Whats Wrong With Me?!

[stayhomemum]

Hello
Im a newbie on the site, so I think I should introduce myself first!
Im Rachel, 23 and have been married to DH who is Turkish for 3 and half years. We have a baby boy, 5 months old, who was born 10 weeks premature in August.
We are living in the UK as we came over to look after my Mum who was suffering with breast cancer. She passed away in November, and as my Dad died in 2001, I have no immediate family of my own.

I love DH so much, and sometimes I think too much really. We are hoping to buy property in Istanbul to rent out, and even though DH had left his parents in charge of looking, DH now feels he should go over Mon-Fri of next week to help them look and to visit his parents.

Now dont get me wrong, I trust him with all my heart, but I cant help feeling resentful at the fact that he can just up and leave and go swanning off to Turkey. I cant go as DS doesnt have his passport, and Im dreading the time when DH goes.

Even I know 4 days is nothing, but I dont drive, have no immediate family, and my friends have full-time jobs! I am a SAHM Mum, and quite often I have the feeling that Im not doing enough with my life. All my friends have graduated, got great jobs etc, and where I have the capability to study etc, it just seems an almost impossible task, and I see my life passing before my eyes!

I just wondered if anybody has any words of advice to help me pick myself up. How will I cope when DH is away, and how can I start getting more out of life?!

[Alambil]

Hi, welcome to MN! (am 25, single parent here - only fair to introduce myself too )

Anyway, I think what you feel is totally normal. Both your parents have died - I am sorry; that must be horrendous and now your one and only best friend/partner in crime (so to speak!) is swanning off for a "holiday" leaving you behind with the baby...

You can only see your friends working, not being around in daytimes, how will you fill all those hours etc - totally normal if you aren't particularly used to it I think.

Do you have any mum and toddler groups/soft play centres that do baby-time? You could go to things like that to try to get mum-friends?

What area of the UK are you - there may even be some of us that are local (just say the county if you don't want town put on here)...

4 days isn't long but when you aren't used to being in sole charge for that long, it feels like forever!

You could study, when you are settled (ie when the Istanbul house is sorted/baby is a bit older) - I just did a degree which started when my son was 2 and finished just before he was 5 - it was "interesting" at times but definitely acheivable so don't think that you are going to be a SAHM without any prospects forever because it isn't true.

Hope that helps a bit anyway - and if all else fails, put your baby on the floor and glue yourself to MN for 4 days

[stayhomemum]

Hey thanks for your reply!

Im in Bradford (or as I prefer to say- near Leeds )

I missed the first round of Mum/Baby group that HV recommended due to Mums death, and Im sure the second group is half way through! I guess it is worth me having a look at others that are local!

You are certainly right about DH being my partner in crime He works 5 evenings a week, but its great to know that he'll be home at night to do the 3am feed!

I have the upmost respect for single Mums- I just dont know how you do it. DS can be very demanding at the moment- very clingy, although I wouldnt change him for the world!

As an only child I should be used to the time on my own, but Im dreading it!

xx

[scorpio1]

it is possible to study y'know. You could look at satring in Sept 08, your DC will be older then.

I'm 23 and currently pg with db3,and am nearly finishing my degree. Since having the children i have completed 4 A-levels and as i said before, nealry my degree. It is possible, you just have to be very organised. There are financial help schemes at colleges to help pay childcare, travel, etc too. if you want to satrt a degree you can get more money, through grants and loans. If it is your first level 3 qualification (A-levels, Access) then you can get up to £30 p/w from the ALG people, also apply to the college/uni for personal help from their fund. i get £250 a term from my uni to help me out with general costs.

It really does open up your world

[stayhomemum]

Wow Scorpio! Congrats on both your pregnancy and your achievements!

I like to see myself as organised so I guess it helps when it comes to juggling!

Im taking my GCSE in Turkish in May, so hopefull that will take me up to 10 GCSEs and 4 A-Levels.

My problem is (and something that DH comments on frequently) is that Im quick to pipe up and say I want to do this or that, but often get bored and never see it through! So although Im determined, Im quite undecisive too!

[scorpio1]

So you could do a degree or a foundation degree...you could do one part time, normally a day a week.

Is there something you fancy doing? Or you could do one that would give you lots of avenues. You could go to a few open days or something to see if something would suit you

[Hecate]

Hi there. Welcome to the madhouse.

