To expect the child I look after in the morning as a favour to my friend should behave?

[ptangyangkipperbang]

Bit of a tale... I was ill earlier this year and couldn't do the school run. A friend from down the road offered to take DS. It worked.

This academic year she has got a job and needs to leave for work at 8am. I said I'd have her 2 kids and take them to school on the bus (I still can't drive for at least 8 months). So really she couldn't have accepted the job without me. She then brings DS home. It sounded an ideal arrangement.

Thing is her DD is lovely and really well behaved but her DS is incredibly annoying. He'll go in the DS's rooms when they tell him not to, wind DS2 up and today he and DS2 ended up in a fight when DS2 pushed him after being told by the boy that he was a 'girl' and stupid.

I know DS2 shouldn't have retaliated but imagine being in your own house and having to deal with someone misbehaving. DS1 is hating this boy coming too and today the boy was saying things like 'stupid' that DS3 aged 3 then started repeating. Today I ended up screaming like a banshee and said if he is coming to our house he needs to behave by our rules but he just looked at me like I was from another planet!

Sorry this is long but at least I've vented my anger on the keyboard

[cornsilk]

Do you think the boy could be behaving like this 'cos he doesn't want to go to your house?

[quickdrawmcgraw]

How long are they in your house for in the mornings?

[HuwEdwards]

TBH, it sounds like you've bitten off more than you can chew. To expect your kids (and your friends kids) to be well-behaved all the time when they're thrown together every morning (whether they feel like it or not) is a bit unrealistic.

Am not much help am I? sorry, I couldn't do it, I need relative peace in the mornings.

[andiem]

I know exactly where you are coming from I looked after a friends daughter this summer as a favour I had a 2 week old and my ds is 7. She was vile and really badly behaved. In the end I just lost it and said I am doing this as a favour if you weren't at our house you would be in a holiday club so behave I also threatened to ring her mum. She was horrible to my ds they are in the same class at school and said really mean things all the time. I think you have to put your foot down it is your house. I told my friend I had to tell her off. At one point she divided the playroom in half and told my ds he could only go in one half of it that's when I really lost it

[SueBarooeeooeeooooo]

I'll be honest, I never expect someone elses kids to behave. You have my sympathy. Have a word with his mum so that she can re-inforce the rules? [at-a-loss-emoticon]

[LIZS]

Presumably they aren't there for long. How old is her ds, he soudns a bit unsettled by the arrangement. Perhaps you could find something specific to occupy them for the interim and keep them in one place.

[daisyandbabybootoo]

Do you do stuff to involve them all together or just let them get on with it?

Perhaps he is feeling a bit down cos his mum is now working, finding himself out on a limb, not in his own house and with kids who won't let him play?

You didn't say how old they all are either; this could have a huge bearing on his behaviour.

[NotQuiteCockney]

It sounds like he's very aware he's not wanted at your house. It does sound like hard work, and unpleasant, but it's not his fault his mum needs childcare. And particularly as you are getting a favour in return, can you try to see him coming as a treat, rather than a dreadful obligation?

[daisyandbabybootoo]

are you perhaps also a little worried that if you tell her you can't look after them (you have been ill after all and what you are doing is IMO very brave) she will withdraw her side of the arrangement?

[talulasmum]

is there anyway you can keep her ds occupied, maybe sit him down with a colouring book or something? i wouldnt let all the kids just "do their own thing" usually ends up in chaos. also, maybe the child needs to get used to his new arrangement, and in another week or so would have calmed down a bit?

[ptangyangkipperbang]

think I have bitten off more than I can chew. There's one thing me repaying a favour but it shouldn't have such an impact on my children.

They do like coming here (but perhaps not after this morning!) and see going on the bus as an sdventure . They are here for 20 minutes if we get the bus, but including the journey and walking to bus stop I have them for about 45 mins.

Her DS plays with playstations, etc at home which we don't have here. I find him really hard to entertain as he won't sit still.

A complicating factor is they stay at their dad's one night each week. He then picks up DS2 and takes them to school. He is ALWAYS late. My friend has told him she can only work because I am doing her a favour and he would have to pay her more money if she didn't have her job but things don't improve. DS1 then has to run to school to avoid getting a late mark and DS3 is late because he only has little legs

If she couldn't bring DS2 home it would still be ok cos other people have offered. If it was just DS2 in the morning other people could take him but obviously can't fit the other 2 in as well.

[LazyLinePainterJane]

Maybe you should have a chat to her about her son?

As for the other issue, I would say that you will take your boys to school to prevent them being late.

[LucyJones]

I think it's very unwise of your friend to base her entire working life on the premise that you can look after her children before school and then take them to school.
What if you were ill again?

[Hulababy]

I'd have a word with his mum. It is not unreasonable to expect this boy to behave in a morning.

How old is be by the way?

You are doing this mum a favour each morning. She needs to make sure her DS knows that he has to behave or there are consequences he will have to face - a sanction of some form.

Your children should not have to put up with being on the receiving end of this boy's behaviour.

In that 20 minutes in a morning - what do the children do? Breakfast? TV?

[LIZS]

I agree with Lucy Jones. If you are already stressed by this then perhaps better to say you can only do it short term until she sorts something else out rtaher than let it get to a crisis poitn where you may suddenly need to let her down. In the meantime she needs to get him to toe the line, may be sending him with something to do in those 20 minutes rather than expecting you to manage him.

[ptangyangkipperbang]

Her son is 7. He and DS2 are in the same class at school. I will have a word with his mum about his behaviour. I'm also going to say that I'll sort my own kids out when the others are at their dad's. If her and her ex have a row about it it's not really my problem.

I can see DS2's behaviour deteriorating because it is like someone has invaded his territory.

My children tend to be reading a book, sorting out things for school, little one watching TV as long as he is 100% ready and then at 8.05 it is like a whirlwind has entered the house!

I know I need to be strong and talk to her but I do feel that I have to continue with the arrangement because there is too much at stake (for her) if I backtrack. I know that shouldn't be my problem but it is.

[Blu]

I would:
try and set up a routine for what they do when he is at your house - even if that is sit and watch tv until it is tome to go. Or as soon as they arrive, sit them at the table with a drink and colouring stuff, or buttering toast or anything - but let them know what is expected and then do it every morning. Impose a structure or activity rather than leaving them to their own devices. And have a word with his Mum, too.

Then I would say to your friend that on the nights the Dad has them (him) that the dad should just take him straight to school and you will get on with your own thing. This will give you 'respite' from him one morning a week and remove the stress of his unrlaibility and lateness. (have I got this right? The troublesome boys Dad comes to your house and colects your DS?)

[Blu]

x-posted - good idea to not do it on the 'dad' mornings.