to tell dh I don't like his present and ask to change it?

(44 Posts)
ernest Fri 28-Dec-07 13:20:41

I feel bad. Dh got me a necklace for Christmas. I really realy don't like it. Further problem is I peeked at reciept beofre oChristmas, so I saw the price, but not the item. It was £££ so was expecting something really nice. Opene box Christmas morning and was shocked never mind diappointed. I know it sounds spoilt and horrid. I feel bad, but I can't imagine it ever growing on me and hate waste and I know it cost a lot and I'll never enjoy it.

I phone jelweller and I can take it back with receipt. Obv I'd have to tell him. I am fairly transparent and he did say twice "You don't like it, do you?" which I feebly denied.

So how do I break it to him that I don't and ask to change it.

r should I really not say anything, but then I'll be stuck with a necklace I'll never wear.

lulu25 Fri 28-Dec-07 13:22:29

exactly the same thing happened to me... except i have no self control/acting ability and burst into tears. he took it back, they would only give him a credit note, and then his wallet got nicked with the credit note in it.

on the bright side, this was about 9 years ago and we're still together

tell him - good luck!

Dottydot Fri 28-Dec-07 13:22:30

Oh I'd say something. No point not saying anything, especially if it cost a lot - you might as well get something for the same price that you're going to enjoy wearing.

MUMOFDJandP Fri 28-Dec-07 13:22:30

oh this is a tough one!

I think I would keep it and wear it just so DH could grin and say I bought her that.....

hanaflower Fri 28-Dec-07 13:24:55

I think I would try and involve him in getting a replacement, and make sure the replacement is similar (i.e. still a necklace). Also to make a big deal about how much it means to you that he got you something. I think he would be more hurt if you said you loved it and then didn't wear it.

I'm rubbish at hiding my feelings too, so we shop for my present together now!

pirategirl Fri 28-Dec-07 13:26:11

this happened to me once upon a time, and altho the item wasn't very very expensive, it really wasn't my style.

Yet then dh 'thought' it was, and had obv gone to trouble to choose something just right. Thats the difficulty isn't it.

I fessed up in the end. I think i said it wasn't quite the right colour for me ( the stones were black and not set very nice). He didn't mind at all, and I said I did appreciate it, and felt bad in having to say I didn't like it to him.

hth

FlllightAttendant Fri 28-Dec-07 13:27:28

Try to suggest you go back together and choose something you both like? Remind him of times you've got him stuff he wasn't mad for. It's no biggy smile

FlllightAttendant Fri 28-Dec-07 13:28:25

..or say you like it in itself but it doesn't look right on you?

WanderingHolly Fri 28-Dec-07 13:28:52

I think it would be fine to tell him.

Why don't you say that, on second thought, it doesn't go with any of your outfits/the colour doesn't look good against your skintone/you'd love something you could wear everyday/just for special occasions etc.

Find a good reason and, like hana says, go to the jeweller together. And try to pick something as similar as you can bear, or get him to pick half a dozen necklaces and you choose one of them.

JingleBelgoHoHoHo Fri 28-Dec-07 13:30:32

Ernest - no, YANBU - he shouldn't spend so much on you without checking that it's actually soemthing you want.

Did he spend so much out of guilt?

I'm with wanderingholly, make up an excuse that isn't simply 'I don't like it' it could be too long/short/thick/thin etc. You could go along to said jewellers, have a secret nosey then say that if you'd have known he was going to buy jewellery you would've told him about this gorgeous one you'd seen in the window that you really liked. He may then say 'why don't we exchange it'.

Why would it be out of guilt he spent so much jinglebelgo?

glaskham Fri 28-Dec-07 13:39:38

i'd not say anything personally....my dh always buys me things i dont really like/need/want/use etc, but its my own fault as i dont want to hurt him as he thinks he's done a grand ole job of shopping for me....though he is a bit sensetive when it comes to things like that.

but if i had the guts i'd ask to go together and find something for the same price together that you like and can wear.

MuffinMclay Fri 28-Dec-07 13:43:40

No tell him, as tactfully as you can, and involve him in choosing a replacement. Say it doesn't suit your face type, colouring, or some such thing.

