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AIBU?

AIBU for pulling the phone plug on my mum?

14 replies

Ripeberry · 05/02/2008 22:21

Sorry, long story but basically my Mum has manic depression, has been in hospital for over 2yrs on and off and has been home for almost 1yr.
She rings me EVERY night, sometimes 10 times or more to tell me she can't breathe and that she's dying.
She has my Dad at home and my brother is only 10 mins walk away.
I live over 50 miles away in England and she is in Wales so every trip to see them costs £5.30 plust petrol.
Tonight she rings saying its SO bad her face is going numb.......why bother me with it??
My Dad is there, what am i supposed to do about it??
She smokes non-stop every 30 mins on the dot (thinks this keeps her alive) and she has not slept for over 3 days (part of her mania).
Gods honest truth and God strike me down.. i just wish there WAS something wrong with her so that my Dad would get some peace.
All my life it has been my Mum and no-one else, a good day for me was if my Mum was in a good mood and did not hit or shout at me.
So tonight i've pulled the plug and my DH agrees with me.
Can't take it anymore, she's taking over my mind!
AB

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my2boys · 05/02/2008 22:42

I feel for you it is such a hard position to be in especially if you have children . my mother has had depression on and off for abou 10 -15 years and I find that very hard as she is quite a deep person and has to analysis everything and make it clear if she does not approve of things or people. she does help me with my two little ones but I feel its always at a price. Its very hard to get on with day to day things as you feel subconsciously you have something heavy hanging over you which you could do without. shes tempramental and you never know what sort of mood she'll be in!! When I was on hols for two weeks at christmas with my husband and boys I felt so free as I knew I wouldnt be bonbarded with phone calls and its not only my mother but my mother in law who lives 1 hour a way but she also puts the pressure on to see her grandsons which I understand but feel I really need space from them to get on enjoying my life with my family. I keep asking my dh if he wants to emigrate to Australia !!!!!

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Ripeberry · 05/02/2008 22:48

MY2boys. that's just it. She feels like the sword of Damocleas or something.
Just before she rang, i was having a lovely time with DH just the two of us with a bottle of wine and WHAM! she pops up, just to remind me of what crap there is out there in the world.
She always does it and it makes me anxious about having any fun.
We are going away next week. me. DH and the girls to South Africa, but Mum knows about it and she will try her best to make us cancell it.
Because, HOW DARE! we have any enjoyment.
Sorry, but she had done this in the past and i'm not falling for it this time.
AB

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Dropdeadfred · 05/02/2008 22:50

she's not at home alone therefore she is not your reponsibility in any way.

Enjoy your holiday

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Ripeberry · 05/02/2008 22:55

Thank you drop dead fred, (one of my favourite films).
Never been to SA, will be a bit of an adventure i'm sure.
Never been south of the Equator either.
AB

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my2boys · 05/02/2008 22:56

I think its the feeling of guilt and am I being selfish .....well its my mum and all things she has done for me etc.. but you are entitled to have a life and enjoy yourself I try and be patient with my mother god knows its hard especially when you have children and they are obviously your priority. i wonder how my dad has put up with it for so many years !

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sb6699 · 05/02/2008 22:58

One of my best friend's brothers has manic depression and I've watched her struggle for years - torn between doing right by him and spending uninterrupted time with her family.

YANBU - be there for her as often as you feel you can be but at those times you just don't want to face it there is nothing wrong with ignoring the phone.

I'm sure if something was wrong, your dad would get a message to you somehow.

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Ripeberry · 05/02/2008 23:06

Thank you all for your kind messages. Glad to know i'm not alone.
Yes, i do feel guilty all the time, that is why i get so angry about it!
I have my own familly and they now come first.
AB

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sunnydelight · 06/02/2008 02:32

You poor thing - how stressful. Have a lovely holiday and maybe use it to try and break the cycle. When you come back could you try phoning her early in the evening at a time that's ok for you, give her 5 minutes then tell her that you won't be answering the phone for the rest of the night as it's busy getting the kids sorted then you and your DH like to spend some time together?. She won't be happy but that way you aren't completely abandoning her but you can take some control of the situation.

There does come a point in your life when you have to put your own family first, no matter how guilty it makes you feel. We are now living in Sydney and my 83 year old father lives on his own in Ireland, getting progressively more frail. Yes, I feel incredibly guilty but moving here was a long-term dream for MY family so we did it. Good luck

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Buda · 06/02/2008 07:08

'i just wish there WAS something wrong with her so that my Dad would get some peace'.

There IS something wrong with her. She has manic depression/bi-polar. Huge sympathies as my sis is bi-polar too although seems ok at the moment and my mother suffers from depression and anxiety and sometimes I want to just shake her about getting some proper help. Is her medication right? Maybe it needs adjusting. If she feels she can't breathe maybe she is having panic/anxiety attacks?

Do NOT cancel your holiday. Can you speak to your dad about the phone calls? What does/would he say?

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shabster · 06/02/2008 07:23

Ripeberry - I really sympathise with your difficult situation.

My mum is forgetful to say the least! She is a delight but always worried about the very strong alzaimers trait in her family. She worries about everything - even if there is nothing to worry about.

Because we have lost two of our four DS's she panicks about the two who are physically here to the point where I want to scream 'HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK I FEEL'.

I find that very often I don't tell her stuff like - DS4 is going to start to walk to school on his own (almost 11 yrs old) DS1 is not getting married any time soon even tho he and his partner are pregnant.

Please enjoy your holiday - you are not responsible for your parents - good luck and once again have a great time.

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jgulia · 11/02/2008 20:45

she sounds like she has hyperventilation syndrome-something which actually causes horrible symptoms such as panic attacks,pins and needles in the upper limbs and tingling around the mouth.It is a dysfunctional breathing pattern which often starts during a stressful time in someone's life and becomes habitual as the body's homeostasis shifts-blood pH is actually raised.
It is treatable by specialist respiratory physios if you can find one!and if your mum is compliant!!

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jgulia · 11/02/2008 20:45

she sounds like she has hyperventilation syndrome-something which actually causes horrible symptoms such as panic attacks,pins and needles in the upper limbs and tingling around the mouth.It is a dysfunctional breathing pattern which often starts during a stressful time in someone's life and becomes habitual as the body's homeostasis shifts-blood pH is actually raised.
It is treatable by specialist respiratory physios if you can find one!and if your mum is compliant!!

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Cam · 11/02/2008 20:51

Ripeberry we went to SA for Christmas and New Year - it was really exciting

You will have a fab time

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MoominMum · 12/02/2008 10:17

Ripeberry - sounds like she's allowed her illness to impact adversely on you and your brother already, which is unfair although perhaps not in her control due to the nature of the illness (? no expert I have to say). Makes it even more important then to make sure it can't blight a whole new generation by leaving your children with a tired, stressed-out mummy, who feels guilty and is over critical of self all the time - not a good example! It is also guaranteed over time that the los will pick up on the ambivalence you feel towards her and that will change their perception of her too - which is sad. Can you sit down with her, dad and brother and point this out - can your Dad/ brother stop her calling you if they're with her at home?

Sounds a very difficult situation and you have my sympathies - go and have a whale of a time in SA and let your kids enjoy a relaxed mum for a couple of weeks.

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