my grandad is having major surgery tomorrow and i dont "feel" anything about it.

[kerryk]

not sure where to post this but cant talk to anyone in real life about it as i feel so terrible and need to get it all out.

my grandad is having a large section of his bowel removed tomorrow and because he has a long list of health problems it does not look good for him being put under for the operation.

i have a very close family (there is loads of us) but i have never felt close to my grandad and really dont feel upset or worried about what he is having to go through tomorrow, he is very old fashioned in his views a typical "mans" man and someone i feel i have nothing in common with, he has made my grans life very difficult in all the years they have been married and even now he drinks and gambles most of there money so that she has near enough nothing left to feed them/ heat the house.

my mum is the oldest of there 4 children and had to work from when she was 11 so that she could buy clothes for the 3 younger ones.

i really dont think i have any feelings for him, do i sound like a selfish cow thinking that.

if anything was to happen to him i think that the only thing i would be worried about is how my gran would cope after him ruling every part of her life for the last 50 years (i am very close to my gran)

also i think a part of me (the selfish part) would be really upset that i will never have the kind of relationship with my grandad that my dad has with my daughters, my grandad on my dads side died before i was born and i feel like i have missed out on a important relationship that i see other people having.

anyway i am just having a rant here, i did try to tell dh how i felt but i could tell he thought i was being a terrible person having these thoughts.

[bigwombat]

I don't think you sound terrible or selfish at all. There is no law which says we must have close, loving feelings for all our relatives. There are reasons why you don't feel you have a lot in common with your Grandad and these are understandable. You obviously have empathy with your Gran and other family members. The fact you are posting here shows you are concerned a little, I would concentrate on supporting your Gran/Mum and be the strong one around while others are more upset. Take care...

[fizzbuzz]

Don't know if this helps...When my mum died I read lots of books on bereavement.

A lot of them said something like this: If a child has a difficult relationship to a parent, or if the parent was controlling or unpleasant or whatever, then it was normal to feel nothing, or even relief when they died, AND the guilt of feeling like this could be very difficult.

I know he is your gandad and not your dad, and he is only having an operation and has not passed away, but I guess some of the feelings are the same.

Alternatively are you just feeling numb, as in protecting yourself from feelings? They may surface after the operation when you see him as a vulnerable old person rather than your grandad

[kerryk]

"Alternatively are you just feeling numb, as in protecting yourself from feelings? They may surface after the operation when you see him as a vulnerable old person rather than your grandad"

i think that is a interesting point, i dont think i am feeling numb about it all but it is strange thinking of him being in this position as he has had so much control over everyone/everything in his life for so long, he must be feeling really afraid right now knowing he can do nothing to control this.