Otherwise he might keep buying you similar items for years to come.

ernest Fri 28-Dec-07 13:43:44

Maybe not so much guilt as trying to make it obvious he appreciates me iyswim. He obv. put a lot of thought into it, but my gut reaction was it looked like a string of paper clips blush. I look at it and think 'paper clips'. I thught I'd try and put a brave face on it, decided to keep it sos not tu hurt his feelings, caught a glimpse of myself in mirror and thought ' paper clips'.

I'm so glad you all agree. I'm dreading telling him. But I'll never (happily) wear it. Really. I'll constantly feel like a fool with a string of paper clips round my neck. And gutted he spent so bloody much on them. yikes. Great idea going to jewellers together with him, but we were on a day trip to another town, so I doubt he'll want to schlep all the way back with 3 kids in tow. He's out all day with 2 of them, so if I'd had the receipt I would've gone myself today. I'll try and be brave tonight or tomorrow. Wish me luck. And hank you

JingleBelgoHoHoHo Fri 28-Dec-07 13:44:46

lol at 'paper clips'! oh dear...

Hulababy Fri 28-Dec-07 13:45:39

"Ernest - no, YANBU - he shouldn't spend so much on you without checking that it's actually soemthing you want.

Did he spend so much out of guilt? "

hmm Why???

JingleyJen Fri 28-Dec-07 13:47:53

I would say to Dh that I love the sentiment and idea of a necklace - focus on the positives prior to the killer blow of - but this particular one isn't what I would wear.

MrsCarrot Fri 28-Dec-07 13:54:11

Jewellery is such an easy one to get wrong. I don't think I've ever been bought something I absolutely love, even as a child I remember thinking, oh, garnet earrings again, thank you, mum.

DH always seems to expect me to not like it but I am very bad at pretending, or ungrateful maybe. Life is too short to wear unwanted bling I think. He won't mind for very long will he?

JingleBelgoHoHoHo Fri 28-Dec-07 13:54:15

Did you dh move to Milan Ernest? Or are you both still in Switzerland?

It's good that he's trying to show you he appreciates you.

WanderingHolly Fri 28-Dec-07 13:59:36

If I had just spent a large amount of money on a present resembling stationery, for someone I truly loved, I would want them to say something along the lines of,

It is lovely, but it's cost you so much money and do you know what? I'm not going to wear it often enough to justify the expense and time and trouble you went to picking it out. I want something I'll wear more often/keep for special occasions/that goes with my lime green and beige jumper etc.

clumsymum Fri 28-Dec-07 14:14:04

Caring married couples should be able to discuss stuff like this surely?

I'd choose a quiet evening, when you both feel a bit snuggly, snuggle up, say 'Thank-you so much for my necklace darling. It was very thoughtful. But it just isn't quite me. Could we go and go and change it for something that will suit me better?"

My dh won't buy jewellery for me unless he takes me to choose it, cos he knows he can't guage what I'll like.

clumsymum Fri 28-Dec-07 14:15:48

sorry, don't need to go twice grin

DaddyCool Fri 28-Dec-07 14:18:17

tell him you don't like it. take it back. i wouldn't mind at all unless dw was really hurt that i screwed up the present. i would really want her to end up with something she likes and I'd be p'ed off knowing how much money I spent and she genuinely didn't like it.

brimfull Fri 28-Dec-07 14:23:57

my dh is crapola at getting me presents

we have given up on that one

we buy our own now

not very romantic buy hey ho we do get what we want.

ernest Fri 28-Dec-07 14:29:31

hi belgo, he's gone, I'm still here. He's home for 2 weeks, goes back on 7th, via Poland, so good he'll be here for ds2 birthday. I've agreed to go - will leave Ch end July () then 2 weeks holiday somewhere nice before going to Milan mid August.. You've got a god memory!

Thanks for the ideas. Am going to suggest I buy something more everyday, perhapy with matching earrings, as I doubt I'd find a single chain that expensive. I'm a simple girl at heart. i don't really 'do' expensive. Especially not expensive paper clips. I think he might be trying to better me. wink

JingleBelgoHoHoHo Fri 28-Dec-07 14:42:54

I hope it works out in Milan for yousmile

Maybe a nice chain and watch or something?

