I don't know if i am i need some advice really - my friend has basically just told me she can't be my friend anymore [VERY LONG]

[sparklesandwine]

If i'm posting in the wrong place feel free to tell me, but i just don't know what to do I feel very sad

About 6 months ago we decided to put our house on the market and move, all of our friends knew we were going to move and we're happy for us

We were going to stay in the same town but after very long discussions DP and I decided that we wanted to move to the village up the road (about a mile away) the school is better (we've never been particuarly happy with the school our DC are at) and we also wanted to move into a village for a bit more community/village life hopefully better for our kids and with it only being a mile from where we are now it is still close enough for us to get together with our friends and DC's friends regularly

However, over the last few months my closest friend here has not accepted the fact that we want to move very well and has gone through periods of not talking to me. She feels very upset with me for moving as our DD's (who are 5 and at school together in the same class) are best friends and also our DS's are best friends (they are 3 and not yet at school but at pre-school) she says she doesn't understand why we want to move and change things, i've tried to explain and then we've talked it through and things have been ok again, not 100% but ok

We finally sold our house last week and my friend has taken to not talking to me again, she has made it very obvious that i make her feel uncomfortable and she doesn't want to talk to me so after our previous discussion a month or 2 ago, I said to her after a playgroup today (probably not the best place in hindsight i know but i just needed to say something) I said to her that i know she doesn't want to talk to me etc so i'll find another playgroup to go to make her feel less uncomfortable as i'm the one moving and she's the one staying in the town

She then basically told me that she wished we'd never become friends, i've used her and am now casting her aside and that i have hurt her and her DC so much that she will never be able to forgive me. She said that her DD is very hurt and upset, keeps crying and having nightmares about us moving. I don't know what to do, I (maybe naively) never thought that our moving would have this effect on anyone. I'm comfortable with our decision to move as we both feel that it is the right thing for our family. She has told me that she will let our children keep seeing each other after school a few times a month and in the hols when we move but she doesn't want to do anymore while we're still living here to strenghthen their friendship (there were other things said but thats about the short long! of it!)

I have tried to understand her feelings and reassure her that i will continue to be her friend and that i will do all i can to keep the DC friends, although i know their (our DD's) friendship will change they can still remain close friends i hope, she has said that this isn't good enough and that i have underestimated their friendship and that they are together 6 hours a day 5 days a week and have been very close for 4 years and that i'm being extremely selfish by upsetting my and her childrens happiness. Basically saying that i haven't thought about my kids in this move only about myself and that even if the school isn't very good i should swallow it and keep them here because our DC have good friends.

Yes i am being selfish in that i want to move to a bigger house, a better school and a nice village hopefully making our family's quaility of life better. I know these things aren't the be all and end all of life but DP and I both feel this is right for us. I have moved around a lot as a child and know that other friendships will be formed by all children concerned after a while, but I'm just lost as to what to think or say to her now. She has made it clear that she will say hello to me etc at the school gates but thats it now, no more get togethers for coffee, family parties, meals out etc

I think thats it and that i'm just going to leave it now and not talk to her much as she has asked me to. I don't want to force the friendship if its not there now on her part, but i'm just confussed myself really at how this has all turned out like this and wondered if anyone thinks what we are doing is very wrong and selfish on the part of out childrens friendships, or if anyone else has experienced this before

Thank you for taking the time to read this if you have managed too!

Please say what you honestly think about it/me for doing what i'm doing. I never wanted to hurt her or her family and feel so bad about it i don't know what to do now

[SmartArse]

Poor you - how very hurtful. Could she be jealous? I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice to offer, but you are obviously and understandably upset.

[Iklboo]

In a nutshell - f*ck her. How old is she - 12? You're moving a mile up the road, not to the other side of the world.
She is being jealous, manipulative & childish - especially dragging her DC into it. It's not selfish to want what's best for you and yours

[BecauseImWorthIt]

My goodness me - it sounds like she is incredibly needy, and it is her who is being the selfish one.

You are doing what is best for your family and that is not selfish. If she was a true friend then she would be glad for you.

I agree with SA - I think she's jealous of you.

Move on and don't worry about her.

[MascaraOHara]

she sounds mad

[Lauriefairycake]

You doing nothing wrong, she has a difficulty with ending attachments - which she's sadly passing on to her daughter.

TBH it does not sound as if she handles this sort of thing at all well.

Very sad for you

[fingerwoman]

I don't think you're dong anything wrong, in fact, I think you';re doing everything right, you have to do what is best for you and your family.

she has taken it VERY badly rthough, as if it's personal against her or something. which makes me wonder if she hasother issues, depression etc perhaps? which have made her overlyt sensitive to things like this and caused her to overreact.
she is clearly very upset about you going and just can't handle it./

Am not entirely sure what you could do to make it any better, think you've offered to do as mcuh as you can to continue the friendship with her and between the kids.

sad though

[MotherFunk]

Message withdrawn

[sushifan]

All this drama over what is basically walking distance? Yes, you are changing schools, but that's not the whole picture I really don't get it. Your kids can still do playdates all the time.

[FrannyandZooey]

mad

control freak

oh dear

[Bensonbluebird]

I think your friend is totally overreacting! It sounds as if there must be something else going on in her life to cause her to react like this.

It's not as if you'll never see them again and your children should be able to see each other regularly if not for the same amount of time as at present. By cutting her family off entirely isn't she being a bit selfish? The change would certainly be easier for her children to absorb if she was supportive.

