..to not invited Uncle in law to wedding given my dad's illness

[PussInBootsWithClaws]

This may be long as it's quite a complicated situation, also please be gentle with me as I can't handle more stress.

Last September my dad was diagnosed with advanced secondary cancer. He's undergone radiotherapy and chemo but we've been told to expect 6 months. Dad is very tired, weak and wheelchair bound.

DP and I got engage last spring and set a date in 2009. In light my dad's illness we have bought the wedding forward to April.

DP's family is huge, to make the wedding as stress free as possible we are having a very intimate wedding with just our respective parents.

All of DP's family (bar MIL) are accepting of the situation, we're having an engagement party so all family and friends can be involved in the festivities (dad will most likely not be able to attend).

MIL (who I normally get on with), has today said it's really sad that her brother is not going to be at the wedding. She really want him there and thinks it would be perfectly ok to invite just him but not his grown up children, MIL's sister (they're not close) or any of FIL's sisters.

I (and DP but he feels sorry for his mum) don't feel comfortable with this, as it feels wrong to exclude all but one member of the family (plus his wife obviously).

MIL is not really putting any pressure on us or demanding her brother be there but she does suffer with depression and gets quite upset that she doesn't see more of her brother (lives away) so we're worried that his will be hanging over us until the wedding.

DP explained to her today that it wouldn't be fair to invite and no one else, especially as we see more of FIL's sisters as they live closer. She seemed to understand but I know she'll start getting upset again.

Am I / Are we being unreasonable to not inviting UIL. It's going to be a very bittersweet day as it is and I don't think I could cope with extra guests that I barely know.

I need to pop out now but will check back later for any comments.

TIA

[TellusMater]

YANBU.

Not at all.

[Hadassah]

YANBU - you are actually being quite empathetic towards your MIL, I think.

[PussInBootsWithClaws]

Thanks TellusMater - I didn't think I was, it's just so damn difficult to think rationally at the moment.

This isn't the wedding we thought we would have and if dad we well everybody would be there.

I know that MIL would be mortified is she knew how much she upset me but just want to shake her. I don't know how to deal with her disappointment, she gets herself so worked up over vists from her brother and I just know that FIL will start asking if there is anyway we could invited UIL as he hates to see MIL upset.

This wedding has already resulted in DP and I not talking for 48 hours last week, never heard of before

[TellusMater]

I hope your DP and FIL can take on the job of explaining to her why it just isn't possible to invite him, rather than bother you about changing the plans.

And I am very sorry about your dad.

[HonoriaGlossop]

YANBU. Not at all - I think it sounds a lovely idea just to have your parents and I'm sure it'll be a magical day - bittersweet but magical I hope

You just have to harden your heart to demands other people make about people attending. I know it's easier said than done but I think the clearer you are with your MIL, the better.

I did this with my MIL who is lovely, and I love her, but she is very much of the 'if you invite so and so that means you have to have so and so' school of weddings....DH and I were very straight with her and just said no, that's not what we want. It won't be happening.

Keep strong, you have the right to say no. And I hope you all have a great day.

[eucalyptus]

YANBU you have already said just parents to this special day

Is there any way you could maybe still have a celebration in 2009 (as planned) which all the rest of the family could come to? Might shut MIL up

[noughty]

YANBU. You can't take on board your MIL's disapointment; you have enough stress on your plate. Even when you have a big wedding, everyone guilt trips you about inviting so and so that you hardly know or even like. You just have to grit your teeth and ignore thier pleas. We had a big- ish wedding (100 folks) and so many people got on the phone wanting to invite friends, relatives and random girlfriends they'd got off with the night before and got truely huffy when we tried to ecplain that we couldn't accomodate anyone else and we'd invited the people we wanted to invite. Then my parents start getting involved in trying to talk us into inviting my brother's wife's distant relatives who we don't know. The dynamics of weddings are really strange and people should not expect to tell you how it should be or who you should invite but for some reason people think they can. Put thoughts of her disapointment out of your mind. Her brother could come and visit for any other reason; it needn't be for you wedding surely. It sounds like you have even more right than most brides to have exactly the day you want, given your dad's health.