JingleBelgoHoHoHo Fri 28-Dec-07 14:44:14

BTW I haven't really got a 'god' memory lol - I just don't have much of a lifegrin, and I obviously spend far too much time on here

TinyTimsGangGawdBlessUs1andAll Fri 28-Dec-07 14:57:51

Tell him, but pick your moment and be kind. (I'm sure you will)

If you say you love it and keep it he might buy you similar things in the future.

If it was expensive, he's sure to rather you have something you like and will wear often.

lurkingdad Fri 28-Dec-07 21:57:52

Speaking as a man who sometimes puts loads of thought and time into buying presents that DW doesn't like/ would never wear. I would rather she told me at the time that she would never wear it and we could change it for something she would wear than to have something that cost me a fortune sitting on her dressing table to never be worn. We have had the conversation in the past too late for anything to be done about it - so now I always take guidance or make it quite clear it's just a place holder gift to be replaced by something more appropriate if necessary. This works for both of us as she gets sparkly gifts but can make sure it's something she'll wear.

Pan Fri 28-Dec-07 22:02:09

Another vote for telling him. But nicely.....keeping it would just be a reminder of something that isn't quite right.

Gawaarrnnn!!

nooka Fri 28-Dec-07 22:09:41

My mother has a necklace that looks just like paperclips! I thought it was fab when I was little I think that you have to tell him, otherwise it will fester. You won't wear them and he will be sad, or you will wear it and not be happy.

jura Fri 28-Dec-07 22:18:04

I'm in exactly the same position...dh gave me a lovely white Liberty bag, I opened it, took off the ribbon, opened the box and...

a great big necklace that resembles plastic paper clips. Apparently it's made of buffalo horn, with some interspersed discs of polished agate...

It's horrid. It's so not me it's unreal. I need to tell him, but not sure when to broach the subject...

He also gave me a jewellery box, having already given me one a few years ago.

This is just like the iPod issue last birthday, when he gave me one having bought me one just two years previously.

Oh dear, I need to deal with this...

Quattrocento Fri 28-Dec-07 22:18:37

Had the same thing happen to me three years ago with a present from my mother.

The thing that has happened to me is that I feel guilty every time I see these blessed earrings. I have never worn them.

Lose the guilt once and for all and make a clean breast of it - explain how much you appreciate the thought - and go and choose something you both like together.

bubblerock Fri 28-Dec-07 22:34:35

Just say it broke/had a flaw in it and you took it into the shop to get a replacement and they didn't have the same one so you chose an alternative? I'm a wuss and couldn't hurt DH's feelings if he bought me something I didn't like. blush

Where are you in Switzerland Ernest? My brother lives in Lugano smile

LaDiDancesroundtheXmastree Fri 28-Dec-07 22:40:10

I've had this issue with dp before and now I give him clear guidance. This xmas I sent him an email with loads of links to bracelets that I liked.

1066andallthat Fri 28-Dec-07 22:57:51

Changing country? Pregnant? Expensive but inappropriate pressie? Tears?

Change it - blame your hormones if that will make DH feel better and go together, too. Make a morning/afternoon of it - reassure him the sentiment is more than right but you want something to hand onto the Grandchildren wink. At least, he made the effort. Don't worry he didn't get it 100%, if he deals with this, he is worth holding onto. And I'd like a photo of what you choose to replace it with, please.

My mum has to deal with this most yearssmile poor old dad.
Sometimes he will get me to come with him, then she will get something nice. But then there are other times when he shows me the item just before giving it to her and I never have the heart to say yuck! I can only think, oh dear poor mum.

This year it was one of those digital picture frames (euch bit naff) and a sexy nighty, which was a lovely thought but mum would have rathered some nice warm jammiesgrin.
Poor dad, he tries.
Ah, well she will just have to keep the nighty for some special night that I don't want to know about la lala la la
And freeze frame the digital picture frame.

