to consider going completely on strike so dh gets the idea that i do actually do something all day other than swan about doing lunch and quaffing lattes???

[belcantavinissima]

which is obv what he actually thinks and thinks i do sod all despite the fact that

a) he is always at worktil at least 7pm and the house is tidy when he gets home and his dinner in oven

b) we have food in the cupboards

c) he does bugger all despite his proclamations at being the housework saviour. who does he suppose does everything? the sodding fairies?

d) yesterday he made dinner, and i have had to praise him and fawn over him for it ever since. whgich i dont get. ever. obviously (because all i do is 'have a lovely time')

so am considering going on strike and only cooking bare essentials for kids so they dont waste away. is that unreasonable? should i just write a list every night???

[GrapefruitMoon]

My sister sent me this email once - maybe you need to print it off for your dh!

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.
His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud,
with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of
his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the hall, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked
over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV
was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys
and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast
food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken
glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes,
looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious
had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas,
reading a novel. She looked up at him,
smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked,"What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work
and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

[hifi]

i go on strike regulary if my dh is badly behaved, no adult food in the house, no toilet roll,leave everything messy, dont wash his clothes, silent treatment. he lasts about 3 days.

[hifi]

thats a good one grapefruit.

[belcantavinissima]

lol grapefruit thats so funny. though seriously if it went that far, i think he might actually kill me

[UnquietDad]

Seen that (posted by grapefruit) a lot... I always thought there should be a "man" riposte to it. You know - no money in the bank, bailiffs at the door, etc... "You know you wonder what I do all day at work? Well, I haven't been doing it."

[OrmIrian]

LOL uqd!

But I sympathise belcan. My DH doesn't notice all the hundreds of little things that I do everyday. But in his defence he doesn't give a stuff about how clean and tidy the house is so I don't think he'd notice that at all.

[meemar]

Ah, but the difference is UD, I don't know of any SAHMs who ask their working husbands what they do all day!

[GColdtimer]

Has he ever done what you do for a couple of days? Why don't you go out of the house from 8am until 7pm over the weekend. Don't get anything ready or prepared for him or stock the cupboards and see how he copes? And perhaps you can swan around doing lunch and quaffing lattes

[CristinaTheAstonishing]

Point out to him how much you do and that you have a lovely time in the process. If it's all as you describe I don't see what he has to fuss about.

[MumOfTwoMinxers]

RANT RANT RANT . I'll join you on this one. Currently on MN while dd1 is at nursery when I should be doing the cleaning, washing, cooking etc.

Long long ago, in the old days before the kids, when both me and my dp worked full time, we took it in turns to cook the dinner. He had absolutley no prob with coming home from a hard days work to cook a meal (and nor did I). Now that I'm a full-time mum, he expects me too cook every night. I have a 15 month old and a 3yr old and thats a full time job. By the time he gets home at about 7pm I am completely shattered. I don't mind dealing with the housework, shoppping, kids meals and even the rubbish, (I do it all) but it would be nice to share the cooking in the evening.

If only more DPs and DHs would recognise that we too have had a hard day and don't want to spend the evening slaving away over a hot stove .

[fireflyfairy2]

This is the second time in 2 days I have realised how good my dh actually is.

[The other was on another site where someone suggested it was normal for a man to lay & sleep all day, then wake & play on the pc & ignore his wife & kids]

I am a full time student, dh is self employed. Each evening I ask him how he got on today, was there much craic at work, has he got a next job lined up etc.. we discuss what he has been doing that day.

He asks me how I got on at university, what we did in the afternoon when I picked the kids up from the c/minder.

When he asks me what I did all day I don't jump to the conclusion that he assumes I have done nothing all day, he is merely enquiring as to how my day went.

Do you think this is the case with you dh? He asks what you did during the day to start a conversation?

I guess I am also lucky as it has always been shared cooking here & shared housework, well not so much housework, as I do most of the cleaning etc but if I iron & leave the clothes sat, dh will put them away.

He regularily makes Sunday dinner & makes his own & dd's lunch every night.

MOTM, have you waited to start the dinner when dh comes home? I usually wait until about 5.30 when dh is due home about 5,40 & that way he helps out, he chats to me as I peel the potatoes, he checks the meat in the oven etc.. he sets the table.

Does he expect you to cook or is that the pattern you have fallen into?

[CristinaTheAstonishing]

DH likes doing the cooking but TBH I wish I could do that and have some time "off". (But i'm not a great cook - i tend to take shortcuts on the recipe etc.)