[catsmother]

YANBU at all, and I am sorry the day will be so bittersweet for you with your dad being so ill.

That you are now worrying about whether or not your decision is right, after MIL's request, is a measure of how considerate you are as a person to other people's feelings but FWIW, I think you have to stick to your guns .... for your own "peace of mind" as much as anything else.

You couldn't have made the boundaries any clearer - or fairer - i.e. parents only (there is no room for misunderstanding there, as opposed, say, to "immediate family" which is open to interpretation, and all sorts of people potentially getting "offended" if left out) and you have only chosen to get married in this way because of very specific and very sad, circumstances.

You say that she's putting no pressure on you about her wants, but IMO, I think she's being spectacularly insensitive and tactless to have mentioned any other guests at all - whoever they were - when the manner in which you're getting married has effectively been decided for you ..... I suspect the majority of couples planning to get married in the near future who had a parent with a terminal illness would choose to do something very similar to you. Why did she have to open her mouth about this at all and put you in such an awkward position ?

I quite understand the day will be hugely emotional, and you will experience a wide rage of emotions - some good, some not so good. It's therefore natural you should want to be with the people closest to you and not feel obliged to invite anyone else in order to make someone else feel good.

To be absolutely frank, you (even if the situation with your dad didn't exist) are NOT responsible for her seeing - or not seeing her brother. If she is close to him - albeit that he lives "away", then the pair of them need to organise time together ..... it seems ridiculous to otherwise wait until someone in the family gets married. So don't feel bad about that bit of emotional blackmail.

I hope your DP remains "on side" about this and that your future PIL have the good grace to shut up about it and never mention it again.

[PussInBootsWithClaws]

Thanks everyone - I feel much easier about the whole thing now.

TellusMater - DP is going to speak to FIL and make sure he understands the situation and can head MIL off before she starts gettting upset.

eucalyptus - as dad is wheelchair bound a church wedding is getting even harder due to access problems around us. We are already planning to have a blessing at some point so may take your idea on and have a bigger blessing.

HonoriaGlossop / noughty - thanks, I've come to the conclusion that weddings are even worse than new grandchildren for turning otherwise normal IL's into raving loons

Part of me can't help but think that MIL doesn't fully realise how ill and weak my dad is as she hasn't seen him since he started chemo.

Wish me luck

[TheStepfordChav]

YANBU. If you are inviting everyone to the engagement party, and have decided on just parents to the wedding, don't worry about sticking to your guns - she must like it or lump it. You are adults, and so is she.

If MIL wants to see her brother more often she can arrange it, can't she?

Don't worry about it. I bet the brother isn't! Most men hate being dragged to weddings.

[PussInBootsWithClaws]

catsmother - DP is on side, he's finding the whole situation as difficult as me as he is very close to my dad (similar sense of humour!).

MIL is a real sweetheart so I want to make sure this is handled in such a way that there are no longer term issues. I think you are right though, we have been very clear and as long as we stick with our agreement there's no scope for MIL getting her hopes up.

[PussInBootsWithClaws]

TheStepfordChav - From what I've seen of brother he would be quite relived not to have to attend

[TellusMater]

Good luck. Stay firm!

[BroodyBaby]

Aww puss big hugs, just do whats right for you xx

[Ineedacleaner]

IF you are having an engagement party sould you not make it a wedding reception instead, leave it until after the wedding doesn't even have to be on the same day and invite everyon to that you know a bit like having the evening do with a dance etc.

You are being perfectly reasonable with this and in truth it is also not the wedding you thought you would have either. You are being very empathetic to all involved in a very very hard situation. I wish you all the luck and love in the world.

[TheStepfordChav]

Puss - there you go then, you're doing him a favour!