Tell your DH don't let it fester too long, he will understand. We still joke about an awful gift I recieved from my DH and now I do get my own gift, but mainly cos he works so much he does no christmas shopping at allsad If he were to get me something awfu, for lots of money, you can bet I would tell him as soon as the shops were open again. I would have done, as you have, and left him in ignorance for christmas day.

Poor guys, they do try thoughsmile

ernest Sat 29-Dec-07 07:19:42

Told him last night. he's being amazing atm - even re-filling the liquid soap dispenser in the downstairs loo all by himself, hanging out washing, also not asked, getting a new loo roll and polishing the dispenser lid, and finally - wiping the inevitable crumbs out of the cutlery drawer shock shock shock shock shock shock all without being asked. Have given plenty of praise tho!I think he's been taken over by aliens or something.

So I chose my moment last night. He'd had a couple of beers, we were laughing and enjoying Meet the Fockers. I just asked if he'd mind if I canhged it, he had pt thought into it. i normally wear white gold (just wedding ring & a watch) he'd got a mix of white gold (paper clips) with a few red gold links so I praised the thought and said getting eg normal yellow gold a good idea. I'd just bought a new beige/brown top so said it would be nice to have something to match thsoe tones. So followed your great advice and it went down fine. Yet to see how pissed he was if he remembers this morning. I'm sure he'd only had 2 little bottles, so fingers crossed. He didn't sound at all hurt. phew. and said he'd rather I had something I really liked. phew phew. Hopefully can go into Zurich (we're in a village outside Zurich btw) today to change it.

Jura - be brave. It appears to be worth it. Getting a picture of said articles a bit too tech for me. Well, obv pic no problem. picture on here beyond me.

branflake81 Sat 29-Dec-07 07:53:26

I am so surprised that the majority think that telling him is the right thing to do. I am of the opinion that a gift is a gift, epseically if the giver has put a lot of thought into it and you should graciously accept and wear it, even if it's not to your taste.

Great, I mentioned it to DP last night and asked how he'd react, but he now knows that if I say I wish something was slightly different to offer to exchnage it grin

moondog Sat 29-Dec-07 11:12:36

Ah well, I have no qualms about telling my dh (nicely) how I feel about the skinking goatskin jerkin that he has brought me back from Tajikistan. it is the worse thing i have ever seen and would need to be on someone well over 6 foot and 14 stone to fit properly.

Bless him, he is a fab dh but dreadful at presents (probably because he is completely unmaterialistic.)

The only trouble is...how can I pop over to Dushanbe to return it? grin

ernest Sun 30-Dec-07 07:02:37

I think the issue for me though branflake81 was the fact it cost so much coupled with the fact it was quite dressy/evening-y so I just knew I'd never wear it and felt it was such a waste. I have plenty of times got other gifts where I've done as you've said, but I felt this was just too much of a waste. I've got another necklace that he got me, which probably cost even more thna this one, that he couldn't take back (bought in USA) and I've worn it once. (it is painful to wear - the big square links open and close slightly , nippping hairs and skin on neck, ouch) but it's also very evening-y and I never go bloody out - my dh lives in a different country to me and I'm 15 weeks pg, so I think my going out to posh places days are still some way off in the future.

Anyway, I changed it yesterday, he was happy with my choice - not a million miles from the original, but the links were ahem more of a traditional shape. It's yellow gold with a couple of white gold bits (my watch and engagement/wedding/eternity rings are all white, so good they can still mach).

And he was very nice about it. And this one I think I could even wear day time glamour (frazzled mum, leaky breasts, scrabbly hair and posh necklace)

ernest Sun 30-Dec-07 07:06:20

btw moondog, pmsl at your goatskin jerkin. The mind boggles. Make him wear it. I think there's a reason you don't generallly see clothing made out of goatskin... yuk.

Give it to branflake81. I'd love to see if she'll follow through and wear it graciously.

Honestly, I'm just messing around branflake81, don't be cross. But there's always an exception to the rule. I think goatskin herkins have to be exempt surely?????

MerryKIFmas Sun 30-Dec-07 08:40:15

<preens>

Obviously in an subconcious adaptation to find a mate who balances my flaws, I have a Dh with great taste in jewellery (and to a lesser extent clothes).

It seems much less hard work than the woman in the partnership having the good taste!

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