The family members you haven't mentioned are your DP/DHs. Is there a chance they could do some mediation?

[BadKitten]

Its not selfish to want to do the best for you and your family. You can't stay there forever just because a friend finds the thought of you moving upsetting.

Your children are little, as they grow up they will be moved into different classes, get different friends. I'm afraid its part of life. Its sad for her dd but it sounds like it would help her to make new friends too. Can be difficult to make lots of friends if you have a very close best friend as a child.

I think that all you can do is just be very sure in your own head that you are doing this because it is your job to do your very best for your family even when its hard in the short term.

Good luck.

[sparklesandwine]

I'm not going to slate her or anything i just wanted honest opinions really, its been going on since we put our house up for sale and i think i've just lost sight about whether what we are doing is right or not now

i can't stop crying thinking i've made people, children even, feel like this

[sophiewd]

Oh FFS ahe sounds like a whinging 7 year old rather than a grown woman with 2 children. My best friend from about 3 lived in Herts, we lived in Dorset. Its not exactly as if you are moving to a different country and no you are not being selfish about giving you and your family a better quality of life and if she thinks that you should sacrifice your children's education to keep her DD happy then she is very odd.

[Wisteria]

She is as mad as a box of frogs and you are being normal. No one stays where they are for ever do they? Part of normal learning curve for dcs to lose mate I'm afraid - my poor dd1 lost all her best friends within a year to house moves - you're only going to the next village anyway, not blardy timbuktoo!

Bollox to her, I wouldn't want to be mates with such a nutter......

[EffiePerine]

Woud she expect all her friends to sign an affidavit swearing they will never, ever move house again? How odd. Back away and move on

[hotsue]

Of course you must put your family first, and true friends would understand and be only too happy for you. Maybe she feels insecure and does not make friends easily, so feels she will be alone. I personally would be wishing you good luck and be excited about coming to visit you in your new home. My advice would be just to be friendly and jolly when you see her, invite her to visit with the children, or suggest you can get together in school holidays. If she is not interested... Her loss!(smile)

[Notyummy]

Shoot me down in flames if you think I'm heartless, but this woman obviously needs to get a life!! Anyone who gets so upset by a friend moving a couple of miles down the road has got too much time on her hands. She may be jealous; she may be depressed...neither of those things are your fault. If she was a friend, she would say that she will miss you but look forward to seeing your new house/playdates etc. Kids have to except change, and a best friend moving to a different school could be the least of her dd's worries in the long run. Her mum behaving like this is a really poor example of how to deal with change and I feel sorry for these kids to have such a sulky, childish role model.

FWIW, I live 5 hours away from many of my good friends, and have done for years as I have moved around the country with my career and then with dh. We are still friends and see each other several times a year, as well as phoning/e mails. I'm off to a spa next month with 2 of them.....real friends are not this much hard work!

[Lauriefairycake]

YOu haven't 'made' her feel anything - she is choosing to be this upset with you.

Please stop being so hard on yourself

[Lulumama]

how awful for you

she is being selfish, not you

a real friend would be happy for you

it is a shame, this would have been a great example for her to show her own DD that life does not always go our way, that things can change, and we learn to adapt with them

essentially she is now depriving her own DD of a close friend, by breaking off the friendship, and yet is blaming you for it

sad for all of you

[Wisteria]

as humans we are not capable of 'making' anyone feel anything. If she chooses to feel that way it is her decision. Don't pander to it - she's a weirdo.

[Twiglett]

she needs some help because her 'I'm hurt' attitude is seriously affecting her children

yes children are upset when their friends move away but managing the process well is part of the job of being a good parent .. and she is failing, badly, in this respect

I am personally rather crap at keeping in touch with people who move away (it's an out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing unfortunately) but you can easily manage a child's expectations and attitudes

poor kids

[toomanyshoes]

You sound lovely but your friend sounds like a nutcase! Nothing you can do about it and don't worry about your DC's, they will make lots of fab new friends in their new school. The problem is with her, not the children

[alicet]

I think she is behaving like a spoilt child. You have done absolutely the right thing by your family and this is NOT selfish in the slightest. Sure your dd's might be upset in the short term but they are 5 and will make new friends before you can blink.

And fgs you are moving 1 mile up the road!!! Even if you were moving 100 miles I would say you are doing the right thing for your family and it is totally unreasonable of her to behave like this.

I can understand you are upset at the loss of someone who was once a good friend but tbh I agree with the poster who said f*ck her!

[Catzenobia]

First of all, big hug, how stressful for you. You have done nothing wrong and and are making the right decision for your family, you are absolutely not being selfish and to be honest, I think it is because she (not her children) is not able to cope with the idea that's causing the problem. Young children are very resilient and cope with changes and you are not moving far so maybe her fears are affecting her children and she is fuelling their fears rather than saying of course you'll still be friends, you can meet at weekends, go to each other's parties etc. so that her children stop worrying.

Is she a single parent? Does she have any other friends? It sounds as if you have been friend and family to her for a long time and you have become very important in her life and she can't imagine you not being there and she is distancing herself now as it's the only way she can cope. I think all you can do is be friendly when you see her, invite her and her children over once you moved and show that her children are important. My best friend and I met in kindergarten (when we were 4 and 5) and then she stayed down a year so I didn't see that much of her, but we are still best friends although we live a long way away and don't see each other often. There is no reason why the friendships should not last if she makes the effort to stay in touch rather than rejecting anything less than what she has now. Sorry I can't be of any practical help, but that's what I think, for what it's worth...