to think ds is being singled out at school possibly because of his sexuality?

[smeeinit]

becuase i just cant get it out of my head and its driving me to distraction.

ds2 is 15 and gay,and since coming out 18months ago he has been constantly "picked" on by his year head for ridiculous things.

in the 2 weeks hes been back at school,his hairs wrong,his trousers are wrong (they are a bit frayed at bootom ) his shoes are wrong (smart black shoes with rubber sole ) his earring is wrong,even though he has written permission from the head to wear it.the list goes on and mostly to do with appearence.
ds is ALWAYS in school uniform,black trousers,white shirt,blazer and tie.hes always clean and well presented (hes gay,he looks after himself!) hes well behaved in class although struggles as he is severely dyslexic and ive never had any complaint about his behaviour.
so why is this teacher so set on making ds's last 2 months at school a misery over petty things?
AIBU to think this teacher could be a homophobe or am i an over sensitive mum?

[SmartArse]

He's a bully and a homophobe. I'm not sure where you take it from here, though ... perhaps keep a list of examples/incidents and speak to the head? Your poor ds - brave enough to be who he is, but then getting picked on.

[Lauriefairycake]

Not quite sure I understand, has he had the same 'year head' for two years?? has he only in the last two months started to pull him up on his appearance?

[NoseCheese]

Your poor DS.

Sounds like he is getting a lot of hassle from this teacher, but it may just be a genuine personality clash.

Not that that is acceptable either, but I think it may cause problems to accuse him of being homophobic (not that you are going to).

You're not over-sensitive - it does sound like there is an issue here.

Could you telephone the year head and ask for a copy of the school uniform rules and regulations, stating that as far as you are concerned, your DS is adhering to them, so can he point out where the problem is.

At least then he will know you are aware of what has been happening.

[MotherFunk]

Message withdrawn

[smeeinit]

lauriecake, ds' school keeps the same year head all through their schooling so he has had him since year 7.
its not just the past couple of months,its been happening for a while but really beggining to piss me off now!

i have a copy of the school uniforn regulations which ds1 and ds2 always adhered to.
i have a meeting next week with the year head and i know im just going to have to bit my tongue because i dont want to mention teh "homophobic" word!

[Lauriefairycake]

nah, not in my husbands school, they have joint years /joint heads, they don't move up - my dh is head of years 7 and 8 at the moment.

Definitely a great idea to get a copy of the 'rules' so you can see if there's an actual issue.

very sorry for you and your ds

[Lauriefairycake]

xposted

good that you have a meeting organised - hope it goes well

Don't mention the 'h' word

[smeeinit]

thanks laurie.

[Iklboo]

You're not having a lot of luck are you smee? That guy being horrible to you in the restaurant last week and now your son's being picked on?
Make sure you try and keep your tongue though, for your son's sake. Ask te teacher exactly what his issues are with your son's appearance - does he make these comments publicly or privately to him?

[Twiglett]

there is possibly the chance that since he's come out, your natural maternal instinct is kicking in and you might be seeing prejudice where there is none?

it is a possibility .. I am not saying it is what is happening .. it is easy to go on the defensive

I'd just try to take a deep breath and a big step back and look at what's happening objectively and if you are sure that is what is happening I would use the word 'homophobic' I would say, if you are totally sure it's not just your mother lioness ... "I may be mistaken but I am beginning to perceive a homophobic reaction to my child, please reassure me that I am mistaken"

[smeeinit]

iklboo, no we both seem to be getting picked on dont we!!
comments are generally made in private but ahs made a couple of comments while passing him in the corridor.

twiglett, your absolutly right that it could just be being over protective since hes come out,thats what im trying to get straight in my head before the meeting.
ive promised ds that i will not mention the "H" word so i must keep my promise.

[Iklboo]

Sod the lot 'em, that's what I say. Nil illegitemi carborundum (or summat like that).
This is my favourite poem for when I'm feeling like everyone's having a go at me:

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

W E HENLEY

[smeeinit]

iklboo, thats a fab poem,thanks for posting that. [sile]

[smeeinit]

sile?! whats a sile?!! even!!!

