week that our marriage is ending under the pressure but I think she was pleased cos I'm common.

Report
nvj · 10/02/2008 11:27

cornsilk - but most people work full-time and still get time to spend with their extended families don't they? I'm not expecting to see them every weekend but once a month would be nice?! we are only 20 miles away.
yes the children are my responsibility of course but would be nice to have some stuff for the girls so i don't have to take what feels like the whole house round to my parents!
I do appreciate your response though and makes me look at the bigger picture ;-)

OP posts:
Report
hercules1 · 10/02/2008 11:28

Can your dh have them for a day at the weekend and you go out somewhere nice?

Report
avenanap · 10/02/2008 11:28

Have you ever thought that this is a blessing? Too many people trying to discipline your children in different ways is not good, granparents let them stay up late and feed them crap. The come home and they are tired and hyper. My MIl used to practically kidnap my son to have him overnight. He'd come home tired and hungry. If you let them in an inch they'll try to take over. I would, however, invite them to your house and say how much their grandchildren love to see them. My parents are 50 miles away. Other grandparents only see my son when they feel like it. MIL is interfeering, she went into school last year complaining that I didn't give her or ex info about my son. She was demanding a copy of hs report, told head teacher I was jealous of ex getting married. Last time she babysat she went through notice board and stole letters kid had wrote to his dad. She goes to open days and summer fairs at local secondary school (son's not going there!). She's always critical. At least you don't have to put up with this!

Report
metoomaybe · 10/02/2008 11:29

my fil hasn't seen my children since april last year.

my mil has seen them twice since then when she cae to stay for 24 hours.

my parents see them at weekends when we take them to visit but that's it.they are older and not in best of health so can't do too much.

i know it's hard but you have to just think that they are your children and anything you get in the way of help is a bonus rather than an expectation. a lesson i have learnt the hard way.

Report
nvj · 10/02/2008 11:30

juuule - thanks, yes what you are say makes sense and i think i will just speak to my mum about how i feel, she would hate to think i was feeling like this.
No hubbie needs to work these hours for financial reasons. I gave up well paid job to be a SAHM and our household income was cut in half so we struggle if DH doesn't work 7 days a week. He has got a few days off in the next few weeks though so that'll help.

OP posts:
Report
cornsilk · 10/02/2008 11:32

nvj- FWIW I've felt the same as you in the past - dh's parents don't work, live 5 mins away, and have never even babysat and certainly wouldn't offer. It's just how they are, no point getting bitter about it.

Report
nvj · 10/02/2008 11:33

hercules - yes my DH does take them out a lot when he's home and has been looking after me these past few weeks so he's a star bless him! :-)

OP posts:
Report
kindersurprise · 10/02/2008 11:34

I am going to go against the majority here, about having things in the house/childproofing.

We go to UK to visit my parents 1-2 year and my parents ask what they should buy before we arrive (juice, food for the DCs, nappies...) They have bought stairgates, buggy, beds etc. Ok, slightly different situation as we tend to go there for several weeks, but I do not think it is unreasonable to ensure the safety of visiting children.

Since your parents are still working full time then I do not think that you can expect much help, but if you want it you need to ask. Perhaps, as has been suggested by HC, they could take the DCs every couple of months overnight. Perhaps your mum suggested it once and is now slightly peeved that you have never let her have the children overnight.

You need to have an honest talk with your mum. Perhaps your DH could take the DCs out for a walk next time they visit so you could work it out with your mum.

Actually, when I think about it, I prefer my parents and PILs to come here. Then the DCs are in their normal environment, they have plenty of toys, can still see friends etc. Much easier for the grandparents.

Report
nvj · 10/02/2008 11:38

kindersurprise - yes i agree re people coming to our house, is much easier, house is child-proofed and they have all their toys, crayons, snacks etc!
i mentioned to my mum this morning that we were planning a trip to Vegas in 2010 for my hubbie's 40th - thought i would give them plenty of notice :-) My dad said they would probably stay at our house but tbh the girls will be 5.5 by then anyway and probably not as much of a handful!

OP posts:
Report
pukkapatch · 10/02/2008 11:41

she is your mom. yo uneed to speak to her. not random peopleon the net. you need to tell her you miss your closeness and ask her for help with the kids.
tbh, i dont think she has to help if she doesnt want to. she has already brought up her kids, and doesnt HAVE to be bring up yours. however. as your mom, she could perhaps be helping you out with stuff that stresses you. spend quality time with her own grandchildren. that means playing with them . not cookin and cleaning for them.
but, all that is an aside. you need to speak toher, and find out why the two o f youarent close anymore.

Report
nvj · 10/02/2008 11:44

pukkapatch - i never said i expect my mum to bring up my kids!! ??! i just would like a bit more help occasionally, especially when we go round there. They moan that they don't see the girls enough but that's because they hardly ever come over here and because i am fed up of not getting any help when i go over there! i also never said anything about her cooking and cleaning for them so not sure where you got that from.
yes i know i need to speak to her and will do but i just wanted to see how unreasonable i was being!!

OP posts:
Report
pukkapatch · 10/02/2008 11:48

that was all meant ot be theoretical, to the great big them out their in rl who expect their own parents to give up their lives so they can live theirs. iyswim.
i just think you need to stop talking tous, pick up the phone, and chat to your mom., she problymisses you as much as you miss her.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

alfiesbabe · 10/02/2008 11:49

nvj - it's going off-piste a little, but is the real problem here that you gave up a well paid job and are at home full time, and as a result your DH is having to work 7 days a week? It sounds like a crazy lack of balance to me. You're obviously feeling the strain, and I bet your DH is too - can't be a barrel of laughs for him working all the time and hardly getting time with his own kids!
Maybe a better solution rather than looking to your parents to help out, is to redress the balance at home. Surely you working a couple of days a week and your DH having a weekend off is a better solution than you being home all the time and him being at work all the time? I know there are childcare costs, but hey, that's life, and you say your twins are almost 3, so you're not talking a million miles away til they start school.

Report
violetsky · 10/02/2008 11:50

my parents live miles away, and dh's parents told us as soon as we fell for dd, that "parents are there to help their daughters and once a son leaves home they should fend for themselves." so have never had help in any way from either set of parent. we have alwys done it on our own,when they were smaller, dh worked 6-2 and I worked 3-11 so that there was always someone qith our children.

Report
needmorecoffee · 10/02/2008 11:52

I don't think some grandparents appreciate how much harder things can be. House prices mean that often both parents work when in their day one could stay home.
And DH's parents used to dump him for 3 months on their parents so they could go on holidays in the summer. Yet they have never ever helped us out even when number was born brain damaged.. Even when we rushed into hozzie and the docs said she was dying and I beeged them to come look after the other 3.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.