to be getting annoyed with dead sister in laws mum

[pud1]

this is a long one but my sil died in feb at 34 leaving behind a 13 year old daughter, mt brother is not her blood father but has cared for her since she was about 18 months and he has now got full leagal custody of her.
my problem is that although my brother acted as her father he has had a lot to lkearn over the past few months about 13 year old girls as my sil did most of the parenting. when she was dying i promised her that i will be there for her daughter and i feel that i have done my best to keep this promise. i sort of feel that this gives me a right to look out for her welfare and i am becoming increasingly worried about the crap that her nanna ( her mums mum) is telling her. they have always been a weird family but she has started telling my niece that

1.she has "seen" her mum in my neices bedroom window. she was apparently looking up at the window and she saw her as she looked as a 8 year old girl. ( i think this a bit creepy)

2. that my brother is sleeping with a friend of his wifes that is just out to rob him of his money ( this may be true but why burden a child who has just lost her mum with this sort of adult crap)

3. that she is at hight riisk of getting cervical cancer ( this is what her mum dies of ) and that she should now be going for smears even though she is only 13 and has only started her periods last week

4. that her mother was worried about how well my brother would be able to look after her when she died and that she should not help him aroud the house as she should not be a slave to housework.

i done know if i am over reacting but i realy dont think this is all very helpfull.

[sparklygothkat]

thats horrible

[Walnutshell]

Bizarre. Does your niece relate these tales to you?

[snowleopard]

Oh dear. It's not helpful at all, and I would be very annoyed too, but the last thing this poor girl needs is for you to all fall out around her so you need to tread carefully. If I were you I'd just try to be as strong and reliable a presence for her as you can, always listen to her, love her, hug her and tell her you are always there for her - that's what she needs. Don't slag her grandma off, but you could say it is a very hard time for grandma too, she is very upset and like all of us it will take her time to grieve and get used to the new set-up. You could tell her you will ask your doctor about the cervical cancer thing and find out the truth for her and help her get whatever she needs. (I might be wrong but I think I heard a vaccine was being developed?) Be there to support your brother too as it's a huge task for him and he is also suffering.

[Carmenere]

Oh God, tough one, em, no she is not being helpful, she is scaremongering and alarming a bereaved child BUT she is the child's grandmother and nothing you can say or do will ever change that. What I mean is that we can't choose our parents or gp's and they make us who we are. In many cases this is unfortunate.
I think that all you can do is to reassure the little girl that she won't die of cervical cancer, that her dad will look after her properly because he loves her and that you will be there to answer any questions or problems that she has.

[mistypeaks]

That's awful. If you have a good relationship with your niece talk to her and explain how much of those comments are rubbish. Especially the cervical cancer. As far as I know you're not at risk until you're sexually active (not that you have to go into that with her).

[mistypeaks]

yes I forgot to mention the comments are rubbish not her grandma. Make sure she knows you and her daddy are there for her to talk to about anything she needs to know.

[Lazarou]

Those things you have posted are not normal things you say to any child let alone a vulnerable child. Could this woman be having a breakdown? She isn't being rational. She's bound to be sufferng herself but if she was in her right mind she wouldn't say any of this to the child.
What does her father say about it?

[pud1]

when my neice brings her nanna uo and tells me her stories i dont ever slag her off but i try and tell her that i think she might be wrong.
i really dont think that she is having a breakdown. she is just really strange. if you even saw a picture of her you would see what i mean. my sil used to tell me stories about her mum before she was ill and during and to be honest they would shock me. i cant explain what she is like.

[pud1]

my brother doesnt seem to notice but i dont think me neice talks to him about it,
when it all first happened i took most of the responsibilty for my neice and i ( in my head) gave my brother 6 months to deal with his emotions and i am now trying to step back a bit. i am still seeing them alot and doing alot for them but i need to give my brother space to father her. it is such a difficult situation cos i cant be there all the time( 24 weeks pg with my firdt)

[Blu]

Pud - what a horrible situation, and well done you for being such a brilliant aunt, sister and SIL.

Not the same, because I hadn't lost my Mum, but I was told the weirdest things by by Nana, throughout my life - from 7-14, anyway:
That I must never eat prawns because they are really just beetles that live in the sea - and black people eat them
That I must never have sex with a black man because they were 'different' and I could get a serious injury
That I must never climb trees because if i slipped a branch could go up a place near my bottom

You can see a pattern, here, perhaps...weird and disturbed. But I was able to recognise, even without knowing why, that it was weird and irrational, and none of it has affected my life at all. Likewise, your SIL survived her Mum and despite having been brought up by such a loon, was seemingly fine herself 9you haven't said otherwise, at least).

Keep being a good strong clear aunt to her, maybe discuss the stuff with your bro that is likely to upset her - the 'other woman' stuff, especially.

Lordy lord - what are folk like!!!

[Blu]

Oh, and my Mum - who was not this Nana's dd - enabled me to know that it was ok to follow my instincts and dismiss all this as crap because she subtley let it be know that she thought it nonsense. i.e she sort of gave me permission to dismiss an adult relatives view as nonsense, without actually saying 'she's a loon, take no notice'. If that makes sense.
At 13 your neice is of an age to start dismissing adults views as crap, iirr!!

[pud1]

thanks blu - you are right she didnt do my sil any harm. think she is just bonkers

[Lazarou]

Blu's right. Kids are so clever, I bet your niece just thinks 'yeah yeah whatever nan!'

[ninedragons]

I think probably the most disturbing thing the grandmother is saying is the cervical cancer thing. Telling a bereaved child "you could die too" is nasty. Everything else is a bit nutty, but that's the really frightening one for the child.

Could you take your niece off to the GP to get the cervical cancer vaccine? It's certainly available and I believe that 13 is the age at which they start to administer it. You could take her out for a grown-up afternoon tea and tell her there you are, problem solved, sweetie, you're now protected from cervical cancer. It would be good not only to put her mind at risk, but also let her know that there's a responsible, caring woman she can talk about gynaecological things with, so she doesn't have to turn to her batty grandmother if she wants to go on the pill or whatever.

[Elasticwoman]

Pud1 -good for you in keeping your promise and looking out for your poor bereaved step-niece. These are my reactions to Nanna's remarks:

1 You can temper the creepy remarks by saying that people have for centuries dealt with death, esp premature death in that way, and it is just Nanna's memories being prominent in her mind. It is good to remember some one you have loved.

2 A bit irresponsible of Nanna to repeat gossip and best not to add to it.

3 My dd age 13, with the rest of her year group, has just had her first vaccination against the virus that is said to cause cervical cancer. For your niece to have that would be much better protection against this disease than early smears. I should mention this to your brother and see about discussing the issue with her gp.

4 You can counter this by saying that all 13 yr olds need to learn how to do basic housework so that they do not grow up totally unable to keep clean or fed. Also, it halves the time it takes if she does chores WITH her sdad, and gives them an opportunity to talk.

Aunts are a precious resource to a teenager, esp a girl who's lost her mum.