[McIntyre]

No need to go on strike, I agree with twofalls - just leave him with the kids for the weekend - I recently met up with girlfriends in NYC (had to plan it six months in advance) and was gone from a Thurs - Monday. Came home to a disaster area but was completely vindicated when my three year old came running up to me saying 'so glad you're home, daddy doesn't know what he's doing...' DH agreed and is slightly more appreciative.. now for my next trip :-)

[haychee]

Ive often threatened strike action, but can never bring myself to carry it through. Its just too darn messy and i find i cant function without any organisation.

[laura032004]

I think DH would have quite a nice time though if I went away, because he wouldn't do all the things I do as well as looking after the children (washing, cleaning, cooking, putting clothes / toys away....). He would rely on the food in the house, frozen meals in the freezer (I batch cook), clean clothes in the drawers... In fact, I'd be worried that he thinks my job is easy. When in fact the mess he'd create would take me days to resolve. I once went away for 7 weeks (with children) - he cleaned the bathroom once (he had friends to stay so I rang him to make him clean it!). No long term harm done, but I couldn't live like that, so I clean it.

[LittleGoldfish]

Are we married to the same man? - seriously, he sounds like my DH.

[PippiCalzelunghe]

belcantavinissima DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!!!!

I have done it a few times and it is the only think that work. trust me! it is hard at first as you go in autopilot and start tidying up. But you'll see how he'll realise sooner than you think. I planned to do one for an entire weekend and it only took one day.

similar problems here. making a list for myself but action speaks more than words especially with men.
(ps, DH made a raose on sunday and expected to sit and do nothing else and everybode to be bloody grateful - what about the other 6 days??? it is your thread so I'll stop here.)

[MuffinMclay]

I would only strike if you've had a big row about domestic matters.

Otherwise I'd arrange a weekend or whole day away, without dcs, and see how he copes. Don't leave any meals prepared or instructions, just go out.

I've had one cooking strike and it worked a treat!

[kerala]

Also it needs to be made clear that looking after the baby as a couple at the weekend is very different to having her on your own all day and night. I got flu when dd was 7 months and was really ill in bed so dh had to do everything all weekend. It was a real eye opener for him. That said he is a star and very appreciative of what I do.

I try and ask him about his day but he wont talk about it and just wants a run through of every last minute of dd's day.

[milou2]

Hi, I was wondering about the fawning over him business. Maybe you don't like feeling as if you have to go over the top after he's done something.

Might you be able to alter how you respond when he does a roast, so you say things that are true, as in Mmm this is tasty, rather than finding yourself saying things which you know are forced.

I agree with the others about planning time away from the household to do something you enjioy and which takes many, many hours!!

When I went on strike I was the one who suffered almost instantly as I like clean loos, clean dishes, food, clean clothes. So I realised that I needed to appreciate that what I do is actually great for me and that I have the choice to do it or not.

If you feel you have to strike, go for it and see what happens

[belcantavinissima]

i have gone away for the odd weekend here and there and as laura said, what he does is he plays with the kids, nothing else, he doesnt need to go shopping and just heats up whatever he can find, he leaves everything til i get back, oh actually he might do a bit of washing up. no, cancel that, what he actuyally does is i leave the house, he bundles kids in car and goes to his mums for the day, comes back aftyer teatime kids already asleep in pjs, lifts them into bed, then does similar in the morning til i get home. then he greets me with how its been a 'piece of piss' and cant see what i have to moan about, whilst i'm thinking 'Of course its a piece of piss- YOU HAVENT DONE ANYTHING!'. i generally find its not worth going away as i have more to do when i get back which i resent and then its spoilt my time 'off' iyswim

[claireybang]

It's tempting. But like others have said, ultimately you are the one who suffers. I once left the hoovering for over 2 weeks-it drove me mad but dh didn't even notice.

Like you if I ever go away/out leaving a mess he won't do anything about it so I then have to do twice as much to catch up.

At least we are not alone

[DuchesseDeVil]

I seriously consider this every single bloody day. He has never had any idea what I get up to, even when I was doing 70 hour weeks as a teacher, he still assumed he could just pootle off to work and pootle back again as when I was at home full time with the children. He's not useless in the house- he just never realised that if I couldn't doing things, then somebody else (ie HIM) would have to pitch in, so never adjusted what he did to fit in with my job. He just has no idea what happens anywhere he's not. I think a lot of men lack this empathy tbh. Now I work from home, I'm not sure much has improved apart from my flexibility. Our children's lives are vastly improved from my being at home, which is my reason for doing what I do. Whether or not my husband can be arsed to understand what I do has become immaterial to me.

Your husband may not be sympathetic to what you do all day, but it's almost certainly more borne of ignorance than a genuine feeling that you do nothing.

[Hiller]

I think that there are a lot of us married to the same man!

[scattyspice]

My DH doesn't care what state the house is either. He does the cooking as thats what he cares about (I don't really mind what we eat as long as its food).

TBH I'm less bothered about houswork too these days. Lifes just too dam short.