[MrsArchieTheInventor]

Smeeinit - are you my sister by any chance?? My 15 year old nephew is in an almost identical situation as your son, apart from my nephew isn't gay, though his mum is. My nephew is one of those boys who always seems to 'attract' trouble. He's been picked on for his appearance (goth style meets skater boy with a pierced eyebrow and an ear lobe spacer), his mum's sexuality, his lack of aptitude in certain subjects (science seems to be an issue), and that's only his year head. He's also, at times, just downright clumsy and forgetful; he's a normal 15 year old boy for god's sake!! He's been brought up in front of the headteacher on an accusation of bullying, but on closer interrogation it was determined that the kid who made the allegation had actually been bullying my nephew and he'd had the temerity to hit him back, even though he was outnumbered three to one. The way my sister deals with his 'growing pains' is to keep calm take each issue as it arises, using witnesses and examples if necessary. It's perfectly possible that your son's year head is homophobic and if you suspect that then maybe you should voice your concerns to the headteacher. Your son has enough on his plate concentrating on his GCSEs without taking unnecessary flak from a teacher with a grudge.

[smeeinit]

MrsArchieTheInventor no im not your sister! and very for your nephew.

i do think that some teachers must take a disliking to a child and cant help acting on their dislike. maybe?!

as with your nephew,my ds is clumsy and forgetfull,very forgetfull! but this is down to his dyslexia so the school know me well enough not to point this out to me anymore as one of his teachers commented to me at parent evening that "smeeinitjunior isnt the most reliable or trustworthy of people is he?" i was f*king fuming!

[smeeinit]

anymore views on this?

[ravenAK]

Only that (from what you've said) it's a bit of a jump from 'Ds's HOY keeps moaning about his uniform & hairstyle' to 'Ds is being subjected to homophobic bullying'. It could be that's what's behind it, or it could be something totally unrelated to his sexuality that rattles this particular teacher's cage!

Does HOY teach him? Because if he doesn't, it does sound a trifle over-zealous to be picking on a well-behaved year 11, whom he only really sees in passing, for minor uniform infringements - most HOYs will have far, far better things to worry about.

[hester]

Oh, your poor boy. If you're inclined to take it further, you might find it useful to get advice from Stonewall's homophobic bullying project, or from the group School's Out.

Best of luck x

[Spidermama]

I wouldn't know without knowing more about the people involved but I just wanted to say, Well Done smeeinit's DS for being out at school and well done smeeinit for being so obviously supportive.

I would go and have a chat with the teacher and

[Miaou]

Spidey, please come back, you've left me on a cliffhanger

And I've no advice, just came on here to say what spidermama has already said!

[lucyellensmum]

I think twiglett made a good suggestion.

Had to smile about the "he looks after himself, he's gay" comment

Is this bothering your son? I am assuming it is, else you wouldnt have found out about it. Could it possibly be that the head has a bee in his bonnet about uniform at the moment for some reason (ofsted?) and he is doing it to everyone or is it that your son feels he is particularly being picked on. My DDs old head had a real thing about uniform, there was no bloody discipline in the school but at least they wore their blazers .

It would be a really sad inditement of the schooling system if they are employing teachers with obvious prejudices.

What i find encouraging is that you haven't said that the other children are giving him a hard time. Good for them, it seems that maybe, just maybe we are raising a generation that accepts people for who and not what they are - or maybe i am just being niave.

You should be proud of your son, coming out is a hard thing to do i am sure, especially at such a young age. It speaks volumes about you as parents that your son feels confident enough not only to come out to you, but to the school - you should be very proud of him, and yourselves.

[blanki]

No personal experience, but you're boys and girls deserve SO much respect.

But, even now why are we not all ok with this? OMG its not rocket science, our kids are gonna be gay.

Move on! Ds isnt 3 yet, but I can think of 10 million things worse

[smeeinit]

lucyellensmum thank you

i am very proud of ds and am lucky to have such a lovely son. we really are best friends.i love him to pieces
he has been met with no negative feelings since coming out. that is apart from his own father,my exh, who hasnt bothered to speak to him since coming out not that ds is bothered TBH,he couldnt care less!

[fletchaaarr]

I had a problem with my DS1 at school like this

(he is hetty, but that is by the by)

His tutor picked on him endlessly

Up until the point whe nthe whole year were caught out in a sudden downpour, and he was the only one in the whole class who was made to put his sodden blazer back on - the rest of the class were allowed to keep theirs off. He argued, he was thrown out, I stood up for him, they changed his tutor.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it may be just personalities (and she was a class A bitch according to all the pupils I met). But that doesn't make it right.

Good luke with sorting it out