Have you looked at mumsnet local as well? click here

[Kbear]

hello and welcome - you'll never be lonely with Mumsnet. Make a plan of action for you and your baby while DH is away, fill your days with activities like swimming, walks, baby groups, window shopping (or spending!), read a good book, rent some dvds for the evening, chat on here and he'll be back before you know it. It is normal to feel resentful, what mother doesn't feel like that when the old man can pick up his keys and say "back in an hour" and you can't get out of the door without half a ton of baby stuff. You have to roll with it, that's the way it is but you also have to factor some time in for yourself sometimes.

[stayhomemum]

All I can say is thanks for the fantastic replies- Im definately staying around on this site!

Youre so right Kbear about the half ton of baby stuff! I used to be able to get ready to go out in around 10 mins- now I cant even remember the last time I straightened my hair

[Kbear]

You need to accept it and work with it, get organised so you can grab a bag and go quickly if someone rings you for a meet up for coffee etc. What I mean is, don't be dependent on DH entirely, make a bit of your life that is yours.

When he's home to take care of the baby, go for a swim, do a class, make arrangements to meet a friend for a drink for a hour at the pub, something that lets you be you for a little while then you won't resent him his freedom.

Oh and don't envy your successful high flying mates, chances are they envy you!

[hippipotami]

Hello stayhomemum. Welcome ot MN. I understand how you feel, and I am so sorry for you having lost your parents.

Please try to get yourself involved in some local baby orientated activities. Toddler group, baby swimming lessons, baby singing/music, there are loads. It will give some purpose to your days (I used to call it my 'timetable', it made dh laugh, but it gave my weeks a rhythm if that makes sense)
Don't worry about 'your life flashing before your eyes) you are only 23, you have a lot of living to do yet

Investigate courses starting Sept 08. Your baby will be over 1 then, and could happily be left with a childminder or nursery whilst you are at lectures. A lot of colleges/unis have creches/nurseries anyway)

Good luck, you will be fine

[miobombino]

Welcome...
...I think you need to be a bit kinder to yourself; don't panic yet about the rest of your life !

your baby is very young still - and although you mention almost in passing that he was 10w premature, I'm sure that was stressful for you at the time. and then you had to cope with your mum's death which was very recently indeed.

Give yourself time to grieve properly and to enjoy your baby. in even 3 or 4 months time he will be SO different, and so will you.

as to the few days you will be alone, plan a loose timetable of things to do. Maybe plan to visit one new area of your locality, even if it's just to sit down with ds in a cafe on a pleasant street and have lunch/read a book. Obviously time this one for a naptime ).

[scouserabroad]

welcome to MN, I'm almost a newbie, almost the same situation as you, sahm watching uni mates getting on with their brilliant careers while I sort of, well, stay at home! One of my friends is working in New York at the mo, one goes on business trips abroad and I never seem to go further than Lidl in town. I am

I agree with everyone who says you can study & look after a baby, I'm studying from home & looking after 2DDs. It is hard work & any course you do will most likely take longer than it would if you didn't have kids, but I like to think it's worth it lol And when the kids are asleep it's nice to have something to do apart from housework or daytime TV!

The best advice anyone gave me was if you're bored/feeling down etc. best thing to do is get out of the house for a bit, with baby in the buggy/sling, even if you don't have anywhere in particular to go. Chances are he will sleep & you'll get fresh air & might bump into someone to chat to

[newgirl]

i think the advice about finding lots of nice things to do in the day is key - then the evenings you can relax after a busy day

five months - swimming? music? have you tried the local nct group - they tend to have coffee mornings in people's houses you can turn up to - its a great way to meet your neighbours - and they may well be the children your little one goes to school with one day! have a look at their website - membership is 25 pounds i think - but well worth it especially if you meet up most weeks - you dont need to have done the classes

[stayhomemum]

Morning all!
Well I have had an invite to go stay with some family friends in Bristol whilst DH is away! So hopefully going this Sun-Thur, then DH will be home the next day! Yay!

Also found details of Mum/Baby swimming local to me

And......! I have enrolled on an OU course doing International Studies! Just waiting for the details to arrive in post!

For those of you who live in/around W.Yorks, if you check out the Charities board, Im organising a charity night in April for Cancer Research UK.

Im getting so busy already! Thanks so much to you all!

xxx